If my previous post was any indication, it is clear I am not feeling that good. Dark thoughts has been on my mind the whole day. I have tried and tried so hard to fight this, but honestly, I think each day, I am losing the battle and soon the war.
I just can't seem to see myself out of this darkness, and the two things that is holding me back are losing their grip on me. Listening to "If Tomorrow Never Comes" does not evoke that feeling of needing to be here for my love ones anymore, instead I am thinking if tomorrow never comes there would be bliss. I don't have to fight anymore, because I am so tired of the fight. My whole life has been about the fight, and I just can't find the strength to go on anymore.
Daily now, it has been a battle of not letting the ever present tears flow. I seem to be doing a good job of hiding it I guess, cause no one has noticed. Adik sees me sad sometimes, but each time it coincide with the time I couldn't talk to him. so she teases me instead. Oh God, if she only knew that I have lost the ability to be happy and that sadness has turn into despair and that I am thinking thoughts I have never thought of before, she'd be worried instead. But I hope these are just thoughts, cause I hope I find the strength somewhere to hold on. These storms will pass, they have to, it just seems right now it will never end. I just need to get through each day, and I know God will help me, somehow I will find my way back into the sunshine. But right now the darkness is a little too much to bear and the light seems too far away.
A friend told me what he fears most is that when God ask what his contributions was in his lifetime, that he wouldn't know how to answer that, made me think to myself, "What have I done in this life that made a different?" Have I touched anyone's life, did my existence means something? If tomorrow I decide to end it all, would my life has been a waste? Did I leave a ripple? Or would I just fade into oblivion and no traces of me anywhere? I don't know how this make me feel, actually. it should make me want for more time to at least leave a mark, but at this point, I don't really care, fading out sounds blissful. And that is what worried me the most, I have never come to this point before, not in my deepest despair, have I ever lost hope like this, so have I turn the point of no return? Lord, I hope not. But it is just too much to bear now, and I feel so alone, even surrounded by people who loves me and whom I know will be there for me even at the gates of hell, I still feel so alone!
So there, my deepest darkest fear is that in the end I won't be strong enough to face that final battle!
No comments:
Post a Comment