I have always it seems taken the road less traveled by, I never learnt to chose the easier road and go where it takes me, but have a knack in me to turn where I shouldn't or cut through unknown or undiscovered path. It scares me always, it always made me feel like I am making the biggest mistake in my life, but so far it seem I am where I need to be. I am at such junctures again, and I think I have lose my courage to venture forth where no one has gone before. I am stuck there not knowing where to go, scared that any steps I make would be ruinous.
Oh Lord, again I ask for help, strength at least to take that first step and a guide or companion for the rest, I don't know what I have done with my life so far, has it meant anything to anyone, it seems right now I have managed to tangle it pretty badly so far. I know I have not taken anyone's hand or needed to for a long time to travel this lonely road, but right now I am too scared to go forth alone. I have made too many wrong choices alone, I guess I still need some guide, so I guess I'll wait here until I feel someone take my hand, squeeze it to give strength and hand in hand walk this road with me. I am not strong enough anymore to go through this journey alone. Hopefully wherever the road will takes me next will bring some peace to my troubled heart.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Sunday, March 21, 2010
The Soundtrack of a Relationship
It has been nine months or so of our knowing each other, or that is what he tells me, lol, he counted, I didn't. Well it is nine wonderful months, I can tell you that, but it seems in that nine months we have accumulated quite a soundtrack if I ever want to turn this to a movie as teasing friend ask me to do, lol.
It started with a song, or at least a score of a classic song that he says he can hear as he read my knighthood journey in a thread I started on the KH forum. That was how we met, he snidely commenting my thread and then offering his friendship, and ever since that he has taken me on a whirlwind journey of wonder, he has that capacity to have fun whatever he is doing and he is reteaching me that.
As he starts to break down the wall I hold on anyone befriending me, I was protesting all the way. Sis could attest that I won't admit to what I am feeling, she keep trying to say that he is more of a friend, but my scared self would say, no, he is a very good friend. But to deny all my protest, Colbie Callait's song Falling for You keep playing on the radio, reminding my protesting heart how I really feel. Well you can't blame a girl who has been hurt so many time trying to protect her fragile heart, especially when there is no clear indication he likes her that way, lol.
But no denial could interfere when our eyes met,lol. It was like zing, he's the one. But even then, as we were so comfortable with each other, neither of us said a word. We were enjoying being together, but both I guess couldn't find the words or song yet to describe it to each other. I know I was shy, don't know about him, but I guess he was because it took him a day or two after he was home to ask. Even then he was fumbling with the words, lol, so cute.
Then the soundtrack really took of, lol. I kept listening to Train's Hey Soul Sister, and the lyrics " I knew I wouldn't forget you / and so I went and let you / blow my mind / your sweet moon beam / the smell of you in every / single dream i dream / I knew when we collided / you're the one I have decided / who's one of my kind " kind of say what I want to say. I send that to him. And he responded big time, lol. He sent me two songs, saying both remind him of me every time he listen to it. The first song was Dido's Don't Leave Home . When I listen to it, I had goose bumps lol. The song literally describes what I feel, and the chorus made me cry, " If you're cold / I'll keep you warm / If you're low just hold on / Cause I will be your safety / Oh don't leave home " because without asking he know at that moment I really needed to hear that.
The next song was Damien Rice's Cannonball. I'll just paste a bit of the lyric because it speaks for itself, lol.
" There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It’s still a little hard to say what's going on
There’s still a little bit of your ghost your witness
There’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can´t say what´s going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
There’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can´t see what´s going on"
And when we talk to each other, especially discussing how we feel, it is smattered with song reference. Like when he told me he is looking for an equal partner and he'll say what he looks for in a relationship is like that line in Coldplay's Viva la Vida, " be my mirror, my sword and shield / my missionaries in a foreign field". And when I complain that he is spending too much time in WoW, I'd just quote Sugarland's Stay, lol. And when he tells me that I don't have to worry anymore and he says, "I'm yours". I can't help but hear Mraz singing that song, lol.
So I guess for nine months that is quite an impressive line of song, lol. What could we chose as our favourite, I guess only time would tell, the only song I wouldn't want to ever be in our soundtrack would be Kelly Clarkson's Already Gone, coz sometimes I fear it would. Well no maudlin thoughts allowed, he would get upset with me, lol. To end, I'd quote my favourite song For Life by Cliff Richard
Where do I start
How do I find
A way to explain how I'm feeling inside
These words could never be enough
To tell you just how much
I love you
With all that I am
And I need you
Please understand
From now on
Till the day that I die
You can be sure
That I'm in this love
For life
Dreams can come true
Just look at us
We've been given a chance from heaven above
With God's help we'll raise a family
And through the years you will see
I love you
More every day
I'll be with you every step of the way
From now on
Till the day that I die
You can be sure
That I'm in this love
For life
As the seasons change
Our love will remain strong
And I promise you
I promise you
I love you
More every day
I'll be with you
In the joy and the pain
From now on
Till the day that I die
You can be sure
That I'm in this love
For life
That I'm in this love
For life
That I'm in this love
For life
It started with a song, or at least a score of a classic song that he says he can hear as he read my knighthood journey in a thread I started on the KH forum. That was how we met, he snidely commenting my thread and then offering his friendship, and ever since that he has taken me on a whirlwind journey of wonder, he has that capacity to have fun whatever he is doing and he is reteaching me that.
