Losing You

I thought
I was the master
of pain and hurt
but actually
I have never known pain
‘til I lost you
I have never been hurt
‘til you are taken
and now
each breath I take
is an agony
a thousand time worse
than a knife in my gut
slowly twisting
each waking day
is a slow bleed
from a small shard of glass
in my aching heart.


rya
29/12/10
1.49 p.m.

I miss you Mummy 6

After having almost a very good run at writing, I faced a block again, as I told my sister, now it is even worse, I no longer stare at a blank Words page, I stare at the pc wallpaper, meaning I can’t even go past the block of intending to write, but after going through a really bad few days emotion wise, I think I need to unload. I have decided my emotional roller-coaster these few days can be put down oestrogen overload because some other familiar symptoms came along with the non-stop crying and being very testy and grumpy. Well being hormonal is never very pleasant but getting it while you have reason to be sad is more unpleasant, and I found the emotion overload very difficult to face.

Today I have a hospital appointment, so as I waited for my number to be called for registration, I was reading the electronic board announcement, as I read “The numbers 1000 to 1200 is reserved for the elderly 65 years old and above.” I cried thinking Mom couldn’t even reached that age and she is already gone. See it is not the first time I went to the hospital and reading that statement after Mom died, but today it affected me and it started the tone of the day for me. I can start thinking any random thoughts and it’ll trigger the tears and by 2 p.m. it is getting really old.

Another thing I noticed missing Mom makes missing Phil worse, so I think every day I go about life I am doubling the agony to the point that I can’t be alone because being alone reinforce that feeling of missing something in my life.

I don’t know I am starting to ramble which should be all right actually because I am posting it in my Ramblings, but the teacher and writer in me can’t take that. I wish I could be inspired to write poetry again, but even getting to write this is an accomplishment, one day at a time I guess, I miss you Mummy.

Why I read?

A few days ago as Phil and I was chatting on Skype, all of a sudden Phil asked me if I have read a book he left me on his visit last June – The Confession of an Economic Hit Man - and I was like startled at the sudden change of topic and honestly said no, and asked if he left it with me. Enough said that he wasn’t very happy with me.

But what can I say, I have serious shortcoming in my reading materials, anyone who knows me knows I read voraciously, I am never without a book in my hand, I even read as I push my shopping cart from aisle to aisle. And sadly enough it is a source of wonder to Malaysian at large that I read, illustrated by a nurse fascination that I am always reading when it is my turn to sit with mom, as she was peeping at my book title she was curiously asking why I read so much, and trying to be polite and cut the explanation short, I just said I am an English teacher, lol, what a mistake, because she spend the next 15 minutes expressing her shock and asking me whether I am old enough to teach others, I think she thought I have just finished my SPM or something. Hmm imagine that to be 18 again, lol. I guess it was lucky I did not tell her, I am old enough to teach others how to teach, lol, I think that would have given her a heart attack. Ooh I am getting sidetracked, you guys don’t need to hear, how often I am thought to be younger than I am, flattering as that may be, hehehe, what I wanted to write today is why I am kind of limited in my reading material and how those I love, namely Phil and Dad, are trying to change that, and of course why I read at all.

Compared to kids today who are enrolled in a Smart Reader program as young 3-4 years old, I was 6 years old when I started reading when I was enrolled officially in the kindergarten. I have always wanted to go to school, I don’t know exactly how old my obsession with schooling started, but Mom told me as soon as I can talk, I can identify a school building and excitedly call out “Toyah”, my childish version of the pronunciation of sekolah (malay for school). It wasn’t long before I was harassing my parents for school uniform and of course to be enrolled in school. Back then it was quite hard, there were no pre-school programs available for three years old, kids start kindergarten at age 6 and that was it, especially in the rural areas. But I can be very ruthless when I want something, so my parents somehow would find sympathetic Tadika KEMAS teachers who would let me sit in for a day or two, which would satisfy me for a while. So the year I can officially go to kindergarten and wear the uniform and be there for the whole day at school, five days a week, you can imagine, how excited I was and explain the speed of how I went from learning ABC to spelling words out and by the end of the month mouthing aloud a full sentence.

Of course I couldn’t put the speed down just to my enthusiasm, I was always surrounded by books, my parents were always reading and they look like they were having fun when they read, they don’t exactly read aloud to me, I don’t remember that, but both mom and dad would tell me fascinating stuffs and stories and it was obvious they get that from the countless of books and reading materials they read from. I was frustrated I could not access all of these whenever I want to, Mom is almost always busy with housework and Dad often travelled for work, so this is also a factor that made me want to read. Funnily enough the first time I read aloud a whole sentence (hmm, not a whole sentence if I recall correctly, actually a long title of a novel) it was a non-event, Mom was ironing, and ironing was not her favourite thing to do, I excitedly took a novel and read aloud the long title without spelling out or stumbling on it, hoping for a standing ovation from Mom, no less, and all Mom said “Okay, Along that’s enough go and have your bath.” (Or something to that effect, lol, I can’t recall her exact words, but I remember her waving it aside, like it was something that happened all the time.)

Despite the fact that my ability to read did not impress Mom, I wasn’t put off from reading, the words on the pages, the stories it could tell, the places it could bring me, fascinated me. From that moment my love affair with the written words begun and I haven’t fell out of love with it yet or ever will I think. We moved around a lot and I changed school a lot and I was a shy girl, but as long as the school have a library decent or not I was never lonely, the books were my friends. When I was young I read everything, anything I can lay my hands on I read, of course Mom introduced me to children’s classics – abridged versions and originals, Enid Blyton, Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys. I remember one year near the end of the school year, I was kind of upset because I have borrowed almost every single book in the school library and thinking what can I read next year? So when we moved yet again all I could think was a brand new school library to explore.

Of course Dad made sure I was provided with all the reading materials I need, he wondered all around KL looking for book sales and contacted friends like uncle Johan who was working as an editor in DBP then, who would give dad a whole box of misprinted copy of novels published by DBP, so I would be happy for about two weeks, devouring 2 or 3 novels a day. And when I was about nine I started stealing a read from Mom’s collection of Mills and Boons, which she thought was too adult for me, but as usual my stubbornness wins, and Mom lets me read it with a reminder to come to her if I am curious about anything, lol. I guess that started me on the road to reading romance novel, as I turned 13 I discovered Sweet Dreams series, and I found them more appealing to my teen self, and I guess Mom was relieved enough I let her M&B collection alone that she’ll let me buy as many Sweet Dreams books I want. But of course I was still supplementing my readings with library books, and biography of famous inventors and scientist was a favourite.

I think the depression I suffered right before SRP, started my limited choice of reading materials, Dad from personal experience and from looking after Mom with her schizophrenia was very reluctant to send me to be treated by psychiatrist here, so he decided to guide me himself through my first depression. What he did was, talking to me a lot and brought me on a visiting tour of our favourite places in Malaysia and supplied me with a lot of light reading materials, especially my favourite romance writers, I found that escaping into this fantasy happy-ever-after world helps calm my troubled soul and it help me manage my emotional turmoil. So in effect Dad found the perfect drug for me, addictive but not destructive, and it does not dull my mind or my reflexes or make so sleepy I can’t go to school, and from that moment on, books more specifically junk books, become a need, like the air that I breathe or the food that I eat. The only side-effect to Dad’s dismay is that I seem to be limiting my scope; I stick to books I can escape with and stopped reading non-fiction unless it is for school. The reason for that is mainly non-fiction tend to make me think and what I need from books was to stop me thinking, because when I start thinking too much, I get depress easily and I don’t like being depress, so I avoid non-fiction unless it is a feel good story etc.

