I Miss You Mummy 4

As we were putting away groceries and preparing lunch yesterday, after Daddy and Auntie Jen returned from the market, Auntie commented that we have a lot of salted eggs that we have not cooked, and my mind just suddenly thought of the many times I had to forbid Mom from eating salted eggs and other salty stuff, because I was afraid it would aggravate her hypertension, all I wanted was to prolong her life, but at that moment all I felt was regret that I didn’t let mom enjoy all the food that she love while she was alive. It was hard not to bawl out in front of everyone right there and then.

There are days like that when the weirdest things trigger the tears, it could be seeing Mom’s empty pill box or it could just be a fleeting memory that makes me real sad. I wonder if it will always be that way, Phil keep telling me its normal and the pain will lessen in time, but would that mean I’d forget, Abang asked me a couple of weeks ago, would he forget? He is afraid that he’ll forget Mom, because he says as time passed memories has become a blur and he is afraid the memories would disappear. I just assured him that he’ll never forget the important stuff, things might go fuzzy but his memory of Mummy’s love will always be there. I don’t know, it is tough, I have no idea how to steer everyone including me in this unfamiliar waters, I am just dealing with it, moment by moment, day by day. I have been thinking a lot what to write, the memories been swirling, but again having problem putting it all down, I wish February is here, so I could just talk it out with Phil, I think it’ll be easier talking it out, writing it out all alone is too lonely for me at the moment.

I don’t know, I’ll try again I guess, one of these days soon, because every time I wrote, I feel less tense, it is good for me, but as usual there have to be little pain for the great gain. Till I can write again, I miss you Mummy.

I Miss You Mummy 3

Mom and me had a weird dynamic, me stubborn and mom ignoring that stubbornness, and sometimes her ignoring my stubbornness leads to big disaster that led to some of my biggest life’s lesson, which worked out fine apart from a hospital trip or two :P, unlike dad who does not tolerate at all my stubbornness which basically make me dump all my stubbornness on mom, lol. Why am I stubborn? I don’t really know, I think it was my grandma who told me (could be other relatives, lol, I can’t really recall) that if a person has a mole behind her ear, it shows that the person was born stubborn, well I don’t know if it is true, but the thing is I have a mole behind both ears, so that is where the family is blaming my stubbornness on, and teasingly saying I am doubly stubborn. But if you look at it, mom told me I was a week or two early, mom fell in the bathroom one day, and I decided that was the perfect time for me to make my loud entrance into the world, so from day one I stubbornly refused to follow the schedule that was prepared for me, mom should have known from then on I am going to drag her from one stubborn tantrum after another, but I guess mom and dad didn’t, because they chose a sweet, demure third name for me (why I never liked being called Ayu, lol).

Anyway, the accident I had when I was 3 years old was because I was stubborn , I know mom blamed herself, but honestly it had to be blamed on my two moles, lol. We were living with Tok Jamilah (my maternal grandmother) then, across the street was my auntie’s house, I adored playing with my cousin who was one year older, so most of the time I’d be there. One day mom thought I have been at Mak Ngah’s house too long, so she came over to fetch me. Of course I refused, so mom bribed me by promising that she’d make banana fritters and Milo, my favourite snack at the time, and I reluctantly said goodbye and took Mom’s left hand, she was carrying 6 months old adik on her right. While we were waiting to cross, I had the bright idea to show mom how clever I was, despite being told and impressed upon a thousand times to never let go of my parents’ or an adult’s hand while crossing the road, I that day stubbornly did so and ran across the road as fast as I could as shown by my much older cousin, De Fidah, (I forgot the part where she showed to look, left and right first, not that I could tell my left and right, I just remember the run, lol), the thing was I made it safely across the road and as I was triumphantly turning to show mom what a clever girl I was, I flew into the air, yeah that was all I could recall now, how I flew into the air after the motorbike hit me, I can’t recall the impact, or the pain when the tip of my right little finger was blendered by the wheel, all I remembered was how I was thrown into the air and how time seems to have stopped and the absolute horrified look mom had. A look that stayed with me my whole life, which has stopped me doing a lot of foolish things, not all of course, I still have a lot to learn, but that accident taught me, to never let go of my parents hand when they are guiding me, even if I think I was too old for it, and of course it also taught me my left and right, lol, till today I still feel for that lost tip on my right hand little finger to make sure which is right or left.

