I am tired of writing about how dark I am feeling nowadays, so as a way to cheer me up I was listening to Lady Antebellum’s Just a Kiss, it reminded me how I felt when Phil came for his first visit. We were both unsure and scared to ruin a real good friendship but the feelings were really strong. As for me, that 2 lines in the chorus, “Just a shot in the dark that you just might/ be the one I’ve been waiting for my whole life,” really described how I was feeling at that time, and explained how despondent I felt when he was real quiet and wasn’t online on Valentine’s day, and like the guy in Vanessa William’s Save the Best for Last, he came on the 15 and ask me if I felt as strongly as he did and if we want to take it further.
The truth is throughout my friendship with Phil, songs played an important part in expressing how I feel, when I was still refusing to believe what I felt for Phil was more than that of a friend, I was singing a lot of Taylor Swift’s You Belong with Me, especially after Phil confess he was having a crush on an acquaintance of ours online (well this was way before he came to visit me, I think I have just known him for about 3 or 4 months about then). But believe you me, whenever I was singing that song I was imagining I was singing it to Phil. Yes adik, I knew how I felt about him then, but I can’t admit it to the world, I still have that much pride, even with you, until I know the feeling was reciprocated I can’t shout it to the world, can’t I?
I have written before how from time to time Phil would link me to songs he is listening to that reminded him of me or of our relationship, so I am not alone in using songs either to express how I feel or to soothe the hurt of being apart. Lately I have been singing Owl City’s Vanilla Twilight, although I know the song is singing about a departed lover, but most of the lyrics echoes how I feel so perfectly. At night when I can’t sleep missing Phil, I’ll sing the first verse as I cry myself to sleep.
The stars lean down to kiss you,
And I lie awake I miss you,
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere,
‘Cause I’ll doze of safe and soundly,
But I’ll miss your arms around me,
I’d send a postcard to you dear,
‘Cause I wish you were here.
(Adam Young, Vanilla Twilight)
Well I guess I am lucky that so many songs seems to apply to so many phases of my life, it helps when I myself ran out of ways and words to describe or express how I feel. So before I start wallowing again I’ll go hear Auburn’s All about Him. (Lol, Phil hates this song, sorry hun I think it’s cute).
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Depress???...
For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel like I want to read. It is funny really, I have just bought a lot of books at a recent book warehouse sale, and I am not reading. Sis says I must be real depressed, because only depression makes a person not feel like doing what she likes to do. I don’t know whether I am or not, I don’t feel that really sad feeling when I am depress, but I have been sad so long I might feel it is normal after all to feel the way I feel. I admit I am tired, dad has been dragging us around travelling, because he can’t stand being at home when boy is not around (he’s most probably having the time of his life in Taman Negara), so not being home and always driving is making me tired and therefore more susceptible to feeling down. It also means I have been missing a few chats with Phil, I am never happy then.
I don’t know, I guess I will just have to hang on until this phase past and I can get back doing what I like, and who knows maybe tomorrow I get to have a long chat with Phil like we had a few days ago, that always make me feel happy for a few days. Until then I’ll just sing Vanilla Twilight and make me miss Phil all the more, I do so like to make myself miserable. :)
I don’t know, I guess I will just have to hang on until this phase past and I can get back doing what I like, and who knows maybe tomorrow I get to have a long chat with Phil like we had a few days ago, that always make me feel happy for a few days. Until then I’ll just sing Vanilla Twilight and make me miss Phil all the more, I do so like to make myself miserable. :)
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
There are Days...
There are days
I don’t remember how to smile,
I don’t know what the sun feels like,
and I wonder why my heart still beats.
There are days,
I think it’ll be dark forever,
and that the slow twisting knife in heart
will never stop bleeding me dry.
There are days,
the pain constantly makes me
want to end it all
so that the silent do not deafen.
Days like that
are when I think of You most
and remember only You
will be my savior
and Your blessing comes in
various, mysterious ways.
I don’t remember how to smile,
I don’t know what the sun feels like,
and I wonder why my heart still beats.
There are days,
I think it’ll be dark forever,
and that the slow twisting knife in heart
will never stop bleeding me dry.
There are days,
the pain constantly makes me
want to end it all
so that the silent do not deafen.
Days like that
are when I think of You most
and remember only You
will be my savior
and Your blessing comes in
various, mysterious ways.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Rambling On
Well I don’t know what to write actually, have no clear purpose really, but so many things running through my mind that somehow I find myself opening up words. My mood is on a roller coaster ride lately, but somehow this roller coaster is designed to ride on really negative emotions, I have been going up and down on sad and angry tracks. I spend the whole day yesterday crying, one of the reasons is because it is that time of the month, that just leave my mood unstable, another reason is missing Phil and Mom, and as the days go by any little reason seems to feed the tears as well. Actually I have been sad so long; I don’t really recall how it feels to be happy yesterday. I told Phil about it and as usual he gave me a simple answer, but somehow it made me feel better. Let me quote verbatim, it’s better that way.
[3:14:30 PM] Phil McQuinn: Ya the trick I find is not dwelling on sad stuff. I can get really down but then I think about you instead. I don’t think that thinking about problems helps if you can’t solve them they just upset you and make you feel helpless, better to just go do something you can do.
So I guess that is why I am typing now, to just do something I can do. I wish I could write stories, but I seem to be like Mom, I like writing about stuff that happens to me, I get stuck when I try to invent stories. I am good at poetry but Phil summed it up it nicely, poems are good for awards not for financial health. I am still thinking about that story idea I had, and from time to time have ideas on how to expand it, but for now it remains as ideas, I can’t seem to put it down on paper, or more accurately type it out on screen. Well maybe one of these days I will.
On a different note, all my friends know I love to sing and I always have a book full of lyrics around me always, I used to print out lyrics that I like to sing and keep them in folders. The problem is it is too bulky to carry around. I know I need to have something small and easy to carry and slip in my handbag, it occurred to me on my road trip to Wales when I needed to sing to accompany the beautiful scenery and can’t recall a lot of songs, showing my age of course, I used to remember 20 songs at least. So I bought this small notebook and been trying to copy down lyrics in. What I found out is that, my fingers are so used to typing that writing now is agonizing, so my project is going slowly, one lyric a day is all I can manage.
Well I guess that is all for now, enough rambling for one day. Hope I’ll write in a better mood next time. Happiness to all.
[3:14:30 PM] Phil McQuinn: Ya the trick I find is not dwelling on sad stuff. I can get really down but then I think about you instead. I don’t think that thinking about problems helps if you can’t solve them they just upset you and make you feel helpless, better to just go do something you can do.
So I guess that is why I am typing now, to just do something I can do. I wish I could write stories, but I seem to be like Mom, I like writing about stuff that happens to me, I get stuck when I try to invent stories. I am good at poetry but Phil summed it up it nicely, poems are good for awards not for financial health. I am still thinking about that story idea I had, and from time to time have ideas on how to expand it, but for now it remains as ideas, I can’t seem to put it down on paper, or more accurately type it out on screen. Well maybe one of these days I will.