As he starts to break down the wall I hold on anyone befriending me, I was protesting all the way. Sis could attest that I won't admit to what I am feeling, she keep trying to say that he is more of a friend, but my scared self would say, no, he is a very good friend. But to deny all my protest, Colbie Callait's song Falling for You keep playing on the radio, reminding my protesting heart how I really feel. Well you can't blame a girl who has been hurt so many time trying to protect her fragile heart, especially when there is no clear indication he likes her that way, lol.
But no denial could interfere when our eyes met,lol. It was like zing, he's the one. But even then, as we were so comfortable with each other, neither of us said a word. We were enjoying being together, but both I guess couldn't find the words or song yet to describe it to each other. I know I was shy, don't know about him, but I guess he was because it took him a day or two after he was home to ask. Even then he was fumbling with the words, lol, so cute.
Then the soundtrack really took of, lol. I kept listening to Train's Hey Soul Sister, and the lyrics " I knew I wouldn't forget you / and so I went and let you / blow my mind / your sweet moon beam / the smell of you in every / single dream i dream / I knew when we collided / you're the one I have decided / who's one of my kind " kind of say what I want to say. I send that to him. And he responded big time, lol. He sent me two songs, saying both remind him of me every time he listen to it. The first song was Dido's Don't Leave Home . When I listen to it, I had goose bumps lol. The song literally describes what I feel, and the chorus made me cry, " If you're cold / I'll keep you warm / If you're low just hold on / Cause I will be your safety / Oh don't leave home " because without asking he know at that moment I really needed to hear that.
The next song was Damien Rice's Cannonball. I'll just paste a bit of the lyric because it speaks for itself, lol.
" There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It’s still a little hard to say what's going on
There’s still a little bit of your ghost your witness
There’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can´t say what´s going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
There’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can´t see what´s going on"
And when we talk to each other, especially discussing how we feel, it is smattered with song reference. Like when he told me he is looking for an equal partner and he'll say what he looks for in a relationship is like that line in Coldplay's Viva la Vida, " be my mirror, my sword and shield / my missionaries in a foreign field". And when I complain that he is spending too much time in WoW, I'd just quote Sugarland's Stay, lol. And when he tells me that I don't have to worry anymore and he says, "I'm yours". I can't help but hear Mraz singing that song, lol.
So I guess for nine months that is quite an impressive line of song, lol. What could we chose as our favourite, I guess only time would tell, the only song I wouldn't want to ever be in our soundtrack would be Kelly Clarkson's Already Gone, coz sometimes I fear it would. Well no maudlin thoughts allowed, he would get upset with me, lol. To end, I'd quote my favourite song For Life by Cliff Richard
Where do I start
How do I find
A way to explain how I'm feeling inside
These words could never be enough
To tell you just how much
I love you
With all that I am
And I need you
Please understand
From now on
Till the day that I die
You can be sure
That I'm in this love
For life
Dreams can come true
Just look at us
We've been given a chance from heaven above
With God's help we'll raise a family
And through the years you will see
I love you
More every day
I'll be with you every step of the way
From now on
Till the day that I die
You can be sure
That I'm in this love
For life
As the seasons change
Our love will remain strong
And I promise you
I promise you
I love you
More every day
I'll be with you
In the joy and the pain
From now on
Till the day that I die
You can be sure
That I'm in this love
For life
That I'm in this love
For life
That I'm in this love
For life
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Memories of You
I still remember that smile
a quick smile as our glance met,
it still plays in my mind's eye
now that you are so far away,
I miss that smile.
The first time you held my hand,
it felt like you'd never let go,
but of course you did,
you had to go,
and now I miss that connection.
When you held me in your arms,
I felt safe after so long,
I wonder when I'd feel that again,
and as you said
I miss all this little things,
when in actual fact
I miss you
here
with me.
a quick smile as our glance met,
it still plays in my mind's eye
now that you are so far away,
I miss that smile.
The first time you held my hand,
it felt like you'd never let go,
but of course you did,
you had to go,
and now I miss that connection.
When you held me in your arms,
I felt safe after so long,
I wonder when I'd feel that again,
and as you said
I miss all this little things,
when in actual fact
I miss you
here
with me.
Monday, February 22, 2010
My head is in a mess with this questions
I am a mess, I still haven figured a way out of my present predicament and I have to add on new questions to my already messed up brain. I wrote something out as usual, it is horrible, but I just need to let it out. So toxin out....
Questions???
he says you are perfect for me
he says you are the one
he says it is like I have won the lottery
he says I love you
but
I can’t see the way we’d be together
you are there I am here
I can move there
but what can I do there
we can’t live on air
so in the end were we meant for do or die?
Questions???
he says you are perfect for me
he says you are the one
he says it is like I have won the lottery
he says I love you
but
I can’t see the way we’d be together
you are there I am here
I can move there
but what can I do there
we can’t live on air
so in the end were we meant for do or die?
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Remembering
What more could I ask,
he flew halfway round the world for me,
pulled out all the stops
just to be sure
he'd get there
and gave me the three best days of my life.
So if I am feeling a bit lonely today,
a bit bereft,
missing him so much,
I guess I kind of have to remember
I have gotten more than I could
ever imagine,
and that this agony
will make the next time
he comes to see me
so much better.
