Is it Worth it?

Sometimes I wonder
if it is worth
all this tears and heartache
all the agony of missing him
and
all the pain of longing for someone so faraway
trying to remember
what it felt like to feel
so alone
so lonely
so unwanted
so loveless
and I know that it is worth it,
because there will be an end
to the pain,
and the pleasure will be more appreciated
when its time come
and ‘til then
I’ll just bask
in the memory of
his smile
his loving eyes
and hold on
to our talk
on cyber space
‘til we meet again!

rya
26/6/11
12.12 a.m.

Windmills in my mind

I don’t know what to write actually or whether I should even write this, but my mind has been going round and round it since I have been back, I just can’t keep it straight anymore, I need the clarity that writing it out would give me. Phil’s friend keeps telling me that I got to learn to be selfish, that in life in order to get anywhere we have to think of ourselves first. He was telling me in regards of decisions I have to make in life especially in regards of what is good for my relationship with Phil. I know he sees it as easy as choosing what is advantageous for us rather than thinking of the good of everyone else. Well the thing is he sees it from his point of view, but in a way what I am choosing now is quite selfish, I am choosing what I want, to have him and to have my family happy with me, though in the end the one that is suffering for now is me. But all the compromise that I have been shown won’t give me what I really need and want, so I am being selfish for wanting it my own way and not willing to compromise that. I am lucky though that Phil is willing to accept that however it pains him and I guess that is why I love him so much and respect him for it, for that ability to see my point of view despite how it goes against the grain of his worldview.

Another thing that is whirling in my mind is Phil’s insistence of the freedom that I’ll have to face when I am with him and his wanting me to embrace it. As he sees it I am too confine now and that the freedom that will be mine will be a problem and I am in need of some training for it. But the funny thing is as he says that, I don’t think he sees what I am choosing now is because I have the freedom of choice of what I want, and he is the one who gave it to me, lol, an irony and the funniest dichotomy ever, what he sees as me being restricted to tradition and culture, I see as a freedom of choice that he keeps insisting I have. Well again, it shows me that however different a background we both come from, however different our worldview is because how our world shape us, we share a core similarity that will make sure we go through all our differences as easy and painless as possible. As day goes by, I am more sure than ever that this is meant to be and that we love each other enough to make it till the end of our journey, maybe not unscathed, but strong enough to withstand it all, insyaallah!

Missing and Longing

“We may only have tonight, but till the morning sun, you’re mine, all mine,” kept singing that over and over today. Heard Plain White T’s new single Rhythm of Love a few weeks before I went to UK, liked it, but today as it plays on the radio and my heart was in pain with missing him so much, it eases with the simple lyric and easy on the ear melody. As always when I don’t get to chat with him I miss him a little bit more than usual, nothing really helps till I get to chat with him again or get a short text, but both didn’t happen yet, but listening to the song again and again online helps. Thank god, it is never comfortable this hurting, and I think my eyes is relieve for the break it is giving me because true to the lyric, “all your tears will subside, all your tears will dry,” I have stop crying for the day.

I don’t know why I am missing him this much, it feels like a part of me is missing, boy is furious with me moping around all the time, but I can’t help it, it is just how I am feeling all the time now. Before I went back I ask for him to give me something to wear to remember him by, I was actually aiming at his chains, but I couldn’t do it, I knew how he loves it, but to have something he has worn so long, and on me all the time, would be cool. Instead he bought me clothes, lol. Well the t-shirt I wore home is good for everyday use, but not till sis noticed that I am kind of wearing it every day. Then when I sent that to the wash, I start wearing the cute dress he bought me, lol, which starts boy asking why am I wearing such a nice dress just to sent sis to the market? Well I can’t actually tell them it is because I miss him so much and I need him near, they will laugh or shake their head, so hun do u see how the chain would have been easier, lol.