On a different note, all my friends know I love to sing and I always have a book full of lyrics around me always, I used to print out lyrics that I like to sing and keep them in folders. The problem is it is too bulky to carry around. I know I need to have something small and easy to carry and slip in my handbag, it occurred to me on my road trip to Wales when I needed to sing to accompany the beautiful scenery and can’t recall a lot of songs, showing my age of course, I used to remember 20 songs at least. So I bought this small notebook and been trying to copy down lyrics in. What I found out is that, my fingers are so used to typing that writing now is agonizing, so my project is going slowly, one lyric a day is all I can manage.
Well I guess that is all for now, enough rambling for one day. Hope I’ll write in a better mood next time. Happiness to all.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
When Words Fail
Words failed me again
I tried to write how I felt
but nothing seems to fit
how could I describe
a pain so exquisite
that no simile could compare
how could I explain
a loss so huge
no hyperbole could fully express it
I tried and I tried
with every poems and stories
but nothing really could ease the fact
that I do not have you here with me.
I miss you!
rya
6/10/11
11:45 a.m.
I tried to write how I felt
but nothing seems to fit
how could I describe
a pain so exquisite
that no simile could compare
how could I explain
a loss so huge
no hyperbole could fully express it
I tried and I tried
with every poems and stories
but nothing really could ease the fact
that I do not have you here with me.
I miss you!
rya
6/10/11
11:45 a.m.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Pretty is as Pretty does
I texted Phil one day that he makes me feels beautiful when he looks at me. A couple of days later, he asked me in Skype, does that mean I feel I am not beautiful? So I said, yeah, there are days I don’t feel beautiful, I’d feel fat or something about my skin, my teeth etc would make me feel less than perfect.
My honey being what he is was like, to be honest you are a bit fat by European standard, and he went on and on telling me why, but of course he was quick to tell me this is him being an objective observer and not my boyfriend who loves me as I am and will always love me (girls, aww).
Well so I went on to tell him of course I am aware that I have a bit more to love, but I don’t think I was explaining it very well to him, but the way he looks at me makes me feel all my flaws does not matter, because he when he looks at me he sees me whole physically and spiritually and it is clear in his gaze he finds me as a person, beautiful, and he tells it very clearly that he loves that person he sees wholly and honestly.
When I tried telling him that, he just said, ahh so it is not just a body thing then. Well he went on to discuss self esteem stuff after that, but what strikes me is it surprises him that I would doubt that I am pretty because to him it is a fact just that it is fact he is tall. I really don’t know where to go from there, I am grateful that he sees me that way, but I know for a fact love has a way of skewering our vision, but I am assured by the fact that he loves me for the person and not the body, because I know there are a lot of more girls out there who has beautiful bodies, but not a lot of girls who sees the world as I do of which incidentally is how he perceive his world and so we could say it is a perfect match of world view. :)
My honey being what he is was like, to be honest you are a bit fat by European standard, and he went on and on telling me why, but of course he was quick to tell me this is him being an objective observer and not my boyfriend who loves me as I am and will always love me (girls, aww).
Well so I went on to tell him of course I am aware that I have a bit more to love, but I don’t think I was explaining it very well to him, but the way he looks at me makes me feel all my flaws does not matter, because he when he looks at me he sees me whole physically and spiritually and it is clear in his gaze he finds me as a person, beautiful, and he tells it very clearly that he loves that person he sees wholly and honestly.
When I tried telling him that, he just said, ahh so it is not just a body thing then. Well he went on to discuss self esteem stuff after that, but what strikes me is it surprises him that I would doubt that I am pretty because to him it is a fact just that it is fact he is tall. I really don’t know where to go from there, I am grateful that he sees me that way, but I know for a fact love has a way of skewering our vision, but I am assured by the fact that he loves me for the person and not the body, because I know there are a lot of more girls out there who has beautiful bodies, but not a lot of girls who sees the world as I do of which incidentally is how he perceive his world and so we could say it is a perfect match of world view. :)
Friday, September 16, 2011
35th Birthday
Almost a week has passed since my birthday, and as usual when I am really depressed, I can’t write. I had an excellent birthday, really – nice cake, lots of books for presents, even had birthday money and my facebook wall was flooded with well wishes. But as usual however nice people around me try to make me enjoy my birthday, there is this core of me that is never happy I am year older. I figured it out years ago; a birthday is just another marker of another year gone by at me failing to achieve my life goals. It is no celebration, it is a deadline I fail to meet and each year I get more desperate as I failed yet again. Well enough about that, if I keep on about it I’ll fall back into doldrums which I don’t like to wallow in too long.
On my birthday, we went back to Kampung Awah to finish ordering Mum’s kalang (grave base), I wished we had time to visit Mum’s grave, but we were pressed for time, but even without going to her grave I was already crying as I was driving there and back. But I was real happy we get to finalize that on my birthday.
A friend in her birthday wish teases me what Phil gave me for my birthday. So I told that to Phil and to my amusement he said :[9/7/2011 2:10:53 PM] Phil McQuinn: well bit hard hun seeing as we dont play games together any more[9/7/2011 2:11:05 PM] Phil McQuinn: we should try and fix thatIt seems Phil is going to stick to his tradition of gifting me in game gifts and since we don’t really play together anymore he ran out of idea. So because I know he loves buying me stuff when I am with him for no reason but that he likes doing it, I won’t ever be without material stuff, so I ask him for a birthday gift that would be special and something I could cherish and share forever, I ask him to write me a story. He let me read one story he wrote a long time ago, it was short but it was really good, that I have been begging him to go back writing stories down, of course he is too busy.
So with him having no idea what to give me for my birthday, I requested a story and he said ok. A few days later he told me he has the story down but the ending and will polish it in the weekend. I was so thrilled and impatient to read of course, but during the weekend he admitted to some teething problem in writing the story. So I asked him what the problem was. It turned out he was trying to write it in Malay, how sweet, I thought, but I know how difficult it is to translate English to Malay even when you have good grasp of both language, so I can Imagine the trouble he is having. So I told him he could give me both version and he went straight ahead to work on that and I am still waiting. He did warn me I might get it closer to my 36 birthday, oh surely not, I can barely contain myself even now. :)
Friday, August 26, 2011
When September Comes
My birthday month is coming around again, not something I enjoy, not when last year proof to be one of the worse I have ever had, it was the month that Mummy fell, it was the month where I was looking after Mummy, and at times so frustrated, I wish it was over soon, and to my horror it ended definitively with Mum passing away. I am not looking forward to turning 35 this year. I know I shouldn’t be this way. I have so many things to be grateful for, but my glass is always half empty when September comes. No matter how I try, I can never think happy thoughts. I have always felt I was alone in this until I met Phil, he hates his birthdays too, and he is the first one who ever understood why I might be so miserable on my birthday.
