Limbo

The road ahead is unfamiliar territory
I don’t know the lay of the land
And as always I am afraid
Everyone think I am strong
But no one knows
How weak I am most times
How it terrifies me no end
To risk anything new
How I cry like a baby
Breathing in its first breath
So now I am frozen in fear
Not knowing where to go
Turning back is not an option
And moving forward scares me
The unknown beckons
And I don’t dare look it in the eye
Until courage come find me again
I’ll be frozen in this limbo
Of constant paranoid terror!

rya
7.43 pm
24 May 2010

Since When Virgin is a Bad Word?

I have always find Malaysian censorship board as a bit loopy. Well the things they decide to sensor or not are just ridiculous sometimes. And the underestimation of the Malaysian public's intelligence is just insulting.But since we have to live with 'em we have learn to accept it as the quirkiness that is Malaysia. Even though it is funny when u think one singer had to rerecord the word 'sex' to 'love' just so it could be played on the radio, but the song "I Want to Make you Sweat" is allowed in its full glory of implications just because the word sex was never mention.

But when I heard what the sensor did in the song 'Hey Soul Sister'by Train, I just got flabbergasted, I don't know in what world it is we live in if virgin is considered a bad word. Have a listen and hear the bleep in this line, "I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna".I can't imagine the discussion they would have had to rationalize that. It must have gone something like this:

A: Virgin is so a bad word, because it is related to sex, we don't want the teenager to think about sex, so let's bleep virgin out of this song.

B: (nods) Yes you are so right, it is a bad word. Let's bleep it.


Frightening isn't it? I don't think I'd want to live in a world where virgin is a bad word. ;)

To Love or Not to Love

When I was young, I often heard dad saying that if you are ever in a relationship, let the other person loves you more than you love him. It never made sense to me. I guess there's a logic to that, it helps you protect your heart. It will never put you in the position of you needing him more than he ever needs you.But like everything I do in life, I do love wholeheartedly. I can't just say right I love you and that is it. To say I lack love and it made me needy is just ain't true, I have been loved more than I deserve sometimes. Like when bro comes into my life, I have focus almost all my energy in making sure he is alright, that I give him all that he needs. And to his mortification he was all I talk about at work or with friends.

Now I have someone else in my life, well I can't say he is my first boyfriend, but he mights as well be coz the relationship I had before was so superficial, so I can say he is the first person to have the power to break my heart. The way I am going, I don't think I have heeded dad's advice, lol, at times I feel like I am so consume by the thought of him, a constant need to be in contact with him, and carrying around an ache to be with him, which is of course difficult, coz he being so far away. I know he loves me, I don't doubt that, but he seems better at functioning without me, it seems. I paid to play a game, which I swore i'd never do, and it helps me spend time with him however little contact we actually have. At times it seems the game is more important, lol, that he can do without me a few hours, but he can't miss out on his daily quest or be in that interesting raid. I admit it made me cried a few times being ignored or push aside for a game lol, and I guess that is the point of dad's advice, if the other person loves me more than I love him, I wouldn't be so affected,I wouldn't feel hurt. But I do, no matter how many time I try to reason it out, I just need to feel I matter I guess, and it is hard when I get ignored, or promises given, broken. But the thing is when he do spend time with me, even just to tell me what he did in the game, sharing his frustration, testing out his ideas, asking my opinion,I feel so happy, that it made up for all those time he is silently playing his game. I wonder if I'd feel this way if I get to see him every other day instead of only having him on skype chat. I guess that would put this relationship on a different dynamics.

Well I guess that is what I have to learn now, a new kind of compromise and finding balance in myself, learning to control a different kind of emotion and not to let myself drown in my own excessive need. But till then I guess I'll continue to sing this song from Lady Antebellum "Need You Now" and hope he hears it somehow. Coz the lyric really does say what I'm feeling right now.

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.

Lost

You are not worth anything
You don't deserve to be loved
You are a loser
You are a failure
You are trash
You are NOTHING!

Lord the voices
they are getting
LOUDER.

I don't think
I have the strength
to silence them
anymore.

I can feel myself
nodding to it
and asking
for help
to drown the voices
it is no use
coz no one see
that I have
lost my strength
that I won't
win this fight
anymore.