So there I was faced with an upset boyfriend, wondering why I would be so nonchalant or uncaring about a book in which the subject he is passionate about and a book he made a point of reading quickly so he could leave it for me to read and talk about it with him, at lost to explain the reasons why. I apologized to him of course and promised him I would read it, and I did and the book was interesting and opened my eyes to a lot of things, but I kept thinking how to explain why I read the way I read. (If that make sense, lol). So there, Phil, Hun, this is my long overdue explanation, and it actually was fun writing it, lol, gave me a break from crying while writing. :)

I miss you Mummy 5

Yesterday was the 40th day since Mummy was called home, so after sending Adik to work, and having auntie Jen so graciously taking leave from work and lending her car, Daddy, Abang, Auntie and I pack in the car with two pots of plants we’ve been nurturing for about a month, shovel and a cooler bag full of drinks and head off to Chenor.

It was an uneventful drive, gave me plenty of time to think, memories peppered each landmark, and actually threatened to overcome my concentration, so I sang myself hoarse, so I could drive us safely there. We had breakfast along the way, so arrived at the graveyard around 12.30 p.m. The weather was exceptional yesterday, it was drizzling as we were driving, but by the time we arrived, it had stopped and because of that the sun was hidden by clouds so it wasn’t that hot. When we arrive Dad and Abang got to business, Abang raking the leaves and dad started raising the ground of mom’s grave using the shovel we bought the day before.



Dad and Abang spelled each other from time to time, it was hard work, the soil was wet so it was heavy to lift, but around 1.30 p.m., they were nearly done, the only thing left was to plant the plants we brought plus the plant in the pot I left 39 days ago. I was playing camera woman while all this hard work was going on and it was hard too because I kept being bitten by ants and going through the mud in my sandal was hard work. After the grave was done to Dad’s satisfaction, Dad recited Al-Fatihah and prayed, and so we said goodbye to Mummy yet again.




As we were cleaning up and packing things back up Dad told me to go back to the grave and take full shot of the grave. So I went and being alone, my tears could not be dam up anymore; I cried and told Mummy how much I miss her again and again. I think I took more angles of FS than required by Dad, but I guess Dad in his instinctive way, yet again, give me the chance to grieve privately.



Actually it was harder driving back, because we drove to Temerloh and that route hold so many memories, and going through the bridge was hard, Mom, Dad and I have a history on a drive to that bridge (maybe I’ll write about it someday), I think whatever part of my heart that has healed since broke again and I guess my bubble basket have to be back hard at work collecting the pieces.

After arriving safely at home, from a drive that took all my stubborn will to concentrate on, and after eating dinner, I distracted myself with WOW and Facebook games, Dad told me to sleep around midnite, I capitulated , but I kept tossing and turning, I can’t sleep. Abang had trouble sleeping as well, I talked to him about Mummy until he fell asleep but I myself can’t enter that sweet unconscious dreamland. So I did what I usually do when I can’t sleep and I need to, I texted Phil, unburden what was in my mind and cried myself to sleep. I miss you Mummy.

I Miss You Mummy 4

As we were putting away groceries and preparing lunch yesterday, after Daddy and Auntie Jen returned from the market, Auntie commented that we have a lot of salted eggs that we have not cooked, and my mind just suddenly thought of the many times I had to forbid Mom from eating salted eggs and other salty stuff, because I was afraid it would aggravate her hypertension, all I wanted was to prolong her life, but at that moment all I felt was regret that I didn’t let mom enjoy all the food that she love while she was alive. It was hard not to bawl out in front of everyone right there and then.

There are days like that when the weirdest things trigger the tears, it could be seeing Mom’s empty pill box or it could just be a fleeting memory that makes me real sad. I wonder if it will always be that way, Phil keep telling me its normal and the pain will lessen in time, but would that mean I’d forget, Abang asked me a couple of weeks ago, would he forget? He is afraid that he’ll forget Mom, because he says as time passed memories has become a blur and he is afraid the memories would disappear. I just assured him that he’ll never forget the important stuff, things might go fuzzy but his memory of Mummy’s love will always be there. I don’t know, it is tough, I have no idea how to steer everyone including me in this unfamiliar waters, I am just dealing with it, moment by moment, day by day. I have been thinking a lot what to write, the memories been swirling, but again having problem putting it all down, I wish February is here, so I could just talk it out with Phil, I think it’ll be easier talking it out, writing it out all alone is too lonely for me at the moment.

I don’t know, I’ll try again I guess, one of these days soon, because every time I wrote, I feel less tense, it is good for me, but as usual there have to be little pain for the great gain. Till I can write again, I miss you Mummy.

I Miss You Mummy 3

Mom and me had a weird dynamic, me stubborn and mom ignoring that stubbornness, and sometimes her ignoring my stubbornness leads to big disaster that led to some of my biggest life’s lesson, which worked out fine apart from a hospital trip or two :P, unlike dad who does not tolerate at all my stubbornness which basically make me dump all my stubbornness on mom, lol. Why am I stubborn? I don’t really know, I think it was my grandma who told me (could be other relatives, lol, I can’t really recall) that if a person has a mole behind her ear, it shows that the person was born stubborn, well I don’t know if it is true, but the thing is I have a mole behind both ears, so that is where the family is blaming my stubbornness on, and teasingly saying I am doubly stubborn. But if you look at it, mom told me I was a week or two early, mom fell in the bathroom one day, and I decided that was the perfect time for me to make my loud entrance into the world, so from day one I stubbornly refused to follow the schedule that was prepared for me, mom should have known from then on I am going to drag her from one stubborn tantrum after another, but I guess mom and dad didn’t, because they chose a sweet, demure third name for me (why I never liked being called Ayu, lol).

Anyway, the accident I had when I was 3 years old was because I was stubborn , I know mom blamed herself, but honestly it had to be blamed on my two moles, lol. We were living with Tok Jamilah (my maternal grandmother) then, across the street was my auntie’s house, I adored playing with my cousin who was one year older, so most of the time I’d be there. One day mom thought I have been at Mak Ngah’s house too long, so she came over to fetch me. Of course I refused, so mom bribed me by promising that she’d make banana fritters and Milo, my favourite snack at the time, and I reluctantly said goodbye and took Mom’s left hand, she was carrying 6 months old adik on her right. While we were waiting to cross, I had the bright idea to show mom how clever I was, despite being told and impressed upon a thousand times to never let go of my parents’ or an adult’s hand while crossing the road, I that day stubbornly did so and ran across the road as fast as I could as shown by my much older cousin, De Fidah, (I forgot the part where she showed to look, left and right first, not that I could tell my left and right, I just remember the run, lol), the thing was I made it safely across the road and as I was triumphantly turning to show mom what a clever girl I was, I flew into the air, yeah that was all I could recall now, how I flew into the air after the motorbike hit me, I can’t recall the impact, or the pain when the tip of my right little finger was blendered by the wheel, all I remembered was how I was thrown into the air and how time seems to have stopped and the absolute horrified look mom had. A look that stayed with me my whole life, which has stopped me doing a lot of foolish things, not all of course, I still have a lot to learn, but that accident taught me, to never let go of my parents hand when they are guiding me, even if I think I was too old for it, and of course it also taught me my left and right, lol, till today I still feel for that lost tip on my right hand little finger to make sure which is right or left.

