Anything Goes

It has been a while since I could write anything. The need to write is there but it couldn’t get past all the funk my emotions been playing on me. Life as usual has its ups and downs, but as it is normally goes the downs is taking a long run and the ups flicker through very fast that I don’t even noticed it sometimes. I guess that is why I couldn’t write, I hate writing negative stuffs and if I have to I usually put it into a poem to purge it out, but even that outlet was denied me this round. Well this past week I of course been busy with Raya stuff, but even being busy didn’t save me from being down in the dumps.

Hmm , reading through the first paragraph the next morning, I figured out why I haven’t been writing, I have nothing to say, nothing of note or new, it is the same old whine. But I have to break this cycle of inability to write, so whatever goes I guess.

As it always happen when I am learning to sing a song (since I am bit tone deaf, it takes me forever) I have been obsessively listening to Scotty McCreery’s “I Love You this Big”. It is a sweet song of a young boy’s hyperbole feeling of his first love. The funny thing is it shows how roller-coaster my emotions have been, because at times I would gush like a teenage girl at the song, at other times I’d be bawling my eyes out because it makes me miss Phil so much (Mummy used to tell me I have a way of crying like my mom just died, I wish you are still around to say that Mum), and at other times I’d be methodically picking the melody and lyric apart so I could sing it. I am actually listening to it as I am writing this; it is kind of helping with the flow of my writing.

The other day as I was telling Phil about this song, I told him it makes me remember that sometimes we tend to exaggerate stuff in the midst of feeling things just to get the emotion across and that makes us forget the reality of it all. When we are happy things tend to be magnificent and when we are sad things seem to be ‘the end of the world kind of doom’, and it is very hard to be objective when it is our emotions that are involved. I know I am rambling and not making sense, but as I said anything goes. :)

I guess that is as far as I can force myself to write, today. Well at least it is something, I am hoping I’ll get past this, because I really need to write. 

Falling in Love All Over Again ;)

I was seventeen and sis was fourteen, and we both love Michael Learns to Rock. So there we were, on a rare occasion Dad let us go out on our own to KL, waiting to see MLTR in Bukit Bintang Plaza sings a few songs from their second album (I think).  As usual we went early, walked around Sungei Wang Plaza because as usual nothing much is happening in BB Plaza, and there in front of Horizon Music store we encountered two members of MLTR walking around and the funny thing was I just stared at them thinking “Oh my god, they are really tall!”, I am still kicking myself today that I didn’t think to say “Hi, I love your songs“ or something like that.

I was reminded of all this when yesterday after 19 years I get to see MLTR live in concert. They still sound as good as they were, and the lead guitarist is still as ‘lustable’ as ever. And as always I have Adik to thank for this, she was lucky enough to win 2 VIP tickets on Mix FM, so I got one and a half hours of walking down memory lane and falling in love all over again with MLTR. It didn’t take my mind of stuffs troubling me but it kind of ease the pain and singing along to The Actor, 25 Minutes, Paint My Love and That’s Why You Go Away, and listening to a couple of their new songs live was an amazing experience. (Thanks Adik, sorry I was a grumpy puss throughout).

Patience

Patience has never been my virtue,
waiting just makes me anxious,
I worry at every moment,
no matter how many times
life has taught me differently,
that patience is always rewarded,
waiting just make the reward sweeter
and worrying never improve anything
most of the time it just make me suffer for nothing.

Even as this was written,
a reminder to my impatient self,
I can’t keep myself from asking
when will this waiting game ends?
I miss you Hun.

Rya
20/6/12
6.01 pm

Tell Me!

“Hang in there babe, rough time for all of us”

and an “I love you”

of which I knew deep inside without being told,

but hearing it from you,

makes everything easier,

somehow more bearable,

there is a different after all to the soul,

between intrinsically knowing and extrinsically being told!

rya

15 June 2012

8.40 a.m.

Breathe

When your eyes open up to the first morning light
and darkness is all you see,
when despair is the only thing flooding your heart,
is there room for hope still?
The only thing to do I guess
is breathe...

rya
9.39 a.m.
29/5/12

Escape!

words dying to come out,
imprisoned in a wall of silence
a matter of time
before one overcomes the other
the only problem is
the prisoner is also the jailer!

rya
17 May 2012
11.20 a.m.