For a moment this year I thought I might be happy on my birthday, thought I could be with him this year by the time I turn 35, but it is not meant to be. Funny though, I have managed to have Phil here to celebrate two of his birthdays, but never manage it for mine, and sometimes I wonder if he’d even remember. I remember the first year we knew each other, I was so desperately wanting for him to wish me happy birthday that I blurt out after about an hour of chatting, “Aren’t you ever going to say it?” Which got me a startled, “Say what?” So I just said, “Happy birthday of course, it is my birthday today.” He was sweet of course after wishing me, he got one of his friend to swear as power 20 lady to my Knighthood account, and I think that was his only birthday present so far, I can’t recall what he did for my birthday last year, but understandably so, last year was a terrible time for me, I can’t recall much of anything else.
This year I am just hoping I’ll get through it without much tears. I don’t think that would be very achievable, because I am already crying now, thinking about it, thinking just how last year Mum was celebrating it with me in pain, that I would have never imagined that was my last birthday with her. I miss you so much Mum. How am I going to get through this month without you? I never knew anyone could live and be this sad for so long. Phil mentioned today, that all my SMS to him has been really sad, and I can’t deny it. I live in perpetual sadness now, from missing Mum and him every day. I do try to be happy in all the little moments that I can, like finding joy in being with the family, smiling at cute happy song, or learning to braid my hair in different styles, little things like that. But it seems like I am enfolded in a thick cloud of sadness that will only be penetrated by the shine of joy now and again. Well I am grateful for that I suppose and try to find happiness more often until I really could be happy again always.
For a moment this year I thought I might be happy on my birthday, thought I could be with him this year by the time I turn 35, but it is not meant to be. Funny though, I have managed to have Phil here to celebrate two of his birthdays, but never manage it for mine, and sometimes I wonder if he’d even remember. I remember the first year we knew each other, I was so desperately wanting for him to wish me happy birthday that I blurt out after about an hour of chatting, “Aren’t you ever going to say it?” Which got me a startled, “Say what?” So I just said, “Happy birthday of course, it is my birthday today.” He was sweet of course after wishing me, he got one of his friend to swear as power 20 lady to my Knighthood account, and I think that was his only birthday present so far, I can’t recall what he did for my birthday last year, but understandably so, last year was a terrible time for me, I can’t recall much of anything else.
This year I am just hoping I’ll get through it without much tears. I don’t think that would be very achievable, because I am already crying now, thinking about it, thinking just how last year Mum was celebrating it with me in pain, that I would have never imagined that was my last birthday with her. I miss you so much Mum. How am I going to get through this month without you? I never knew anyone could live and be this sad for so long. Phil mentioned today, that all my SMS to him has been really sad, and I can’t deny it. I live in perpetual sadness now, from missing Mum and him every day. I do try to be happy in all the little moments that I can, like finding joy in being with the family, smiling at cute happy song, or learning to braid my hair in different styles, little things like that. But it seems like I am enfolded in a thick cloud of sadness that will only be penetrated by the shine of joy now and again. Well I am grateful for that I suppose and try to find happiness more often until I really could be happy again always.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Happy Birthday Abang Yasleh Khaliff Amri
Happy birthday, Boy! I can’t believe you are sixteen already. It feels like yesterday that I was holding you in my arms at 3 a.m. begging you to sleep. I think that started the ritual of singing to you as loud as I can until I go hoarse or you got back to sleep. It was funny that neither you crying nor my singing would wake up Mummy, Daddy, or Adik. They would continue to sleep knowing I’d take care of you. Well I did and loved every second of it, even though those 3 a.m. walkabout would made me sleepy in class the next day. Those were crazy times, after so long of asking and praying for another sibling, a baby I could play with, well I know you are not a doll, but I was barely sixteen when I started asking, so to me babies were like live dolls to be played with. I guessed that is why God waited until I was 19 to answer my prayer. Mummy had quite a relapse that year, so I took over right from the start, with Adik as my back up when I had to go to class, she was in form four, her honeymoon year, so we figured a few miss days wouldn’t matter much, to the consternation of her teachers of course.
So there I was taking the first bus out to KL , so I could take the earliest bus to UPM Serdang, meaning I had to wake up at 5 a.m. and then as soon as my classes are over rushing back home to you. I basically had no idea how to deal with a baby then, I learned firsthand from you and whatever little dad knows, and a few lucid moments from Mum. I made a lot of mistakes, I knew that now, but I guess I didn’t screw up too bad, you turned out to be quite a good young man, maybe more you than me, but I am really proud of you.
You have a long way yet to go, and I know you despair sometimes what the future might bring for you, but I believe in you and I know you will find your way somehow. I know you are sad to be celebrating this birthday without Mum, I am sad too, I wish you had more years with her, but the wheel turns when it wants to turn and we have no say in that. Please know that I know Mum loved you very much and she would be very proud of you. Happy 16 birthday, Abang, the family and I love you very much, no matter what.
So there I was taking the first bus out to KL , so I could take the earliest bus to UPM Serdang, meaning I had to wake up at 5 a.m. and then as soon as my classes are over rushing back home to you. I basically had no idea how to deal with a baby then, I learned firsthand from you and whatever little dad knows, and a few lucid moments from Mum. I made a lot of mistakes, I knew that now, but I guess I didn’t screw up too bad, you turned out to be quite a good young man, maybe more you than me, but I am really proud of you.
You have a long way yet to go, and I know you despair sometimes what the future might bring for you, but I believe in you and I know you will find your way somehow. I know you are sad to be celebrating this birthday without Mum, I am sad too, I wish you had more years with her, but the wheel turns when it wants to turn and we have no say in that. Please know that I know Mum loved you very much and she would be very proud of you. Happy 16 birthday, Abang, the family and I love you very much, no matter what.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Day in Day out
With every beat of my heart
I am calling your name
With every breath I take
I am crying for you
As each seconds ticked by
My thoughts are on you and only you
I live for moments we are together
But as each new dawn appears
Too many miles still separate us
And as each day comes to a close
I know no end of this separation
Tears are my constant companion
And pain a loyal friend
Will it ever end?
Rya
6.02 a.m
15/8/11
I am calling your name
With every breath I take
I am crying for you
As each seconds ticked by
My thoughts are on you and only you
I live for moments we are together
But as each new dawn appears
Too many miles still separate us
And as each day comes to a close
I know no end of this separation
Tears are my constant companion
And pain a loyal friend
Will it ever end?
Rya
6.02 a.m
15/8/11
Friday, August 12, 2011
The Trip
I am going to try to recall my journey to UK last June. I don’t know how accurate this will be, my memory is not the best, I tend to forget a lot the longer things happen, unlike people I know that can tell a story years after it happen. Well here goes.