Well I have a lot more stories of my stubbornness and how mom dealt with it, like why I hate my middle name so much, but I guess that is for another day, because again I am flooded by too many images to make it out into words. Till the next time then, I miss you Mummy.

I Miss You Mummy 2

After writing I Miss You Mummy ;( the other day, I had a talk with Phil. I was telling him I was worried that I might not be grieving properly, that I would wake up one day and totally lose it. He says he thinks I have not suppressed my grief, just that I don’t wallow in it, but taking me seriously he suggested I continue writing down my feelings, memories about mom, and he even added, I don’t even have to blog it, unless I want to, that made me smile, he knows I post almost anything on my blog, let’s face it not a lot of people would be interested in reading my infrequent updated blog which most of the time talk about me and my problems, the only people that read are Phil (when I make him, lol), my sister and a few close friends, whom I would share what I post anyway.

But the thing is I can’t write, memories been swirling around but I find no threads to tie them up, I can’t make it comprehensible, which make Phil’s way of getting drunk and talking about it easier to swallow, lol, since he and I both know that way is kind of close to me, so only writing it out is my only avenue. I tried really hard, especially the night I couldn’t sleep, I wrote How Do I ... a poem about my last hour with mom, it made me cry and actually till now I am still crying inside when I am with the family and real tears when I am alone, but I don’t think I am successful at keeping my sadness from them because everyone seems gloomier these 2 days.

Well anyway, what memories have been swirling apart from that vivid last moments, well that is just it, myriads of them, of the image of mom with my large bamboo cane given by a village gangster when daddy was shooting in Rembau, the cane was nearly 6 feet long and 2 inch thick, and there was mom in all her 5 feet 1 inch height using it to threaten me about what she is willing to do if I don’t go to school, and there I was, rebellious 15, who knew very well that cane will never touch me, but looking at sweet mom and know how badly she wants me to behave and not succumb to the sweet seduction of uncontrollable emotions, so I obeyed and till today the legend of mom carrying a large bamboo cane and harrying me to school remains in the family history.

And there was the time when I was away at university and trying to cook dinner for my housemates, I had to call mom 7 times just to find out if I am cooking her Kangkung Belacan correctly. The whole family still get a good laugh about that. I guess there’s just something in me who believed mom will always be there to cook up all my favourite food and only she can do it right, which stops me from learning all her recipes right, it takes me a long time to be able to make gulai, asam pedas, kangkung goreng belacan, just like she does it, because once I can she won’t do it anymore, saying I can do it now why don’t I make it for her, so I never did. I don’t think it is because I can’t cook or anything, I can learn and adapt a lot of recipes as long as it isn’t mom’s, or my sis would just say, I am just plain lazy, lol, by saying mom’s better, I never have to cook. But what can I say, it does taste better when mom cooks, mine just lack something. So when I was chatting with Phil, a few days after mom passed, I was telling him there’s so many things yet I haven’t learn from mom, and I think he was worried I would say women’s stuff, and so he ask what things? And he laughed when I said, “hmm right now, mostly I think of food.” And the thing is, it made us kids really sad, that we’ll never taste her Laksa Lemak, Ikan Sarak, Nasi Minyak, not that we haven’t helped her or watched her cook all this but we thought that there were still time for her to impart all this. One of the projects that we keep postponing is me typing out all the recipes that mom keeps in her head; well I guess that is what happen when you procrastinate.

Well I guess these two memories would have to do for now, before the myriad of others starts to confuse me on the deatails, anyway, can’t type through the tears anymore, but I guess will continue when the memories get too much in my head and I need to unburden again. I miss you Mummy.

How do I...

I wanted so much for you to stay,
I prayed and prayed
asking for more time
I whispered how I love you
and wasn’t ready to let you go
but at the end
I love you too much
to make you stay
I told you to go
I begged Him to take you
and as I sat quietly
watching you go
my heart broke the moment yours stop
I barely heard what the doctor said
I think a part of me went with you
I miss you so much
How do I go on without you?

rya
3/12/10
3.01 am

I miss you Mummy ;(

There is nothing worse for someone who depends on her ability to write things out to be able to sort her emotional turmoils to not be able to do that. In a previous post I mention how envious I was with dad and sis who could write out what they were feeling after mom passed away. It is three weeks today since mom went home and I still can’t write. I have so much to say, not that I don’t but I can’t write it down or to be more correct type it out. I have stared at the blank Words pages countless of time I can’t count it on my hands anymore, finger poised ready to type, but nothing, all those emotions roiling in my brain desperate to come out can’t be put to words, somehow the tools of my catharsis all this troubled years failed me when I need it the most.

A lot of people won’t understand this, as shown by comments daddy and adik received on their piece of writing, 90% begged them to move on, not to dwell on the grief, that it is not healthy, and not good for Mom’s peace etc. But what they don’t get is, it is very healthy process for them, if they are able to work through their grief through what they do best i.e. writing and something selfless mom won’t begrudge, and most grief counsellor would agree it is a good thing to do. I guess people who don’t depend on writing wouldn’t get it, for most writing is something to dread not to enjoy, and most probably haven’t experience the catharsis that writing their emotions or problems could give them. It doesn’t matter, what matters is that I need it, bad. When I was talking to Phil soon after, he urged me to write, he knows it would help me more than any comforting words he could say, and since he is thousands of miles away and can’t give me the hug I needed, he knows that writing would offer me the comfort of release.

But what can I say? Everything seems so cold, so sterile, and I am numb. Reading the diagnosis on the death certificate over and over again, sepsis with multiple organ failure, a cold sterile statement that does not indicate at all the world of hurts it has inflicted on me and the family. Losing mom was something I am not ready for, during the middle of the46 days of her hospital stay, when things were looking quite bleak, Phil asked me if I was prepared, I told him the truth, I don’t think I will ever be prepared. And though outwardly I am going through the motions for everyone’s sake, inwardly I am a mess, shown by my desperate message on Phil’s Skype: -

I want mom back Hun, she is the only one who loves me no questions ask, I can do anything, be anything and she loves me

Basically that says it all, mom was truly the only person who has unconditional love for me, actually for all of us in the family, and I have lost that and it hurts and it doesn’t make sense that it all started with a stupid fall that cause no fracture and end up with me losing someone I am so not ready to see gone. She was supposed to see me married thus giving her the hope of having grandchildren – her dearest wish – and when she has fulfilled so many of my dreams, it seems so unfair that time won’t let me fulfil one of hers. What hurts was when she was first lucid in the first weeks of visiting her, she said to me almost desperately for me to get married, and I jokingly told her who is going to look after her if I do, and when she says my husband will, I sort of promise her that when she gets better I will do my best to get her that wish. Noticed I said when, not if, because I would have never imagined she wouldn’t be there.

