To Bubble Wrap the Kids or Not?

This morning as I was driving my brother to his driving test, I was listening to Mix.FM's breakfast show, Rod and Sarimah's chosen topic this morning is 'Do Parents Need to Control Their Kids Online Activity?' I was listening in to all the callers and various arguments put forth, it brought to mind how Phil's sister, Kirstie, had an incident happen to her eldest and wishing she could put all her kids in a bubble wrap to protect them from harm. I know the feeling, raising Abang, I have wished time and again that I could push all the hurt away from him and keep him safe from harm. I understood better why my parents were very protective of my sister and I when we were growing up. There is only so much a parent or guardian can do, it is a dangerous world, there is no practical way of protecting children from it, but we can train our children to be better prepared to defend themselves from the danger. I think that is best way to go, because if we want them to grow to their fullest potential, we can't keep them cocooned up, we need to let them be butterflies, just that we need to make sure they will be smart butterflies.

I remember when I was young I really wanted to learn to ride a bike, but dad absolutely refused it. Why you say? Well I was a difficult baby I think, I got into more scrapes than anyone could imagine, by age 7, I had 2 head injuries, an accident which caused me a tip of right pinky, got caught in barb wire, and various other scrapes. So my dad being very protective, thought he could save me from further harm by refusing me bike lessons. It didn't work, I was as stubborn then as I am today, I just cajoled my second cousin to let me practice on his bike. I am sure dad knew I was surreptitiously learning, because I came home with skinned knees and various other injuries from the many falls as I was learning, and I don't actually know till now why he kept quiet. Maybe he finally accepted that there was nothing he can do if I want something bad enough? Well when Abang came along he was on a bike from the day he could walk. I guess I taught dad that it is better to guide and supervise rather than forbid and have it done behind their back.

I guess that is why dad started to teach me how to drive when I was only thirteen. He taught me from 13 right up to when I took my license at age 19, until I finished university at age 23. Ten years to just teach me the defensive part of driving, he still have some small lessons until now when I drive.  But that is just it, there was no way dad could have stopped me from learning to drive, the only control he had was to make sure I become a very competent driver that I know how to handle any situation that would come my way. That is it really, there is no way parents can stop life's danger and risk from encroaching into their children's lives but they can make sure their children are well prepared for it.

So as I send boy to his driving test today, I kept telling him that he will do fine, and in my mind I kept telling myself, dad and I have taught him all we can, and he will be all right when he gets his license. There is no bubble wrap big enough and save enough for me to cocoon that little boy of mine, because he needs to come out as a strong, smart, beautiful butterfly, and we have done as much as possible to make sure he is ready for it. 

And So It Goes

How many times it seems

can promises be broken?

Again and again

my heart breaks and bleeds

feels like it will never heals

I guess this is what happens

when the devil answered my prayers.

Tears don’t seem to have the answer why

and so it bleeds and hurts

as the universe applauded

with their I told you so.

rya

30/10/13

8.13 am

Tell Me You Love Me For A Million Years ...

What do I say,

To a gesture that screams

I love you so much that even

if I bleed I am going to do this

but it would have gouged my heart and then ground it to dust

and never could I go around to collect the pieces to put it back together again.

I know you did it out love,

I know you suffered,

But hun,

don’t you ever hurt me like that again.

I love you to the moon and back as the songs goes,

Tell me you love me for a million years, if it don’t work out, then you can tell me goodbye.

Why should we hurt for all eternity when it is only convention that demands it?

Live and let live, and as we seize the moment, who knows what tomorrow will bring?

I love you.

rya

10/3/13

7:04 am

Meandering Back Down Memory Lane

Abang asked me the other day, how can I be so patient with Adik when she is in her High-high-blue mode? I replied, I have dealt with Mom’s High-high-blue mode since I was born, and Adik has not reached Mom’s PhD level yet. I don’t know ever since I was old enough to be left alone and take care of Mom for short period, dad has trusted me to be able to handle Mom’s peculiarities. Adik being daddy’s pet back then is almost always with dad on location when he is shooting nearby, (if he were outstation, he would drag all of us of course), so I was left with Mummy. On most occasions Mom was healthy and aware, but there were occasions when I was left with Mom when she was not well. I still remember 9 year old me, trying to convince Mom she can’t go out of the house wearing nothing, and then trying to tell her actually Daddy said we are not to go out at all until dad comes home.

All my life, my first purpose was to look after Mom, then everything else. It comes to me like second nature that I don’t even have to shift behavior when Mom is sick, so when it came to Adik, even though she is harder to control because she is so much more stubborn than Mom, I don’t bat an eyelash. Whenever Mom was sick, she always prefer me to be there for her, maybe because she get so use to me being there, or maybe because I have a softer touch than Dad and Adik. It seems true with Adik now too, she prefers how I am with her when she is sick rather than Dad and Abang. I still remember when I went to university; I will call home every day, just to check that Mummy is ok, that all is fine at home. People in my residential college noticed this habit of mine and they were speculating if I have a boyfriend, one brave soul actually asked me directly, who was I calling every day. When I told her my mom, she looked at me incredulously.