What do you do?

What do you do,
when faith is lost,
when hope is gone,
when joyful things make you sad,
when surrounded by loved ones and you are still alone?
What do you do?

rya
12.48 pm
9/4/12

From dad's stroke to my needless operation! What a weird wonderful life!

I have been trying to write for ages now; so much has happened that I wanted to put on record so I won’t forget. But as usual, the dreaded writer’s block hit me head on and countless of drafts have been deleted. I guess one dramatic event after another back to back have also knocked me on sideways. I am going to try hard to recall what happened from dad’s stroke to my unneeded operation.

Even before I went to Kendal in December dad was already complaining that his left hand is very weak and he can’t grip stuff anymore, but pleading with him to go to the doctors went on to deaf ears. Since I can’t exactly pick him up and bring him to the doctors, I settled by observing him and he didn’t seem to get any worse and barely complains, so being comforted by ‘strong dad’ mask, I let it go. When I came home in January, dad seems to be ok except for his weak left arm, but early in February, it seems to hurt more and he surprised me by asking to make an appointment with my friend, who is a general practitioner. But I wasn’t surprised when he kept postponing it from day to day. Things came to a head on 15 February, when dad’s left side became completely weak, he fell as he tried to get up from the bed, and us three children panic and pleaded for him to go to the hospital, and calling Uncle Jo, he convinced me to convince dad to agree to go to Serdang Hospital, despite it being the hospital which mom died. So we bundled dad up into the car and brought him to the Emergency Department and waited from 9.00 p.m. until 3.00 a.m. for news that within the last two weeks dad suffered a minor stroke and he has an undiagnosed hypertension and diabetes. He was given medications and was allowed to go home with reference for physiotherapy and further treatment at a government clinic of our choice. The days that followed were an adjustment for the whole family as we try to deal with a “disguised happy” depress Daddy. Well we are still adjusting and dad has stabilized a bit and very discipline about his medications and diet, though he cheats now and then of course.

Well, as we were trying to adjust to this new change, I had to go ahead and have an unexplained stomach ache a week after we brought dad to the hospital. If I haven’t known myself really well, I would have thought I was going to have a baby, it was a contraction like pain that comes and goes in threes and rest for an hour in the beginning and as the night went on the rest period became shorter and shorter, the only weird thing was it was in the upper region of my stomach. When sis woke up in the morning, seeing me doubled over in pain, she wanted to take me to the doctor, but as always not wanting to bother anyone, I told her to consult doctor google, and sis says except for pain in the lower right part of my abdomen, it sounds like it might be appendicitis. She wanted to take me to the hospital right away, but I wasn’t convinced so I told her to drive to the clinic behind our house and get the doctor to check me out first.


As the doctor prodded my stomach, my lower right side hurts really bad, which worried the doctor enough she told me to go to the hospital just in case it was appendicitis. So in the end, I had to go to the dreaded Serdang Hospital after all. Sis just got her license back and all those ten years of not driving still shows, so all the 15 minutes it took to get to the hospital, I was worrying about her driving and knowing how notoriously hard to get parking at the hospital, I told her to find parking first instead of dropping me off in front of Emergency (I can’t help it, I always worry about others first before me). So looking for parking took us about ten minutes, and in the end we illegally parked at the side of the road, and the five minutes’ walk to Emergency felt like the longest time because I was in excruciating pain with every single step I took.