The trip has been planned for quite a while, Phil really wanted me to come and meet his family, his mother in particular. So I said ok, get me a plane ticket and I’ll come during boy’s 2 weeks holiday. I wish I could have bought my own ticket so Phil didn’t have to work so hard, but the fact of the matter is GBP900 is easier to achieve than RM4500. Even then I know it was quite a while before Phil figured how to manage that. Well then once he kind of figured how to get the money, he had to figure out how to book the ticket, Phil is at a disadvantage when it comes to online form (I booked his first ticket to here, his sister did the second one, and his friend did the third, lol), he is so smart that it is so cute that online forms defeat him. But one lucky thing is Phil is always surrounded by people who love him enough to help him, so his friend again volunteered to help. What they found out was in this time of a lot of online scamming, airlines won’t accept an online payment of another person’s credit card for another person’s ticket. So that was a hurdle that took them a month to figure out, which sees the ticket price rises from GBP800 + to GBP900+. I don’t know what they did finally, I think they used a travel agency in the end, but they got me the tickets.
The day Phil told me it was settled I was so happy, but the wait for the online tickets was quite long, about two weeks I think, which set me worrying again. Once Walt emailed me the online ticket confirmation, I was like really relieved. Of course then I was a bundle of nerves of waiting for the day to come, planning what to pack, and worrying about the trip in general. I have never travelled anywhere alone. The last time I went oversea, I was 19 and had an aunt, a family friend and sis accompanying me. Even travelling in Malaysia, I think there was only two times I went alone for a holiday, once to Genting, and another one was to a hotel in Chow Kit for a brief three days break from routine. So safe to say I was worrying like hell about travelling out of the country alone.
I had to pack and repack so many times, I don’t know how I manage to actually bring anything lol. Next time I am so going to buy a scale so that Dad won’t make me take my third pair of jeans out, I really miss having a third pair of jeans, lol. The funny thing was with the limit being 23kg, my bag only weighed 16kg when we checked in, and I was like that jeans did not need to come out, lol. I went early to checked in so that I could ask for aisle seating because I know I am going to need the toilet a lot, but the flight was full and I got a window seat (which would have thrilled me when I was a child, lol), but he said I’ll be near the toilet and that was the best he could do. As usual, dad who doesn’t like goodbyes, told me to go in even though it was quite early yet, so I did after hugging them all half to death that is. The passport check was a breeze, slot in passport and hope to hell the thumbprint scanner can read my thumbprint (I always have problems with thumbprint scanner, lol) but this time it was kind, it decided my thumb was human and detectable, lol. So there I went onto the train to bring me to my gate and I went straight and waited for my gate to open, I waited nearly an hour I think, that was how early I was. But I had like four books in my handbag, so I was not bored, antsy I was, bored I was not.
Finally the gate opened and I went to wait inside the waiting hall for another half an hour, and finally the boarding call and I went on the plane. Found my seat, got comfortable and watched how my seatmate was trying to get a different seat because he requested to be near an exit or something. So after a bit I got a new seatmate, a 40 something Middle Eastern gentleman. I was careful not to smile, lol, (read my first post in this blog) I didn’t want anything to happen during that long flight lol. So when the plane took off I was like, finally, all the worries and anticipation of the past months left me. My seatmate don’t like to sit so I had no problem going to and forth the toilet. But he sure likes to drink, I think he ran the stewardesses haggard with his drink order, lol. Halfway through the flight, he was really tipsy and happy and started being very friendly. He told me he was an Iranian businessman who has been living in Malaysia for the past 2 years. He asked me where I am going and stuff, but he was really funny. He told me as he indicate to his 5th wine bottle, in Iran I am Muslim, I don’t drink, everywhere else I’m Christian, I drink. I was like he must play WoW lol, he is dual-spec. Well I don’t judge, people live as they want to live so I smiled (by that time I told him enough about Phil, I was not worried of my smile, lol). Then he proceeded to tell me about all the girl-friends that he has in every country he does business in and of course the two wives he left back in Iran. So safe to say I was not bored as the plane flies to Doha.
But in Doha was another matter, I landed around 11.45 pm and my flight out to Manchester is at 7.45 am the next morning. I had to kill 8 hours in that terminal, eating can only take so much time, lol. There was a quiet room provided for traveler in the terminal with lazy chairs and a darkened room in which you can rest, but it is always full, so I end up napping on the chair in front of my gates, it wasn’t very comfortable but I was real tired that I did manage about an hour nap I think. I didn’t want to be tempted with all the duty free shop so I didn’t window shop, I used the free internet service to logged in facebook and spend 15 minutes identifying friend’s tagged pictures for security purposes ( please I beg u fbers, tagged ur friend’s face, it is hard to identify which friend, lol when they are tagged to a picture of a handbag). Finally after going round the terminal a dozen times, lol I am very bad at waiting, and I found out when I am tired I don’t read really well, my gate opened, so I was among the first to go through. After waiting for a bit, the bus came to take us to the plane. I hardly recall the trip, I was that excited, and I have described how I felt when the plane first went through the thick cloud and I saw England or more accurately Manchester for the first time in my post before. Oh yeah one thing I have forgotten to mention, the food. I had an interesting food experience. Walter was worried about my food, he knows I have certain restrictions, so I told him if Halal is not available then he can put in for a kosher meal, that is the closest I think, but what Walter didn’t figure was Qatar already serve food that is prepared in the Islamic principle, so he put me in for kosher meals, so I was served kosher meal which came in sealed boxes I have to open and asked to be heated, lol.
So I guess that is it for now. Maybe I’ll write about my actual visit sometime when I am inspired. :)
The trip has been planned for quite a while, Phil really wanted me to come and meet his family, his mother in particular. So I said ok, get me a plane ticket and I’ll come during boy’s 2 weeks holiday. I wish I could have bought my own ticket so Phil didn’t have to work so hard, but the fact of the matter is GBP900 is easier to achieve than RM4500. Even then I know it was quite a while before Phil figured how to manage that. Well then once he kind of figured how to get the money, he had to figure out how to book the ticket, Phil is at a disadvantage when it comes to online form (I booked his first ticket to here, his sister did the second one, and his friend did the third, lol), he is so smart that it is so cute that online forms defeat him. But one lucky thing is Phil is always surrounded by people who love him enough to help him, so his friend again volunteered to help. What they found out was in this time of a lot of online scamming, airlines won’t accept an online payment of another person’s credit card for another person’s ticket. So that was a hurdle that took them a month to figure out, which sees the ticket price rises from GBP800 + to GBP900+. I don’t know what they did finally, I think they used a travel agency in the end, but they got me the tickets.
The day Phil told me it was settled I was so happy, but the wait for the online tickets was quite long, about two weeks I think, which set me worrying again. Once Walt emailed me the online ticket confirmation, I was like really relieved. Of course then I was a bundle of nerves of waiting for the day to come, planning what to pack, and worrying about the trip in general. I have never travelled anywhere alone. The last time I went oversea, I was 19 and had an aunt, a family friend and sis accompanying me. Even travelling in Malaysia, I think there was only two times I went alone for a holiday, once to Genting, and another one was to a hotel in Chow Kit for a brief three days break from routine. So safe to say I was worrying like hell about travelling out of the country alone.