Well I have a lot more stories of my stubbornness and how mom dealt with it, like why I hate my middle name so much, but I guess that is for another day, because again I am flooded by too many images to make it out into words. Till the next time then, I miss you Mummy.

I Miss You Mummy 2

After writing I Miss You Mummy ;( the other day, I had a talk with Phil. I was telling him I was worried that I might not be grieving properly, that I would wake up one day and totally lose it. He says he thinks I have not suppressed my grief, just that I don’t wallow in it, but taking me seriously he suggested I continue writing down my feelings, memories about mom, and he even added, I don’t even have to blog it, unless I want to, that made me smile, he knows I post almost anything on my blog, let’s face it not a lot of people would be interested in reading my infrequent updated blog which most of the time talk about me and my problems, the only people that read are Phil (when I make him, lol), my sister and a few close friends, whom I would share what I post anyway.

But the thing is I can’t write, memories been swirling around but I find no threads to tie them up, I can’t make it comprehensible, which make Phil’s way of getting drunk and talking about it easier to swallow, lol, since he and I both know that way is kind of close to me, so only writing it out is my only avenue. I tried really hard, especially the night I couldn’t sleep, I wrote How Do I ... a poem about my last hour with mom, it made me cry and actually till now I am still crying inside when I am with the family and real tears when I am alone, but I don’t think I am successful at keeping my sadness from them because everyone seems gloomier these 2 days.

Well anyway, what memories have been swirling apart from that vivid last moments, well that is just it, myriads of them, of the image of mom with my large bamboo cane given by a village gangster when daddy was shooting in Rembau, the cane was nearly 6 feet long and 2 inch thick, and there was mom in all her 5 feet 1 inch height using it to threaten me about what she is willing to do if I don’t go to school, and there I was, rebellious 15, who knew very well that cane will never touch me, but looking at sweet mom and know how badly she wants me to behave and not succumb to the sweet seduction of uncontrollable emotions, so I obeyed and till today the legend of mom carrying a large bamboo cane and harrying me to school remains in the family history.

And there was the time when I was away at university and trying to cook dinner for my housemates, I had to call mom 7 times just to find out if I am cooking her Kangkung Belacan correctly. The whole family still get a good laugh about that. I guess there’s just something in me who believed mom will always be there to cook up all my favourite food and only she can do it right, which stops me from learning all her recipes right, it takes me a long time to be able to make gulai, asam pedas, kangkung goreng belacan, just like she does it, because once I can she won’t do it anymore, saying I can do it now why don’t I make it for her, so I never did. I don’t think it is because I can’t cook or anything, I can learn and adapt a lot of recipes as long as it isn’t mom’s, or my sis would just say, I am just plain lazy, lol, by saying mom’s better, I never have to cook. But what can I say, it does taste better when mom cooks, mine just lack something. So when I was chatting with Phil, a few days after mom passed, I was telling him there’s so many things yet I haven’t learn from mom, and I think he was worried I would say women’s stuff, and so he ask what things? And he laughed when I said, “hmm right now, mostly I think of food.” And the thing is, it made us kids really sad, that we’ll never taste her Laksa Lemak, Ikan Sarak, Nasi Minyak, not that we haven’t helped her or watched her cook all this but we thought that there were still time for her to impart all this. One of the projects that we keep postponing is me typing out all the recipes that mom keeps in her head; well I guess that is what happen when you procrastinate.

Well I guess these two memories would have to do for now, before the myriad of others starts to confuse me on the deatails, anyway, can’t type through the tears anymore, but I guess will continue when the memories get too much in my head and I need to unburden again. I miss you Mummy.

How do I...

I wanted so much for you to stay,
I prayed and prayed
asking for more time
I whispered how I love you
and wasn’t ready to let you go
but at the end
I love you too much
to make you stay
I told you to go
I begged Him to take you
and as I sat quietly
watching you go
my heart broke the moment yours stop
I barely heard what the doctor said
I think a part of me went with you
I miss you so much
How do I go on without you?

rya
3/12/10
3.01 am

I miss you Mummy ;(

There is nothing worse for someone who depends on her ability to write things out to be able to sort her emotional turmoils to not be able to do that. In a previous post I mention how envious I was with dad and sis who could write out what they were feeling after mom passed away. It is three weeks today since mom went home and I still can’t write. I have so much to say, not that I don’t but I can’t write it down or to be more correct type it out. I have stared at the blank Words pages countless of time I can’t count it on my hands anymore, finger poised ready to type, but nothing, all those emotions roiling in my brain desperate to come out can’t be put to words, somehow the tools of my catharsis all this troubled years failed me when I need it the most.