It was around 10.00 a.m. when we arrived at the Emergency Department. The nurse took some blood and urine sample and told me to wait for the doctor. In about 40 minutes the doctor called me in, prodded me some, asked a few question and then told me to go get an x-ray and then told me to go and eat first because my blood test result will only be ready between one hour to one and half hours, and then come back in and see her. When I came back in the doctor wasn’t really sure, but she says it looks like appendicitis so she is going to refer me to the surgical team, so I was sent to wait in the yellow zone of the emergency department. I waited for another hour until another doctor came to ask more question and prod me some more, and then another hour until that doctor came with two more doctors who seem more senior than her and they asked me some more question and each prodded me some more. After all that, they still weren’t sure so they decided to send me for ultrasound, which in the end I waited for nearly two and a half hours on a wheelchair outside the ultrasound room. All this while my pain was increasing in volume and frequency and I was getting really impatient. Finally in the ultrasound room it took three doctors, two of them specialist prodding me to decide they basically couldn’t see anything and suggested an MRI to the surgical doctors, of which they decline. Finally they decided that I am to be warded and prepped for surgery.

It was 5.00 p.m. when I reach the ward. I was told to start fasting and that an IV line would be started. Around 7 p.m. a doctor tried to insert the needle for the IV line on my left hand, it hurts so bad, I cried, she apologized and tried on my right arm, it didn't hurt as bad, but I knew something was wrong because it kept right on hurting, usually after the initial prick it wouldn't hurt anymore. I didn't dare say anything because I didn't want the doctor to bungle another area of my hands and moved to my feet. I couldn't make anyone believe me anyway because it had not started to swell yet of which it did in the morning. In the morning a whole class of would be doctors and a few senior doctors and a specialist or two came to see me and puzzled over my diagnosis. In the end, still not very sure, telling me I have a suspected appendicitis,but trying to be sure it wasn't my PCOS causing the problem they are asking a gynecologist to do an ultrasound to rule out any gynecological problem. With that ruled out, they told me their plan to do a diagnostic laparoscopic surgery to determine if I have appendicitis and to proceed with appendectomy if I do. So the verdict was I have to continue my fast until they have an operation theater free. I waited the whole day in thirst and still no news of when I was going to surgery. Since none of the doctors of whom I told about my hypertension medications seems to care and I have started to feel a bad headache forming, I whispered to a nurse about my missed meds and that I think my blood pressure is high. That got me a sip of water to down the pill(which was like mana from heaven), and the joy of watching a doctor getting a scolding from the nurses.

By the time the sun sets that day I wasn't feeling so good, my pounding heart started to make itself known, and I was flushed, my ear was so hot to touch, but when my temperature was taken, it was normal.Basically this worried the surgeon so much that she decided to hold off my surgery, so I got a respite from my fasting, with the understanding I have to start back at 4 a.m. What was interesting in this incident was that as I was telling the doctors my medical history, one of the doctors said I am more educated than most houseman there (of which didn't reassure me much)and I finally got my swollen IV line taken off and inserted on my left arm by another doctor, and thank god, this time it worked.

The next day after another consultation, the doctors went ahead with the decision to operate. I went into surgery around 9.30 a.m. and was wheeled back into the ward around 2.30 p.m. I was told that my appendix was okay but it was taken out just the same, 'just in case'. Luckily I didn't have too much a bad reaction to the general anesthesia. The thing was,the next morning, since I was recovering well from the operation the doctors told me they were discharging me and I was baffled and ask them, but my stomach still hurts, if it was not my appendix then what was it? So they decided to keep me for observation one more day. By the next day round and still no doctors figuring out what was wrong with me, I got really fed up and agreed to be discharged.

So that was my misadventure for last month. What a weird wonderful world!

Has it been 2 years? :)

“I have died everyday waiting for you/ darlin' don't be afraid / I have loved you for a thousand years / I'll love you for a thousand more,” sang Christina Perri in the chorus of her song A Thousand Years. That first line described how I felt most of the time when I am apart from Phil. It has been almost 3 years since he said hi to me on Knighthood forum and 2 years exactly since we are in a relationship, and we spend most of it a thousand miles apart, and those miles seems to translate to time, a day feels much longer when we are not together and it goes so much faster when we are. Whenever he comes over for two weeks, times seem to flash by so quickly but when I was waiting to go and visit him two weeks seems to be forever.