When I received my teaching posting to Sarawak, Mummy was warded in the psychiatric ward in Hospital Kuala Lumpur (HKL). She asked for me every day, not wanting anyone else to visit her. I tried telling her I had to go to Sarawak, but she couldn’t understand. When I was getting on the plane, I cried my hardest, because I was leaving my sick Mom and my two year old brother (whom I have raised since he was a baby) behind. The reason I rejected the posting after I arrived in Kuching was the realization that I couldn’t in good conscience just leave these two people I love behind. So when a friend who had the same posting I had, angrily telling me at our graduation that Kapit was a big city, I was taken aback, speechless, but then I realize not a lot of my friends know my family situation. That incident reminds me to never judge without knowing all the facts.

When Mom passed away, one of the texts I sent to a close friend, was a question, who do I take care of now? I really felt a loss; I was so use to looking after Mummy that when she was gone I felt purposeless, that my life had no meaning. But of course soon it was obvious that I still had the rest of the family to take care of, but it was just not the same, not to the same intense degree like it was with Mom. So I guess that is about it today, I don’t know why, but maybe visiting Adik in the same ward Mom was in nowadays, stirred up old memories. 

Down and Out Trying to Fight!

In another few days I will be another year older. As always I am quite depress around this time of the year, but this year I have added stress to make it more depressive. Lord, I have always taken what you give me and I have tried my best to live life in Your grace. But lately, I feel the hits are coming faster and harder, I know You won’t give more than I can take, but I feel like You have finally reached my limit, Lord, I am down on my knees, asking for a cease fire. Help! I can’t take any more.

For days, I have been thinking of writing about me and handling first Mom’s, then Adik’s bouts with mental illness. But as I typed today, I can’t. I can’t make myself go through all those heartbreaking periods of my life. That does not even count on my own dance with that devil. Suffice to say, however much I write or tell people, it will always be my cross to bear, however people sympathize, empathy is hard unless they have gone through similar situations.  Thank you Lord, for Phil and my family, for without them I would be already be drowning.

I don’t know what else to say. I pray for strength, because I am running out, I pray for better days ahead, because I know You won’t let me dwell too long in this misery. And of course I pray for Mom, Al-Fatihah!

Women and Handling Car Problems

This morning as I was driving Adik to work, I heard Sarimah on Mix.FM talking about how her tire exploded and she had to hitch a ride with the security guard to work. Then she was asking Rod how is she going to get it fixed, since she can’t move the car. Rod was telling her that she has to get it towed, or someone from the tire shop can come and take the tire, replace it and put it back. All the time I was hearing this I was seething, I was like change the tire to your spare woman, and then go get a new tire and change it back. Grr.

 Then I heard the reason her tire exploded was because she has no idea how to put the air in to her tires and had ask a friend to do it and he or she has put on too much air pressure that when she went over the bumper and the tire exploded. Hmm maybe both front tires exploded, she wasn't clear on that. But then again, the point I am trying to make is I don’t understand this helplessness of most women when handling basic car maintenance and problems.

Years ago a colleague of mine came to work saying that her engine blew because her husband is away and no one was around to check the water in the radiator. Really? Lord, when I started driving Dad made sure that I knew basic car maintenance, like checking the water, brake fluids, engine oil etc. He wouldn't let me drive on my own until I could change a tire by myself. It was basic logic really; if you want to drive you need to learn not only how to drive but all the other basic stuff of taking care of the car, whether you are a man or a woman.

So whenever I hear a woman saying she has no idea what to do when there is something wrong with her car, I seethe.

Happy Again!

I have been wanting to write for few days now, but time got away from me, always so busy nowadays. Now that I have some time I find that I just don’t have the mood to write. Well I am going to try anyway, but ugh, my spelling is going all over, kept having to correct it. This past few weeks have been playing Star Wars the Old Republic with Phil, I love the feeling of playing something together gain, it is not so much the game but the time we get to be together and the plus thing is we get to skype call to coordinate, and listening to his voice sooth over that missing feeling. Well the other day I didn’t have access to pc but Phil was still in SWOTR so I called him to talk while he craft. So basically wasn’t a conversation more like being together while we both do something, so as normal, a song got stuck in in my head and I only knew the chorus, so I sang it over and over until Phil ask me to stop, said it was annoying. I just laughed. Hun you are going to have to adjust to me annoying you that way always, ask anyone  who knows me, I can’t help myself. You can ask me to stop at that moment and I will try my best to stop, but it will happen again, that is just how I roll (as boy would put it).

