Being a Mother to my Brother

These past few days I have been scanning old pictures. It has brought back to mind so many memories. I cried as I scanned pictures of Mummy, it hits me again how much I miss her. I am not going to write about Mum today, somehow the pain has been rubbed raw again. Today I am going to talk about raising my brother. When boy came, Mum wasn’t up to looking after a baby, she was older and the pills she was taking makes her sleepy and about the time boy was a month old, Mum had another relapse episode of schizophrenia, so I was about 19 then, in my last semester of Matriculations in UPM, I just basically move right back home and traveled 2 buses back and forth from Seri Gombak to Serdang.

One thing about me, I love babies, I love looking after babies, the sleepless night, the feedings, the diaper changing are a joy to me. Ever since I was sixteen, my nightly prayer was for god to give me a baby brother or sister to look after, there was a series of baby abandonment around then, I remember asking God I wouldn’t mind if He directs these poor lost soul to my front door and leave their baby for me to look after. So I wasn’t upset when I had to take over the majority of the responsibility of looking after boy. I am not saying it wasn’t hard, it was, they were times the conductor had to wake me up when we arrive in UPM, because I barely slept at night looking after a restless baby and have to wake up at  5 a.m. to be able to catch the first bus to KL so I could take the first bus to Serdang, to be able to make it for my 8 o’clock class. I made a lot of mistakes, Mum wasn’t really lucid to guide me, dad wasn’t really around because he had to work, but I love every minute of it. Thinking about it now I really miss those days,

It has been a really enjoyable experience looking after my brother and it has taught me a lot about life. I hope I get to experience it again, but I guess as I my biological clock ticks faster and faster and I am still not married, I might just have to resign myself not to ever experience motherhood from the very beginning, I mean the pregnancy and all that comes with it. Well, never say never, right? I never thought I’d find anyone I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I did, I guess I just have to have another conversation with the almighty, and ask Him for a baby for me this time. In shaa Allah!

Old Poems

I was just looking through my old poems, because something Phil said triggered a memory. What interest me was I found a couple of poems talking about dreams and life’s journey. It seems however much life has changed; I am still the same at the core. Well thought it’d be interesting to share the poems. Hope I could keep the formatting, here goes:-

Ashes

                                   My life

                            is made

                    from the

                         reconstructed ashes

                                        of my dreams.

                                    Dreams that

                            has been

       burned by the

                  fire of defeat.

                         Each time

                                 I with

                                           my    bubbles

        of    hope   gather

   the  scattered  ashes  and

        the    remains    form

           new       dreams

              not    stronger

               renewed!

Rya

24.8.2000

12.43 a.m.

Journey

In this kaleidoscopic world

sometimes it is hard to see

        with clear perception.

What we search

        is almost always an illusion.

What we want

        is never what we get.

As each of us tries

        to complete our journey

        in search of

                love

                        belonging

                                fulfilment.

We sometimes get distracted

        and misdirected by

                lust

                        pretence

                                satiation.

But at the end of the road

what matters most

is the Journey itself

in which He had intended!

Rya

1/2/2002

3.00 p.m.

Dreams - Postponed and Otherwise

Last week amidst our normal rambling conversation, Phil threw me a curve ball of a question, which caused me to fluster out an answer for the moment, but as usual has been stewing in my head, turning it around and around, and frustratingly when I finally think I have a good answer, he is not online for me to tell him, so I guess I have to write it out and get him to read this blog post later. Below is an excerpt from our Skype conversation:-

 [11/11/2012 4:59:15 PM] Phil McQuinn: what do you want yasleh?

[11/11/2012 4:59:21 PM] Phil McQuinn: who do you want to be?

[11/11/2012 5:00:16 PM] Phil McQuinn: cos you know ayu thats something I never heard you ever tell me#

[11/11/2012 5:00:41 PM] Phil McQuinn: you never tell me your dreams

[11/11/2012 5:02:44 PM] Yasleh Rita Ayu Mat Yassin: i never? Well my dream sound silly and weak, it is nothing grand, coz all I ever wanted was to belong, be loved and be happy, the end

I have never really been able to answer those kinds of questions, my first instinct is to ask back, what do you want, I’ll follow. I do not know whether it is really me or it was ingrained in me, but I have never really been comfortable in letting people know what I want, it has always been easier to go along with what people want me to do.