I know
I have
always
face this
alone
but Lord
I can't anymore
I am losing
the war
after so many
battles won.

Help!


rya
15 May 2010
11.58 pm

Love Hurts

Love hurts, never get that before, I do now. It doesn't matter what kind of love it is, whether for that special someone or for your family. Loving someone opens you up to an open wide chance of being hurt. I don't know why I let myself be vulnerable to this, I use to be protected, but it was lonely. Actually I am glad that I have let myself feel again, but when it hurts like today I wonder if it is worth all this pain.

There are words when said by the one you love can make you feel like a thousand knives twisting in you heart. I have always been vulnerable to dad's disapproval, and today was worse than any disapproval. I hate it when I feel like this.

It doesn't help that loving someone so far away makes me hurt everyday, missing him so much that it is no longer fun,it hurts!

So on all front right now love is hurting me, and all I want is for him to be here to take the hurt away!

Lol I sound like I am 5, but sometimes things are as simple and as complicated as when I was 5, I'd be happier. Well another day, gone by, another step! One day at a time I guess, Lord I hope the days in front are not as tough as now!

What a girl would do...

I never thought I'd be the kind of girl, who'd like something or do something, just because her man likes or does it. But then again I never had enough boyfriends to know whether I am or not, lol.

One of the things Phil and I have in common is that we both like to play online games, we met in a game apps on facebook, lol. But facebook games are free and easily accessible and learned and played. Lately though he has been spending more and more time away from facebook and more and more in World of Warcraft(WoW). Missing him so much, I finally gave in and bought it and paid the subscription, just so I could spend more time with him, lol, and not spend my time being jealous of a game (at times I think WoW as his other woman, lol).

It is a good game admittedly, engaging but very difficult to learn for me. But I think without him around I would have stopped playing after a few weeks, coz I get bored with stuff that is hard for me to master. But he is patient with me, teaching me, even though it should have been obvious, but I guess it amuses him watching me learn. There's nothing I like more than the time when we play together, just him and me, doing quest, dying at quest, and him telling me stuff, bout what he has learnt, and guiding me along, the game is more than fun then, it gives us this rare chance to connect as much as we could being a thousand miles apart. So I have been thinking of all the time together when it is just him and me and no other friends of his along for the quest as our dates, lol, coz since WoW came along and I was not playing it, he has been ending our Skype date short lol, but now when he is not busy with his main character, he come and spend time with me. So now when I hear Sugarland's Stay, it does not make me think of all the time Phil spend in WoW.

It is funny this relationship of mine, we have to create new ways to be together, most long distance relationship does not work, so I guess we have to keep thinking of unique ways to keep this relationship alive, till we can be together in real time, I guess dating in Thunder Bluff and all around the places in WoW will have to do. LOL

A Journey

I have always it seems taken the road less traveled by, I never learnt to chose the easier road and go where it takes me, but have a knack in me to turn where I shouldn't or cut through unknown or undiscovered path. It scares me always, it always made me feel like I am making the biggest mistake in my life, but so far it seem I am where I need to be. I am at such junctures again, and I think I have lose my courage to venture forth where no one has gone before. I am stuck there not knowing where to go, scared that any steps I make would be ruinous.

Oh Lord, again I ask for help, strength at least to take that first step and a guide or companion for the rest, I don't know what I have done with my life so far, has it meant anything to anyone, it seems right now I have managed to tangle it pretty badly so far. I know I have not taken anyone's hand or needed to for a long time to travel this lonely road, but right now I am too scared to go forth alone. I have made too many wrong choices alone, I guess I still need some guide, so I guess I'll wait here until I feel someone take my hand, squeeze it to give strength and hand in hand walk this road with me. I am not strong enough anymore to go through this journey alone. Hopefully wherever the road will takes me next will bring some peace to my troubled heart.

The Soundtrack of a Relationship

It has been nine months or so of our knowing each other, or that is what he tells me, lol, he counted, I didn't. Well it is nine wonderful months, I can tell you that, but it seems in that nine months we have accumulated quite a soundtrack if I ever want to turn this to a movie as teasing friend ask me to do, lol.