I had to pack and repack so many times, I don’t know how I manage to actually bring anything lol. Next time I am so going to buy a scale so that Dad won’t make me take my third pair of jeans out, I really miss having a third pair of jeans, lol. The funny thing was with the limit being 23kg, my bag only weighed 16kg when we checked in, and I was like that jeans did not need to come out, lol. I went early to checked in so that I could ask for aisle seating because I know I am going to need the toilet a lot, but the flight was full and I got a window seat (which would have thrilled me when I was a child, lol), but he said I’ll be near the toilet and that was the best he could do. As usual, dad who doesn’t like goodbyes, told me to go in even though it was quite early yet, so I did after hugging them all half to death that is. The passport check was a breeze, slot in passport and hope to hell the thumbprint scanner can read my thumbprint (I always have problems with thumbprint scanner, lol) but this time it was kind, it decided my thumb was human and detectable, lol. So there I went onto the train to bring me to my gate and I went straight and waited for my gate to open, I waited nearly an hour I think, that was how early I was. But I had like four books in my handbag, so I was not bored, antsy I was, bored I was not.
Finally the gate opened and I went to wait inside the waiting hall for another half an hour, and finally the boarding call and I went on the plane. Found my seat, got comfortable and watched how my seatmate was trying to get a different seat because he requested to be near an exit or something. So after a bit I got a new seatmate, a 40 something Middle Eastern gentleman. I was careful not to smile, lol, (read my first post in this blog) I didn’t want anything to happen during that long flight lol. So when the plane took off I was like, finally, all the worries and anticipation of the past months left me. My seatmate don’t like to sit so I had no problem going to and forth the toilet. But he sure likes to drink, I think he ran the stewardesses haggard with his drink order, lol. Halfway through the flight, he was really tipsy and happy and started being very friendly. He told me he was an Iranian businessman who has been living in Malaysia for the past 2 years. He asked me where I am going and stuff, but he was really funny. He told me as he indicate to his 5th wine bottle, in Iran I am Muslim, I don’t drink, everywhere else I’m Christian, I drink. I was like he must play WoW lol, he is dual-spec. Well I don’t judge, people live as they want to live so I smiled (by that time I told him enough about Phil, I was not worried of my smile, lol). Then he proceeded to tell me about all the girl-friends that he has in every country he does business in and of course the two wives he left back in Iran. So safe to say I was not bored as the plane flies to Doha.
But in Doha was another matter, I landed around 11.45 pm and my flight out to Manchester is at 7.45 am the next morning. I had to kill 8 hours in that terminal, eating can only take so much time, lol. There was a quiet room provided for traveler in the terminal with lazy chairs and a darkened room in which you can rest, but it is always full, so I end up napping on the chair in front of my gates, it wasn’t very comfortable but I was real tired that I did manage about an hour nap I think. I didn’t want to be tempted with all the duty free shop so I didn’t window shop, I used the free internet service to logged in facebook and spend 15 minutes identifying friend’s tagged pictures for security purposes ( please I beg u fbers, tagged ur friend’s face, it is hard to identify which friend, lol when they are tagged to a picture of a handbag). Finally after going round the terminal a dozen times, lol I am very bad at waiting, and I found out when I am tired I don’t read really well, my gate opened, so I was among the first to go through. After waiting for a bit, the bus came to take us to the plane. I hardly recall the trip, I was that excited, and I have described how I felt when the plane first went through the thick cloud and I saw England or more accurately Manchester for the first time in my post before. Oh yeah one thing I have forgotten to mention, the food. I had an interesting food experience. Walter was worried about my food, he knows I have certain restrictions, so I told him if Halal is not available then he can put in for a kosher meal, that is the closest I think, but what Walter didn’t figure was Qatar already serve food that is prepared in the Islamic principle, so he put me in for kosher meals, so I was served kosher meal which came in sealed boxes I have to open and asked to be heated, lol.
So I guess that is it for now. Maybe I’ll write about my actual visit sometime when I am inspired. :)
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
My Hair and I :)
I saw Da checking out my blog the other day and overheard him saying, “always with her hair or stuck in her own world,” LOL. Well Da I make no excuse, my blog is about me, myself and I. As I basically said in my description whatever outburst I have at that moment in time I am moved to write. If it is about my hair, I’ll write about my hair, if it is a poem, then a poem, if it is about how much I am missing Phil, then it is about Phil and if need to talk to Mum, then a letter to Mum.
I went down today after doing up my hair in another do wanting to get the camera, which is inside the drawer at Da’s lappy desk. So I had to ask from Da, and he looked at me for the longest time, and ask, “Taking picture of your hair again eh?” and I nodded and smile, and he said, “Why don’t you just be a Mak Andam (a traditional Malay wedding make-up and hair specialist), because you like to play with your hair so much.” LOL Da, I like playing with my hair not other people.
Well Da playing with my hair now gives me something to concentrate on, rather than just mope around on how a mess I have made of my life now, on how much I miss Phil and how much I regret not being able to be with him this year as planned, on how much I miss Mummy and never seeing her smile at me ever again. Playing with my hair makes me happy, for a while, it gives me a sense of an accomplishment which I am short of at the moment. Basically it takes my mind of things that I don’t want to think of, like it is the first puasa without Mum , abang’s 16th birthday without Mum, first raya without Mum, my birthday without Mum and remembering my last birthday when Mum first fell and how I never thought that I wouldn’t see her this one, another birthday without Phil. Basically playing with my hair now is helping me not to drown in my despair.
I am kind of tired rereading my old books, so my hair is the other avenue to keep me on the sanity track. So Da, for now you’ll have to put up with me and my hair. And heads up, the latest Trudi Canavan trilogy would be good as my birthday present. LOL
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Unaware
Surely time has pass enough
and taken the edges of pain away
but from time to time
I’d be caught unaware
and a thought
or a memory
flickered by
and it seems I’ve just lost you
and tears run down
and my heart ache
with the pain
I miss you Mum
all the time
I’ve learnt to deal with that
it is this stealthy pain
that’s hidden
that I don’t know what to do with.
Would it always be this way?
I wonder?
rya
3/8/11
12.46 p.m.
and taken the edges of pain away
but from time to time
I’d be caught unaware
and a thought
or a memory
flickered by
and it seems I’ve just lost you
and tears run down
and my heart ache
with the pain
I miss you Mum
all the time
I’ve learnt to deal with that
it is this stealthy pain
that’s hidden
that I don’t know what to do with.
Would it always be this way?