Well I had my moments of selfishness and times when I insist I get my way, but most of the time when I do so, the result is never encouraging; sometime I even get myself into a pickle. I guess that made me very cautious and tend to heed people who I hold in esteemed telling me the best course I should take in this journey of mine.

If I want to be whimsical, I could say I want to sing, not a singer per se with albums and stuffs, just be able to sing and have people hear. It is a dream of mine to be able to sing a duet with Cliff Richard, but I am practical enough to know that is a dream that has a very slim chance of me achieving. Another thing, if I want to be honest, I am not that good a singer, I can carry a tune I guess, and mostly it is pleasant to hear, but I don’t have a voice that people would call god-given to sing. So even though I made dad allowed me to go audition for a few talent seeking show, and made my family crazy with my constant singing, deep down in my heart I know I would never go anywhere with this dream, so it is just that a nice daydream to while away time when I am bored.

When I went to university, dad wrote this poem for me (it is in Malay, I’ll try to translate below it).

Along, Truth Is Supreme,

hari ini along memulakan

langkah mimpi daddy dan mummy

yang tertangguh

di persimpangan waktu

sekian lama, bagaikan

kembara tersula senja.

Taulah nak,

langkahmu ini

adalah

lanjutan

dari kembara zaman-berzaman

melalui sungai cita-cita

nenek moyangmu yang bermula

dari benua utara shah bana alam

mengarak panji-panji

kebenaran dan kepimpinan.

Selamatlah kembara ilmu ini

hendaknya mengiringmu dalam

mencari

kesempurnaan

keimanan

dan kemanusiaan.

love Daddy,

2.35 pagi,

26.6.94,

Seri Gombak.

(Forgive me, the translation is going to be quite loose, and most probably will lose the beauty of its imagery in Malay)

Along, Truth Is Supreme.

today you will start on a journey

of daddy’s and mummy’s

dream postponed at the crossroad of time,

so long, a journey stopped by the coming of dusk.

Know that my daughter,

the steps you are taking

is a continuation

of centuries of journey

through the river of ambition

of your ancestors that started

from the northern continent of this earth,

carrying the banners of truth and leadership.

I hope you’ll be safe in this academic journey of yours

as you search for

perfection

faith

and humanity.

love Daddy,

2.35 a.m.,

26.6.94,

Seri Gombak.

When I read that poem written on the front page of a poem anthology, I cried. I was touched at the same time scared of the burden of centuries worth of dreams and aspiration. I have tried as best as I can to carry on the banner that was passed to me, and I have faltered so many times, but I guess I am walking it still and trying hard not to disappoint. This is also a reason it is hard for me to answer the questions Phil asked, because it is very hard to separate this combined dreams apart from my own dream.

But in essence I think the answer I shot out in instinct when Phil ask, is the best I could describe of what I want in life, I want to belong, be loved and be happy.

Memories of Getting Lost and another Killer Smile Story

I have been thinking about writing for a few days at least, but it kept fizzling out, either I didn't have the time or I just couldn't get the words down. An incident that happen when Phil and his friends and I were coming back from Wales and trying to find our way back to send Sophia back to her place (for the life of me I can’t recall where, I think it was in Birmingham, but I am not sure) kept playing in my head, urging me to write about it, but as you can see I don’t know where to start.

People who know me well, know that whenever I go somewhere I need to have a very clear idea where the toilets will be, so that I could avoid emergencies. Well we kind of got lost (not that Phil or Gareth would admit to that, they’d say they know exactly where they were) on our way to sending Sophia back and then again on our way to Sheffield after sending Sophia home. So getting lost is not the best time for me to be asking to go to the toilet isn't it? But that was exactly what I did, before I embarrass myself in Phil’s car, I ask if we could find somewhere to stop because I need the toilet.

Phil saw a pub by the side of the road, and parked about 20 metre away, asking Gareth to accompany me (he had to stay in the car, but was worried for me to go into the pub alone), but Sophia said never mind she need to go as well, she’d accompany me.  So there we were happily rushing to the pub and pleasantly finding that the restroom was located near the entrance without even having to go into the pub (yeah, we don’t have to buy anything).

