Happy Fortieth Birthday to Me!

When I was young whenever I was crying longer than Mummy could stand, she would say I better stop or I would be blind like Kassim Selamat. I would always retort that was just a movie, not a true story. And then she would bring up the story of Ayah Man who is actually blind, and said he cried for two weeks when he was young, and basically I would stop crying because I would need to argue with her on the logic of it all. But if Mummy is still around I would finally have the best argument ever to present to her, “Mummy, this year alone I have cried almost daily, and in this almost nine months of crying I am still not blind!”

I am forty today! And, yes it has been a miserable year for me, actually has been for a while. It has been miserable basically because I haven’t yet been given what I want most in my life. But because of my fascination with dichotomy I have to admit there are parts which were really wonderful. As I have proven with my birthday countdown, that life has actually been really kind to me.

With everything bad that comes along, it is always balanced by something good. For example, yesterday I was so miserable because Phil can’t be here for my fortieth and I didn’t get to go for my planned pre-birthday treat, but come the night I was showered with so much love by the family.

Abang gave me the asked for portrait. He spent six hours just trying to make it right and special. With his carpal tunnel I knew that was six hours of pain. Thank you abang, I love the drawing, though you could have drawn me a little thinner lol.

Adik gave me a sketch book filled with snippets of highlight for each year of my life. It was well thought of and according to my friends and awesome gift from an awesome sister.

Daddy gave me two basketful of all sort of fruits, according to adik he took every fruits on sale in Hero. Thank you Da, I love it.

Phil teased me with a wish and a question, “So what WAS it like to hunt velociraptors? :P ” We haven’t got to talk yet, I hope we would today, but a few days before, he said something so sweet and reminded me how I am loved:

[Friday, 2 September, 2016 7:10 PM] Phil McQuinn: then take this with you my lady I love you I am your man and I will not forsake you. I am yours now until death do us part

So however I am always sad now, I know that I am very fortunate and lucky to have had so many people that love me. I am grateful for everything the Lord have given me, and though I cried and begged all the time to give me what I want, I know and accept that He has his own timetable and His plans are usually for the best.

Happy Fortieth Birthday to me!

One Day to Forty

When I went to visit Mummy at the ICU a day after we sent her to the Emergency Department, she groggily asked me if I was married. Mum had been after me to get married since I was 30 maybe, I can’t remember, she wasn’t pushy about it, just a statement now and again for me to find someone and get married. I will be forty tomorrow and I am still not married. I came close though this year but fate seem to say not yet. I found somebody to love and love me more than I deserve, but we have hit so many obstacles to being together that I wonder at times if God would ever let us have what we want most, that is to be together in one place and able to walk hand in hand to the end of our journey on earth.

At 30 I decided I will have to continue on my journey alone, because I couldn’t seem to find anyone I wanted to give my hand to. At 32 I started feeling lonely, and wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn’t seem to open myself up to anyone. At 33 I begged the lord for a companion for my journey because I was so lonely and he answered it by showing me what I was looking for might be farther than I can think of. He let me know my soul mate as slowly and gently as I needed to be able to let down the walls I had built.

It has been wonderful having Phil in my life. His love completes me and made me a stronger person, but to be his wife and be able to live our life together is a dream that I so wish could come true. As I turn 40 tomorrow it makes me really sad that this dream has not come true.

Two Days to Forty

I love babies. I really love looking after them. When I was 16 I prayed every day that God would leave a baby at my doorstep. When Abang came into our life and dad asked if I would be able to take care of him because Mummy was not really well, I said yes. 

From the start he was my baby, I fed him, changed his diapers, he slept next to me, and with the rest of the family’s help I raised him. One of the big reasons I couldn’t take my teaching posting in Sarawak was because the thought of leaving Abang broke my heart big time. He was kind of put off with me for going as well, Dad loves telling the story how on the way of picking me up from the airport after I decided not to go for my posting after all, how boy was looking at the plane and saying “padan muka, pergi lagi tinggal Abang, sekarang nangis nak balik”  (I told you so, shouldn’t have left me, now crying to be home).

