Letters to Mummy 4

Dear Mummy,

I don’t know Mummy how healthy is it for me to write to you. I know I am basically writing to the ether, and I don’t know if this is what Phil would call my not accepting that you are gone and still wanting you to be here. But Mummy I don’t know why, I find from time to time I have this need to talk to you, I tried writing down what I am thinking but I couldn’t , it only work when I write to you, like if I can’t talk to you writing to you is the next best thing. I don’t know how things work your end, how it is like, I know there’s literature covering afterlife but let’s face it no one knows for sure, and those who knows can’t come back to tell us about it. I am just hoping somehow this would get to you because Mom, no one listens as well as you. I have been missing you so much, you were always there when I am hurt, you never ask, except be there for me, and understanding me, and lately I seem to be too sensitive and get hurt more often than usual. I am also too snappish, there’s an underlying anger that seem to simmer and I am afraid when it does blow up I’d do terrible damage. Mummy you know how unstable my emotion could get, before I could always rely on you to hold me back or reel me in, but who is going to do that now, Dad have very little patient with my ups and downs, Adik has her own ups and downs to deal with and Abang is too young, I know I have Phil, but he is so far away and at times too tired or too engrossed in WoW to actually noticed that I am at the brink of emotional disaster. Dad said he lost his anchor when he lost you, I not only lost an anchor Mom, I lost my stabilizer, my sympathizer and my haven. Who do I go to now when I feel so lost and unsure? Who will make sure that I always come home when I wonder too far in my mind? Who is going to threaten me with a long bamboo so that I’d behave when I go too far? This couple of days I have never felt so alone, Mummy, I tried reaching out, to Phil, to the family, but no one noticed, you wouldn’t have missed my call for help Mom, I wouldn’t have to call even, you’d immediately know and be there for me. I am tired of crying mummy, I want to be able to smile again and I want not to be too sensitive that stupid stuffs hurt me. Basically I want to be happy again Mom, I know I promised to let you go, to let you rest, but Mummy it is so hard. You were everything to me, and now that you are gone I am like kite with no string, flying endlessly nowhere with no direction, no ties, just blowing with the wind waiting to crash down to earth, broken.

I miss you Mummy!

Along