As we were going out back to the car, three guys was coming into the pub, and there I was so relieved  it was so easy to get to the toilet that I was smiling happily until I was reminded yet again that I should never smile at strangers (Killer Smile part 1, part 2, part 3). One of the guys did a double take as he looked at us coming out of the toilet and heading out ( I think the double take was for Sophia who look like the cutest china doll, and could probably be at my wide smile as well, who knows) , and cheerfully ask us to join him and his friend for a drink.  He was totally not taking no for an answer, it took both Sophia and my cheerful no several times and his friends tugging him away to extricate ourselves back to the car.  Thinking about it back the guy was really nice, because at no time did I feel threaten, I just felt flattered, unlike the other times when my smile got me in trouble.

Sophia and me!

I Won't Give Up Personalized

I have been listening to Jason Mraz’s “I Won’t Give Up” all morning, trying to bolster my spirit. As I listened, it reminded me of when I link Phil this song, telling him this song reminds me a lot about us and gives me the courage to go on. I can’t recall exactly what he said, tried to look through old Skype conversation, but was just too daunting searching through months of conversation, so going to do it through my faulty memory (forgive me Hun, if I don’t get it exactly right).

What I recall he said was that the song was OK  but more personalize to the person singing, rather than applied to us directly, he then linked me The Wanted “Glad You Came”, and said that fit how we met perfectly. Well I won’t deny that, but what moves me to write today (and I am like so happy, I can write) is when I heard the song, I was like why didn't Phil get it, this part describes exactly how I feel, and a light bulb flash in my head, maybe I need to write an analysis of the song’s lyric and point out to Phil the relevant connection.

I know I’d be embarrassed about some stuff I am revealing here, but been too long since I could write more than a few sentence, so what the heck, I’d give it a go. So here goes.

When I was first getting to know Phil, I love looking at his eyes, there’s a particular picture he has on his Facebook that I’d stare at for hours on end. 

And when he came for the first time to visit me here in Malaysia, I remember when we sit having coffee or something, we’d be staring at each other’s eyes saying nothing for a long time it seems.It was hard to describe why I’d do that until I heard the first stanza of the song:

When I look into your eyes

It's like watching the night sky

Or a beautiful sunrise

There's so much they hold

And just like them old stars

I see that you've come so far

To be right where you are

How old is your soul?

The chorus should be self-explanatory I think, but let me state the obvious, I won’t give up however rough it gets for us. :)

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love

I'm still looking up

This next stanza brought a smile to my face just because it brought to mind how silly I can be. There are periods when Phil would go AWOL on me, meaning he won’t be reachable through Skype or phone, he tells me not to worry, he just needs some space to do what he has to do, I worry of course, and sometimes gets upset, but this stanza calms me down and reminds me it’s OK, he’ll be back soon and tell me stuff he has done or learned.

And when you're needing your space

To do some navigating

I'll be here patiently waiting

To see what you find

And when there’s time I falter and feel like a failure and Phil’s not around to bolster my spirit this stanza gives me the strength to go on.

'Cause even the stars they burn

Some even fall to the earth

We've got a lot to learn

God knows we're worth it

No: I won't give up

Actually the rest of the song give me that courage to go on in anything I do, not just specifically applying to Phil and I, but also to my life. That will to go on despite hardship and learning to handle what life throws at you and understanding who I am.

 I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily

I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use

The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake

And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend

For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn

We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in

I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am

Hmm after doing that, I see what Phil is saying, this song is very personal, but since I could personalize each part of it to my own experience I can relate to it very well. Whatever it is, the song helps me get through most of my worst funks and doldrums, so I’ll continue to listen to it and loving it. :) 

Empty

There’s an emptiness inside
vacated by the absence of
one departed
another oceans apart.
Try as I may
nothing could fill this ache
of not being whole.
Tears don’t ease it
laughter hasn’t chased it
it is just there
deafening
with its roar of silence!


rya
4.03 pm
23 September 2012

Pain

How long could you take a pain

that lingers forever after the wound stop bleeding,

and is it worse if there was no wound to begin with?