Dad calls me as Boy’s mother, my friends call me that as well, Boy insists I am his sister and Mummy is his mother, but he still sheepishly borrow my arm to sleep on when he is ill. So I can say I do have that experience of raising a child no matter what I am called. But it still does not stop that longing of wanting a little girl or boy of my own. Nowadays whenever I see babies I actually cry and feel that longing and need for one.

In two days I turn 40 signalling the last leg of my biological clock. I use to tell my sister if by 40 I am still unmarried and have no children, I am going to adopt, but being where I am at this moment I am not sure if it is still an option.

Three Days to Forty

 I love to sing. Singing makes me happy, it annoys everyone else, but nothing could beat that satisfaction I get when I nail a song and it sounds so good as I sing it.

I am old enough now to know realistically though I can sing well I am not good enough to sing professionally. Dreaming of being a singer with albums, I think died when I turn 25 or thereabouts, but somewhere in my heart there is still that dream of singing a duet with Cliff Richard. LOL

For this part I think I am quite satisfied with what I have been able to do with my singing. When I really need to have the thrill of singing to an audience, I have that opportunity of singing dad’s poem in ZK baca sajak sampai subuh. Smule also made it easy for me to have a feel of singing with music and having a recording of it. The pinnacle so far was singing dad’s poem in a tv show.

So as I approach forty, I think I am well happy with where I have taken my singing hobby. It makes me happy and I hope I just take it further, maybe learn an instrument to play along with my singing.

Four days to Forty

Writing has always been my salvation, poetry to be more specific. The journey to publishing is still quite undone, but it has never really been my end goal. I write because I have to not because I have dream to be a published writer. I am happy about the evolutions of my poetry, I think I have learnt how to use words to express what I feel, to draw that picture of my emotions.

I am still trying to write that story I have been thinking about for almost 20 years, but story writing has never been my forte, so I don’t know if I will ever get it done.

I have a few idea that I would like to see through, I just need to make sure I will find the time, most of it has been written, just need to compile it all and see if it will work like I imagine.

This is one those thing that I do that has not disappoint me and does not gives me a deadline of when I need to achieve anything. Me being forty does not have a bearing on my writing. One thing I am grateful for actually. It will always be there for me and just up to me to how far I want to take it.

Five Days to Forty

Teaching is my profession. I am one of those lucky ones who love their job. When I first started teaching, I wasn’t very good at it, well I was too stiff and I was not flexible, I kept trying to follow my lesson plan to the exact minute. But from the very beginning I seem to make connection with my students, I love teaching them and they are willing to learn from me.

I don’t really know if I have managed to improve from that really novice teacher I was. I think I have, but there are days that make me think I still have so much to learn. But what these 16 years of teaching has taught me is that as long as I am willing to learn and evolve I will improve and be able to teach my students better.

So this is also one of those things I could be proud of in my life, I hope I have made an impact however small in the lives of all my students. 

With some of my students at a TESL night.

Six Days to Forty

Not completing my PhD is the one thing that still bugs me. I have accepted that it is something that I have to let go for now, that this failure is not my defining moment, but when I see friends and even students succeeding at it, it hurts.

Academic writing has never been easy for me. My style of writing has never really suited with academic writing. I can’t be rigid and discipline enough for it. I swore when I struggled to finish my Master’s thesis that that will be my last attempt at academic paper. But I forgot that vow when the PhD opportunity dropped into my lap.

I want to say it was my biggest regret starting it, but whenever I want to say it, I am reminded because I was taking the time off to pursue my PhD, I met Phil. So I guess what happen is because it needs to happen.

I guess me being forty is not really a factor here, but at this point of my life, this failure smarts a lot, but who knows what tomorrow brings.