I wonder?
rya
3/8/11
12.46 p.m.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Jumbled Mind
My mind has been invaded by a jumble of thoughts lately, that it has been hard trying to stay focus. My mood also has been tumbling around more than tumbleweed would. I have been thinking about writing for days, but just couldn’t find the right mood. I have been missing Phil really bad lately and whenever that happen it awakens another hurt, missing Mum. I can assuage missing Phil by skyping with him, but even reciting what people tells me to recite in honor of Mum would not take away the pain. I know from what people told me that I’ll always miss her just that with time it will get easier, and I guess not enough time has pass for me.
These past few weeks I have been thinking about her desperate request when she first woken up from the induce coma and she was quite lucid, she ask if I was married and when I told her no, she begged real desperately for me to get married. Since I finish my degree Mum has been teasingly requesting me to get married, and I would always teasingly tell her my destiny is to look after her and not some man, and she’d refuse that and said she wants to have grandchildren and I have to try hard to give her that. Well on that day after jokingly telling her I can’t get married because I have to look after her and she seriously told me my husband would look after her, so I push the joke aside and promised her I’ll try to fulfill her wish if she would only get well fast. It is my biggest regret I can’t fulfill that wish in her lifetime and no one would have known how my heart bleed when someone said at her funeral, it’s a shame she’ll never see her children married and have children of their own. Some people never know how thoughtless and insensitive their innocent comments could be, I guess.
Then my mind has also been swirling about this fairytale mom use to tell me when I was young. It was a long story, told to Mum by her grandmother as reward for pulling her grandma’s grey hair, so you can imagine how the story was dragged out so great grandma can get the most worth out of the story. I have an idea how to retell it with the protagonist who just lost her mother and in her nostalgia of recalling the story her late mother told her somehow stumble into the story itself. I have been trying to start writing it for days now, but as usual my muse stay silent, and stories are always harder on me than poetry. Well praying I can get this done, just for the satisfaction it’ll bring me.
I have also been thinking about Phil and I, I can’t believe it has been 2 years plus since we first said hello in the knighthood forum. Knighthood is already canceled but it has forged a strong bond for us. I have been meaning to write about us just to clarify it in my mind, but again my unfocused mind is not letting me write anything I want. I am amaze I get to write these few paragraphs today, that is how jumbled my mind has been these days.
Well I guess that is all for now. What the hell am I going to title it now? It is always a problem. LOL
These past few weeks I have been thinking about her desperate request when she first woken up from the induce coma and she was quite lucid, she ask if I was married and when I told her no, she begged real desperately for me to get married. Since I finish my degree Mum has been teasingly requesting me to get married, and I would always teasingly tell her my destiny is to look after her and not some man, and she’d refuse that and said she wants to have grandchildren and I have to try hard to give her that. Well on that day after jokingly telling her I can’t get married because I have to look after her and she seriously told me my husband would look after her, so I push the joke aside and promised her I’ll try to fulfill her wish if she would only get well fast. It is my biggest regret I can’t fulfill that wish in her lifetime and no one would have known how my heart bleed when someone said at her funeral, it’s a shame she’ll never see her children married and have children of their own. Some people never know how thoughtless and insensitive their innocent comments could be, I guess.
Then my mind has also been swirling about this fairytale mom use to tell me when I was young. It was a long story, told to Mum by her grandmother as reward for pulling her grandma’s grey hair, so you can imagine how the story was dragged out so great grandma can get the most worth out of the story. I have an idea how to retell it with the protagonist who just lost her mother and in her nostalgia of recalling the story her late mother told her somehow stumble into the story itself. I have been trying to start writing it for days now, but as usual my muse stay silent, and stories are always harder on me than poetry. Well praying I can get this done, just for the satisfaction it’ll bring me.
I have also been thinking about Phil and I, I can’t believe it has been 2 years plus since we first said hello in the knighthood forum. Knighthood is already canceled but it has forged a strong bond for us. I have been meaning to write about us just to clarify it in my mind, but again my unfocused mind is not letting me write anything I want. I am amaze I get to write these few paragraphs today, that is how jumbled my mind has been these days.
Well I guess that is all for now. What the hell am I going to title it now? It is always a problem. LOL
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Idup coceles
I was barely 2 years old, and living in grandma’s house, a staunch UMNO supporter, and I was spouting Hidup Sosialis (Live on Socialist) taught by my dad who was in Parti Sosialis Rakyat Malaysia then. It amuses him until now that I with my two years lisp would shout it loudly in a household and family who was pro-government, but that was how I was taught from the very beginning to always choose for myself what I feel right and not what the majority thought was right. Dad raised a rebel right from the start. All my life my dad taught me to look at things from all sides and he also taught me to look for things beneath the surface because so much is hidden if we are not taught to look, so many things easily manipulated so we are fooled, that it became second nature for me to think differently from others because my eyes saw different things than others.
Because of his lessons I was supplemented in my political intelligence so it took over the spoon feeding culture of our school and I always question everything that was told to me, so that I never take things at face value. As I grew up though, I noticed that I become too passionate about stuff that I care about that it threatens to overwhelm me, I put the brakes on and tried to be obsessed about natural teenagers stuffs like boy bands etc, and to my dad dismay I seem to limit my reading materials to romance novels, he is still upset I won’t read ‘The Lords of the Rims’. But I guess I chose to keep my sanity rather than be consume by a cause that will sapped the life out of me just by the fact I will be in the minority and it can take me to the end of my life without any result, so I chose to concentrate to personal causes I can win.
But from time to time, I will be affected especially when I see so many not seeing the right things, and I will speak up and then of course time and again be disappointed because not many could accept what I say because they weren’t expose to the same thing I was, wasn’t brought up the way I was, of course I’ll find a few who could agree, but too few to mention, so then again I decide to keep my peace ‘til the next time I am roused again. LOL
Phil was brought up in a different culture altogether, where how I was thought to think was an anomaly, in his it is the norm, and he is of the same mold of dad, you have to know and be aware of all these things and fight for the cause in any small way you can, both of them passionate but strong enough to not be consumed, so like dad, he does not really get it why someone like me choose to avoid or to be more accurate hide myself. So the way Phil sees it maybe she does not know what to read or what to look at, so he started giving me books, and pointed out news for me to look at, and yes I admit, I should try be like them, be aware yet not let it affect me too much, care but not let it be my whole life, which I must say is very difficult. But as Phil says, I am still growing up, so I will learn.
So for my friends, this few days I finally snapped and couldn’t keep my silence, if my opinion differ from yours, I hope you know, I come from a different angle altogether, not that I don’t respect your opinion but I am trying to give a different view which you might have missed. But I know everyone of you appreciate that others can disagree and not be frightened by it, because the right to having a different opinion is what being human is all about, there are times when we are individuals and there are times when we are part of a collective. Live and let live!
Because of his lessons I was supplemented in my political intelligence so it took over the spoon feeding culture of our school and I always question everything that was told to me, so that I never take things at face value. As I grew up though, I noticed that I become too passionate about stuff that I care about that it threatens to overwhelm me, I put the brakes on and tried to be obsessed about natural teenagers stuffs like boy bands etc, and to my dad dismay I seem to limit my reading materials to romance novels, he is still upset I won’t read ‘The Lords of the Rims’. But I guess I chose to keep my sanity rather than be consume by a cause that will sapped the life out of me just by the fact I will be in the minority and it can take me to the end of my life without any result, so I chose to concentrate to personal causes I can win.