So holding on to the memories,
till we can make new ones,
and till then it is back
to Skype hugs and kisses.
he flew halfway round the world for me,
pulled out all the stops
just to be sure
he'd get there
and gave me the three best days of my life.
So if I am feeling a bit lonely today,
a bit bereft,
missing him so much,
I guess I kind of have to remember
I have gotten more than I could
ever imagine,
and that this agony
will make the next time
he comes to see me
so much better.
So holding on to the memories,
till we can make new ones,
and till then it is back
to Skype hugs and kisses.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
The Human Connection
Ages ago, I wrote how Knighthood save me from tumbling down into the dark world of depression. The game is interesting, it keeps my mind off of things, but the main reason it helps is the human connection I made there. I don't know what makes it different from other facebook apps or games, that you tend to make really good friends. But knighthood is a real social game, you can't avoid making connections with other players as you play it.
I met some of the best people while making my way through the game, and gotten to know someone who has turn out to be one of the best friend that I have ever had. From the first hello, we sorta had a feeling that we have so much in common, his first YM, he was telling me that I was his game soul mate. As the months progress, the instant messaging was getting more frequent until it became a daily talk on Skype. We talked at first about Knighthood, but soon it was every topic under the sun, and basically we are so alike it was freaky. But finally, I found someone who understand how I feel deep down, and I don't really have to spell out stuff for him, LOL, Phil would know how I felt about things even if I just kept quiet, and that is rare, LOL, understanding stuff that is left unsaid is not a skill many man has.
He was always telling me that he'd come and visit me some day or asking me to come and visit him. But I have always taken that someday as part a long period of time or a dream unreachable for now, the day he told me he is actually coming to visit, I was so happy, I couldn't described the euphoria, and when words fail me, that is something, LOL. The anticipation kept me occupied and drove away all the dark clouds that was still hovering, but I was also nervous, meeting up for real is actually different from just chatting online, no matter how comfortable and close those chat makes us feel. But from the first smile and hug as he got off the plane, it was real comfortable, like we have known each other awhile, and thinking about it, we have, somehow the connection we made talking everyday was for real and when he came as he said, it was just a continuation of that, just putting a physical element to our relationship.
Now that i have had the best three days of my life, I have to remember to thank God for answering my prayers, I asked Him, a long time ago, to send someone apart from family that could give back meaning and purpose to my life and He did it in such a spectacular way, that it renewed my faith, LOL, He surely like to answer my prayers in a roundabout way, but when He answers He really answers, LOL.
Well I guess that is it, this is just to answer all those questions my friends are asking when I posted the photos for his visit, which was limited, lol, most of it was taken at the airport when he was flying back, because I brought Dad along, the family official photographer. Who knew a game would give me so much more than a moments enjoyment. Cheers!
I met some of the best people while making my way through the game, and gotten to know someone who has turn out to be one of the best friend that I have ever had. From the first hello, we sorta had a feeling that we have so much in common, his first YM, he was telling me that I was his game soul mate. As the months progress, the instant messaging was getting more frequent until it became a daily talk on Skype. We talked at first about Knighthood, but soon it was every topic under the sun, and basically we are so alike it was freaky. But finally, I found someone who understand how I feel deep down, and I don't really have to spell out stuff for him, LOL, Phil would know how I felt about things even if I just kept quiet, and that is rare, LOL, understanding stuff that is left unsaid is not a skill many man has.
He was always telling me that he'd come and visit me some day or asking me to come and visit him. But I have always taken that someday as part a long period of time or a dream unreachable for now, the day he told me he is actually coming to visit, I was so happy, I couldn't described the euphoria, and when words fail me, that is something, LOL. The anticipation kept me occupied and drove away all the dark clouds that was still hovering, but I was also nervous, meeting up for real is actually different from just chatting online, no matter how comfortable and close those chat makes us feel. But from the first smile and hug as he got off the plane, it was real comfortable, like we have known each other awhile, and thinking about it, we have, somehow the connection we made talking everyday was for real and when he came as he said, it was just a continuation of that, just putting a physical element to our relationship.
Now that i have had the best three days of my life, I have to remember to thank God for answering my prayers, I asked Him, a long time ago, to send someone apart from family that could give back meaning and purpose to my life and He did it in such a spectacular way, that it renewed my faith, LOL, He surely like to answer my prayers in a roundabout way, but when He answers He really answers, LOL.
Well I guess that is it, this is just to answer all those questions my friends are asking when I posted the photos for his visit, which was limited, lol, most of it was taken at the airport when he was flying back, because I brought Dad along, the family official photographer. Who knew a game would give me so much more than a moments enjoyment. Cheers!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Obsession
Each time it happens,
I vow I won't let myself be this pathetic,
I'd say I should not be so dependent
on a presence that is at best fleeting and virtual,
but somehow my heart won't let me be,
it doesn't matter,
that we have never met,
what we have shared made
meeting superfluous somehow,
but it is getting ridiculous
how low I feel,
the tears that fell for no reason,
the need to speak,
that it hurts so bad.
I think it has come to a point of obsession
an obsession I have no control over,
but having someone
whom I can talk to,
who can make me smile just by saying hello
who understands every single thing
I said or left unsaid
is so hard to give up.
But every time the silence cuts
deeper and deeper,
that I pray for the next
conversation,
the waiting is torturous,
and makes me wonder why?
Why do I feel this way?