As you sink further into despair as it festers,

How long would it be before insanity takes you?

A never ending question to a never ending misery.

rya,

11.08 am

16 Sept 2012

Anything Goes

It has been a while since I could write anything. The need to write is there but it couldn’t get past all the funk my emotions been playing on me. Life as usual has its ups and downs, but as it is normally goes the downs is taking a long run and the ups flicker through very fast that I don’t even noticed it sometimes. I guess that is why I couldn’t write, I hate writing negative stuffs and if I have to I usually put it into a poem to purge it out, but even that outlet was denied me this round. Well this past week I of course been busy with Raya stuff, but even being busy didn’t save me from being down in the dumps.

Hmm , reading through the first paragraph the next morning, I figured out why I haven’t been writing, I have nothing to say, nothing of note or new, it is the same old whine. But I have to break this cycle of inability to write, so whatever goes I guess.

As it always happen when I am learning to sing a song (since I am bit tone deaf, it takes me forever) I have been obsessively listening to Scotty McCreery’s “I Love You this Big”. It is a sweet song of a young boy’s hyperbole feeling of his first love. The funny thing is it shows how roller-coaster my emotions have been, because at times I would gush like a teenage girl at the song, at other times I’d be bawling my eyes out because it makes me miss Phil so much (Mummy used to tell me I have a way of crying like my mom just died, I wish you are still around to say that Mum), and at other times I’d be methodically picking the melody and lyric apart so I could sing it. I am actually listening to it as I am writing this; it is kind of helping with the flow of my writing.

The other day as I was telling Phil about this song, I told him it makes me remember that sometimes we tend to exaggerate stuff in the midst of feeling things just to get the emotion across and that makes us forget the reality of it all. When we are happy things tend to be magnificent and when we are sad things seem to be ‘the end of the world kind of doom’, and it is very hard to be objective when it is our emotions that are involved. I know I am rambling and not making sense, but as I said anything goes. :)

I guess that is as far as I can force myself to write, today. Well at least it is something, I am hoping I’ll get past this, because I really need to write. 

Falling in Love All Over Again ;)

I was seventeen and sis was fourteen, and we both love Michael Learns to Rock. So there we were, on a rare occasion Dad let us go out on our own to KL, waiting to see MLTR in Bukit Bintang Plaza sings a few songs from their second album (I think).  As usual we went early, walked around Sungei Wang Plaza because as usual nothing much is happening in BB Plaza, and there in front of Horizon Music store we encountered two members of MLTR walking around and the funny thing was I just stared at them thinking “Oh my god, they are really tall!”, I am still kicking myself today that I didn’t think to say “Hi, I love your songs“ or something like that.

I was reminded of all this when yesterday after 19 years I get to see MLTR live in concert. They still sound as good as they were, and the lead guitarist is still as ‘lustable’ as ever. And as always I have Adik to thank for this, she was lucky enough to win 2 VIP tickets on Mix FM, so I got one and a half hours of walking down memory lane and falling in love all over again with MLTR. It didn’t take my mind of stuffs troubling me but it kind of ease the pain and singing along to The Actor, 25 Minutes, Paint My Love and That’s Why You Go Away, and listening to a couple of their new songs live was an amazing experience. (Thanks Adik, sorry I was a grumpy puss throughout).

Patience

Patience has never been my virtue,
waiting just makes me anxious,
I worry at every moment,
no matter how many times
life has taught me differently,
that patience is always rewarded,
waiting just make the reward sweeter
and worrying never improve anything
most of the time it just make me suffer for nothing.

Even as this was written,
a reminder to my impatient self,
I can’t keep myself from asking
when will this waiting game ends?
I miss you Hun.

Rya
20/6/12
6.01 pm

Tell Me!

“Hang in there babe, rough time for all of us”

and an “I love you”

of which I knew deep inside without being told,

but hearing it from you,

makes everything easier,

somehow more bearable,

there is a different after all to the soul,

between intrinsically knowing and extrinsically being told!

rya

15 June 2012

8.40 a.m.