I don’t know how I endured it actually, because it feels like I died every time I miss him, the only pain I could compare to is missing my late Mum, but even there, there is a difference, because missing my mom is infinite now, I know I can’t have her back in this lifetime, but because I know I would and could see him sometime, somehow that makes the hurt all worse when I am not. Technology helps of course, being able to text and Skype him ease the pain somewhat but because it is our only mean of connection it hurts worse when life interrupts and we can’t even have our virtual time together. I guess if I get to see him in the flesh every other day I don’t get so hurt when he is online and won’t chat with me because he prefers to watch tv or something. If we were together I won’t mind him doing other things because I can see him and able still to be connected to him, but when you wait online all day alone and then you see him gets online and he tells you ‘hmm I don’t feel like talking today, I am gonna watch a dvd or maybe play a game or something, catch you later,’ the disappointment that comes over is crushing like a lifeline being cut and you are apart again a thousand miles away. When we first started, we knew this long-distance relationship was going to be hard and unfair to both of us, but we both felt too strongly about each other that we were willing to try and I guess so far we work hard at making it work and for two years now it is working not without bumps of course but we seem to be able to jump the hurdles together.



I made a video of our pictures together and made a poem to go with it as an anniversary gift and at the end I said, ‘Happy second anniversary Phil, and hopefully the next one will be a First,’ hoping we finally get it together and get married so that we could be together in the same continent, same time zone etc and no longer miles apart and I don’t have to die every day, waiting!

*I saw this on my Facebook wall posted by one of my favourite lecturer:

Malachi Edwin Vethamani
The night before Valentine's Day, a poem by Vikram Seth entitled 'All you who sleep tonight' for us :

All you who sleep tonight
Far from the ones you love,
No hand to left or right,
And emptiness above -

Know that you aren't alone.
The whole world shares your tears,
Some for two nights or one,
And some for all their lives.

That touched me a whole lot and somehow makes me feel not so alone. Thanks Prof.

Happy 35th Phil

You ask me once if I know what I need you to be,
I don’t really know what to say,
not that I don’t know
but I think I have told you
here and there and everywhere
but I guess it got lost in the illusory wings
of our virtual communication.



But I know you know
I need you as my friend
who will be there for me no matter what,
I need you as my guide
as I try to make my way in this confusion I called a life,
I need you to be my hand holder
as I jump into the unknown,
I need you to be my strength,
whenever my own seems to falter,



actually I need you to be so many things
it is going to be too long for me to list,
but it is safe to say I need you in my life
for now, forever and always!
Happy birthday darling,
may it not be too horrible for you,
I love you!

rya, Jan 27,2012, 4.55 pm

New Year Musing

It is nine days into the new year, I stopped making resolutions years ago, because if I had continued there’d be too many left undone, I am still trying to fulfill those I made in my youth. Going into the new year wasn’t particularly fun for me, on new year’s eve I was boarding a plane leaving my heart behind yet again. I got to see my family on new year of course, which is a balm but still it was bittersweet. The next day I went on a four hour drive to visit my aunty whose husband just passed away, and that was not fun either. It didn’t help after that not to hear from Phil for nearly a week. Waiting everyday on Skype and not seeing him come on, sending him text after text that went unanswered and leaving messages on his Facebook wall and inbox and having that unanswered, though it was obvious he did go on his Facebook once or twice.

By Saturday I was already a mess, and listening to one depressing songs after another, among them Katy Perry’s ‘The One That Got Away’, didn’t help. The happy thing is Phil finally was on Skype on Sunday telling me how he had problem logging in Skype which just refuse to let go of my ID and let him logged in, and as usual he has no idea where he has put his phone, and I guess he ignored all his FB messages and went straight to what he needs to do. He told me I was being silly, worrying for nothing, and I was like, I love you and not hearing from you a week is something, I wonder how he would feel if I went AWOL for a week. Well the thing is I would never do that to him, so then question is moot.

Now that my worries have been abetted I am still listening to Katy Perry’s song, of course thinking that I never have to sing it for real. But there’s a line in the song got me to thinking. The line where she sang, "All these money can't buy me a time machine (No o o o)”, and it’s true, you can never turn back time to undo or redo stuff in your past. I think after Mum passed away, there was so many times I’d say, “If only…” And there is so many mistakes I would like to do over or decision I’d wish I could change. But Dad and Phil agrees on this matter, what is past is past, deal with the future, don’t question yesterday’s decision, deal with today’s consequences. So I guess that would be my guiding line as I move on to this new year, to look forward while always remembering what I left behind.

