Jumbled Mind

My mind has been invaded by a jumble of thoughts lately, that it has been hard trying to stay focus. My mood also has been tumbling around more than tumbleweed would. I have been thinking about writing for days, but just couldn’t find the right mood. I have been missing Phil really bad lately and whenever that happen it awakens another hurt, missing Mum. I can assuage missing Phil by skyping with him, but even reciting what people tells me to recite in honor of Mum would not take away the pain. I know from what people told me that I’ll always miss her just that with time it will get easier, and I guess not enough time has pass for me.

These past few weeks I have been thinking about her desperate request when she first woken up from the induce coma and she was quite lucid, she ask if I was married and when I told her no, she begged real desperately for me to get married. Since I finish my degree Mum has been teasingly requesting me to get married, and I would always teasingly tell her my destiny is to look after her and not some man, and she’d refuse that and said she wants to have grandchildren and I have to try hard to give her that. Well on that day after jokingly telling her I can’t get married because I have to look after her and she seriously told me my husband would look after her, so I push the joke aside and promised her I’ll try to fulfill her wish if she would only get well fast. It is my biggest regret I can’t fulfill that wish in her lifetime and no one would have known how my heart bleed when someone said at her funeral, it’s a shame she’ll never see her children married and have children of their own. Some people never know how thoughtless and insensitive their innocent comments could be, I guess.

Then my mind has also been swirling about this fairytale mom use to tell me when I was young. It was a long story, told to Mum by her grandmother as reward for pulling her grandma’s grey hair, so you can imagine how the story was dragged out so great grandma can get the most worth out of the story. I have an idea how to retell it with the protagonist who just lost her mother and in her nostalgia of recalling the story her late mother told her somehow stumble into the story itself. I have been trying to start writing it for days now, but as usual my muse stay silent, and stories are always harder on me than poetry. Well praying I can get this done, just for the satisfaction it’ll bring me.

I have also been thinking about Phil and I, I can’t believe it has been 2 years plus since we first said hello in the knighthood forum. Knighthood is already canceled but it has forged a strong bond for us. I have been meaning to write about us just to clarify it in my mind, but again my unfocused mind is not letting me write anything I want. I am amaze I get to write these few paragraphs today, that is how jumbled my mind has been these days.
Well I guess that is all for now. What the hell am I going to title it now? It is always a problem. LOL