A lot of people won’t understand this, as shown by comments daddy and adik received on their piece of writing, 90% begged them to move on, not to dwell on the grief, that it is not healthy, and not good for Mom’s peace etc. But what they don’t get is, it is very healthy process for them, if they are able to work through their grief through what they do best i.e. writing and something selfless mom won’t begrudge, and most grief counsellor would agree it is a good thing to do. I guess people who don’t depend on writing wouldn’t get it, for most writing is something to dread not to enjoy, and most probably haven’t experience the catharsis that writing their emotions or problems could give them. It doesn’t matter, what matters is that I need it, bad. When I was talking to Phil soon after, he urged me to write, he knows it would help me more than any comforting words he could say, and since he is thousands of miles away and can’t give me the hug I needed, he knows that writing would offer me the comfort of release.

But what can I say? Everything seems so cold, so sterile, and I am numb. Reading the diagnosis on the death certificate over and over again, sepsis with multiple organ failure, a cold sterile statement that does not indicate at all the world of hurts it has inflicted on me and the family. Losing mom was something I am not ready for, during the middle of the46 days of her hospital stay, when things were looking quite bleak, Phil asked me if I was prepared, I told him the truth, I don’t think I will ever be prepared. And though outwardly I am going through the motions for everyone’s sake, inwardly I am a mess, shown by my desperate message on Phil’s Skype: -

I want mom back Hun, she is the only one who loves me no questions ask, I can do anything, be anything and she loves me

Basically that says it all, mom was truly the only person who has unconditional love for me, actually for all of us in the family, and I have lost that and it hurts and it doesn’t make sense that it all started with a stupid fall that cause no fracture and end up with me losing someone I am so not ready to see gone. She was supposed to see me married thus giving her the hope of having grandchildren – her dearest wish – and when she has fulfilled so many of my dreams, it seems so unfair that time won’t let me fulfil one of hers. What hurts was when she was first lucid in the first weeks of visiting her, she said to me almost desperately for me to get married, and I jokingly told her who is going to look after her if I do, and when she says my husband will, I sort of promise her that when she gets better I will do my best to get her that wish. Noticed I said when, not if, because I would have never imagined she wouldn’t be there.

Well I guess I have gone as far as I can today, it is a start, and though there’s still a world of hurts inside of me, as Phil say it needs time, time will make it bearable, but right now I can’t see that time would ever take the hurt away. I miss you mummy.

Speechless

In previous post, I said I can’t write because the words wouldn’t come out. Now I have so many words that wanted to come out, but the words are so bitter and angry that I don’t think I should write it out. It will be taken wrongly by so many and hurt some people that I do not intend to hurt. I don’t know why nothing comes easy in my life; dealing with losing mom is hard enough but as always life will always throws a curve that makes it harder. But I am afraid of the repercussion of bottling all this emotion up, I had to control the flow of my tears, so the siblings could lean on my strength and dad would have one less thing to worry about, I was so good at bottling that up till I scared the nurses who had never seen someone so calm awaiting family to come, till the relatives were whispering it is ok to cry, I know that, but what they don’t understand I can only cry when I am alone, because when Adik and Abang see me cry they would cry of course but the worse thing is they lose their shoulder to cry on because they assumed my shoulder is already burdened with my own insurmountable pain.

But my tears are not really bottled up, just controlled, so I should be all right, I am grieving properly. But this anger and bitterness have no outlet I could direct it to. To be clear my anger and bitterness is not about losing mom, I am at peace with that. She was in so much pain towards the end, the non-stop bleeding in her mouth that I had to suction out, made me whisper to mom to let go if she can’t take it anymore, and I begged God to take her if it is her time. So I am sad but I am glad mom is at peace. I can’t even tell why I am angry, it is too ugly to be exposed and how do I deal with that? I have learnt from experience how dangerous my bottled up emotions could be, I don’t want another major breakdown, I can’t afford it, I have Dad, Adik and Abang to look after, who are all vulnerable emotionally right now, so won’t be able to handle it if I get sick.

