Meandering Back Down Memory Lane

Abang asked me the other day, how can I be so patient with Adik when she is in her High-high-blue mode? I replied, I have dealt with Mom’s High-high-blue mode since I was born, and Adik has not reached Mom’s PhD level yet. I don’t know ever since I was old enough to be left alone and take care of Mom for short period, dad has trusted me to be able to handle Mom’s peculiarities. Adik being daddy’s pet back then is almost always with dad on location when he is shooting nearby, (if he were outstation, he would drag all of us of course), so I was left with Mummy. On most occasions Mom was healthy and aware, but there were occasions when I was left with Mom when she was not well. I still remember 9 year old me, trying to convince Mom she can’t go out of the house wearing nothing, and then trying to tell her actually Daddy said we are not to go out at all until dad comes home.

All my life, my first purpose was to look after Mom, then everything else. It comes to me like second nature that I don’t even have to shift behavior when Mom is sick, so when it came to Adik, even though she is harder to control because she is so much more stubborn than Mom, I don’t bat an eyelash. Whenever Mom was sick, she always prefer me to be there for her, maybe because she get so use to me being there, or maybe because I have a softer touch than Dad and Adik. It seems true with Adik now too, she prefers how I am with her when she is sick rather than Dad and Abang. I still remember when I went to university; I will call home every day, just to check that Mummy is ok, that all is fine at home. People in my residential college noticed this habit of mine and they were speculating if I have a boyfriend, one brave soul actually asked me directly, who was I calling every day. When I told her my mom, she looked at me incredulously.

When I received my teaching posting to Sarawak, Mummy was warded in the psychiatric ward in Hospital Kuala Lumpur (HKL). She asked for me every day, not wanting anyone else to visit her. I tried telling her I had to go to Sarawak, but she couldn’t understand. When I was getting on the plane, I cried my hardest, because I was leaving my sick Mom and my two year old brother (whom I have raised since he was a baby) behind. The reason I rejected the posting after I arrived in Kuching was the realization that I couldn’t in good conscience just leave these two people I love behind. So when a friend who had the same posting I had, angrily telling me at our graduation that Kapit was a big city, I was taken aback, speechless, but then I realize not a lot of my friends know my family situation. That incident reminds me to never judge without knowing all the facts.

When Mom passed away, one of the texts I sent to a close friend, was a question, who do I take care of now? I really felt a loss; I was so use to looking after Mummy that when she was gone I felt purposeless, that my life had no meaning. But of course soon it was obvious that I still had the rest of the family to take care of, but it was just not the same, not to the same intense degree like it was with Mom. So I guess that is about it today, I don’t know why, but maybe visiting Adik in the same ward Mom was in nowadays, stirred up old memories. 

Down and Out Trying to Fight!

In another few days I will be another year older. As always I am quite depress around this time of the year, but this year I have added stress to make it more depressive. Lord, I have always taken what you give me and I have tried my best to live life in Your grace. But lately, I feel the hits are coming faster and harder, I know You won’t give more than I can take, but I feel like You have finally reached my limit, Lord, I am down on my knees, asking for a cease fire. Help! I can’t take any more.

For days, I have been thinking of writing about me and handling first Mom’s, then Adik’s bouts with mental illness. But as I typed today, I can’t. I can’t make myself go through all those heartbreaking periods of my life. That does not even count on my own dance with that devil. Suffice to say, however much I write or tell people, it will always be my cross to bear, however people sympathize, empathy is hard unless they have gone through similar situations.  Thank you Lord, for Phil and my family, for without them I would be already be drowning.

I don’t know what else to say. I pray for strength, because I am running out, I pray for better days ahead, because I know You won’t let me dwell too long in this misery. And of course I pray for Mom, Al-Fatihah!