Breathe

When your eyes open up to the first morning light
and darkness is all you see,
when despair is the only thing flooding your heart,
is there room for hope still?
The only thing to do I guess
is breathe...

rya
9.39 a.m.
29/5/12

Escape!

words dying to come out,
imprisoned in a wall of silence
a matter of time
before one overcomes the other
the only problem is
the prisoner is also the jailer!

rya
17 May 2012
11.20 a.m.

What do you do?

What do you do,
when faith is lost,
when hope is gone,
when joyful things make you sad,
when surrounded by loved ones and you are still alone?
What do you do?

rya
12.48 pm
9/4/12

From dad's stroke to my needless operation! What a weird wonderful life!

I have been trying to write for ages now; so much has happened that I wanted to put on record so I won’t forget. But as usual, the dreaded writer’s block hit me head on and countless of drafts have been deleted. I guess one dramatic event after another back to back have also knocked me on sideways. I am going to try hard to recall what happened from dad’s stroke to my unneeded operation.

Even before I went to Kendal in December dad was already complaining that his left hand is very weak and he can’t grip stuff anymore, but pleading with him to go to the doctors went on to deaf ears. Since I can’t exactly pick him up and bring him to the doctors, I settled by observing him and he didn’t seem to get any worse and barely complains, so being comforted by ‘strong dad’ mask, I let it go. When I came home in January, dad seems to be ok except for his weak left arm, but early in February, it seems to hurt more and he surprised me by asking to make an appointment with my friend, who is a general practitioner. But I wasn’t surprised when he kept postponing it from day to day. Things came to a head on 15 February, when dad’s left side became completely weak, he fell as he tried to get up from the bed, and us three children panic and pleaded for him to go to the hospital, and calling Uncle Jo, he convinced me to convince dad to agree to go to Serdang Hospital, despite it being the hospital which mom died. So we bundled dad up into the car and brought him to the Emergency Department and waited from 9.00 p.m. until 3.00 a.m. for news that within the last two weeks dad suffered a minor stroke and he has an undiagnosed hypertension and diabetes. He was given medications and was allowed to go home with reference for physiotherapy and further treatment at a government clinic of our choice. The days that followed were an adjustment for the whole family as we try to deal with a “disguised happy” depress Daddy. Well we are still adjusting and dad has stabilized a bit and very discipline about his medications and diet, though he cheats now and then of course.

Well, as we were trying to adjust to this new change, I had to go ahead and have an unexplained stomach ache a week after we brought dad to the hospital. If I haven’t known myself really well, I would have thought I was going to have a baby, it was a contraction like pain that comes and goes in threes and rest for an hour in the beginning and as the night went on the rest period became shorter and shorter, the only weird thing was it was in the upper region of my stomach. When sis woke up in the morning, seeing me doubled over in pain, she wanted to take me to the doctor, but as always not wanting to bother anyone, I told her to consult doctor google, and sis says except for pain in the lower right part of my abdomen, it sounds like it might be appendicitis. She wanted to take me to the hospital right away, but I wasn’t convinced so I told her to drive to the clinic behind our house and get the doctor to check me out first.


As the doctor prodded my stomach, my lower right side hurts really bad, which worried the doctor enough she told me to go to the hospital just in case it was appendicitis. So in the end, I had to go to the dreaded Serdang Hospital after all. Sis just got her license back and all those ten years of not driving still shows, so all the 15 minutes it took to get to the hospital, I was worrying about her driving and knowing how notoriously hard to get parking at the hospital, I told her to find parking first instead of dropping me off in front of Emergency (I can’t help it, I always worry about others first before me). So looking for parking took us about ten minutes, and in the end we illegally parked at the side of the road, and the five minutes’ walk to Emergency felt like the longest time because I was in excruciating pain with every single step I took.

It was around 10.00 a.m. when we arrived at the Emergency Department. The nurse took some blood and urine sample and told me to wait for the doctor. In about 40 minutes the doctor called me in, prodded me some, asked a few question and then told me to go get an x-ray and then told me to go and eat first because my blood test result will only be ready between one hour to one and half hours, and then come back in and see her. When I came back in the doctor wasn’t really sure, but she says it looks like appendicitis so she is going to refer me to the surgical team, so I was sent to wait in the yellow zone of the emergency department. I waited for another hour until another doctor came to ask more question and prod me some more, and then another hour until that doctor came with two more doctors who seem more senior than her and they asked me some more question and each prodded me some more. After all that, they still weren’t sure so they decided to send me for ultrasound, which in the end I waited for nearly two and a half hours on a wheelchair outside the ultrasound room. All this while my pain was increasing in volume and frequency and I was getting really impatient. Finally in the ultrasound room it took three doctors, two of them specialist prodding me to decide they basically couldn’t see anything and suggested an MRI to the surgical doctors, of which they decline. Finally they decided that I am to be warded and prepped for surgery.