All I want to ask is why? Don’t they think we are already in enough pain? Or is the rewards gain from visiting the sick and attending the funeral enough to cover this minor sin of hurting the family of the decease feelings? I don’t know, but I guess my heart already broke when mom passed away, so this couldn’t make it worse could it? You can’t hurt an already broken heart, I guess.

Bereft of words

Dad has his photos and his poems, sis found her groove back and wrote an eloquent eulogy from the heart, but I can’t even write a short status, I can’t find the words. Phil told me to write, he says it would help, but I told him the words won’t come out, and he says, it will come. I guess it all boils down to what I sms to Phil right after I called Adik to tell her the news, I texted, “ Hun, Mom just passed away. I think my heart just broke a million pieces.” And my words have always been from the heart, and its broken now, how can it come?

Mummy's Promise

Three weeks ago thereabouts when I was bedsitting Mummy, the patient next to her bed passed away and her mom was crying. I whispered to Mum (and I know this wasn’t fair or very adult), “Mummy promise me, you won’t make me cry that way.” She nodded as Mum always do when I ask her impossible things, never saying a word because she knows I know it is impossible, I just needed the comfort that Mum will try her best for my impossible request. That is Mum to the core; her love for us will make her try all the impossible things and most of the time she made it possible. There are so many things yet I want to share with her, on his attempt to help me prepare for the worse, even Phil was distracted with his own hopes and dreams:

[10/8/2010 3:49:59 PM] Phil McQuinn: i saw my own eyes what a wonderful kind person she was
yet the welcome she gave me cannot be exaggerated
it’s a tribute that sounds hollow
I was concerned of course :P
yet your parents set me to ease
and I have nothing but the deepest respect for your father AND mum
the world will be poorer without her, I wish to the bottom of my heart that its not her time
i really want her to see her daughter married
I would dearly wish and i do pray I can watch you show her, her grandchildren
it would give me great happiness to see that day
but those are my hopes, my dreams
not to burden you with
sorry
got distracted

But I guess that is just us planning, God decides. However I made Mummy promise, the decision is in God’s hand. Ya Allah, will you grant me a little more time?...

Alone

Words have left me
and I am bereft
without them
speechless
to describe
how
now
I
…

rya
30 September 2010, 11.10 pm

Storms

You know the saying when it rains, it pours. It really does. In my storms hit life, however bad it gets I have always had someone to help prop me up, my survival so far has depended on that. So when Mummy was critical in ICU, even though I cried, from guilt mostly, I know I’d get through it because Daddy, Adik and Abang is right beside me and of course the support of others that love us. But yesterday when in the morning the doctor told me Abang has influenza B and has to be quarantined at home for three days, and then brought Adik to the doctor to check out her swollen foot – infected wound and need rest, and seeing Daddy who can’t barely move because of a bad back ache, and seeing Mummy who is slowly improving health wise but worsening mental wise, was just too much. I have never felt so alone or so overwhelmed. Texting my boyfriend and one of my closest friend help somewhat, but both being so far away can’t take away that feeling of helplessness of not being strong enough to do all that needs doing. Before anyone starts telling me that Allah is always beside me and I should have faith in Him to help me, I know that, but me being human with human failings so that moment of weakness is kind of expected, isn’t it?

I am just writing this as usual to get this out of my system instead of it fermenting and becoming toxic in my mind, I am all right or I’ll be fine soon because I am the pillar and my weak point is still protected so I guess will not be crumbling anytime soon.

Waiting...

Does a pillar have a choice not to be strong?
Can it choose to sway when storms hit?
Of course not,
it was never design to choose,
but it doesn’t mean it won’t break
because if you hit it hard enough
or exactly at its weakest point
it’ll not only break
it might crumble and fall.
Do I have a choice not to be strong?
It was never an option,
but having no choice
make my weakest point weaker
and one hit is all it is going to take
and all my life
it has been a waiting game
of when would the cookie crumbles…

Sad September

September is here again, and since the year that marks my sweet sixteen I have always dreaded this month, the month I was born in. Exactly why I don’t know, but it was soon after my 15th birthday I suffered my first depression, a month or so before my Sijil Rendah Pelajaran (SRP) examination. Actually the years of my late teens up to early twenties are quite vague in my mind, too many bad memories, questionable actions, horrible mistakes etc that I have filed hastily away and covered with layers and layers of ‘distractions’.