It started with a song, or at least a score of a classic song that he says he can hear as he read my knighthood journey in a thread I started on the KH forum. That was how we met, he snidely commenting my thread and then offering his friendship, and ever since that he has taken me on a whirlwind journey of wonder, he has that capacity to have fun whatever he is doing and he is reteaching me that.

As he starts to break down the wall I hold on anyone befriending me, I was protesting all the way. Sis could attest that I won't admit to what I am feeling, she keep trying to say that he is more of a friend, but my scared self would say, no, he is a very good friend. But to deny all my protest, Colbie Callait's song Falling for You keep playing on the radio, reminding my protesting heart how I really feel. Well you can't blame a girl who has been hurt so many time trying to protect her fragile heart, especially when there is no clear indication he likes her that way, lol.

But no denial could interfere when our eyes met,lol. It was like zing, he's the one. But even then, as we were so comfortable with each other, neither of us said a word. We were enjoying being together, but both I guess couldn't find the words or song yet to describe it to each other. I know I was shy, don't know about him, but I guess he was because it took him a day or two after he was home to ask. Even then he was fumbling with the words, lol, so cute.

Then the soundtrack really took of, lol. I kept listening to Train's Hey Soul Sister, and the lyrics " I knew I wouldn't forget you / and so I went and let you / blow my mind / your sweet moon beam / the smell of you in every / single dream i dream / I knew when we collided / you're the one I have decided / who's one of my kind " kind of say what I want to say. I send that to him. And he responded big time, lol. He sent me two songs, saying both remind him of me every time he listen to it. The first song was Dido's Don't Leave Home . When I listen to it, I had goose bumps lol. The song literally describes what I feel, and the chorus made me cry, " If you're cold / I'll keep you warm / If you're low just hold on / Cause I will be your safety / Oh don't leave home " because without asking he know at that moment I really needed to hear that.

The next song was Damien Rice's Cannonball. I'll just paste a bit of the lyric because it speaks for itself, lol.

" There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It’s still a little hard to say what's going on

There’s still a little bit of your ghost your witness
There’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can´t say what´s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
There’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can´t see what´s going on"

And when we talk to each other, especially discussing how we feel, it is smattered with song reference. Like when he told me he is looking for an equal partner and he'll say what he looks for in a relationship is like that line in Coldplay's Viva la Vida, " be my mirror, my sword and shield / my missionaries in a foreign field". And when I complain that he is spending too much time in WoW, I'd just quote Sugarland's Stay, lol. And when he tells me that I don't have to worry anymore and he says, "I'm yours". I can't help but hear Mraz singing that song, lol.

So I guess for nine months that is quite an impressive line of song, lol. What could we chose as our favourite, I guess only time would tell, the only song I wouldn't want to ever be in our soundtrack would be Kelly Clarkson's Already Gone, coz sometimes I fear it would. Well no maudlin thoughts allowed, he would get upset with me, lol. To end, I'd quote my favourite song For Life by Cliff Richard

Where do I start
How do I find
A way to explain how I'm feeling inside
These words could never be enough
To tell you just how much

I love you
With all that I am
And I need you
Please understand
From now on
Till the day that I die
You can be sure
That I'm in this love
For life

Dreams can come true
Just look at us
We've been given a chance from heaven above
With God's help we'll raise a family
And through the years you will see
I love you
More every day
I'll be with you every step of the way
From now on
Till the day that I die
You can be sure
That I'm in this love
For life

As the seasons change
Our love will remain strong
And I promise you
I promise you

I love you
More every day
I'll be with you
In the joy and the pain
From now on
Till the day that I die
You can be sure
That I'm in this love
For life
That I'm in this love
For life
That I'm in this love
For life

Memories of You

I still remember that smile
a quick smile as our glance met,
it still plays in my mind's eye
now that you are so far away,
I miss that smile.

The first time you held my hand,
it felt like you'd never let go,
but of course you did,
you had to go,
and now I miss that connection.

When you held me in your arms,
I felt safe after so long,
I wonder when I'd feel that again,
and as you said
I miss all this little things,
when in actual fact
I miss you
here
with me.

My head is in a mess with this questions

I am a mess, I still haven figured a way out of my present predicament and I have to add on new questions to my already messed up brain. I wrote something out as usual, it is horrible, but I just need to let it out. So toxin out....


