Phil said something yesterday about people's perception of me and we argued about it with him getting upset by what he thinks of me putting myself down and going on a pity party. I don't think I convinced him, he has a skewed perception and believe in me more than I do myself. But I have heard so many described me as quiet, not very friendly at best and aloof, arrogant and the malay word sombong at worst. Dad usually explain it away as my reluctance to connect with people because I have been hurt too many times by false friendships etc.
Actually I don't really know the whys and hows, all I know is that I don't really know how to approach people I don't know. When I told Phil I have never made friends with people, all the friends I have were initiated by them and they were the ones who decided to stick around me till I am comfortable enough to talk to them. But one thing I can say is once they become my friends they do stick with me for a long time. I don't make friends but I keep them.
Phil said the defences I built that create an impression of a cold arrogant person is good at keeping me safe but it also keeps me from making meaningful connection with people. Well hun I really don't know how to be any different, this came from a long psychological drama of a very difficult emotional experience. To untangle and unravel it I would need help and guidance. Anyway been a long time since I blogged, sorry it's just a long rant.