But from time to time, I will be affected especially when I see so many not seeing the right things, and I will speak up and then of course time and again be disappointed because not many could accept what I say because they weren’t expose to the same thing I was, wasn’t brought up the way I was, of course I’ll find a few who could agree, but too few to mention, so then again I decide to keep my peace ‘til the next time I am roused again. LOL
Phil was brought up in a different culture altogether, where how I was thought to think was an anomaly, in his it is the norm, and he is of the same mold of dad, you have to know and be aware of all these things and fight for the cause in any small way you can, both of them passionate but strong enough to not be consumed, so like dad, he does not really get it why someone like me choose to avoid or to be more accurate hide myself. So the way Phil sees it maybe she does not know what to read or what to look at, so he started giving me books, and pointed out news for me to look at, and yes I admit, I should try be like them, be aware yet not let it affect me too much, care but not let it be my whole life, which I must say is very difficult. But as Phil says, I am still growing up, so I will learn.
So for my friends, this few days I finally snapped and couldn’t keep my silence, if my opinion differ from yours, I hope you know, I come from a different angle altogether, not that I don’t respect your opinion but I am trying to give a different view which you might have missed. But I know everyone of you appreciate that others can disagree and not be frightened by it, because the right to having a different opinion is what being human is all about, there are times when we are individuals and there are times when we are part of a collective. Live and let live!
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Playing with My Hair
One fine day as we were chatting on Skype, Phil linked me a youtube video, he is wont to link me things of interest from time to time. That day it was a how to video of different style of braids. I found out that to relax my man likes to watch hairstyling videos done by cute girls, LOL. But, I don’t know how he knows, I love to play with my hair, I learned to do French braids, French twist and stuff by watching others as I grew up. I never thought to go google it to learn more, so Phil gave me a whole afternoon of pleasure just going through one how to videos after another. It set me off learning all this different styles of braiding, and a whole few weeks of practicing it and it took my mind of missing him and worrying about my flight to UK, oh yes my honey really knows how to take my mind of things, one of the reason why I love him.
Ok, let’s get back to my story, yesterday Phil linked me a video of an interview of Ukrainian Opposition Leader, Yulia Timoshenko, apart from discussing her political troubles, I mentioned sheepishly to Phil that I like her hairstyle.
So lo and behold, Phil said let me dig up something for you, and he linked me a youtube video of how to do the hairstyle. The video was very easy to follow but it seems a bit complicated to me, so Phil linked up other videos of different way to approach it, bless him, instead of laughing at me for being such a girl and noticing the hairstyle instead of seriously discussing the issues he was trying to highlight, he understood and actually paid attention to my interest.
So here are different angles of how my first try at the braid turn out. I could use more practice and most probably a mirror, I did it while watching Merlin on tv, but I think it turn out quite nice.
Well thank you hun for being the man you are, it gave me hours of pleasure and yes took my mind of missing you so much. :)
Ok, let’s get back to my story, yesterday Phil linked me a video of an interview of Ukrainian Opposition Leader, Yulia Timoshenko, apart from discussing her political troubles, I mentioned sheepishly to Phil that I like her hairstyle.
So lo and behold, Phil said let me dig up something for you, and he linked me a youtube video of how to do the hairstyle. The video was very easy to follow but it seems a bit complicated to me, so Phil linked up other videos of different way to approach it, bless him, instead of laughing at me for being such a girl and noticing the hairstyle instead of seriously discussing the issues he was trying to highlight, he understood and actually paid attention to my interest.
So here are different angles of how my first try at the braid turn out. I could use more practice and most probably a mirror, I did it while watching Merlin on tv, but I think it turn out quite nice.
Well thank you hun for being the man you are, it gave me hours of pleasure and yes took my mind of missing you so much. :)
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Is it Worth it?
Sometimes I wonder
if it is worth
all this tears and heartache
all the agony of missing him
and
all the pain of longing for someone so faraway
trying to remember
what it felt like to feel
so alone
so lonely
so unwanted
so loveless
and I know that it is worth it,
because there will be an end
to the pain,
and the pleasure will be more appreciated
when its time come
and ‘til then
I’ll just bask
in the memory of
his smile
his loving eyes
and hold on
to our talk
on cyber space
‘til we meet again!
rya
26/6/11
12.12 a.m.
if it is worth
all this tears and heartache
all the agony of missing him
and
all the pain of longing for someone so faraway
trying to remember
what it felt like to feel
so alone
so lonely
so unwanted
so loveless
and I know that it is worth it,
because there will be an end
to the pain,
and the pleasure will be more appreciated
when its time come
and ‘til then
I’ll just bask
in the memory of
his smile
his loving eyes
and hold on
to our talk
on cyber space
‘til we meet again!
rya
26/6/11
12.12 a.m.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Windmills in my mind
I don’t know what to write actually or whether I should even write this, but my mind has been going round and round it since I have been back, I just can’t keep it straight anymore, I need the clarity that writing it out would give me. Phil’s friend keeps telling me that I got to learn to be selfish, that in life in order to get anywhere we have to think of ourselves first. He was telling me in regards of decisions I have to make in life especially in regards of what is good for my relationship with Phil. I know he sees it as easy as choosing what is advantageous for us rather than thinking of the good of everyone else. Well the thing is he sees it from his point of view, but in a way what I am choosing now is quite selfish, I am choosing what I want, to have him and to have my family happy with me, though in the end the one that is suffering for now is me. But all the compromise that I have been shown won’t give me what I really need and want, so I am being selfish for wanting it my own way and not willing to compromise that. I am lucky though that Phil is willing to accept that however it pains him and I guess that is why I love him so much and respect him for it, for that ability to see my point of view despite how it goes against the grain of his worldview.
Another thing that is whirling in my mind is Phil’s insistence of the freedom that I’ll have to face when I am with him and his wanting me to embrace it. As he sees it I am too confine now and that the freedom that will be mine will be a problem and I am in need of some training for it. But the funny thing is as he says that, I don’t think he sees what I am choosing now is because I have the freedom of choice of what I want, and he is the one who gave it to me, lol, an irony and the funniest dichotomy ever, what he sees as me being restricted to tradition and culture, I see as a freedom of choice that he keeps insisting I have. Well again, it shows me that however different a background we both come from, however different our worldview is because how our world shape us, we share a core similarity that will make sure we go through all our differences as easy and painless as possible. As day goes by, I am more sure than ever that this is meant to be and that we love each other enough to make it till the end of our journey, maybe not unscathed, but strong enough to withstand it all, insyaallah!