Rambling while shivering

Nothing much to say really. I have been in Kendal for almost two weeks now. My flight in wasn't so nice because my 'best friend' was accompanying me, so for the first time ever I got airsick, even my asam didn't help nor my minyak angin. But seeing Phil at the end of it was worth it. I love being with him, he had a few days off when I arrived, so he spend it kitting me out with winter gear. He was worried I'd be bored when he starts working, he works night, so he sleeps the day away, but he has a lot of books I can read, so I am fine with that. He also bought me a swimsuit and got me 12 entry at his gym, so I get to swim and laze around in the Jacuzzi and sauna. So all in all, it has been good.

The second day as we drove home from his mother I saw snow falling, I thought it was rain, Phil told me it was snow, when we got out I tried to catch it with my hands and yes indeed it was snow, but it was wet so I couldn't see the ground blanketed with snow, but a few days later I did see it and I went out to play with my first snow. I am not dealing that well with the cold of course, Walter laughs every time he sees me bundling and shivering at home, but I kind of enjoying it masochistically.

So far I am enjoying my time here, I don't think I'd be miserable, friends has been commenting I look really happy. Well I hope so. Till later guys.

My Birthday Story at last!

After months and months of waiting and hassling Phil about it, I finally get my birthday story. I am glad I get to read the end of my story before I make my way to him tomorrow. I once joked that I’ll only get to see the story when I get back to Kendal to see him for Christmas, I guessed he remembered that and finally decided to let go of his baby and sent it to me. He let me read A Tale of Three Princes Part One about two months ago, I loved it. It was real charming and I could foresee it becoming a long running bedtime story for our children. Today when he skyped me Part Two, I adored the heroine even more as she was dashingly rescuing the prince. It was real exciting and again he ended it with room for more adventure for the Princess and the Prince of the Rats.

Well I know what I’ll ask for future birthday presents, I’d want more of their adventure. I know Phil was worried about the story, he finished writing it a long time ago I think, but he kept editing and polishing it and I know he wasn’t happy with it still, but I love the story as it is. I wonder if I can convince him.

Letters to Mummy 9

Dear Mummy,
It has been a long time since I wrote you. It is not because I have forgotten, or I have nothing to say, but I have been wrapped up in a whole lot of misery and I didn’t want to dump it on you. I am a bit happier nowadays; I am getting what I have been praying for, I get to see Phil before next year. I am going to try to see if I could stand wintering in Kendal and being on my own mostly because it is Phil’s busiest time of the year. Phil is worried that I’ll be bored and miserable, what he left mostly unsaid is he is worried that this experience would make me think the sacrifice is too much. He ask me once how can I think of leaving my family behind to live with him in a strange land full of strangers. I don’t know Mum; I wish I have you here with me to talk things through. I once told Phil I am not afraid, I trust him, and he says I sound real young. Well let me clarify, I am not afraid to marry him because I trust him with my life and I know no matter what he wouldn’t hurt me intentionally. I am afraid of taking this big leap, of adjusting to a whole new life in a new place away from my anchor – my family – and I have been thinking a lot about it and I am not naïve enough to think everything will be all peaches just because I am in love. But it is exactly because I am in love I am willing to undertake this albeit with open eyes not blind to the challenges ahead.

Dad has been my strongest support, you know that Mum, however unwilling he is to pick me up when I fall, he has been there for me for every spills and mistakes. He has done all he can to make sure I stay all right and that I get everything that I want. I don’t know how I’d survive without him near me, but he raise me well enough I know I could grow without him, but it will be really hard. The funny thing is Dad and Phil is so much alike, but Phil already told me he can’t take Dad’s place, and I said of course not, though it is a comfort sometimes when I see him react exactly like Dad. It is like having something the same in different context, I don’t know if that make sense, Mum, (oh what I’d give to hear you say, I know).