Why do I need him so?
Why am I so pathetically obsess?!
I vow I won't let myself be this pathetic,
I'd say I should not be so dependent
on a presence that is at best fleeting and virtual,
but somehow my heart won't let me be,
it doesn't matter,
that we have never met,
what we have shared made
meeting superfluous somehow,
but it is getting ridiculous
how low I feel,
the tears that fell for no reason,
the need to speak,
that it hurts so bad.
I think it has come to a point of obsession
an obsession I have no control over,
but having someone
whom I can talk to,
who can make me smile just by saying hello
who understands every single thing
I said or left unsaid
is so hard to give up.
But every time the silence cuts
deeper and deeper,
that I pray for the next
conversation,
the waiting is torturous,
and makes me wonder why?
Why do I feel this way?
Why do I need him so?
Why am I so pathetically obsess?!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Bubbles
It happens again,
as my my basket of bubbles,
seems to be bursting full of happiness,
the bubbles burst and scatters as the wind blows.
Here I go,
gathering the pieces back,
thinking why do I let it happen
again and again.
Why can't I just keep it together,
and not let others be in control
of my bubbles of happiness,
but then again,
bubbles are meant to burst,
till I can get
my bubbles to be pearls
I guess my basket still
have to travel far.
rya
4.55 pm
27 January 2010
as my my basket of bubbles,
seems to be bursting full of happiness,
the bubbles burst and scatters as the wind blows.
Here I go,
gathering the pieces back,
thinking why do I let it happen
again and again.
Why can't I just keep it together,
and not let others be in control
of my bubbles of happiness,
but then again,
bubbles are meant to burst,
till I can get
my bubbles to be pearls
I guess my basket still
have to travel far.
rya
4.55 pm
27 January 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Friendship
Friendship is a funny thing with me. All my life I have never made a friend. What do I mean, surely being the ripe old age of 33, i have friends right? Well what I am trying to say is I have never initiated anything, every one of my friends had to make the first move, I am so shy, that even saying hello to is quite a burden to me, and my dad made it difficult by moving so many times when I was young, imagine all the time I sit back timidly looking at all this new people tongue-tied and afraid. But somehow or other there will be that friendly kid who will come up and introduce herself and then introduce me to all her friends and before I can blink i be come a part of a groups and I have friends. I would like to say I outgrew this but this scenario continued up till I was working, even in my online game, people had to approach me first before I become comfortable enough to open up.
But the thing is once I made a friend, it is for life, I am fiercely loyal to them and tries to keep up my friendship as best I can. The only thing is it is very hard for me to have close friends, I keep a lot of things to myself, behind shields, so I guess that does not bode well for a closer friendship. So suffice to say I have many friends but very few close friends or bffs as the saying goes. So it amazed me that the friendship I made through an online game, has turned out to be the strongest and closest I have ever experienced in my life. I have never met this person, but I could understand how he feels as easily as he does me, we know each other so well, it is almost we could read each others mind. I don't know, maybe the medium of our communication, which kind of give a superficial immunity that made me so comfortable in opening up. The things I have told him, I would never in a million years share with friends I have known since young, but it is so easy to tell him stuff that I usually bottled up inside. I guess it is a blessing in a way, because at this point in my life I have no one in my life apart from family I could share certain things with, and lately given the kind of emotional state my sister is in, I have not dared share a lot of things with her, and it is never good to bottle up certain emotions. I have used blogs as a place to purge before, but it is not as satisfying as having someone who knows u listen and then giving their feedback. So I should say it is about time I found a good friend who can do that for me.
But now, I have noticed a certain kind of dependency, of constantly needing him to be around, and I don't think that is a fair demand on anyone. So I am trying so hard not to depend on him when I need to hash out certain things, but it is difficult, because just having him say hi and asking how are you make it all seem so much better. So I guess I need to learn to be more independent like I use to be and not let my needs ruin a really good friendship.
But the thing is once I made a friend, it is for life, I am fiercely loyal to them and tries to keep up my friendship as best I can. The only thing is it is very hard for me to have close friends, I keep a lot of things to myself, behind shields, so I guess that does not bode well for a closer friendship. So suffice to say I have many friends but very few close friends or bffs as the saying goes. So it amazed me that the friendship I made through an online game, has turned out to be the strongest and closest I have ever experienced in my life. I have never met this person, but I could understand how he feels as easily as he does me, we know each other so well, it is almost we could read each others mind. I don't know, maybe the medium of our communication, which kind of give a superficial immunity that made me so comfortable in opening up. The things I have told him, I would never in a million years share with friends I have known since young, but it is so easy to tell him stuff that I usually bottled up inside. I guess it is a blessing in a way, because at this point in my life I have no one in my life apart from family I could share certain things with, and lately given the kind of emotional state my sister is in, I have not dared share a lot of things with her, and it is never good to bottle up certain emotions. I have used blogs as a place to purge before, but it is not as satisfying as having someone who knows u listen and then giving their feedback. So I should say it is about time I found a good friend who can do that for me.
But now, I have noticed a certain kind of dependency, of constantly needing him to be around, and I don't think that is a fair demand on anyone. So I am trying so hard not to depend on him when I need to hash out certain things, but it is difficult, because just having him say hi and asking how are you make it all seem so much better. So I guess I need to learn to be more independent like I use to be and not let my needs ruin a really good friendship.
