Letters to Mummy 8

Dear Mummy,

I am in mess, both body and mind. I know the last post I made was a part 1 of my visit to Phil. I was supposed to write many more, but I got too busy and too tired to write. I am home now, I am happy I am home, I missed the family, the food, but at the same time I am extremely sad. I hate leaving him Mum and I hate that it is for indefinitely. We were supposed to get married this year, but financially it is just not doable, and the postponement hurts. I can’t bear to be without him anymore, but I can’t see a way out. He can, but he understand why I can’t and it is tearing us apart that it is me that is not making it possible. I know I have to talk to Dad and sees what he thinks, but I don’t know how Mom, since you are not around he has not been in the best of mood, and you know I don’t deal well with Dad. Phil don’t get it why I am so scared to talk to Dad, to his observation Dad is not a monster and he doesn’t get it why a 35 years old still cringe thinking of asking her dad stuff. But you know Mom, you and Adik has always been my buffer, Dad and I we are too alike, that we actually rubbed each other the wrong way sometime, and I have learnt to fear the consequences, he can hurt me like no one else can, with just a word, and he can comfort me like no one else can, with just a smile. Mom, I miss you, I miss talking to you, sounding you out before talking to Dad, having you intervene if things get too tense, Mummy, I need you, now!

I know it is not fair, but there’s no one I could turn to anymore. I know Phil has my back, but I know in this he is not objective either, Mummy, I don’t know what to do. Mummy, I need you!

I am sorry. I shouldn’t do this. But I am that lost now, Mom, I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop thinking, but the thing is I can’t make myself talk to anyone, alive that is. I am just too scared and my mind to scattered to make myself heard right. Had a long talk with Phil, but it just get short of an argument, with him going back to his prodding method trying to get me motivated, and thank god I am calm, or is it passively tired enough, not to rise to his trolling, because I don’t think I could handle a fight right now. It would be just the thing to just push me all right, but I don’t think it will be the direction he wants me to go. I don’t know Mom, right now I feel like I am being pulled in two directions, and that soon I might just fall apart. All I am doing now is praying for strength and clarity, but neither seems to be coming in just yet. So I write to you, which make most question my sanity anyway, but what else can I do. I can’t let this starts tearing holes in my mind, trying to sort itself out. I don’t know if it is the best idea to do, but it is the only thing I can do. Forgive me!

Along