Well I guess I have gone as far as I can today, it is a start, and though there’s still a world of hurts inside of me, as Phil say it needs time, time will make it bearable, but right now I can’t see that time would ever take the hurt away. I miss you mummy.

Speechless

In previous post, I said I can’t write because the words wouldn’t come out. Now I have so many words that wanted to come out, but the words are so bitter and angry that I don’t think I should write it out. It will be taken wrongly by so many and hurt some people that I do not intend to hurt. I don’t know why nothing comes easy in my life; dealing with losing mom is hard enough but as always life will always throws a curve that makes it harder. But I am afraid of the repercussion of bottling all this emotion up, I had to control the flow of my tears, so the siblings could lean on my strength and dad would have one less thing to worry about, I was so good at bottling that up till I scared the nurses who had never seen someone so calm awaiting family to come, till the relatives were whispering it is ok to cry, I know that, but what they don’t understand I can only cry when I am alone, because when Adik and Abang see me cry they would cry of course but the worse thing is they lose their shoulder to cry on because they assumed my shoulder is already burdened with my own insurmountable pain.

But my tears are not really bottled up, just controlled, so I should be all right, I am grieving properly. But this anger and bitterness have no outlet I could direct it to. To be clear my anger and bitterness is not about losing mom, I am at peace with that. She was in so much pain towards the end, the non-stop bleeding in her mouth that I had to suction out, made me whisper to mom to let go if she can’t take it anymore, and I begged God to take her if it is her time. So I am sad but I am glad mom is at peace. I can’t even tell why I am angry, it is too ugly to be exposed and how do I deal with that? I have learnt from experience how dangerous my bottled up emotions could be, I don’t want another major breakdown, I can’t afford it, I have Dad, Adik and Abang to look after, who are all vulnerable emotionally right now, so won’t be able to handle it if I get sick.

All I want to ask is why? Don’t they think we are already in enough pain? Or is the rewards gain from visiting the sick and attending the funeral enough to cover this minor sin of hurting the family of the decease feelings? I don’t know, but I guess my heart already broke when mom passed away, so this couldn’t make it worse could it? You can’t hurt an already broken heart, I guess.

Bereft of words

Dad has his photos and his poems, sis found her groove back and wrote an eloquent eulogy from the heart, but I can’t even write a short status, I can’t find the words. Phil told me to write, he says it would help, but I told him the words won’t come out, and he says, it will come. I guess it all boils down to what I sms to Phil right after I called Adik to tell her the news, I texted, “ Hun, Mom just passed away. I think my heart just broke a million pieces.” And my words have always been from the heart, and its broken now, how can it come?

Mummy's Promise

Three weeks ago thereabouts when I was bedsitting Mummy, the patient next to her bed passed away and her mom was crying. I whispered to Mum (and I know this wasn’t fair or very adult), “Mummy promise me, you won’t make me cry that way.” She nodded as Mum always do when I ask her impossible things, never saying a word because she knows I know it is impossible, I just needed the comfort that Mum will try her best for my impossible request. That is Mum to the core; her love for us will make her try all the impossible things and most of the time she made it possible. There are so many things yet I want to share with her, on his attempt to help me prepare for the worse, even Phil was distracted with his own hopes and dreams:

[10/8/2010 3:49:59 PM] Phil McQuinn: i saw my own eyes what a wonderful kind person she was
yet the welcome she gave me cannot be exaggerated
it’s a tribute that sounds hollow
I was concerned of course :P
yet your parents set me to ease
and I have nothing but the deepest respect for your father AND mum
the world will be poorer without her, I wish to the bottom of my heart that its not her time
i really want her to see her daughter married
I would dearly wish and i do pray I can watch you show her, her grandchildren
it would give me great happiness to see that day
but those are my hopes, my dreams
not to burden you with
sorry
got distracted

But I guess that is just us planning, God decides. However I made Mummy promise, the decision is in God’s hand. Ya Allah, will you grant me a little more time?...

Alone

Words have left me
and I am bereft
without them
speechless
to describe
how
now
I
…

rya
30 September 2010, 11.10 pm

Storms

You know the saying when it rains, it pours. It really does. In my storms hit life, however bad it gets I have always had someone to help prop me up, my survival so far has depended on that. So when Mummy was critical in ICU, even though I cried, from guilt mostly, I know I’d get through it because Daddy, Adik and Abang is right beside me and of course the support of others that love us. But yesterday when in the morning the doctor told me Abang has influenza B and has to be quarantined at home for three days, and then brought Adik to the doctor to check out her swollen foot – infected wound and need rest, and seeing Daddy who can’t barely move because of a bad back ache, and seeing Mummy who is slowly improving health wise but worsening mental wise, was just too much. I have never felt so alone or so overwhelmed. Texting my boyfriend and one of my closest friend help somewhat, but both being so far away can’t take away that feeling of helplessness of not being strong enough to do all that needs doing. Before anyone starts telling me that Allah is always beside me and I should have faith in Him to help me, I know that, but me being human with human failings so that moment of weakness is kind of expected, isn’t it?

I am just writing this as usual to get this out of my system instead of it fermenting and becoming toxic in my mind, I am all right or I’ll be fine soon because I am the pillar and my weak point is still protected so I guess will not be crumbling anytime soon.

Waiting...

Does a pillar have a choice not to be strong?
Can it choose to sway when storms hit?
Of course not,
it was never design to choose,
but it doesn’t mean it won’t break
because if you hit it hard enough
or exactly at its weakest point
it’ll not only break
it might crumble and fall.
Do I have a choice not to be strong?
It was never an option,
but having no choice
make my weakest point weaker
and one hit is all it is going to take
and all my life
it has been a waiting game
of when would the cookie crumbles…

Sad September

September is here again, and since the year that marks my sweet sixteen I have always dreaded this month, the month I was born in. Exactly why I don’t know, but it was soon after my 15th birthday I suffered my first depression, a month or so before my Sijil Rendah Pelajaran (SRP) examination. Actually the years of my late teens up to early twenties are quite vague in my mind, too many bad memories, questionable actions, horrible mistakes etc that I have filed hastily away and covered with layers and layers of ‘distractions’.

Why then do I try to unpack these better left forgotten memories now? I don’t know. Maybe it’s facing yet another birthday and it makes me maudlin, or maybe I feel I am back to square one, back in that moment when I was so confuse and angry at the unstable state of my mind. It could be also that I am now stuck in limbo of not knowing which route to chose and have no clear idea where each routes going to take me and that means major changes, and changes is just not something I deal very well with. Anyone who knows me knows I am seriously anal about my habits, I have been doing things the same way for so long, I have kept wearing the same type of shoes for years, buying the same model and color year after year (if they last that long that is), it is not that I don’t change or evolve but every change is painful and takes me a long time to accept and adapt. So I guess in this limbo of indecision, maybe it is a good idea to trace back my route so far and maybe then the yellow brick road will reveal itself.