Friday, January 15, 2010
My Deepest Darkest Fear!
If my previous post was any indication, it is clear I am not feeling that good. Dark thoughts has been on my mind the whole day. I have tried and tried so hard to fight this, but honestly, I think each day, I am losing the battle and soon the war.
I just can't seem to see myself out of this darkness, and the two things that is holding me back are losing their grip on me. Listening to "If Tomorrow Never Comes" does not evoke that feeling of needing to be here for my love ones anymore, instead I am thinking if tomorrow never comes there would be bliss. I don't have to fight anymore, because I am so tired of the fight. My whole life has been about the fight, and I just can't find the strength to go on anymore.
Daily now, it has been a battle of not letting the ever present tears flow. I seem to be doing a good job of hiding it I guess, cause no one has noticed. Adik sees me sad sometimes, but each time it coincide with the time I couldn't talk to him. so she teases me instead. Oh God, if she only knew that I have lost the ability to be happy and that sadness has turn into despair and that I am thinking thoughts I have never thought of before, she'd be worried instead. But I hope these are just thoughts, cause I hope I find the strength somewhere to hold on. These storms will pass, they have to, it just seems right now it will never end. I just need to get through each day, and I know God will help me, somehow I will find my way back into the sunshine. But right now the darkness is a little too much to bear and the light seems too far away.
A friend told me what he fears most is that when God ask what his contributions was in his lifetime, that he wouldn't know how to answer that, made me think to myself, "What have I done in this life that made a different?" Have I touched anyone's life, did my existence means something? If tomorrow I decide to end it all, would my life has been a waste? Did I leave a ripple? Or would I just fade into oblivion and no traces of me anywhere? I don't know how this make me feel, actually. it should make me want for more time to at least leave a mark, but at this point, I don't really care, fading out sounds blissful. And that is what worried me the most, I have never come to this point before, not in my deepest despair, have I ever lost hope like this, so have I turn the point of no return? Lord, I hope not. But it is just too much to bear now, and I feel so alone, even surrounded by people who loves me and whom I know will be there for me even at the gates of hell, I still feel so alone!
So there, my deepest darkest fear is that in the end I won't be strong enough to face that final battle!
I just can't seem to see myself out of this darkness, and the two things that is holding me back are losing their grip on me. Listening to "If Tomorrow Never Comes" does not evoke that feeling of needing to be here for my love ones anymore, instead I am thinking if tomorrow never comes there would be bliss. I don't have to fight anymore, because I am so tired of the fight. My whole life has been about the fight, and I just can't find the strength to go on anymore.
Daily now, it has been a battle of not letting the ever present tears flow. I seem to be doing a good job of hiding it I guess, cause no one has noticed. Adik sees me sad sometimes, but each time it coincide with the time I couldn't talk to him. so she teases me instead. Oh God, if she only knew that I have lost the ability to be happy and that sadness has turn into despair and that I am thinking thoughts I have never thought of before, she'd be worried instead. But I hope these are just thoughts, cause I hope I find the strength somewhere to hold on. These storms will pass, they have to, it just seems right now it will never end. I just need to get through each day, and I know God will help me, somehow I will find my way back into the sunshine. But right now the darkness is a little too much to bear and the light seems too far away.
A friend told me what he fears most is that when God ask what his contributions was in his lifetime, that he wouldn't know how to answer that, made me think to myself, "What have I done in this life that made a different?" Have I touched anyone's life, did my existence means something? If tomorrow I decide to end it all, would my life has been a waste? Did I leave a ripple? Or would I just fade into oblivion and no traces of me anywhere? I don't know how this make me feel, actually. it should make me want for more time to at least leave a mark, but at this point, I don't really care, fading out sounds blissful. And that is what worried me the most, I have never come to this point before, not in my deepest despair, have I ever lost hope like this, so have I turn the point of no return? Lord, I hope not. But it is just too much to bear now, and I feel so alone, even surrounded by people who loves me and whom I know will be there for me even at the gates of hell, I still feel so alone!
So there, my deepest darkest fear is that in the end I won't be strong enough to face that final battle!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
The Silence Deafen
The silence deafen again,
The silent recrimination runs through my head,
All the voices telling me
there's no way out!
I wish I could shut it out!
Coz the more I listen,
the more despair gets me!
And the only way out I see,
the only way to silent all these
painful voices,
is to end it swiftly
with a knife
or a crash
or the downing of a deadly subtance!
If only something could break this silence
So I don't have to hear
all these negativity
so that I can stop seeing
that only way out!
Coz that will be final
and not a finale
I would like, but
the silence deafen!
rya
14/01/10
4:44 pm
The silent recrimination runs through my head,
All the voices telling me
there's no way out!
I wish I could shut it out!
Coz the more I listen,
the more despair gets me!
And the only way out I see,
the only way to silent all these
painful voices,
is to end it swiftly
with a knife
or a crash
or the downing of a deadly subtance!
If only something could break this silence
So I don't have to hear
all these negativity
so that I can stop seeing
that only way out!
Coz that will be final
and not a finale
I would like, but
the silence deafen!
rya
14/01/10
4:44 pm
Monday, January 11, 2010
Life in the Touch N Go Lane.