Questions???

he says you are perfect for me
he says you are the one
he says it is like I have won the lottery
he says I love you
but
I can’t see the way we’d be together
you are there I am here
I can move there
but what can I do there
we can’t live on air
so in the end were we meant for do or die?

Remembering

What more could I ask,
he flew halfway round the world for me,
pulled out all the stops
just to be sure
he'd get there
and gave me the three best days of my life.

So if I am feeling a bit lonely today,
a bit bereft,
missing him so much,
I guess I kind of have to remember
I have gotten more than I could
ever imagine,
and that this agony
will make the next time
he comes to see me
so much better.

So holding on to the memories,
till we can make new ones,
and till then it is back
to Skype hugs and kisses.

The Human Connection

Ages ago, I wrote how Knighthood save me from tumbling down into the dark world of depression. The game is interesting, it keeps my mind off of things, but the main reason it helps is the human connection I made there. I don't know what makes it different from other facebook apps or games, that you tend to make really good friends. But knighthood is a real social game, you can't avoid making connections with other players as you play it.

I met some of the best people while making my way through the game, and gotten to know someone who has turn out to be one of the best friend that I have ever had. From the first hello, we sorta had a feeling that we have so much in common, his first YM, he was telling me that I was his game soul mate. As the months progress, the instant messaging was getting more frequent until it became a daily talk on Skype. We talked at first about Knighthood, but soon it was every topic under the sun, and basically we are so alike it was freaky. But finally, I found someone who understand how I feel deep down, and I don't really have to spell out stuff for him, LOL, Phil would know how I felt about things even if I just kept quiet, and that is rare, LOL, understanding stuff that is left unsaid is not a skill many man has.

He was always telling me that he'd come and visit me some day or asking me to come and visit him. But I have always taken that someday as part a long period of time or a dream unreachable for now, the day he told me he is actually coming to visit, I was so happy, I couldn't described the euphoria, and when words fail me, that is something, LOL. The anticipation kept me occupied and drove away all the dark clouds that was still hovering, but I was also nervous, meeting up for real is actually different from just chatting online, no matter how comfortable and close those chat makes us feel. But from the first smile and hug as he got off the plane, it was real comfortable, like we have known each other awhile, and thinking about it, we have, somehow the connection we made talking everyday was for real and when he came as he said, it was just a continuation of that, just putting a physical element to our relationship.

Now that i have had the best three days of my life, I have to remember to thank God for answering my prayers, I asked Him, a long time ago, to send someone apart from family that could give back meaning and purpose to my life and He did it in such a spectacular way, that it renewed my faith, LOL, He surely like to answer my prayers in a roundabout way, but when He answers He really answers, LOL.

Well I guess that is it, this is just to answer all those questions my friends are asking when I posted the photos for his visit, which was limited, lol, most of it was taken at the airport when he was flying back, because I brought Dad along, the family official photographer. Who knew a game would give me so much more than a moments enjoyment. Cheers!

Obsession

Each time it happens,
I vow I won't let myself be this pathetic,
I'd say I should not be so dependent
on a presence that is at best fleeting and virtual,
but somehow my heart won't let me be,
it doesn't matter,
that we have never met,
what we have shared made
meeting superfluous somehow,
but it is getting ridiculous
how low I feel,
the tears that fell for no reason,
the need to speak,
that it hurts so bad.
I think it has come to a point of obsession
an obsession I have no control over,
but having someone
whom I can talk to,
who can make me smile just by saying hello
who understands every single thing
I said or left unsaid
is so hard to give up.
But every time the silence cuts
deeper and deeper,
that I pray for the next
conversation,
the waiting is torturous,
and makes me wonder why?

Why do I feel this way?

Why do I need him so?

Why am I so pathetically obsess?!

Bubbles

It happens again,
as my my basket of bubbles,
seems to be bursting full of happiness,
the bubbles burst and scatters as the wind blows.

Here I go,
gathering the pieces back,
thinking why do I let it happen
again and again.