Another thing that is whirling in my mind is Phil’s insistence of the freedom that I’ll have to face when I am with him and his wanting me to embrace it. As he sees it I am too confine now and that the freedom that will be mine will be a problem and I am in need of some training for it. But the funny thing is as he says that, I don’t think he sees what I am choosing now is because I have the freedom of choice of what I want, and he is the one who gave it to me, lol, an irony and the funniest dichotomy ever, what he sees as me being restricted to tradition and culture, I see as a freedom of choice that he keeps insisting I have. Well again, it shows me that however different a background we both come from, however different our worldview is because how our world shape us, we share a core similarity that will make sure we go through all our differences as easy and painless as possible. As day goes by, I am more sure than ever that this is meant to be and that we love each other enough to make it till the end of our journey, maybe not unscathed, but strong enough to withstand it all, insyaallah!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Missing and Longing
“We may only have tonight, but till the morning sun, you’re mine, all mine,” kept singing that over and over today. Heard Plain White T’s new single Rhythm of Love a few weeks before I went to UK, liked it, but today as it plays on the radio and my heart was in pain with missing him so much, it eases with the simple lyric and easy on the ear melody. As always when I don’t get to chat with him I miss him a little bit more than usual, nothing really helps till I get to chat with him again or get a short text, but both didn’t happen yet, but listening to the song again and again online helps. Thank god, it is never comfortable this hurting, and I think my eyes is relieve for the break it is giving me because true to the lyric, “all your tears will subside, all your tears will dry,” I have stop crying for the day.
I don’t know why I am missing him this much, it feels like a part of me is missing, boy is furious with me moping around all the time, but I can’t help it, it is just how I am feeling all the time now. Before I went back I ask for him to give me something to wear to remember him by, I was actually aiming at his chains, but I couldn’t do it, I knew how he loves it, but to have something he has worn so long, and on me all the time, would be cool. Instead he bought me clothes, lol. Well the t-shirt I wore home is good for everyday use, but not till sis noticed that I am kind of wearing it every day. Then when I sent that to the wash, I start wearing the cute dress he bought me, lol, which starts boy asking why am I wearing such a nice dress just to sent sis to the market? Well I can’t actually tell them it is because I miss him so much and I need him near, they will laugh or shake their head, so hun do u see how the chain would have been easier, lol.
Well till we don’t have to say we may only have tonight I guess I got to learn to cope better and trust that soon we will be together. I love you hun, so much!
p.s Plain White T's Rhythm of Love
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Letters to Mummy 8
Dear Mummy,
I am in mess, both body and mind. I know the last post I made was a part 1 of my visit to Phil. I was supposed to write many more, but I got too busy and too tired to write. I am home now, I am happy I am home, I missed the family, the food, but at the same time I am extremely sad. I hate leaving him Mum and I hate that it is for indefinitely. We were supposed to get married this year, but financially it is just not doable, and the postponement hurts. I can’t bear to be without him anymore, but I can’t see a way out. He can, but he understand why I can’t and it is tearing us apart that it is me that is not making it possible. I know I have to talk to Dad and sees what he thinks, but I don’t know how Mom, since you are not around he has not been in the best of mood, and you know I don’t deal well with Dad. Phil don’t get it why I am so scared to talk to Dad, to his observation Dad is not a monster and he doesn’t get it why a 35 years old still cringe thinking of asking her dad stuff. But you know Mom, you and Adik has always been my buffer, Dad and I we are too alike, that we actually rubbed each other the wrong way sometime, and I have learnt to fear the consequences, he can hurt me like no one else can, with just a word, and he can comfort me like no one else can, with just a smile. Mom, I miss you, I miss talking to you, sounding you out before talking to Dad, having you intervene if things get too tense, Mummy, I need you, now!
I know it is not fair, but there’s no one I could turn to anymore. I know Phil has my back, but I know in this he is not objective either, Mummy, I don’t know what to do. Mummy, I need you!
I am sorry. I shouldn’t do this. But I am that lost now, Mom, I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop thinking, but the thing is I can’t make myself talk to anyone, alive that is. I am just too scared and my mind to scattered to make myself heard right. Had a long talk with Phil, but it just get short of an argument, with him going back to his prodding method trying to get me motivated, and thank god I am calm, or is it passively tired enough, not to rise to his trolling, because I don’t think I could handle a fight right now. It would be just the thing to just push me all right, but I don’t think it will be the direction he wants me to go. I don’t know Mom, right now I feel like I am being pulled in two directions, and that soon I might just fall apart. All I am doing now is praying for strength and clarity, but neither seems to be coming in just yet. So I write to you, which make most question my sanity anyway, but what else can I do. I can’t let this starts tearing holes in my mind, trying to sort itself out. I don’t know if it is the best idea to do, but it is the only thing I can do. Forgive me!
Along
I am in mess, both body and mind. I know the last post I made was a part 1 of my visit to Phil. I was supposed to write many more, but I got too busy and too tired to write. I am home now, I am happy I am home, I missed the family, the food, but at the same time I am extremely sad. I hate leaving him Mum and I hate that it is for indefinitely. We were supposed to get married this year, but financially it is just not doable, and the postponement hurts. I can’t bear to be without him anymore, but I can’t see a way out. He can, but he understand why I can’t and it is tearing us apart that it is me that is not making it possible. I know I have to talk to Dad and sees what he thinks, but I don’t know how Mom, since you are not around he has not been in the best of mood, and you know I don’t deal well with Dad. Phil don’t get it why I am so scared to talk to Dad, to his observation Dad is not a monster and he doesn’t get it why a 35 years old still cringe thinking of asking her dad stuff. But you know Mom, you and Adik has always been my buffer, Dad and I we are too alike, that we actually rubbed each other the wrong way sometime, and I have learnt to fear the consequences, he can hurt me like no one else can, with just a word, and he can comfort me like no one else can, with just a smile. Mom, I miss you, I miss talking to you, sounding you out before talking to Dad, having you intervene if things get too tense, Mummy, I need you, now!
I know it is not fair, but there’s no one I could turn to anymore. I know Phil has my back, but I know in this he is not objective either, Mummy, I don’t know what to do. Mummy, I need you!
I am sorry. I shouldn’t do this. But I am that lost now, Mom, I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop thinking, but the thing is I can’t make myself talk to anyone, alive that is. I am just too scared and my mind to scattered to make myself heard right. Had a long talk with Phil, but it just get short of an argument, with him going back to his prodding method trying to get me motivated, and thank god I am calm, or is it passively tired enough, not to rise to his trolling, because I don’t think I could handle a fight right now. It would be just the thing to just push me all right, but I don’t think it will be the direction he wants me to go. I don’t know Mom, right now I feel like I am being pulled in two directions, and that soon I might just fall apart. All I am doing now is praying for strength and clarity, but neither seems to be coming in just yet. So I write to you, which make most question my sanity anyway, but what else can I do. I can’t let this starts tearing holes in my mind, trying to sort itself out. I don’t know if it is the best idea to do, but it is the only thing I can do. Forgive me!
Along
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