I don’t know how Adik is going to handle this; I wish you are with her to help her go through this. You remember of course how when we were kids we were the worst of enemy when we were together but separate us and we’d be miserable. She had a miserable time when I went for two weeks, and she is already kissing me obsessively every hour of the day when I am sleeping or napping, saving up for my month away I guess. We’ll stay in touch of course, but I guess it is not the same.

Then there’s Abang, what more can I say Mum. You know he has not left my side since he was that clingy, needy baby. He has grown up Mum, if you could only see, but there’ll be moments when he reverts to that kid who needs me all the time and I’d think how could I leave him, he’s already lost you. But then again, if Allah is kind, he’d give us a chance to see each other often I hope, boy has some schooling left to do, and since his school is making him take ICGSE instead of SPM, maybe he can do his further studies in UK. Hopefully.

I guess that is it Mum, I know it is a jumble, but that is what have been on my mind, getting ready to leave for one month has me thinking of me leaving for so much longer. If dad is my safety, you were my comfort Mum, always making me feel that everything would turn out right somehow, I miss you Mummy.

Love,
Along

A Year Without Mum

Dad was complaining to sis that I must be going cuckoo because I was playing with my hair again. Hmm the thing is he is not far off, I am trying to stop thinking and remembering today. It is exactly a year since Mummy went to her final resting place, a really lonely and painful year for me and the rest of the family. I don’t want to remember how I had to suck blood out of Mum’s mouth every half an hour, and how her blood pressure kept dropping and dropping, and I don’t want to remember what I whispered to her in the end. It hurts too much. Even when I was preparing the bunga rampai today, slicing the pandan leaves and rose petals, I intentionally put music on and made myself sing along, I didn’t want to prepare the gift for Mum with tears, I want her to receive happiness not grief.

I don’t know how long a person grieves anyway, I think I haven’t skipped any steps, but it still hurts, is it always going to hurt this way. I wish I could have a chat with Phil, he usually says stuff that makes me feel better, but he is paying for our indulgent 10 hours chat the other day, he is really tired, barely could even say hi to me today. Well that’s about it. I am too sad to write. Al-fatihah, Mummy.

Songs and I

I am tired of writing about how dark I am feeling nowadays, so as a way to cheer me up I was listening to Lady Antebellum’s Just a Kiss, it reminded me how I felt when Phil came for his first visit. We were both unsure and scared to ruin a real good friendship but the feelings were really strong. As for me, that 2 lines in the chorus, “Just a shot in the dark that you just might/ be the one I’ve been waiting for my whole life,” really described how I was feeling at that time, and explained how despondent I felt when he was real quiet and wasn’t online on Valentine’s day, and like the guy in Vanessa William’s Save the Best for Last, he came on the 15 and ask me if I felt as strongly as he did and if we want to take it further.

The truth is throughout my friendship with Phil, songs played an important part in expressing how I feel, when I was still refusing to believe what I felt for Phil was more than that of a friend, I was singing a lot of Taylor Swift’s You Belong with Me, especially after Phil confess he was having a crush on an acquaintance of ours online (well this was way before he came to visit me, I think I have just known him for about 3 or 4 months about then). But believe you me, whenever I was singing that song I was imagining I was singing it to Phil. Yes adik, I knew how I felt about him then, but I can’t admit it to the world, I still have that much pride, even with you, until I know the feeling was reciprocated I can’t shout it to the world, can’t I?

I have written before how from time to time Phil would link me to songs he is listening to that reminded him of me or of our relationship, so I am not alone in using songs either to express how I feel or to soothe the hurt of being apart. Lately I have been singing Owl City’s Vanilla Twilight, although I know the song is singing about a departed lover, but most of the lyrics echoes how I feel so perfectly. At night when I can’t sleep missing Phil, I’ll sing the first verse as I cry myself to sleep.

The stars lean down to kiss you,
And I lie awake I miss you,
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere,
‘Cause I’ll doze of safe and soundly,
But I’ll miss your arms around me,
I’d send a postcard to you dear,
‘Cause I wish you were here.