Well I have gone back to teaching after so long being away from it. I found that it was like all this while I was missing a huge part of me, the moment I went back it was like I got back my ability to breathe easily again. I still hate going to work, I guess that will always be a part of me, but the moment I start teaching, there is nothing like it, the energy I get from looking at the students faces, interacting with them is so invigorating. Phil is very happy I got back on track and yes I am happy too. Well I hope I will be able to teach more after this semester ends, I miss it, not as much as I miss Phil of course but yeah I don’t feel down all the time now.

Together

He told me that it was easier

if we could have just met and stayed friends,

but we had to fall in love

and put us on this journey

threaded with nails on our hearts

for each day we spend apart.

People talks and says

if he is taking this long

he is not serious.

But they weren’t

the one who saw love in his eyes

when he looks at me.

They weren’t the one who saw

that despair was kept at bay

when we are together.

They weren’t the one who felt

safe in his embrace.

But then again they are not the ones

walking in these shoes of mine

so let them talk

while I patiently waits

for his hand to clasp mine

and finally we can walk this road together.

Lucky

I am really the luckiest girl I know, if luck is counted as the people who care and love me, or if blessings received are taken account of and of opportunities that come my way. Last month I had the opportunity to visit a city I’d never thought I’d get a chance to see, and to top it off I get to go with one of my dearest friend. She made it all possible of course, and went above and beyond to make sure I had the best experience in my life. Thank you kak Limah, you are the best. Traipsing around the back alley of the Grand Bazaar is an experience I’ll never forget, and the cruise on the Marmara Sea in the Bosphorus Strait will be on my mind for a long while, it was beautiful. Then on my last day you made it memorable with the view of people fishing on the bridge. I love Istanbul, the city, the people, the food, the tea, everything made an impression on me. I could see why you always seem happy when you describe your stay in Turkey, it is a remarkable place.

Then I got to spend a month with Phil. It gave me the opportunity to have a lot of heart to heart discussion, we didn't resolve much, situations still remain the same, and I don’t know when we will be able to be together in a permanent way in the same place and time yet, but it helps me resolve that it is what we both want and we have to have faith in God’s plan for us. I don’t know if I had overlook an easier route for us and I know we are not happy with how things are and it begs the question of whether we are really serious about it, and i know dad is worried and not liking it, but what can we do? We can only plan and hope for the best, the rest is up to the Almighty.

So despite of me feeling rotten that I am half a world away from my other half, I realize that in so many ways I am really blessed and lucky and I should hold on to that and hope things will work out to how I want it soon.

Letters to Mummy 10

Dear Mummy,

It has been a while since I have written, hasn’t it? I don’t know why but it has been hard to write. You know I have been talking to you each night as I go to sleep, but I haven’t had the need to write for quite a while. A few weeks ago I was telling Phil how I kept dreaming of you lately, and I told him how the pain is still the same. As always he calms me down, and told me yeah, the pain will never lessen, but as time pass I’ll learn to handle it better. And he wisely told me I can take all the time I want, no one can tell me when, it is up to me.  What makes me write today was that I had a weird dream of you last night. I dreamt of going to the psychiatric ward and getting chided by the doctor for not visiting you more often. The doctor said you have not been improving and they have run out of option to try. As I was talking to you trying to make sense of your hallucinations I was blaming myself for not being there for you that whatever lucidity you use to have is not there anymore. Then I woke up and realize I don’t have to go visit you in the hospital anymore now. It hurts. I suppose it was my conscience making me feel guilty for not going to see you before I go. I don’t know Mum, it just stirred up so many memories.

It brought to mind, when I got my teaching posting to Sarawak. How you were still warded for your latest relapse, how you wanted no one else but me when we visited. It was so hard to say goodbye then, I wasn’t even sure you understood. Then I had to say goodbye to boy, I didn’t think he understood either, but I found out later he not more that understand, he resented my leaving. That was my frame of mind, having to leave two family members that needed me to be there for them, when I received my posting to Kapit. How far it was from the both of you was the only thing that troubled me. The only reason I refused to go to the posting. So when a friend who got the same posting, resentfully said to me at our graduation, that it was a big town, I didn’t have the heart to tell her if she was in my shoes she would have done the same thing. My best friends were telling me that there was no way she’d understand, because not a lot of my friends knew what I have to deal with as a matter of course in my life.

Then the fact you are gone and no longer here starts hitting me hard again. I wish you were here more than anything, because you’d be here to help me sort out so many things. Mummy you don’t know how important your presence is to me and the family, you were our keystone, the linchpin that holds everything together. It is hard Mum, especially now that I am so ready to move on to the nest step of my life but hung in a limbo because of complications and I have no one to talk to, well no one that won’t judge and just listen. You were good at that Mum, listening and looking so loving as you listen. I miss you Mummy.

I guess I have to learn to live without you, and just remember the good times we had and try to move on and hold on to you in my heart where you will always be. Al-Fatihah, Mummy.

Love,

Along