Well till we don’t have to say we may only have tonight I guess I got to learn to cope better and trust that soon we will be together. I love you hun, so much!

p.s Plain White T's Rhythm of Love

Letters to Mummy 8

Dear Mummy,

I am in mess, both body and mind. I know the last post I made was a part 1 of my visit to Phil. I was supposed to write many more, but I got too busy and too tired to write. I am home now, I am happy I am home, I missed the family, the food, but at the same time I am extremely sad. I hate leaving him Mum and I hate that it is for indefinitely. We were supposed to get married this year, but financially it is just not doable, and the postponement hurts. I can’t bear to be without him anymore, but I can’t see a way out. He can, but he understand why I can’t and it is tearing us apart that it is me that is not making it possible. I know I have to talk to Dad and sees what he thinks, but I don’t know how Mom, since you are not around he has not been in the best of mood, and you know I don’t deal well with Dad. Phil don’t get it why I am so scared to talk to Dad, to his observation Dad is not a monster and he doesn’t get it why a 35 years old still cringe thinking of asking her dad stuff. But you know Mom, you and Adik has always been my buffer, Dad and I we are too alike, that we actually rubbed each other the wrong way sometime, and I have learnt to fear the consequences, he can hurt me like no one else can, with just a word, and he can comfort me like no one else can, with just a smile. Mom, I miss you, I miss talking to you, sounding you out before talking to Dad, having you intervene if things get too tense, Mummy, I need you, now!

I know it is not fair, but there’s no one I could turn to anymore. I know Phil has my back, but I know in this he is not objective either, Mummy, I don’t know what to do. Mummy, I need you!

I am sorry. I shouldn’t do this. But I am that lost now, Mom, I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop thinking, but the thing is I can’t make myself talk to anyone, alive that is. I am just too scared and my mind to scattered to make myself heard right. Had a long talk with Phil, but it just get short of an argument, with him going back to his prodding method trying to get me motivated, and thank god I am calm, or is it passively tired enough, not to rise to his trolling, because I don’t think I could handle a fight right now. It would be just the thing to just push me all right, but I don’t think it will be the direction he wants me to go. I don’t know Mom, right now I feel like I am being pulled in two directions, and that soon I might just fall apart. All I am doing now is praying for strength and clarity, but neither seems to be coming in just yet. So I write to you, which make most question my sanity anyway, but what else can I do. I can’t let this starts tearing holes in my mind, trying to sort itself out. I don’t know if it is the best idea to do, but it is the only thing I can do. Forgive me!

Along

My Visit Part 1

It finally happened, I get to visit Phil instead of him visiting me. (Now that I have been through the long flight and transit, I apologize hun, it was horrid, and you went through that three times, ouch!) It was an experience, first time I travel alone, all my life I have been sheltered, even when I was in boarding school I only had to take the bus alone from kl once, mostly dad picked me up for the holidays. When I am not so tired I might write the things I had observed and experienced on the flight, but let's just say, it wrecked me inside out.

Throughout the plane ride to UK I was nervous with anticipation and impatient for it to end. By the time I arrived I was a bundle of nerves, and too tired to actually enjoy it fully. But what I can say I was inspired when looking out of the plane's window I saw a blanket of thick clouds that at times looks like a vast ocean and at other times seems like a beautiful valley, and once we descended and got past the cloud my first sight of Manchester was beautiful, it is so green, what came into my mind, and the tiny little houses were adorable. But then the long wait for the passport check and the longer search for my bag, I was ready to faint, countless of times of staring at the carousel for my bag after a glimpse of it while I was getting to the carousel, but then it never came out again, I think after about half an hour of inspecting each bag even though it is of different style and colour than mine, I finally thought to checked out the bags that I saw someone had lined up nicely on the other side of the carousel, and straight away I saw it and saying to myself how stupid can I get. Well that was why by the time I saw Phil with a bouquet of flowers, though I registered it and thought it was damn sweet (btw hun that was the first time anyone gave me flowers), I barely could thank him because I was holding on to him for dear life afraid my dizziness would turn into a faint, which would have been embarrassing.

Well I guess that is about it for now, will be writing when I have the chance, thought I get this down while it is still fresh, have fun everyone, I surely aim to. :)

Goodbye Knighthood. ;(

(One of my favorite avatar on KH)


Hmm, I started the day quite fresh, happy and was sleepily watching American Idol. Then I had to go out to pay bills and nearly was hit by another car as I was making my way out of my housing area, shook me to the core, one more day before I make my way to see Phil and his family and I nearly died.

I have been having mix feelings about tomorrow, I am supremely excited to go a bit nervous of course but at the same time the game that is the major reason why I am going tomorrow is ending its run. Knighthood helped me at the time I needed it most and then introduced me to the love of my life and brought so many interesting and kind people to the sphere of my existence and to think it is going to end without me ever taking my Marquise to war is real sad. Only people who have played Knighthood would know what a huge impact that game has had on our lives. I still remember the thrill of attacking and seizing every time I hear Lady Gaga’s Poker Face, because that was one of the songs I listened to when warring, I was glad I had the chance to war on Chivalry and KH MySpace, and as I said my biggest regret was not warring with the original KH, but by the time I knew enough to war I was too scared to go, a personal phobia that I am very sad I can’t overcome now that it is ending.