But then again what good would it do, rehashing stuff that is well left behind, I have dealt with it, learnt from it and grown, I still have a lot of growing to do, but these old memories might not be the best tool for it. I don’t know. I really wish sometimes I could look into the future and see clearly what is best to be done and what is best not done, but we’ve seen how well it turns out in the stories of people knowing their future. So I guess I just have to live one day at a time and deal with my confusion as I have always done it, taking one hesitant step after another with my love ones by my side.

Here’s to hoping this birthday depression will run its course quick and prove to me yet again that however depress I get my loved ones – friends and family included – will give me a memorable birthday. Here’s to my 34th, yeah. (If you could only hear the sarcastic tone, there, lol)


*A photo of me on the first day of my life.*

Missing and Needing

The other day, he and I had the sweetest conversation on Skype, but at the same time it was heartbreakingly sad. He was telling me how much he loves me but that leads to how much he is missing me and even though both of us know if we work at it someday we’ll find a way to be together, but the promise of someday pales, when we need each other now. It is really hard when you laugh and you know the other person would appreciate the joke and he is not there to share it, and telling it after the fact is just not the same.

I have actually been torturing myself today, listening to Lady Antebellum’s Need You Now, but it says exactly what I feel most of the time nowadays. I am not saying I am moping around all day missing him; I have distractions, daily life chores that keep me busy, but at the back of my mind he is always there, and I wonder if everyone in love feels that way or is my feelings amplified because he is so far away?

Well for now I guess I just have to plod along and hope life has better plan for us along the way, and maybe in the meanwhile I will find a way to better handle the misery of missing him so much.

I Got it Wrong, I think, Virgin is a Bad Word! :P

When I wrote Since When Virgin is a Bad Word, I really thought someone somewhere must have been confuse, but now I think I am the one confuse. Yesterday listening to Rihanna's Rude Boy I finally come to the conclusion that to someone in control of censoring stuff for the Malaysian public: virgin=bad ; sexual conduct(as long as the word sex is not mention anywhere)=good.

Why would I think that? It is the only reason I could come out with, because I refuse to believe anyone would be so stupid not to understand the innuendo in Rihanna's song and yet feel fit to bleep the word virgin in Train's Hey Soul Sister. I am not saying that censoring stuff is a good practice anyway, but hey if you want to do it, might as well do it right and be consistent about it.

Maybe I think too much, lol. If this bothers me so much. :)

Journey's End

at this point in time
i am tempted to end this journey of mine
the breakdowns and the road blocks
have come way too fast and too many to count
as i got through each one
however determined and resolved
i have become after a rest at the r & r
truth be told I am too tired to continue
however beautiful the view sometime
the journey is taking its toll on my soul

but looking at others' journey's end
i realise cutting a journey short
is the biggest mistake I could do
there is untold stories left
waiting along the road still
and though sometimes i traverse on it alone
but most of the time my journey collides with others
as others have collided with mine
and ending a journey before its time
leave too many journeys unfulfilled
'cause even when a journey ends
at its natural point
i still wonder what could have been
if ...


rya
14/07/10
9.39 a.m.

p.s : sis says this sounds too much like prose, hmmm, am I feeling too bad to fall into passing prose as poetry. I don't know, but nothing seems to work these days. Well another one to be corrected or thrown into the bin. There are just days...

As The Silence Deafen

Again the silence deafen
voiceless voices of recrimination
pinned me down
and I am now mute
too defeated to try
to answer back!

Will I ever find the will
to fight back
or is this the moment
I’ll never get up from?

Countless of battle won
and in the end
am I going to lose the war?

Questions with no answer found
as the silence deafen again.


rya
30/6/10
7.43 am

Limbo

The road ahead is unfamiliar territory
I don’t know the lay of the land
And as always I am afraid
Everyone think I am strong
But no one knows
How weak I am most times
How it terrifies me no end
To risk anything new
How I cry like a baby
Breathing in its first breath
So now I am frozen in fear
Not knowing where to go
Turning back is not an option
And moving forward scares me
The unknown beckons
And I don’t dare look it in the eye
Until courage come find me again
I’ll be frozen in this limbo
Of constant paranoid terror!

rya
7.43 pm
24 May 2010

Since When Virgin is a Bad Word?

I have always find Malaysian censorship board as a bit loopy. Well the things they decide to sensor or not are just ridiculous sometimes. And the underestimation of the Malaysian public's intelligence is just insulting.But since we have to live with 'em we have learn to accept it as the quirkiness that is Malaysia. Even though it is funny when u think one singer had to rerecord the word 'sex' to 'love' just so it could be played on the radio, but the song "I Want to Make you Sweat" is allowed in its full glory of implications just because the word sex was never mention.

But when I heard what the sensor did in the song 'Hey Soul Sister'by Train, I just got flabbergasted, I don't know in what world it is we live in if virgin is considered a bad word. Have a listen and hear the bleep in this line, "I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna".I can't imagine the discussion they would have had to rationalize that. It must have gone something like this:

A: Virgin is so a bad word, because it is related to sex, we don't want the teenager to think about sex, so let's bleep virgin out of this song.

B: (nods) Yes you are so right, it is a bad word. Let's bleep it.


Frightening isn't it? I don't think I'd want to live in a world where virgin is a bad word. ;)

To Love or Not to Love

When I was young, I often heard dad saying that if you are ever in a relationship, let the other person loves you more than you love him. It never made sense to me. I guess there's a logic to that, it helps you protect your heart. It will never put you in the position of you needing him more than he ever needs you.But like everything I do in life, I do love wholeheartedly. I can't just say right I love you and that is it. To say I lack love and it made me needy is just ain't true, I have been loved more than I deserve sometimes. Like when bro comes into my life, I have focus almost all my energy in making sure he is alright, that I give him all that he needs. And to his mortification he was all I talk about at work or with friends.

Now I have someone else in my life, well I can't say he is my first boyfriend, but he mights as well be coz the relationship I had before was so superficial, so I can say he is the first person to have the power to break my heart. The way I am going, I don't think I have heeded dad's advice, lol, at times I feel like I am so consume by the thought of him, a constant need to be in contact with him, and carrying around an ache to be with him, which is of course difficult, coz he being so far away. I know he loves me, I don't doubt that, but he seems better at functioning without me, it seems. I paid to play a game, which I swore i'd never do, and it helps me spend time with him however little contact we actually have. At times it seems the game is more important, lol, that he can do without me a few hours, but he can't miss out on his daily quest or be in that interesting raid. I admit it made me cried a few times being ignored or push aside for a game lol, and I guess that is the point of dad's advice, if the other person loves me more than I love him, I wouldn't be so affected,I wouldn't feel hurt. But I do, no matter how many time I try to reason it out, I just need to feel I matter I guess, and it is hard when I get ignored, or promises given, broken. But the thing is when he do spend time with me, even just to tell me what he did in the game, sharing his frustration, testing out his ideas, asking my opinion,I feel so happy, that it made up for all those time he is silently playing his game. I wonder if I'd feel this way if I get to see him every other day instead of only having him on skype chat. I guess that would put this relationship on a different dynamics.