Today as I was on my way to pick up Abang from school I got stuck for about 5 minutes or so behind a few cars in the Touch N Go lane at the toll. I was kinda wondering what was holding us up. What is the point of using Touch N Go and still you get stuck right? But it happens often enough. The toll where I have to past to go to Abang's school even the Smart Tag lane will get stuck. Well Malaysia Boleh!
But the thing is this remind me of so many times when really funny and sometimes idiotic incidents that happen in the Touch N Go lane. There was one time when Adik, Abang, and I was on our way back from Sunway we saw this elderly couple keep reversing and moving forward in the next lane. As we had to line up in our lane cause there's a few car in front of us, we got to see, what was happening. This couple I guess have never used the card, but have heard about how to go through Smart Tag lanes, so there they was waving the card about in their car and panicking because it seems not to work, so the uncle keeps backing out while yelling desperately to his wife to wave the card better. The catch was they were in the Touch N Go lane and even if they were in the Smart Tag lane, they didn't have the Smart Tag device. Well as we drove away as soon as I touch the card to the reader, we were hilariously laughing, I know it was bad of us, but it was too funny.
That incident was funny and for once it didn't affect me, but most other incidents do. There was one time I saw a car back out of one Touch N Go lane and entering the next one to it, so me in my infinite logic, deduced that there was someting wrong with that lane, so I neatly manouevered to follow that car in to the next lane. Big mistake, because the car kinda stop and I was wondering what is wrong now, then the driver open his window and tentatively wave a one Ringgit note in the air. I was like muttering expletive, thinking what kind of idiot who realise he made a mistake entering one Touch N Go lane and then make the same mistake. So needless to say, I had to risk accident that day to back out of the lane and let him reverse to go to the cash lane. I wish I could say this is a one time incident, but there has been many a time I have to do this dangerous manouever just because people were not careful enough to chose their lanes.
Well I can say that driving through many Touch N Go lanes, I have learned a lot about life in general, mostly it has taught me to have more patience and to be more careful in what lanes I chose, because you never know who would be driving the car in front of you! ;)
But the thing is this remind me of so many times when really funny and sometimes idiotic incidents that happen in the Touch N Go lane. There was one time when Adik, Abang, and I was on our way back from Sunway we saw this elderly couple keep reversing and moving forward in the next lane. As we had to line up in our lane cause there's a few car in front of us, we got to see, what was happening. This couple I guess have never used the card, but have heard about how to go through Smart Tag lanes, so there they was waving the card about in their car and panicking because it seems not to work, so the uncle keeps backing out while yelling desperately to his wife to wave the card better. The catch was they were in the Touch N Go lane and even if they were in the Smart Tag lane, they didn't have the Smart Tag device. Well as we drove away as soon as I touch the card to the reader, we were hilariously laughing, I know it was bad of us, but it was too funny.
That incident was funny and for once it didn't affect me, but most other incidents do. There was one time I saw a car back out of one Touch N Go lane and entering the next one to it, so me in my infinite logic, deduced that there was someting wrong with that lane, so I neatly manouevered to follow that car in to the next lane. Big mistake, because the car kinda stop and I was wondering what is wrong now, then the driver open his window and tentatively wave a one Ringgit note in the air. I was like muttering expletive, thinking what kind of idiot who realise he made a mistake entering one Touch N Go lane and then make the same mistake. So needless to say, I had to risk accident that day to back out of the lane and let him reverse to go to the cash lane. I wish I could say this is a one time incident, but there has been many a time I have to do this dangerous manouever just because people were not careful enough to chose their lanes.
Well I can say that driving through many Touch N Go lanes, I have learned a lot about life in general, mostly it has taught me to have more patience and to be more careful in what lanes I chose, because you never know who would be driving the car in front of you! ;)
Thursday, January 7, 2010
The Reason Why
I have thought about it long and hard,
Why do I like you so much?
Why do you make me happy?
And why without you I feel bereft and without hope?
You understand me,
I never have to tell you much,
You already know.
You listen to me,
I talk a lot, I know,
But you always listen,
No matter what.
You tell me your dreams,
And let me tell you mine,
You share your weakness,
And forgive me mine.
You give me strength,
You make me believe,
And most important of all,
You make me laugh!
These are the reasons why
Every time I see you
Everything is right in my world.
Why do I like you so much?
Why do you make me happy?
And why without you I feel bereft and without hope?
You understand me,
I never have to tell you much,
You already know.
You listen to me,
I talk a lot, I know,
But you always listen,
No matter what.
You tell me your dreams,
And let me tell you mine,
You share your weakness,
And forgive me mine.
You give me strength,
You make me believe,
And most important of all,
You make me laugh!
These are the reasons why
Every time I see you
Everything is right in my world.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Same old, same old!
6 days into the new year, and I am feeling the same as I ever was. Sad, lonely, disappointed and lost. I have tried everything I know to get over this funk, but nothing seems to work, I have moments of happiness, moments that rely on others to make me forget for awhile. I call 'em my happy pills. But the problem is like any pills they get addictive and when you don't get them the withdrawal is awful, and that makes my funk worse until I get my next fix.
I don't know where this road is taking me, I have been trying so hard to get it on the track I know it should go, but it seems it has a mind of its own and it is dragging me unwillingly along. Oh God, I don't know what else to do, I know you have been sending me help, and I am grateful, but I am getting weaker by the day and I am praying for strength, the strength you have always send my way throughout my journey. I know that things will work out somehow in the end, but right now I am lost and can't see my way out even with all the guides you have send my way. Well I guess what I am trying to say is I am hoping for a way out and that I'll get through this storm like I did all others, that is with my head held high and fighting all the way!
