When September Comes

My birthday month is coming around again, not something I enjoy, not when last year proof to be one of the worse I have ever had, it was the month that Mummy fell, it was the month where I was looking after Mummy, and at times so frustrated, I wish it was over soon, and to my horror it ended definitively with Mum passing away. I am not looking forward to turning 35 this year. I know I shouldn’t be this way. I have so many things to be grateful for, but my glass is always half empty when September comes. No matter how I try, I can never think happy thoughts. I have always felt I was alone in this until I met Phil, he hates his birthdays too, and he is the first one who ever understood why I might be so miserable on my birthday.

For a moment this year I thought I might be happy on my birthday, thought I could be with him this year by the time I turn 35, but it is not meant to be. Funny though, I have managed to have Phil here to celebrate two of his birthdays, but never manage it for mine, and sometimes I wonder if he’d even remember. I remember the first year we knew each other, I was so desperately wanting for him to wish me happy birthday that I blurt out after about an hour of chatting, “Aren’t you ever going to say it?” Which got me a startled, “Say what?” So I just said, “Happy birthday of course, it is my birthday today.” He was sweet of course after wishing me, he got one of his friend to swear as power 20 lady to my Knighthood account, and I think that was his only birthday present so far, I can’t recall what he did for my birthday last year, but understandably so, last year was a terrible time for me, I can’t recall much of anything else.

This year I am just hoping I’ll get through it without much tears. I don’t think that would be very achievable, because I am already crying now, thinking about it, thinking just how last year Mum was celebrating it with me in pain, that I would have never imagined that was my last birthday with her. I miss you so much Mum. How am I going to get through this month without you? I never knew anyone could live and be this sad for so long. Phil mentioned today, that all my SMS to him has been really sad, and I can’t deny it. I live in perpetual sadness now, from missing Mum and him every day. I do try to be happy in all the little moments that I can, like finding joy in being with the family, smiling at cute happy song, or learning to braid my hair in different styles, little things like that. But it seems like I am enfolded in a thick cloud of sadness that will only be penetrated by the shine of joy now and again. Well I am grateful for that I suppose and try to find happiness more often until I really could be happy again always.