Well I guess that is what I have to learn now, a new kind of compromise and finding balance in myself, learning to control a different kind of emotion and not to let myself drown in my own excessive need. But till then I guess I'll continue to sing this song from Lady Antebellum "Need You Now" and hope he hears it somehow. Coz the lyric really does say what I'm feeling right now.

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.

Lost

You are not worth anything
You don't deserve to be loved
You are a loser
You are a failure
You are trash
You are NOTHING!

Lord the voices
they are getting
LOUDER.

I don't think
I have the strength
to silence them
anymore.

I can feel myself
nodding to it
and asking
for help
to drown the voices
it is no use
coz no one see
that I have
lost my strength
that I won't
win this fight
anymore.

I know
I have
always
face this
alone
but Lord
I can't anymore
I am losing
the war
after so many
battles won.

Help!


rya
15 May 2010
11.58 pm

Love Hurts

Love hurts, never get that before, I do now. It doesn't matter what kind of love it is, whether for that special someone or for your family. Loving someone opens you up to an open wide chance of being hurt. I don't know why I let myself be vulnerable to this, I use to be protected, but it was lonely. Actually I am glad that I have let myself feel again, but when it hurts like today I wonder if it is worth all this pain.

There are words when said by the one you love can make you feel like a thousand knives twisting in you heart. I have always been vulnerable to dad's disapproval, and today was worse than any disapproval. I hate it when I feel like this.

It doesn't help that loving someone so far away makes me hurt everyday, missing him so much that it is no longer fun,it hurts!

So on all front right now love is hurting me, and all I want is for him to be here to take the hurt away!

Lol I sound like I am 5, but sometimes things are as simple and as complicated as when I was 5, I'd be happier. Well another day, gone by, another step! One day at a time I guess, Lord I hope the days in front are not as tough as now!

What a girl would do...

I never thought I'd be the kind of girl, who'd like something or do something, just because her man likes or does it. But then again I never had enough boyfriends to know whether I am or not, lol.

One of the things Phil and I have in common is that we both like to play online games, we met in a game apps on facebook, lol. But facebook games are free and easily accessible and learned and played. Lately though he has been spending more and more time away from facebook and more and more in World of Warcraft(WoW). Missing him so much, I finally gave in and bought it and paid the subscription, just so I could spend more time with him, lol, and not spend my time being jealous of a game (at times I think WoW as his other woman, lol).

It is a good game admittedly, engaging but very difficult to learn for me. But I think without him around I would have stopped playing after a few weeks, coz I get bored with stuff that is hard for me to master. But he is patient with me, teaching me, even though it should have been obvious, but I guess it amuses him watching me learn. There's nothing I like more than the time when we play together, just him and me, doing quest, dying at quest, and him telling me stuff, bout what he has learnt, and guiding me along, the game is more than fun then, it gives us this rare chance to connect as much as we could being a thousand miles apart. So I have been thinking of all the time together when it is just him and me and no other friends of his along for the quest as our dates, lol, coz since WoW came along and I was not playing it, he has been ending our Skype date short lol, but now when he is not busy with his main character, he come and spend time with me. So now when I hear Sugarland's Stay, it does not make me think of all the time Phil spend in WoW.

It is funny this relationship of mine, we have to create new ways to be together, most long distance relationship does not work, so I guess we have to keep thinking of unique ways to keep this relationship alive, till we can be together in real time, I guess dating in Thunder Bluff and all around the places in WoW will have to do. LOL

A Journey

I have always it seems taken the road less traveled by, I never learnt to chose the easier road and go where it takes me, but have a knack in me to turn where I shouldn't or cut through unknown or undiscovered path. It scares me always, it always made me feel like I am making the biggest mistake in my life, but so far it seem I am where I need to be. I am at such junctures again, and I think I have lose my courage to venture forth where no one has gone before. I am stuck there not knowing where to go, scared that any steps I make would be ruinous.

Oh Lord, again I ask for help, strength at least to take that first step and a guide or companion for the rest, I don't know what I have done with my life so far, has it meant anything to anyone, it seems right now I have managed to tangle it pretty badly so far. I know I have not taken anyone's hand or needed to for a long time to travel this lonely road, but right now I am too scared to go forth alone. I have made too many wrong choices alone, I guess I still need some guide, so I guess I'll wait here until I feel someone take my hand, squeeze it to give strength and hand in hand walk this road with me. I am not strong enough anymore to go through this journey alone. Hopefully wherever the road will takes me next will bring some peace to my troubled heart.

The Soundtrack of a Relationship

It has been nine months or so of our knowing each other, or that is what he tells me, lol, he counted, I didn't. Well it is nine wonderful months, I can tell you that, but it seems in that nine months we have accumulated quite a soundtrack if I ever want to turn this to a movie as teasing friend ask me to do, lol.

It started with a song, or at least a score of a classic song that he says he can hear as he read my knighthood journey in a thread I started on the KH forum. That was how we met, he snidely commenting my thread and then offering his friendship, and ever since that he has taken me on a whirlwind journey of wonder, he has that capacity to have fun whatever he is doing and he is reteaching me that.

As he starts to break down the wall I hold on anyone befriending me, I was protesting all the way. Sis could attest that I won't admit to what I am feeling, she keep trying to say that he is more of a friend, but my scared self would say, no, he is a very good friend. But to deny all my protest, Colbie Callait's song Falling for You keep playing on the radio, reminding my protesting heart how I really feel. Well you can't blame a girl who has been hurt so many time trying to protect her fragile heart, especially when there is no clear indication he likes her that way, lol.

But no denial could interfere when our eyes met,lol. It was like zing, he's the one. But even then, as we were so comfortable with each other, neither of us said a word. We were enjoying being together, but both I guess couldn't find the words or song yet to describe it to each other. I know I was shy, don't know about him, but I guess he was because it took him a day or two after he was home to ask. Even then he was fumbling with the words, lol, so cute.

Then the soundtrack really took of, lol. I kept listening to Train's Hey Soul Sister, and the lyrics " I knew I wouldn't forget you / and so I went and let you / blow my mind / your sweet moon beam / the smell of you in every / single dream i dream / I knew when we collided / you're the one I have decided / who's one of my kind " kind of say what I want to say. I send that to him. And he responded big time, lol. He sent me two songs, saying both remind him of me every time he listen to it. The first song was Dido's Don't Leave Home . When I listen to it, I had goose bumps lol. The song literally describes what I feel, and the chorus made me cry, " If you're cold / I'll keep you warm / If you're low just hold on / Cause I will be your safety / Oh don't leave home " because without asking he know at that moment I really needed to hear that.

The next song was Damien Rice's Cannonball. I'll just paste a bit of the lyric because it speaks for itself, lol.

" There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It’s still a little hard to say what's going on

There’s still a little bit of your ghost your witness
There’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can´t say what´s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
There’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can´t see what´s going on"

And when we talk to each other, especially discussing how we feel, it is smattered with song reference. Like when he told me he is looking for an equal partner and he'll say what he looks for in a relationship is like that line in Coldplay's Viva la Vida, " be my mirror, my sword and shield / my missionaries in a foreign field". And when I complain that he is spending too much time in WoW, I'd just quote Sugarland's Stay, lol. And when he tells me that I don't have to worry anymore and he says, "I'm yours". I can't help but hear Mraz singing that song, lol.