It was 5.00 p.m. when I reach the ward. I was told to start fasting and that an IV line would be started. Around 7 p.m. a doctor tried to insert the needle for the IV line on my left hand, it hurts so bad, I cried, she apologized and tried on my right arm, it didn't hurt as bad, but I knew something was wrong because it kept right on hurting, usually after the initial prick it wouldn't hurt anymore. I didn't dare say anything because I didn't want the doctor to bungle another area of my hands and moved to my feet. I couldn't make anyone believe me anyway because it had not started to swell yet of which it did in the morning. In the morning a whole class of would be doctors and a few senior doctors and a specialist or two came to see me and puzzled over my diagnosis. In the end, still not very sure, telling me I have a suspected appendicitis,but trying to be sure it wasn't my PCOS causing the problem they are asking a gynecologist to do an ultrasound to rule out any gynecological problem. With that ruled out, they told me their plan to do a diagnostic laparoscopic surgery to determine if I have appendicitis and to proceed with appendectomy if I do. So the verdict was I have to continue my fast until they have an operation theater free. I waited the whole day in thirst and still no news of when I was going to surgery. Since none of the doctors of whom I told about my hypertension medications seems to care and I have started to feel a bad headache forming, I whispered to a nurse about my missed meds and that I think my blood pressure is high. That got me a sip of water to down the pill(which was like mana from heaven), and the joy of watching a doctor getting a scolding from the nurses.

By the time the sun sets that day I wasn't feeling so good, my pounding heart started to make itself known, and I was flushed, my ear was so hot to touch, but when my temperature was taken, it was normal.Basically this worried the surgeon so much that she decided to hold off my surgery, so I got a respite from my fasting, with the understanding I have to start back at 4 a.m. What was interesting in this incident was that as I was telling the doctors my medical history, one of the doctors said I am more educated than most houseman there (of which didn't reassure me much)and I finally got my swollen IV line taken off and inserted on my left arm by another doctor, and thank god, this time it worked.

The next day after another consultation, the doctors went ahead with the decision to operate. I went into surgery around 9.30 a.m. and was wheeled back into the ward around 2.30 p.m. I was told that my appendix was okay but it was taken out just the same, 'just in case'. Luckily I didn't have too much a bad reaction to the general anesthesia. The thing was,the next morning, since I was recovering well from the operation the doctors told me they were discharging me and I was baffled and ask them, but my stomach still hurts, if it was not my appendix then what was it? So they decided to keep me for observation one more day. By the next day round and still no doctors figuring out what was wrong with me, I got really fed up and agreed to be discharged.

So that was my misadventure for last month. What a weird wonderful world!

Has it been 2 years? :)

“I have died everyday waiting for you/ darlin' don't be afraid / I have loved you for a thousand years / I'll love you for a thousand more,” sang Christina Perri in the chorus of her song A Thousand Years. That first line described how I felt most of the time when I am apart from Phil. It has been almost 3 years since he said hi to me on Knighthood forum and 2 years exactly since we are in a relationship, and we spend most of it a thousand miles apart, and those miles seems to translate to time, a day feels much longer when we are not together and it goes so much faster when we are. Whenever he comes over for two weeks, times seem to flash by so quickly but when I was waiting to go and visit him two weeks seems to be forever.