I don’t think I would ever have the sense of fun and camaraderie and intense competition that I have had playing Knighthood. I shall miss it and shall ever be grateful for its existence because my chance encounter of playing it helped me through the worse depression I have yet to face and then as a bonus it threw in a Knight to share my journey in life. So I guess thanks for all the good times and memories. Goodbye!

Letters to Mummy 7

Dear Mummy,

I was going to visit you yesterday, but as usual something happened and stopped me from visiting. I so wanted to go, I guess it is kind of silly to actually think I need to be at your grave physically to tell you of my upcoming visit to Phil. I know I could just whisper it and you’ll hear no matter where I am, but I haven’t been there for quite a while now, and I miss you Mum. I have been crying a lot lately, when I think of you, so many things are happening in my life that I want you to share, that I need you to know, and it hurts that I couldn’t.

So Mum I just want your blessing and please watch over me on my long journey, I’ll be travelling alone for the first time, and to be honest, though I am excited, I am terrified. I would have done anything in this world to have you calmly telling me that everything will be alright now, I miss you so much!

I’ll try to visit you when I come home. ‘Til then, Alfatihah.

Love,
Along

Get It Right

I was watching Glee because sis was watching it. Little did I know I would listen to a song that strikes a chord in me, the original song Get It Right, touched how I am feeling most of the time now. The chorus:-

What can you do
When your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
Oh how many times will it take
For me to get it right
To get it right

I quoted this to Phil, and he was like, kind of depressing isn’t it? But I guess with how I am most of the time now it aptly describes my feelings. How I wish I could just turn around and fix all my mistakes, and that my best effort would pay, but I don’t have a magic wand, and life does not work that way. Somehow I have to find the strength to go on, and face the consequences of my mistakes, when all my instincts tell me to roll up and cry. But I can’t, so as usual I get up, and try my best to wade through all the muck I have made of my life and I am grateful that I don’t have to do it alone, my loved ones, thank god for them, would be holding out their hand to drag me out of this quagmire. Lord help…

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother’s Day! Though to be honest, that greeting feels kind of hollow to me this year. It also make me sad, because for a couple of years I have been meaning to write about Mum, how above all odds she was the greatest mother to us children, but postponing it year after year because of writer’s block, and now it hurts too much to write it because Mummy won’t be able to read it. I miss her still, and funnily enough though time has tried to do its work, the pain still hurts as much, just that it has become familiar and not in the way anymore. Life is moving on for us of course, nothing stops, and problems are still there to be faced, changes coming to be dealt with but at the back of my mind thoughts, memory and longing lingers. I miss you Mummy, I wished it could have been another year of cakes and flowers but I know you know we love you so much wherever you are now.

Adieu for now, the tears are coming down too heavily to continue. Till next time, have fun!

Rambling on!

I don’t know why, but I have been super stressed out lately not to mention extremely sad. Phil has been extremely sweet this couple of weeks, and I should be happy, he spend a lot of time making sure he chats with me, I mean really chat, instead of just hi hun, how are doing, I really got to do my chores in wow, catch ya later, we talk and as always he really knows how to make up for those breezy chats. I guess I am antsy about the trip, worrying things would go wrong and I wouldn’t be able to go and couldn’t see him, I am having nightmares about it. I miss him so much, and the constant pain is like my best friend now, a familiar ache that just wouldn’t go away. If anyone would have told me that love hurts this much, I wouldn’t have been praying for it. Well as I wrote long ago, if you never taste pain you wouldn’t know what pleasure is. Well as always, limited pc time, so ‘til I get inspired to write, have a good time. :)

Letters to Mummy 6

Dear Mummy,

Tomorrow is your birthday, and I am feeling so sad. No longer do I need to think what cake to get you this year, you loved your cakes so much, and each year it was fun thinking what you would enjoy. It was also fun locating the most practical gift to give you, you always had this weird fond smile when you opened my gifts, I knew you wanted frivolous stuff from me sometime, but I leave that to the sibs, practical is the way I roll, when you can read, books you like, when your eyes gave you problems, it is stuff like bags to keep your combs, pill boxes, things you can use. I miss that, thinking what to get you and searching for it.