So I guess for nine months that is quite an impressive line of song, lol. What could we chose as our favourite, I guess only time would tell, the only song I wouldn't want to ever be in our soundtrack would be Kelly Clarkson's Already Gone, coz sometimes I fear it would. Well no maudlin thoughts allowed, he would get upset with me, lol. To end, I'd quote my favourite song For Life by Cliff Richard

Where do I start
How do I find
A way to explain how I'm feeling inside
These words could never be enough
To tell you just how much

I love you
With all that I am
And I need you
Please understand
From now on
Till the day that I die
You can be sure
That I'm in this love
For life

Dreams can come true
Just look at us
We've been given a chance from heaven above
With God's help we'll raise a family
And through the years you will see
I love you
More every day
I'll be with you every step of the way
From now on
Till the day that I die
You can be sure
That I'm in this love
For life

As the seasons change
Our love will remain strong
And I promise you
I promise you

I love you
More every day
I'll be with you
In the joy and the pain
From now on
Till the day that I die
You can be sure
That I'm in this love
For life
That I'm in this love
For life
That I'm in this love
For life

Memories of You

I still remember that smile
a quick smile as our glance met,
it still plays in my mind's eye
now that you are so far away,
I miss that smile.

The first time you held my hand,
it felt like you'd never let go,
but of course you did,
you had to go,
and now I miss that connection.

When you held me in your arms,
I felt safe after so long,
I wonder when I'd feel that again,
and as you said
I miss all this little things,
when in actual fact
I miss you
here
with me.

My head is in a mess with this questions

I am a mess, I still haven figured a way out of my present predicament and I have to add on new questions to my already messed up brain. I wrote something out as usual, it is horrible, but I just need to let it out. So toxin out....


Questions???

he says you are perfect for me
he says you are the one
he says it is like I have won the lottery
he says I love you
but
I can’t see the way we’d be together
you are there I am here
I can move there
but what can I do there
we can’t live on air
so in the end were we meant for do or die?

Remembering

What more could I ask,
he flew halfway round the world for me,
pulled out all the stops
just to be sure
he'd get there
and gave me the three best days of my life.

So if I am feeling a bit lonely today,
a bit bereft,
missing him so much,
I guess I kind of have to remember
I have gotten more than I could
ever imagine,
and that this agony
will make the next time
he comes to see me
so much better.

So holding on to the memories,
till we can make new ones,
and till then it is back
to Skype hugs and kisses.

The Human Connection

Ages ago, I wrote how Knighthood save me from tumbling down into the dark world of depression. The game is interesting, it keeps my mind off of things, but the main reason it helps is the human connection I made there. I don't know what makes it different from other facebook apps or games, that you tend to make really good friends. But knighthood is a real social game, you can't avoid making connections with other players as you play it.

I met some of the best people while making my way through the game, and gotten to know someone who has turn out to be one of the best friend that I have ever had. From the first hello, we sorta had a feeling that we have so much in common, his first YM, he was telling me that I was his game soul mate. As the months progress, the instant messaging was getting more frequent until it became a daily talk on Skype. We talked at first about Knighthood, but soon it was every topic under the sun, and basically we are so alike it was freaky. But finally, I found someone who understand how I feel deep down, and I don't really have to spell out stuff for him, LOL, Phil would know how I felt about things even if I just kept quiet, and that is rare, LOL, understanding stuff that is left unsaid is not a skill many man has.

He was always telling me that he'd come and visit me some day or asking me to come and visit him. But I have always taken that someday as part a long period of time or a dream unreachable for now, the day he told me he is actually coming to visit, I was so happy, I couldn't described the euphoria, and when words fail me, that is something, LOL. The anticipation kept me occupied and drove away all the dark clouds that was still hovering, but I was also nervous, meeting up for real is actually different from just chatting online, no matter how comfortable and close those chat makes us feel. But from the first smile and hug as he got off the plane, it was real comfortable, like we have known each other awhile, and thinking about it, we have, somehow the connection we made talking everyday was for real and when he came as he said, it was just a continuation of that, just putting a physical element to our relationship.

Now that i have had the best three days of my life, I have to remember to thank God for answering my prayers, I asked Him, a long time ago, to send someone apart from family that could give back meaning and purpose to my life and He did it in such a spectacular way, that it renewed my faith, LOL, He surely like to answer my prayers in a roundabout way, but when He answers He really answers, LOL.

Well I guess that is it, this is just to answer all those questions my friends are asking when I posted the photos for his visit, which was limited, lol, most of it was taken at the airport when he was flying back, because I brought Dad along, the family official photographer. Who knew a game would give me so much more than a moments enjoyment. Cheers!

Obsession

Each time it happens,
I vow I won't let myself be this pathetic,
I'd say I should not be so dependent
on a presence that is at best fleeting and virtual,
but somehow my heart won't let me be,
it doesn't matter,
that we have never met,
what we have shared made
meeting superfluous somehow,
but it is getting ridiculous
how low I feel,
the tears that fell for no reason,
the need to speak,
that it hurts so bad.
I think it has come to a point of obsession
an obsession I have no control over,
but having someone
whom I can talk to,
who can make me smile just by saying hello
who understands every single thing
I said or left unsaid
is so hard to give up.
But every time the silence cuts
deeper and deeper,
that I pray for the next
conversation,
the waiting is torturous,
and makes me wonder why?

Why do I feel this way?

Why do I need him so?

Why am I so pathetically obsess?!

Bubbles

It happens again,
as my my basket of bubbles,
seems to be bursting full of happiness,
the bubbles burst and scatters as the wind blows.

Here I go,
gathering the pieces back,
thinking why do I let it happen
again and again.

Why can't I just keep it together,
and not let others be in control
of my bubbles of happiness,
but then again,
bubbles are meant to burst,
till I can get
my bubbles to be pearls
I guess my basket still
have to travel far.

rya
4.55 pm
27 January 2010

Friendship

Friendship is a funny thing with me. All my life I have never made a friend. What do I mean, surely being the ripe old age of 33, i have friends right? Well what I am trying to say is I have never initiated anything, every one of my friends had to make the first move, I am so shy, that even saying hello to is quite a burden to me, and my dad made it difficult by moving so many times when I was young, imagine all the time I sit back timidly looking at all this new people tongue-tied and afraid. But somehow or other there will be that friendly kid who will come up and introduce herself and then introduce me to all her friends and before I can blink i be come a part of a groups and I have friends. I would like to say I outgrew this but this scenario continued up till I was working, even in my online game, people had to approach me first before I become comfortable enough to open up.

