Speechless

In previous post, I said I can’t write because the words wouldn’t come out. Now I have so many words that wanted to come out, but the words are so bitter and angry that I don’t think I should write it out. It will be taken wrongly by so many and hurt some people that I do not intend to hurt. I don’t know why nothing comes easy in my life; dealing with losing mom is hard enough but as always life will always throws a curve that makes it harder. But I am afraid of the repercussion of bottling all this emotion up, I had to control the flow of my tears, so the siblings could lean on my strength and dad would have one less thing to worry about, I was so good at bottling that up till I scared the nurses who had never seen someone so calm awaiting family to come, till the relatives were whispering it is ok to cry, I know that, but what they don’t understand I can only cry when I am alone, because when Adik and Abang see me cry they would cry of course but the worse thing is they lose their shoulder to cry on because they assumed my shoulder is already burdened with my own insurmountable pain.

But my tears are not really bottled up, just controlled, so I should be all right, I am grieving properly. But this anger and bitterness have no outlet I could direct it to. To be clear my anger and bitterness is not about losing mom, I am at peace with that. She was in so much pain towards the end, the non-stop bleeding in her mouth that I had to suction out, made me whisper to mom to let go if she can’t take it anymore, and I begged God to take her if it is her time. So I am sad but I am glad mom is at peace. I can’t even tell why I am angry, it is too ugly to be exposed and how do I deal with that? I have learnt from experience how dangerous my bottled up emotions could be, I don’t want another major breakdown, I can’t afford it, I have Dad, Adik and Abang to look after, who are all vulnerable emotionally right now, so won’t be able to handle it if I get sick.

All I want to ask is why? Don’t they think we are already in enough pain? Or is the rewards gain from visiting the sick and attending the funeral enough to cover this minor sin of hurting the family of the decease feelings? I don’t know, but I guess my heart already broke when mom passed away, so this couldn’t make it worse could it? You can’t hurt an already broken heart, I guess.