When I was young, I often heard dad saying that if you are ever in a relationship, let the other person loves you more than you love him. It never made sense to me. I guess there's a logic to that, it helps you protect your heart. It will never put you in the position of you needing him more than he ever needs you.But like everything I do in life, I do love wholeheartedly. I can't just say right I love you and that is it. To say I lack love and it made me needy is just ain't true, I have been loved more than I deserve sometimes. Like when bro comes into my life, I have focus almost all my energy in making sure he is alright, that I give him all that he needs. And to his mortification he was all I talk about at work or with friends.
Now I have someone else in my life, well I can't say he is my first boyfriend, but he mights as well be coz the relationship I had before was so superficial, so I can say he is the first person to have the power to break my heart. The way I am going, I don't think I have heeded dad's advice, lol, at times I feel like I am so consume by the thought of him, a constant need to be in contact with him, and carrying around an ache to be with him, which is of course difficult, coz he being so far away. I know he loves me, I don't doubt that, but he seems better at functioning without me, it seems. I paid to play a game, which I swore i'd never do, and it helps me spend time with him however little contact we actually have. At times it seems the game is more important, lol, that he can do without me a few hours, but he can't miss out on his daily quest or be in that interesting raid. I admit it made me cried a few times being ignored or push aside for a game lol, and I guess that is the point of dad's advice, if the other person loves me more than I love him, I wouldn't be so affected,I wouldn't feel hurt. But I do, no matter how many time I try to reason it out, I just need to feel I matter I guess, and it is hard when I get ignored, or promises given, broken. But the thing is when he do spend time with me, even just to tell me what he did in the game, sharing his frustration, testing out his ideas, asking my opinion,I feel so happy, that it made up for all those time he is silently playing his game. I wonder if I'd feel this way if I get to see him every other day instead of only having him on skype chat. I guess that would put this relationship on a different dynamics.
Well I guess that is what I have to learn now, a new kind of compromise and finding balance in myself, learning to control a different kind of emotion and not to let myself drown in my own excessive need. But till then I guess I'll continue to sing this song from Lady Antebellum "Need You Now" and hope he hears it somehow. Coz the lyric really does say what I'm feeling right now.
Lady Antebellum - Need You Now
Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.
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