I don’t know how I endured it actually, because it feels like I died every time I miss him, the only pain I could compare to is missing my late Mum, but even there, there is a difference, because missing my mom is infinite now, I know I can’t have her back in this lifetime, but because I know I would and could see him sometime, somehow that makes the hurt all worse when I am not. Technology helps of course, being able to text and Skype him ease the pain somewhat but because it is our only mean of connection it hurts worse when life interrupts and we can’t even have our virtual time together. I guess if I get to see him in the flesh every other day I don’t get so hurt when he is online and won’t chat with me because he prefers to watch tv or something. If we were together I won’t mind him doing other things because I can see him and able still to be connected to him, but when you wait online all day alone and then you see him gets online and he tells you ‘hmm I don’t feel like talking today, I am gonna watch a dvd or maybe play a game or something, catch you later,’ the disappointment that comes over is crushing like a lifeline being cut and you are apart again a thousand miles away. When we first started, we knew this long-distance relationship was going to be hard and unfair to both of us, but we both felt too strongly about each other that we were willing to try and I guess so far we work hard at making it work and for two years now it is working not without bumps of course but we seem to be able to jump the hurdles together.



I made a video of our pictures together and made a poem to go with it as an anniversary gift and at the end I said, ‘Happy second anniversary Phil, and hopefully the next one will be a First,’ hoping we finally get it together and get married so that we could be together in the same continent, same time zone etc and no longer miles apart and I don’t have to die every day, waiting!

*I saw this on my Facebook wall posted by one of my favourite lecturer:

Malachi Edwin Vethamani
The night before Valentine's Day, a poem by Vikram Seth entitled 'All you who sleep tonight' for us :

All you who sleep tonight
Far from the ones you love,
No hand to left or right,
And emptiness above -

Know that you aren't alone.
The whole world shares your tears,
Some for two nights or one,
And some for all their lives.

That touched me a whole lot and somehow makes me feel not so alone. Thanks Prof.

Happy 35th Phil

You ask me once if I know what I need you to be,
I don’t really know what to say,
not that I don’t know
but I think I have told you
here and there and everywhere
but I guess it got lost in the illusory wings
of our virtual communication.



But I know you know
I need you as my friend
who will be there for me no matter what,
I need you as my guide
as I try to make my way in this confusion I called a life,
I need you to be my hand holder
as I jump into the unknown,
I need you to be my strength,
whenever my own seems to falter,



actually I need you to be so many things
it is going to be too long for me to list,
but it is safe to say I need you in my life
for now, forever and always!
Happy birthday darling,
may it not be too horrible for you,
I love you!

rya, Jan 27,2012, 4.55 pm

New Year Musing

It is nine days into the new year, I stopped making resolutions years ago, because if I had continued there’d be too many left undone, I am still trying to fulfill those I made in my youth. Going into the new year wasn’t particularly fun for me, on new year’s eve I was boarding a plane leaving my heart behind yet again. I got to see my family on new year of course, which is a balm but still it was bittersweet. The next day I went on a four hour drive to visit my aunty whose husband just passed away, and that was not fun either. It didn’t help after that not to hear from Phil for nearly a week. Waiting everyday on Skype and not seeing him come on, sending him text after text that went unanswered and leaving messages on his Facebook wall and inbox and having that unanswered, though it was obvious he did go on his Facebook once or twice.

By Saturday I was already a mess, and listening to one depressing songs after another, among them Katy Perry’s ‘The One That Got Away’, didn’t help. The happy thing is Phil finally was on Skype on Sunday telling me how he had problem logging in Skype which just refuse to let go of my ID and let him logged in, and as usual he has no idea where he has put his phone, and I guess he ignored all his FB messages and went straight to what he needs to do. He told me I was being silly, worrying for nothing, and I was like, I love you and not hearing from you a week is something, I wonder how he would feel if I went AWOL for a week. Well the thing is I would never do that to him, so then question is moot.

Now that my worries have been abetted I am still listening to Katy Perry’s song, of course thinking that I never have to sing it for real. But there’s a line in the song got me to thinking. The line where she sang, "All these money can't buy me a time machine (No o o o)”, and it’s true, you can never turn back time to undo or redo stuff in your past. I think after Mum passed away, there was so many times I’d say, “If only…” And there is so many mistakes I would like to do over or decision I’d wish I could change. But Dad and Phil agrees on this matter, what is past is past, deal with the future, don’t question yesterday’s decision, deal with today’s consequences. So I guess that would be my guiding line as I move on to this new year, to look forward while always remembering what I left behind.