The rose plant dad gave you for your anniversary last year is blooming it single red rose, as if it knows tomorrow is your birthday and how much you love blooming roses. Mummy we are moving on though we miss you so much, that we have to learn to face each moments lost now that you are not here and it still hurts, like the other day, I went to trim my hair and I cried on the way back because I would never have to bring you to trim yours anymore. So I asked Phil, would it always be this way that each moments lost to me would hurt? I don’t know Mom, but know that I will always try to honour your memory by going on strongly as you did in your life; I love you Mummy, Happy Birthday!

Along

Hurting

You did it out of love
worried that I have lost my way,
I guess it hurt you to hurt me,
but was I so lost,
that it needed
that big a shock,
that big a hurt?
My eyes still sore
from two days of crying,
knew you wouldn’t apologize,
but because a hug
can’t be given,
can’t I at least get a
sorry for making you cry hun
plus the ‘you so needed that’
because I love you so much
the hurt multiplies
what would have stung
bled
what would have bled
festered
know that I know
it was done out of love
still didn’t take away the pain

rya
10.50 p.m.
21 March 2011

Help!

I don’t know where else to turn. Only to you, the Almighty could help me now. I have royally screwed up my life and I have no idea how to fix it. You have given me glimpses of how great my future could be, but this could put a halt to everything. Oh Lord, only to you could I ask to make this burden easier, because right now I don’t see a way out of this mess. The eternal silence of that dark deep place is tempting now, so tempting, but hopefully my faith in you and my love to my beloveds would keep me safe from it. But Lord, I am really at the end of my rope, I am confuse, worried, guilty, and so many other things. Could you please show me the way out. I need to hope that things would turn out all right, that happy future you showed me glimpses of is possible. I know Lord, I haven’t done the best that I can, and I have gotten lost so often, but I have faith in Your love and it keeps me hanging on. Please, could you show me the way because I am truly lost.

Letters to Mummy 5

Dear Mummy,

He made me cry today, I think for the first time since we knew each other. I have cried before because of him, but mainly because I miss him too much or he ignored all my whispers in WoW, but today i cried because he hurt me, and I don’t like it Mum. I don’t like people having the power to hurt me like that when they hold my heart in their hand. It is too painful, and you are not here to hug the pain away.

It was just a stupid joke; I know that but it being a joke did not take the sting of the hurt from that statement. I love him Mum, so much, but today reminded me how much those you love have the power to hurt you. I need you Mummy, I need you to tell me it is alright, I need you to hug me, I just need you! Abang is already asking why I am crying, I can’t tell him Mum, you know how defensive he gets about me.

Well Mummy, as usual I don’t have the computer time to actually write you a long letter, so I guess that is it for now. I miss you so much!

Along

My Prayer

once upon a lonely night
i whispered a desperate plea
to the constant best friend
in my life,
Lord,
i said,
know that i am grateful
for all You have given me
and i accept everything
with the grace You have bestowed,
but,
would it be too much
to ask for a companion
to accompany me on this hard
lonely road you have set me,
someone wise
so he can guide me
someone with humour
so he can laugh with me and make me laugh
someone kind
so he’ll be gentle with my capricious mood
someone with the strength of heart
so he can take all the blows we’ll face
and Lord,
if it is not too much
can he sing too?

Well now after another lonely night,
all i can say Lord,
thank you, Alhamdulillah,
my lonely nights are because of missing
that someone You sent,
my prayers You answered so spectacularly,
but the singing was too much to ask, eh?


rya
18 March 2011
7.25 a.m.

Who?

there are times like now
when things are coming at me
too fast
everything is hurling its way
onto a collision course
with my troubled mind
I just need to
hear you say
I got you
don’t worry
I got your back
who do I depend on
now
Mum?

rya
15 March 2011
12.54 a.m.

Whispers

Each night as the moon shines on,
ushering dreamers on their journey
to dreamland,
I whispered to the breeze
to sent my longing to you,
not even the sweetest dream
could assuage my love starved heart,
however bright the moon shines
it couldn't light the darkness
in me
alone without you,
so as the wind blows on its journey,
on a wing of a prayer
I sent my love to you,
in hope that soon
the moon would be shining for us
at the same time in the same place
while we dream the same dream!


rya
13 March 2011
1.45 a.m.

