Friendship

Friendship is a funny thing with me. All my life I have never made a friend. What do I mean, surely being the ripe old age of 33, i have friends right? Well what I am trying to say is I have never initiated anything, every one of my friends had to make the first move, I am so shy, that even saying hello to is quite a burden to me, and my dad made it difficult by moving so many times when I was young, imagine all the time I sit back timidly looking at all this new people tongue-tied and afraid. But somehow or other there will be that friendly kid who will come up and introduce herself and then introduce me to all her friends and before I can blink i be come a part of a groups and I have friends. I would like to say I outgrew this but this scenario continued up till I was working, even in my online game, people had to approach me first before I become comfortable enough to open up.

But the thing is once I made a friend, it is for life, I am fiercely loyal to them and tries to keep up my friendship as best I can. The only thing is it is very hard for me to have close friends, I keep a lot of things to myself, behind shields, so I guess that does not bode well for a closer friendship. So suffice to say I have many friends but very few close friends or bffs as the saying goes. So it amazed me that the friendship I made through an online game, has turned out to be the strongest and closest I have ever experienced in my life. I have never met this person, but I could understand how he feels as easily as he does me, we know each other so well, it is almost we could read each others mind. I don't know, maybe the medium of our communication, which kind of give a superficial immunity that made me so comfortable in opening up. The things I have told him, I would never in a million years share with friends I have known since young, but it is so easy to tell him stuff that I usually bottled up inside. I guess it is a blessing in a way, because at this point in my life I have no one in my life apart from family I could share certain things with, and lately given the kind of emotional state my sister is in, I have not dared share a lot of things with her, and it is never good to bottle up certain emotions. I have used blogs as a place to purge before, but it is not as satisfying as having someone who knows u listen and then giving their feedback. So I should say it is about time I found a good friend who can do that for me.

But now, I have noticed a certain kind of dependency, of constantly needing him to be around, and I don't think that is a fair demand on anyone. So I am trying so hard not to depend on him when I need to hash out certain things, but it is difficult, because just having him say hi and asking how are you make it all seem so much better. So I guess I need to learn to be more independent like I use to be and not let my needs ruin a really good friendship.