Why can't I just keep it together,
and not let others be in control
of my bubbles of happiness,
but then again,
bubbles are meant to burst,
till I can get
my bubbles to be pearls
I guess my basket still
have to travel far.

rya
4.55 pm
27 January 2010

Friendship

Friendship is a funny thing with me. All my life I have never made a friend. What do I mean, surely being the ripe old age of 33, i have friends right? Well what I am trying to say is I have never initiated anything, every one of my friends had to make the first move, I am so shy, that even saying hello to is quite a burden to me, and my dad made it difficult by moving so many times when I was young, imagine all the time I sit back timidly looking at all this new people tongue-tied and afraid. But somehow or other there will be that friendly kid who will come up and introduce herself and then introduce me to all her friends and before I can blink i be come a part of a groups and I have friends. I would like to say I outgrew this but this scenario continued up till I was working, even in my online game, people had to approach me first before I become comfortable enough to open up.

But the thing is once I made a friend, it is for life, I am fiercely loyal to them and tries to keep up my friendship as best I can. The only thing is it is very hard for me to have close friends, I keep a lot of things to myself, behind shields, so I guess that does not bode well for a closer friendship. So suffice to say I have many friends but very few close friends or bffs as the saying goes. So it amazed me that the friendship I made through an online game, has turned out to be the strongest and closest I have ever experienced in my life. I have never met this person, but I could understand how he feels as easily as he does me, we know each other so well, it is almost we could read each others mind. I don't know, maybe the medium of our communication, which kind of give a superficial immunity that made me so comfortable in opening up. The things I have told him, I would never in a million years share with friends I have known since young, but it is so easy to tell him stuff that I usually bottled up inside. I guess it is a blessing in a way, because at this point in my life I have no one in my life apart from family I could share certain things with, and lately given the kind of emotional state my sister is in, I have not dared share a lot of things with her, and it is never good to bottle up certain emotions. I have used blogs as a place to purge before, but it is not as satisfying as having someone who knows u listen and then giving their feedback. So I should say it is about time I found a good friend who can do that for me.

But now, I have noticed a certain kind of dependency, of constantly needing him to be around, and I don't think that is a fair demand on anyone. So I am trying so hard not to depend on him when I need to hash out certain things, but it is difficult, because just having him say hi and asking how are you make it all seem so much better. So I guess I need to learn to be more independent like I use to be and not let my needs ruin a really good friendship.

My Deepest Darkest Fear!

If my previous post was any indication, it is clear I am not feeling that good. Dark thoughts has been on my mind the whole day. I have tried and tried so hard to fight this, but honestly, I think each day, I am losing the battle and soon the war.

I just can't seem to see myself out of this darkness, and the two things that is holding me back are losing their grip on me. Listening to "If Tomorrow Never Comes" does not evoke that feeling of needing to be here for my love ones anymore, instead I am thinking if tomorrow never comes there would be bliss. I don't have to fight anymore, because I am so tired of the fight. My whole life has been about the fight, and I just can't find the strength to go on anymore.

Daily now, it has been a battle of not letting the ever present tears flow. I seem to be doing a good job of hiding it I guess, cause no one has noticed. Adik sees me sad sometimes, but each time it coincide with the time I couldn't talk to him. so she teases me instead. Oh God, if she only knew that I have lost the ability to be happy and that sadness has turn into despair and that I am thinking thoughts I have never thought of before, she'd be worried instead. But I hope these are just thoughts, cause I hope I find the strength somewhere to hold on. These storms will pass, they have to, it just seems right now it will never end. I just need to get through each day, and I know God will help me, somehow I will find my way back into the sunshine. But right now the darkness is a little too much to bear and the light seems too far away.

A friend told me what he fears most is that when God ask what his contributions was in his lifetime, that he wouldn't know how to answer that, made me think to myself, "What have I done in this life that made a different?" Have I touched anyone's life, did my existence means something? If tomorrow I decide to end it all, would my life has been a waste? Did I leave a ripple? Or would I just fade into oblivion and no traces of me anywhere? I don't know how this make me feel, actually. it should make me want for more time to at least leave a mark, but at this point, I don't really care, fading out sounds blissful. And that is what worried me the most, I have never come to this point before, not in my deepest despair, have I ever lost hope like this, so have I turn the point of no return? Lord, I hope not. But it is just too much to bear now, and I feel so alone, even surrounded by people who loves me and whom I know will be there for me even at the gates of hell, I still feel so alone!