But the thing is once I made a friend, it is for life, I am fiercely loyal to them and tries to keep up my friendship as best I can. The only thing is it is very hard for me to have close friends, I keep a lot of things to myself, behind shields, so I guess that does not bode well for a closer friendship. So suffice to say I have many friends but very few close friends or bffs as the saying goes. So it amazed me that the friendship I made through an online game, has turned out to be the strongest and closest I have ever experienced in my life. I have never met this person, but I could understand how he feels as easily as he does me, we know each other so well, it is almost we could read each others mind. I don't know, maybe the medium of our communication, which kind of give a superficial immunity that made me so comfortable in opening up. The things I have told him, I would never in a million years share with friends I have known since young, but it is so easy to tell him stuff that I usually bottled up inside. I guess it is a blessing in a way, because at this point in my life I have no one in my life apart from family I could share certain things with, and lately given the kind of emotional state my sister is in, I have not dared share a lot of things with her, and it is never good to bottle up certain emotions. I have used blogs as a place to purge before, but it is not as satisfying as having someone who knows u listen and then giving their feedback. So I should say it is about time I found a good friend who can do that for me.

But now, I have noticed a certain kind of dependency, of constantly needing him to be around, and I don't think that is a fair demand on anyone. So I am trying so hard not to depend on him when I need to hash out certain things, but it is difficult, because just having him say hi and asking how are you make it all seem so much better. So I guess I need to learn to be more independent like I use to be and not let my needs ruin a really good friendship.

My Deepest Darkest Fear!

If my previous post was any indication, it is clear I am not feeling that good. Dark thoughts has been on my mind the whole day. I have tried and tried so hard to fight this, but honestly, I think each day, I am losing the battle and soon the war.

I just can't seem to see myself out of this darkness, and the two things that is holding me back are losing their grip on me. Listening to "If Tomorrow Never Comes" does not evoke that feeling of needing to be here for my love ones anymore, instead I am thinking if tomorrow never comes there would be bliss. I don't have to fight anymore, because I am so tired of the fight. My whole life has been about the fight, and I just can't find the strength to go on anymore.

Daily now, it has been a battle of not letting the ever present tears flow. I seem to be doing a good job of hiding it I guess, cause no one has noticed. Adik sees me sad sometimes, but each time it coincide with the time I couldn't talk to him. so she teases me instead. Oh God, if she only knew that I have lost the ability to be happy and that sadness has turn into despair and that I am thinking thoughts I have never thought of before, she'd be worried instead. But I hope these are just thoughts, cause I hope I find the strength somewhere to hold on. These storms will pass, they have to, it just seems right now it will never end. I just need to get through each day, and I know God will help me, somehow I will find my way back into the sunshine. But right now the darkness is a little too much to bear and the light seems too far away.

A friend told me what he fears most is that when God ask what his contributions was in his lifetime, that he wouldn't know how to answer that, made me think to myself, "What have I done in this life that made a different?" Have I touched anyone's life, did my existence means something? If tomorrow I decide to end it all, would my life has been a waste? Did I leave a ripple? Or would I just fade into oblivion and no traces of me anywhere? I don't know how this make me feel, actually. it should make me want for more time to at least leave a mark, but at this point, I don't really care, fading out sounds blissful. And that is what worried me the most, I have never come to this point before, not in my deepest despair, have I ever lost hope like this, so have I turn the point of no return? Lord, I hope not. But it is just too much to bear now, and I feel so alone, even surrounded by people who loves me and whom I know will be there for me even at the gates of hell, I still feel so alone!

So there, my deepest darkest fear is that in the end I won't be strong enough to face that final battle!

The Silence Deafen

The silence deafen again,
The silent recrimination runs through my head,
All the voices telling me
there's no way out!
I wish I could shut it out!
Coz the more I listen,
the more despair gets me!
And the only way out I see,
the only way to silent all these
painful voices,
is to end it swiftly
with a knife
or a crash
or the downing of a deadly subtance!
If only something could break this silence
So I don't have to hear
all these negativity
so that I can stop seeing
that only way out!
Coz that will be final
and not a finale
I would like, but
the silence deafen!


rya
14/01/10
4:44 pm

Life in the Touch N Go Lane.

Today as I was on my way to pick up Abang from school I got stuck for about 5 minutes or so behind a few cars in the Touch N Go lane at the toll. I was kinda wondering what was holding us up. What is the point of using Touch N Go and still you get stuck right? But it happens often enough. The toll where I have to past to go to Abang's school even the Smart Tag lane will get stuck. Well Malaysia Boleh!

But the thing is this remind me of so many times when really funny and sometimes idiotic incidents that happen in the Touch N Go lane. There was one time when Adik, Abang, and I was on our way back from Sunway we saw this elderly couple keep reversing and moving forward in the next lane. As we had to line up in our lane cause there's a few car in front of us, we got to see, what was happening. This couple I guess have never used the card, but have heard about how to go through Smart Tag lanes, so there they was waving the card about in their car and panicking because it seems not to work, so the uncle keeps backing out while yelling desperately to his wife to wave the card better. The catch was they were in the Touch N Go lane and even if they were in the Smart Tag lane, they didn't have the Smart Tag device. Well as we drove away as soon as I touch the card to the reader, we were hilariously laughing, I know it was bad of us, but it was too funny.

That incident was funny and for once it didn't affect me, but most other incidents do. There was one time I saw a car back out of one Touch N Go lane and entering the next one to it, so me in my infinite logic, deduced that there was someting wrong with that lane, so I neatly manouevered to follow that car in to the next lane. Big mistake, because the car kinda stop and I was wondering what is wrong now, then the driver open his window and tentatively wave a one Ringgit note in the air. I was like muttering expletive, thinking what kind of idiot who realise he made a mistake entering one Touch N Go lane and then make the same mistake. So needless to say, I had to risk accident that day to back out of the lane and let him reverse to go to the cash lane. I wish I could say this is a one time incident, but there has been many a time I have to do this dangerous manouever just because people were not careful enough to chose their lanes.

Well I can say that driving through many Touch N Go lanes, I have learned a lot about life in general, mostly it has taught me to have more patience and to be more careful in what lanes I chose, because you never know who would be driving the car in front of you! ;)

The Reason Why

I have thought about it long and hard,
Why do I like you so much?
Why do you make me happy?
And why without you I feel bereft and without hope?

You understand me,
I never have to tell you much,
You already know.
You listen to me,
I talk a lot, I know,
But you always listen,
No matter what.
You tell me your dreams,
And let me tell you mine,
You share your weakness,
And forgive me mine.
You give me strength,
You make me believe,
And most important of all,
You make me laugh!

These are the reasons why
Every time I see you
Everything is right in my world.

Same old, same old!

6 days into the new year, and I am feeling the same as I ever was. Sad, lonely, disappointed and lost. I have tried everything I know to get over this funk, but nothing seems to work, I have moments of happiness, moments that rely on others to make me forget for awhile. I call 'em my happy pills. But the problem is like any pills they get addictive and when you don't get them the withdrawal is awful, and that makes my funk worse until I get my next fix.

I don't know where this road is taking me, I have been trying so hard to get it on the track I know it should go, but it seems it has a mind of its own and it is dragging me unwillingly along. Oh God, I don't know what else to do, I know you have been sending me help, and I am grateful, but I am getting weaker by the day and I am praying for strength, the strength you have always send my way throughout my journey. I know that things will work out somehow in the end, but right now I am lost and can't see my way out even with all the guides you have send my way. Well I guess what I am trying to say is I am hoping for a way out and that I'll get through this storm like I did all others, that is with my head held high and fighting all the way!