Why then do I try to unpack these better left forgotten memories now? I don’t know. Maybe it’s facing yet another birthday and it makes me maudlin, or maybe I feel I am back to square one, back in that moment when I was so confuse and angry at the unstable state of my mind. It could be also that I am now stuck in limbo of not knowing which route to chose and have no clear idea where each routes going to take me and that means major changes, and changes is just not something I deal very well with. Anyone who knows me knows I am seriously anal about my habits, I have been doing things the same way for so long, I have kept wearing the same type of shoes for years, buying the same model and color year after year (if they last that long that is), it is not that I don’t change or evolve but every change is painful and takes me a long time to accept and adapt. So I guess in this limbo of indecision, maybe it is a good idea to trace back my route so far and maybe then the yellow brick road will reveal itself.

But then again what good would it do, rehashing stuff that is well left behind, I have dealt with it, learnt from it and grown, I still have a lot of growing to do, but these old memories might not be the best tool for it. I don’t know. I really wish sometimes I could look into the future and see clearly what is best to be done and what is best not done, but we’ve seen how well it turns out in the stories of people knowing their future. So I guess I just have to live one day at a time and deal with my confusion as I have always done it, taking one hesitant step after another with my love ones by my side.

Here’s to hoping this birthday depression will run its course quick and prove to me yet again that however depress I get my loved ones – friends and family included – will give me a memorable birthday. Here’s to my 34th, yeah. (If you could only hear the sarcastic tone, there, lol)


*A photo of me on the first day of my life.*

Missing and Needing

The other day, he and I had the sweetest conversation on Skype, but at the same time it was heartbreakingly sad. He was telling me how much he loves me but that leads to how much he is missing me and even though both of us know if we work at it someday we’ll find a way to be together, but the promise of someday pales, when we need each other now. It is really hard when you laugh and you know the other person would appreciate the joke and he is not there to share it, and telling it after the fact is just not the same.

I have actually been torturing myself today, listening to Lady Antebellum’s Need You Now, but it says exactly what I feel most of the time nowadays. I am not saying I am moping around all day missing him; I have distractions, daily life chores that keep me busy, but at the back of my mind he is always there, and I wonder if everyone in love feels that way or is my feelings amplified because he is so far away?

Well for now I guess I just have to plod along and hope life has better plan for us along the way, and maybe in the meanwhile I will find a way to better handle the misery of missing him so much.

I Got it Wrong, I think, Virgin is a Bad Word! :P

When I wrote Since When Virgin is a Bad Word, I really thought someone somewhere must have been confuse, but now I think I am the one confuse. Yesterday listening to Rihanna's Rude Boy I finally come to the conclusion that to someone in control of censoring stuff for the Malaysian public: virgin=bad ; sexual conduct(as long as the word sex is not mention anywhere)=good.

Why would I think that? It is the only reason I could come out with, because I refuse to believe anyone would be so stupid not to understand the innuendo in Rihanna's song and yet feel fit to bleep the word virgin in Train's Hey Soul Sister. I am not saying that censoring stuff is a good practice anyway, but hey if you want to do it, might as well do it right and be consistent about it.

Maybe I think too much, lol. If this bothers me so much. :)

Journey's End

at this point in time
i am tempted to end this journey of mine
the breakdowns and the road blocks
have come way too fast and too many to count
as i got through each one
however determined and resolved
i have become after a rest at the r & r
truth be told I am too tired to continue
however beautiful the view sometime
the journey is taking its toll on my soul

but looking at others' journey's end
i realise cutting a journey short
is the biggest mistake I could do
there is untold stories left
waiting along the road still
and though sometimes i traverse on it alone
but most of the time my journey collides with others
as others have collided with mine
and ending a journey before its time
leave too many journeys unfulfilled
'cause even when a journey ends
at its natural point
i still wonder what could have been
if ...


rya
14/07/10
9.39 a.m.

p.s : sis says this sounds too much like prose, hmmm, am I feeling too bad to fall into passing prose as poetry. I don't know, but nothing seems to work these days. Well another one to be corrected or thrown into the bin. There are just days...

As The Silence Deafen

Again the silence deafen
voiceless voices of recrimination
pinned me down
and I am now mute
too defeated to try
to answer back!

Will I ever find the will
to fight back
or is this the moment
I’ll never get up from?

Countless of battle won
and in the end
am I going to lose the war?