(Adam Young, Vanilla Twilight)

Well I guess I am lucky that so many songs seems to apply to so many phases of my life, it helps when I myself ran out of ways and words to describe or express how I feel. So before I start wallowing again I’ll go hear Auburn’s All about Him. (Lol, Phil hates this song, sorry hun I think it’s cute).

Depress???...

For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel like I want to read. It is funny really, I have just bought a lot of books at a recent book warehouse sale, and I am not reading. Sis says I must be real depressed, because only depression makes a person not feel like doing what she likes to do. I don’t know whether I am or not, I don’t feel that really sad feeling when I am depress, but I have been sad so long I might feel it is normal after all to feel the way I feel. I admit I am tired, dad has been dragging us around travelling, because he can’t stand being at home when boy is not around (he’s most probably having the time of his life in Taman Negara), so not being home and always driving is making me tired and therefore more susceptible to feeling down. It also means I have been missing a few chats with Phil, I am never happy then.

I don’t know, I guess I will just have to hang on until this phase past and I can get back doing what I like, and who knows maybe tomorrow I get to have a long chat with Phil like we had a few days ago, that always make me feel happy for a few days. Until then I’ll just sing Vanilla Twilight and make me miss Phil all the more, I do so like to make myself miserable. :)

There are Days...

There are days
I don’t remember how to smile,
I don’t know what the sun feels like,
and I wonder why my heart still beats.

There are days,
I think it’ll be dark forever,
and that the slow twisting knife in heart
will never stop bleeding me dry.

There are days,
the pain constantly makes me
want to end it all
so that the silent do not deafen.

Days like that
are when I think of You most
and remember only You
will be my savior
and Your blessing comes in
various, mysterious ways.

Rambling On

Well I don’t know what to write actually, have no clear purpose really, but so many things running through my mind that somehow I find myself opening up words. My mood is on a roller coaster ride lately, but somehow this roller coaster is designed to ride on really negative emotions, I have been going up and down on sad and angry tracks. I spend the whole day yesterday crying, one of the reasons is because it is that time of the month, that just leave my mood unstable, another reason is missing Phil and Mom, and as the days go by any little reason seems to feed the tears as well. Actually I have been sad so long; I don’t really recall how it feels to be happy yesterday. I told Phil about it and as usual he gave me a simple answer, but somehow it made me feel better. Let me quote verbatim, it’s better that way.

[3:14:30 PM] Phil McQuinn: Ya the trick I find is not dwelling on sad stuff. I can get really down but then I think about you instead. I don’t think that thinking about problems helps if you can’t solve them they just upset you and make you feel helpless, better to just go do something you can do.

So I guess that is why I am typing now, to just do something I can do. I wish I could write stories, but I seem to be like Mom, I like writing about stuff that happens to me, I get stuck when I try to invent stories. I am good at poetry but Phil summed it up it nicely, poems are good for awards not for financial health. I am still thinking about that story idea I had, and from time to time have ideas on how to expand it, but for now it remains as ideas, I can’t seem to put it down on paper, or more accurately type it out on screen. Well maybe one of these days I will.

On a different note, all my friends know I love to sing and I always have a book full of lyrics around me always, I used to print out lyrics that I like to sing and keep them in folders. The problem is it is too bulky to carry around. I know I need to have something small and easy to carry and slip in my handbag, it occurred to me on my road trip to Wales when I needed to sing to accompany the beautiful scenery and can’t recall a lot of songs, showing my age of course, I used to remember 20 songs at least. So I bought this small notebook and been trying to copy down lyrics in. What I found out is that, my fingers are so used to typing that writing now is agonizing, so my project is going slowly, one lyric a day is all I can manage.

Well I guess that is all for now, enough rambling for one day. Hope I’ll write in a better mood next time. Happiness to all.

When Words Fail

Words failed me again
I tried to write how I felt
but nothing seems to fit
how could I describe
a pain so exquisite
that no simile could compare
how could I explain
a loss so huge
no hyperbole could fully express it
I tried and I tried
with every poems and stories
but nothing really could ease the fact
that I do not have you here with me.
I miss you!

rya
6/10/11
11:45 a.m.