Sad September

September is here again, and since the year that marks my sweet sixteen I have always dreaded this month, the month I was born in. Exactly why I don’t know, but it was soon after my 15th birthday I suffered my first depression, a month or so before my Sijil Rendah Pelajaran (SRP) examination. Actually the years of my late teens up to early twenties are quite vague in my mind, too many bad memories, questionable actions, horrible mistakes etc that I have filed hastily away and covered with layers and layers of ‘distractions’.

Why then do I try to unpack these better left forgotten memories now? I don’t know. Maybe it’s facing yet another birthday and it makes me maudlin, or maybe I feel I am back to square one, back in that moment when I was so confuse and angry at the unstable state of my mind. It could be also that I am now stuck in limbo of not knowing which route to chose and have no clear idea where each routes going to take me and that means major changes, and changes is just not something I deal very well with. Anyone who knows me knows I am seriously anal about my habits, I have been doing things the same way for so long, I have kept wearing the same type of shoes for years, buying the same model and color year after year (if they last that long that is), it is not that I don’t change or evolve but every change is painful and takes me a long time to accept and adapt. So I guess in this limbo of indecision, maybe it is a good idea to trace back my route so far and maybe then the yellow brick road will reveal itself.

But then again what good would it do, rehashing stuff that is well left behind, I have dealt with it, learnt from it and grown, I still have a lot of growing to do, but these old memories might not be the best tool for it. I don’t know. I really wish sometimes I could look into the future and see clearly what is best to be done and what is best not done, but we’ve seen how well it turns out in the stories of people knowing their future. So I guess I just have to live one day at a time and deal with my confusion as I have always done it, taking one hesitant step after another with my love ones by my side.

Here’s to hoping this birthday depression will run its course quick and prove to me yet again that however depress I get my loved ones – friends and family included – will give me a memorable birthday. Here’s to my 34th, yeah. (If you could only hear the sarcastic tone, there, lol)


*A photo of me on the first day of my life.*