I don't know where this road is taking me, I have been trying so hard to get it on the track I know it should go, but it seems it has a mind of its own and it is dragging me unwillingly along. Oh God, I don't know what else to do, I know you have been sending me help, and I am grateful, but I am getting weaker by the day and I am praying for strength, the strength you have always send my way throughout my journey. I know that things will work out somehow in the end, but right now I am lost and can't see my way out even with all the guides you have send my way. Well I guess what I am trying to say is I am hoping for a way out and that I'll get through this storm like I did all others, that is with my head held high and fighting all the way!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Waiting to be Loved
I haven't posted in any of my blogs for quite a while now. Had a bad case of writer's block. Today as I try to learn to sing Sugarland's Stay , it moved me to write something. I turn 33 a few months ago, but my life is still unchange, still single, still living with parents, still wondering if I'd ever find a guy to love me for who I am, with all my flaws.
Listening to this song made me cry, I think any woman would, the voice of the singer alone is that evocative, let alone what the song is saying. But as I kept on listening, I can't help but think to myself, that for now I don't mine sharing a man to love, 'cause I have come to that point I am lonely enough that I'll take any crumbs I could get. Just to have someone loves me at this point is enough, God, I never knew, I could be this pathetic.
But then again, I grew up watching mom shares dad with so many others. I once jokingly said to a friend that I don't mind sharing, as long as the guy don't lie to me. He can have any other girl and me along as long as he tells me. The friend ask me if I have no self worth, don't I value myself enough? But that is just it, I know my own strength that I know it is something I can live with, not that it won't hurt, it'll hurt, but I have waited so long, that I know if that compromise is needed I am ready to do it.
So, when I was growing up, dreaming up my prince charming, I'd never think that one day I'd be willing to consider a prince charming with a princess already in his arm!
Listening to this song made me cry, I think any woman would, the voice of the singer alone is that evocative, let alone what the song is saying. But as I kept on listening, I can't help but think to myself, that for now I don't mine sharing a man to love, 'cause I have come to that point I am lonely enough that I'll take any crumbs I could get. Just to have someone loves me at this point is enough, God, I never knew, I could be this pathetic.
But then again, I grew up watching mom shares dad with so many others. I once jokingly said to a friend that I don't mind sharing, as long as the guy don't lie to me. He can have any other girl and me along as long as he tells me. The friend ask me if I have no self worth, don't I value myself enough? But that is just it, I know my own strength that I know it is something I can live with, not that it won't hurt, it'll hurt, but I have waited so long, that I know if that compromise is needed I am ready to do it.
So, when I was growing up, dreaming up my prince charming, I'd never think that one day I'd be willing to consider a prince charming with a princess already in his arm!
Sunday, September 6, 2009
I am 33
Thirty three I’ll be tomorrow,
Feels like I am still three,
Still daddy’s little girl,
Nothing change too much,
Had my heart broken,
Been in some rough and tumble,
But basically still that same
Silly girl I was,
Had problem letting go,
Stubborn as hell,
And a penchant for trouble.
God I wish I could change,
Have someone to love
And love me back
Nurture a life
And basically grow,
Hate being this cared for bonsai
Stunted and trying to grow
But can’t!
rya
6/9/09
4.28 pm
Feels like I am still three,
Still daddy’s little girl,
Nothing change too much,
Had my heart broken,
Been in some rough and tumble,
But basically still that same
Silly girl I was,
Had problem letting go,
Stubborn as hell,
And a penchant for trouble.
God I wish I could change,
Have someone to love
And love me back
Nurture a life
And basically grow,
Hate being this cared for bonsai
Stunted and trying to grow
But can’t!
rya
6/9/09
4.28 pm
Friday, July 24, 2009
I love You and I Miss You!
The first hello
Was polite and sweet
Our first conversation
Was stilted and awkward
But soon u were finishing my sentences
And I yours.
Never a day gone by
Without at least a hello, how are u doing?
And soon, an ‘I miss you,’
It was sweet while it lasted
Twin souls colliding in accidental
Universe coincidence,
But who would have thought that
Short good bye and see you again next week,
Turn to months of silence,
I didn’t even say goodbye,
Just told you to have fun and come back soon,
Will be missing you a bunch,
And now
What do I do
With my breaking heart?
Will you ever come back
And stop this aching pain?
rya,
24/07/09
5.00 pm
Was polite and sweet
Our first conversation
Was stilted and awkward
But soon u were finishing my sentences
And I yours.
Never a day gone by
Without at least a hello, how are u doing?
And soon, an ‘I miss you,’
It was sweet while it lasted
Twin souls colliding in accidental
Universe coincidence,
But who would have thought that
Short good bye and see you again next week,
Turn to months of silence,
I didn’t even say goodbye,
Just told you to have fun and come back soon,
Will be missing you a bunch,
And now
What do I do
With my breaking heart?
Will you ever come back
And stop this aching pain?
rya,
24/07/09
5.00 pm
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Missing
I don’t know what else I can say, I have written I miss you, I have asked around after you. Still there is no sign of you anywhere. I received invites from other people to join them every day, even close friends are wondering why I still stay with you, when you have been gone a while now.