Questions with no answer found
as the silence deafen again.


rya
30/6/10
7.43 am

Limbo

The road ahead is unfamiliar territory
I don’t know the lay of the land
And as always I am afraid
Everyone think I am strong
But no one knows
How weak I am most times
How it terrifies me no end
To risk anything new
How I cry like a baby
Breathing in its first breath
So now I am frozen in fear
Not knowing where to go
Turning back is not an option
And moving forward scares me
The unknown beckons
And I don’t dare look it in the eye
Until courage come find me again
I’ll be frozen in this limbo
Of constant paranoid terror!

rya
7.43 pm
24 May 2010

Since When Virgin is a Bad Word?

I have always find Malaysian censorship board as a bit loopy. Well the things they decide to sensor or not are just ridiculous sometimes. And the underestimation of the Malaysian public's intelligence is just insulting.But since we have to live with 'em we have learn to accept it as the quirkiness that is Malaysia. Even though it is funny when u think one singer had to rerecord the word 'sex' to 'love' just so it could be played on the radio, but the song "I Want to Make you Sweat" is allowed in its full glory of implications just because the word sex was never mention.

But when I heard what the sensor did in the song 'Hey Soul Sister'by Train, I just got flabbergasted, I don't know in what world it is we live in if virgin is considered a bad word. Have a listen and hear the bleep in this line, "I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna".I can't imagine the discussion they would have had to rationalize that. It must have gone something like this:

A: Virgin is so a bad word, because it is related to sex, we don't want the teenager to think about sex, so let's bleep virgin out of this song.

B: (nods) Yes you are so right, it is a bad word. Let's bleep it.


Frightening isn't it? I don't think I'd want to live in a world where virgin is a bad word. ;)

To Love or Not to Love

When I was young, I often heard dad saying that if you are ever in a relationship, let the other person loves you more than you love him. It never made sense to me. I guess there's a logic to that, it helps you protect your heart. It will never put you in the position of you needing him more than he ever needs you.But like everything I do in life, I do love wholeheartedly. I can't just say right I love you and that is it. To say I lack love and it made me needy is just ain't true, I have been loved more than I deserve sometimes. Like when bro comes into my life, I have focus almost all my energy in making sure he is alright, that I give him all that he needs. And to his mortification he was all I talk about at work or with friends.

Now I have someone else in my life, well I can't say he is my first boyfriend, but he mights as well be coz the relationship I had before was so superficial, so I can say he is the first person to have the power to break my heart. The way I am going, I don't think I have heeded dad's advice, lol, at times I feel like I am so consume by the thought of him, a constant need to be in contact with him, and carrying around an ache to be with him, which is of course difficult, coz he being so far away. I know he loves me, I don't doubt that, but he seems better at functioning without me, it seems. I paid to play a game, which I swore i'd never do, and it helps me spend time with him however little contact we actually have. At times it seems the game is more important, lol, that he can do without me a few hours, but he can't miss out on his daily quest or be in that interesting raid. I admit it made me cried a few times being ignored or push aside for a game lol, and I guess that is the point of dad's advice, if the other person loves me more than I love him, I wouldn't be so affected,I wouldn't feel hurt. But I do, no matter how many time I try to reason it out, I just need to feel I matter I guess, and it is hard when I get ignored, or promises given, broken. But the thing is when he do spend time with me, even just to tell me what he did in the game, sharing his frustration, testing out his ideas, asking my opinion,I feel so happy, that it made up for all those time he is silently playing his game. I wonder if I'd feel this way if I get to see him every other day instead of only having him on skype chat. I guess that would put this relationship on a different dynamics.

Well I guess that is what I have to learn now, a new kind of compromise and finding balance in myself, learning to control a different kind of emotion and not to let myself drown in my own excessive need. But till then I guess I'll continue to sing this song from Lady Antebellum "Need You Now" and hope he hears it somehow. Coz the lyric really does say what I'm feeling right now.

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.

Lost

You are not worth anything
You don't deserve to be loved
You are a loser
You are a failure
You are trash
You are NOTHING!

Lord the voices
they are getting
LOUDER.

I don't think
I have the strength
to silence them
anymore.

I can feel myself
nodding to it
and asking
for help
to drown the voices
it is no use
coz no one see
that I have
lost my strength
that I won't
win this fight
anymore.

I know
I have
always
face this
alone
but Lord
I can't anymore
I am losing
the war
after so many
battles won.

Help!


rya
15 May 2010
11.58 pm