Letters to Mummy 4

Dear Mummy,

I don’t know Mummy how healthy is it for me to write to you. I know I am basically writing to the ether, and I don’t know if this is what Phil would call my not accepting that you are gone and still wanting you to be here. But Mummy I don’t know why, I find from time to time I have this need to talk to you, I tried writing down what I am thinking but I couldn’t , it only work when I write to you, like if I can’t talk to you writing to you is the next best thing. I don’t know how things work your end, how it is like, I know there’s literature covering afterlife but let’s face it no one knows for sure, and those who knows can’t come back to tell us about it. I am just hoping somehow this would get to you because Mom, no one listens as well as you. I have been missing you so much, you were always there when I am hurt, you never ask, except be there for me, and understanding me, and lately I seem to be too sensitive and get hurt more often than usual. I am also too snappish, there’s an underlying anger that seem to simmer and I am afraid when it does blow up I’d do terrible damage. Mummy you know how unstable my emotion could get, before I could always rely on you to hold me back or reel me in, but who is going to do that now, Dad have very little patient with my ups and downs, Adik has her own ups and downs to deal with and Abang is too young, I know I have Phil, but he is so far away and at times too tired or too engrossed in WoW to actually noticed that I am at the brink of emotional disaster. Dad said he lost his anchor when he lost you, I not only lost an anchor Mom, I lost my stabilizer, my sympathizer and my haven. Who do I go to now when I feel so lost and unsure? Who will make sure that I always come home when I wonder too far in my mind? Who is going to threaten me with a long bamboo so that I’d behave when I go too far? This couple of days I have never felt so alone, Mummy, I tried reaching out, to Phil, to the family, but no one noticed, you wouldn’t have missed my call for help Mom, I wouldn’t have to call even, you’d immediately know and be there for me. I am tired of crying mummy, I want to be able to smile again and I want not to be too sensitive that stupid stuffs hurt me. Basically I want to be happy again Mom, I know I promised to let you go, to let you rest, but Mummy it is so hard. You were everything to me, and now that you are gone I am like kite with no string, flying endlessly nowhere with no direction, no ties, just blowing with the wind waiting to crash down to earth, broken.

I miss you Mummy!

Along

Letters to Mummy 3

Dear Mummy,
Today would have been your 36th wedding anniversary, it makes me recall all your story of how you met dad and dad telling me why he married you and stuff. As you know Phil was here for almost three weeks, it gave us time to discuss what we are going to do. He asked me why I want to be with him after I told him of the reason why dad married you mom, Phil ask am I with him for the same reason. He caught me there for a moment, I couldn’t give him what I really felt because I was too shy to blurt it out, so I gave him the obvious answer, I told him we click, we just feel so right for each other. But the truth is, one lonely night over 2 or three years ago, I cried and broke down and begged God to send me a companion, someone who would complete me in every way and be my guide as I go through this journey of mine, and He answered my prayers. Phil is everything that I asked and more except that he can’t really sing (LOL, God knows I was kind of joking when I ask that), and as I contemplate your marriage mom, I am wondering if I would be as wise as you had been. Would I be happy? And I know both Phil and you would sing Que Sera Sera off-key to me. What will be, will be, eh? Since Phil went back I have been feeling sad again, and missing both of you so much, Phil told me to look to the future, making plans for it would make me happier, but Mom I never thought I would be without you when I get to realized all my big future life plan. Now that I have to accept that you will not be my side as I make all this life changes, it is hitting me hard Mom, I miss you so much. Will I always feel this way, Mom? Every time something happens, would I feel that it is not complete because you wouldn’t be there to see it? Mummy I don’t know what to do, my heart longs for you, or is it just too soon and my life is moving too fast that I am just confused. Well I guess I have to just take it one day at a time, I love you Mummy.

Along

Letters to Mummy 2

Dear Mummy,
I went to visit you on your 101st day; I went with Daddy, Adik, Abang, Auntie Jen and Phil of course. Dad planted a new plant for you, we fixed up the old ones, I think the rain was washing it away, and then we tried to clean up your grave. Phil couldn’t stay long at the gravesite, the ants were eating him alive, I was kind of disappointed, because I wanted him to be there beside me as I let you go. I didn’t know if I had the strength to do it alone, somewhere deep in my heart I still have that longing of wanting you back, but I knew it was about time I have to let you go, let you be in peace and know that I’ll be alright, and I really needed his strength then. Well it look I was strong enough alone after all, it took a lot Mummy to say goodbye to you that day, and I was alone and I nearly couldn’t, but I guess you raised a strong girl after all Mummy. I still miss you a lot, but I have come to accept that you have moved on to a better place and that I need to move on too. I love you, Mummy.

Love,
Along