So there, my deepest darkest fear is that in the end I won't be strong enough to face that final battle!

The Silence Deafen

The silence deafen again,
The silent recrimination runs through my head,
All the voices telling me
there's no way out!
I wish I could shut it out!
Coz the more I listen,
the more despair gets me!
And the only way out I see,
the only way to silent all these
painful voices,
is to end it swiftly
with a knife
or a crash
or the downing of a deadly subtance!
If only something could break this silence
So I don't have to hear
all these negativity
so that I can stop seeing
that only way out!
Coz that will be final
and not a finale
I would like, but
the silence deafen!


rya
14/01/10
4:44 pm

Life in the Touch N Go Lane.

Today as I was on my way to pick up Abang from school I got stuck for about 5 minutes or so behind a few cars in the Touch N Go lane at the toll. I was kinda wondering what was holding us up. What is the point of using Touch N Go and still you get stuck right? But it happens often enough. The toll where I have to past to go to Abang's school even the Smart Tag lane will get stuck. Well Malaysia Boleh!

But the thing is this remind me of so many times when really funny and sometimes idiotic incidents that happen in the Touch N Go lane. There was one time when Adik, Abang, and I was on our way back from Sunway we saw this elderly couple keep reversing and moving forward in the next lane. As we had to line up in our lane cause there's a few car in front of us, we got to see, what was happening. This couple I guess have never used the card, but have heard about how to go through Smart Tag lanes, so there they was waving the card about in their car and panicking because it seems not to work, so the uncle keeps backing out while yelling desperately to his wife to wave the card better. The catch was they were in the Touch N Go lane and even if they were in the Smart Tag lane, they didn't have the Smart Tag device. Well as we drove away as soon as I touch the card to the reader, we were hilariously laughing, I know it was bad of us, but it was too funny.

That incident was funny and for once it didn't affect me, but most other incidents do. There was one time I saw a car back out of one Touch N Go lane and entering the next one to it, so me in my infinite logic, deduced that there was someting wrong with that lane, so I neatly manouevered to follow that car in to the next lane. Big mistake, because the car kinda stop and I was wondering what is wrong now, then the driver open his window and tentatively wave a one Ringgit note in the air. I was like muttering expletive, thinking what kind of idiot who realise he made a mistake entering one Touch N Go lane and then make the same mistake. So needless to say, I had to risk accident that day to back out of the lane and let him reverse to go to the cash lane. I wish I could say this is a one time incident, but there has been many a time I have to do this dangerous manouever just because people were not careful enough to chose their lanes.

Well I can say that driving through many Touch N Go lanes, I have learned a lot about life in general, mostly it has taught me to have more patience and to be more careful in what lanes I chose, because you never know who would be driving the car in front of you! ;)

The Reason Why

I have thought about it long and hard,
Why do I like you so much?
Why do you make me happy?
And why without you I feel bereft and without hope?

You understand me,
I never have to tell you much,
You already know.
You listen to me,
I talk a lot, I know,
But you always listen,
No matter what.
You tell me your dreams,
And let me tell you mine,
You share your weakness,
And forgive me mine.
You give me strength,
You make me believe,
And most important of all,
You make me laugh!

These are the reasons why
Every time I see you
Everything is right in my world.

Same old, same old!

6 days into the new year, and I am feeling the same as I ever was. Sad, lonely, disappointed and lost. I have tried everything I know to get over this funk, but nothing seems to work, I have moments of happiness, moments that rely on others to make me forget for awhile. I call 'em my happy pills. But the problem is like any pills they get addictive and when you don't get them the withdrawal is awful, and that makes my funk worse until I get my next fix.

I don't know where this road is taking me, I have been trying so hard to get it on the track I know it should go, but it seems it has a mind of its own and it is dragging me unwillingly along. Oh God, I don't know what else to do, I know you have been sending me help, and I am grateful, but I am getting weaker by the day and I am praying for strength, the strength you have always send my way throughout my journey. I know that things will work out somehow in the end, but right now I am lost and can't see my way out even with all the guides you have send my way. Well I guess what I am trying to say is I am hoping for a way out and that I'll get through this storm like I did all others, that is with my head held high and fighting all the way!