Windmills in my mind

I don’t know what to write actually or whether I should even write this, but my mind has been going round and round it since I have been back, I just can’t keep it straight anymore, I need the clarity that writing it out would give me. Phil’s friend keeps telling me that I got to learn to be selfish, that in life in order to get anywhere we have to think of ourselves first. He was telling me in regards of decisions I have to make in life especially in regards of what is good for my relationship with Phil. I know he sees it as easy as choosing what is advantageous for us rather than thinking of the good of everyone else. Well the thing is he sees it from his point of view, but in a way what I am choosing now is quite selfish, I am choosing what I want, to have him and to have my family happy with me, though in the end the one that is suffering for now is me. But all the compromise that I have been shown won’t give me what I really need and want, so I am being selfish for wanting it my own way and not willing to compromise that. I am lucky though that Phil is willing to accept that however it pains him and I guess that is why I love him so much and respect him for it, for that ability to see my point of view despite how it goes against the grain of his worldview.

Another thing that is whirling in my mind is Phil’s insistence of the freedom that I’ll have to face when I am with him and his wanting me to embrace it. As he sees it I am too confine now and that the freedom that will be mine will be a problem and I am in need of some training for it. But the funny thing is as he says that, I don’t think he sees what I am choosing now is because I have the freedom of choice of what I want, and he is the one who gave it to me, lol, an irony and the funniest dichotomy ever, what he sees as me being restricted to tradition and culture, I see as a freedom of choice that he keeps insisting I have. Well again, it shows me that however different a background we both come from, however different our worldview is because how our world shape us, we share a core similarity that will make sure we go through all our differences as easy and painless as possible. As day goes by, I am more sure than ever that this is meant to be and that we love each other enough to make it till the end of our journey, maybe not unscathed, but strong enough to withstand it all, insyaallah!