God, where could you be?
What kind of trouble are you in?
I have been so worried about you, and I miss you so badly, I don’t know I could miss anyone this much. There are days, I can’t stop crying, just thinking about you. I can’t understand why you have become so important in my life. We have never met. We have never exchanged more than basic info, on your part at least, I have told you my life from A-Z I think.
But it hurts so much that you are not around. I dream of you, I think of you, and I cry because of you. Is this love?
Both my sisters think so, my brother thinks so, but I am trying to deny it, because in my hearts of heart, I know if I admit it, I’d be lost, I don’t think I can fight and soon I would give up and I don’t want to give up yet.
Oh, I pray to God every day for your return, for your safety, and I hope at least to get to hear you say goodbye. At least there will be closure. And I can move on, once and for all, rather than be in this limbo of not knowing.
God, where could you be?
What kind of trouble are you in?
I have been so worried about you, and I miss you so badly, I don’t know I could miss anyone this much. There are days, I can’t stop crying, just thinking about you. I can’t understand why you have become so important in my life. We have never met. We have never exchanged more than basic info, on your part at least, I have told you my life from A-Z I think.
But it hurts so much that you are not around. I dream of you, I think of you, and I cry because of you. Is this love?
Both my sisters think so, my brother thinks so, but I am trying to deny it, because in my hearts of heart, I know if I admit it, I’d be lost, I don’t think I can fight and soon I would give up and I don’t want to give up yet.
Oh, I pray to God every day for your return, for your safety, and I hope at least to get to hear you say goodbye. At least there will be closure. And I can move on, once and for all, rather than be in this limbo of not knowing.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Sad
I have been so sad lately. I have been without my happy juice for nearly a month now. God! I don't know what happened to him. He told us one day that he was going on a short holiday and will be back on Monday, and it has been 4 Mondays already and I haven't seen any sign of him. I have been so worried, and it seems he lost contact or been out of contact from everyone else also, even his friends.I miss him, and I have needed to talk to him so badly these past few days. God, you brought him to me, bring him back! I need...
On another point of sadness, yesterday I watch MJ's tribute and it made me cry especially when his daugther tearily spoke. He has always been one of my favourite and losing him affected me, I grew up listening and watching MJ and his songs has inspired me to be a better person. I hope he is at peace now, and is where he should be, I will miss him.
My tears has been well used up this past month, I hope I'll be smiling soon!
On another point of sadness, yesterday I watch MJ's tribute and it made me cry especially when his daugther tearily spoke. He has always been one of my favourite and losing him affected me, I grew up listening and watching MJ and his songs has inspired me to be a better person. I hope he is at peace now, and is where he should be, I will miss him.
My tears has been well used up this past month, I hope I'll be smiling soon!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
To my Oldest Best Friend
Today is father’s day, so I am going to talk about my oldest best friend, my beloved Daddy!
My daddy has always been a central figure for me, for some reason he makes me feel safe and loved always. Mum is there for comfort, for pampering, and for all the things that mothers do, which I have said in other posts. But Dad is for special things, it was dad who carried me all over our little village, upside down holding by my little ankles and me giggling having the time of my life, I was but a toddler then but I remember that view of looking at the world upside-down, I guess that is why I still view it upside-down.
It was with dad, I got all red, sunburned, following him fishing by the big muddy Pahang River.
It was with dad I learned how to turn a tight pipe with a little ingenuity, that started me on a lifelong mission of turning into little Ms Mcguyver.
It was dad who never ever picked me up when I fall, teaching me since young to stand on my own two feet and to get up on my own when I fall.
It was dad who told me to punch back the boy who punched me, so that no other boy could do that to me again ever.
It was dad that I turn to when I was confuse, it was him that I need comforting from when I am hurt, and when I falter in my journey it was dad I will look for.
He is everything to me, my daddy, my confidant, my best friend, my protector, my doctor, my counselor, my partner in crime (LOL) and each year as I watch him grow older I fear for the day that I will not have my dad by my side. I dread the day when I actually have to stand up again without him behind there watching me with pride in his eyes.
I LOVE YOU DADDY!
My daddy has always been a central figure for me, for some reason he makes me feel safe and loved always. Mum is there for comfort, for pampering, and for all the things that mothers do, which I have said in other posts. But Dad is for special things, it was dad who carried me all over our little village, upside down holding by my little ankles and me giggling having the time of my life, I was but a toddler then but I remember that view of looking at the world upside-down, I guess that is why I still view it upside-down.
It was with dad, I got all red, sunburned, following him fishing by the big muddy Pahang River.
It was with dad I learned how to turn a tight pipe with a little ingenuity, that started me on a lifelong mission of turning into little Ms Mcguyver.
It was dad who never ever picked me up when I fall, teaching me since young to stand on my own two feet and to get up on my own when I fall.
It was dad who told me to punch back the boy who punched me, so that no other boy could do that to me again ever.
It was dad that I turn to when I was confuse, it was him that I need comforting from when I am hurt, and when I falter in my journey it was dad I will look for.
He is everything to me, my daddy, my confidant, my best friend, my protector, my doctor, my counselor, my partner in crime (LOL) and each year as I watch him grow older I fear for the day that I will not have my dad by my side. I dread the day when I actually have to stand up again without him behind there watching me with pride in his eyes.
I LOVE YOU DADDY!
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