Jumbled Mind

My mind has been invaded by a jumble of thoughts lately, that it has been hard trying to stay focus. My mood also has been tumbling around more than tumbleweed would. I have been thinking about writing for days, but just couldn’t find the right mood. I have been missing Phil really bad lately and whenever that happen it awakens another hurt, missing Mum. I can assuage missing Phil by skyping with him, but even reciting what people tells me to recite in honor of Mum would not take away the pain. I know from what people told me that I’ll always miss her just that with time it will get easier, and I guess not enough time has pass for me.

These past few weeks I have been thinking about her desperate request when she first woken up from the induce coma and she was quite lucid, she ask if I was married and when I told her no, she begged real desperately for me to get married. Since I finish my degree Mum has been teasingly requesting me to get married, and I would always teasingly tell her my destiny is to look after her and not some man, and she’d refuse that and said she wants to have grandchildren and I have to try hard to give her that. Well on that day after jokingly telling her I can’t get married because I have to look after her and she seriously told me my husband would look after her, so I push the joke aside and promised her I’ll try to fulfill her wish if she would only get well fast. It is my biggest regret I can’t fulfill that wish in her lifetime and no one would have known how my heart bleed when someone said at her funeral, it’s a shame she’ll never see her children married and have children of their own. Some people never know how thoughtless and insensitive their innocent comments could be, I guess.

Then my mind has also been swirling about this fairytale mom use to tell me when I was young. It was a long story, told to Mum by her grandmother as reward for pulling her grandma’s grey hair, so you can imagine how the story was dragged out so great grandma can get the most worth out of the story. I have an idea how to retell it with the protagonist who just lost her mother and in her nostalgia of recalling the story her late mother told her somehow stumble into the story itself. I have been trying to start writing it for days now, but as usual my muse stay silent, and stories are always harder on me than poetry. Well praying I can get this done, just for the satisfaction it’ll bring me.

I have also been thinking about Phil and I, I can’t believe it has been 2 years plus since we first said hello in the knighthood forum. Knighthood is already canceled but it has forged a strong bond for us. I have been meaning to write about us just to clarify it in my mind, but again my unfocused mind is not letting me write anything I want. I am amaze I get to write these few paragraphs today, that is how jumbled my mind has been these days.
Well I guess that is all for now. What the hell am I going to title it now? It is always a problem. LOL

Idup coceles

I was barely 2 years old, and living in grandma’s house, a staunch UMNO supporter, and I was spouting Hidup Sosialis (Live on Socialist) taught by my dad who was in Parti Sosialis Rakyat Malaysia then. It amuses him until now that I with my two years lisp would shout it loudly in a household and family who was pro-government, but that was how I was taught from the very beginning to always choose for myself what I feel right and not what the majority thought was right. Dad raised a rebel right from the start. All my life my dad taught me to look at things from all sides and he also taught me to look for things beneath the surface because so much is hidden if we are not taught to look, so many things easily manipulated so we are fooled, that it became second nature for me to think differently from others because my eyes saw different things than others.

Because of his lessons I was supplemented in my political intelligence so it took over the spoon feeding culture of our school and I always question everything that was told to me, so that I never take things at face value. As I grew up though, I noticed that I become too passionate about stuff that I care about that it threatens to overwhelm me, I put the brakes on and tried to be obsessed about natural teenagers stuffs like boy bands etc, and to my dad dismay I seem to limit my reading materials to romance novels, he is still upset I won’t read ‘The Lords of the Rims’. But I guess I chose to keep my sanity rather than be consume by a cause that will sapped the life out of me just by the fact I will be in the minority and it can take me to the end of my life without any result, so I chose to concentrate to personal causes I can win.

But from time to time, I will be affected especially when I see so many not seeing the right things, and I will speak up and then of course time and again be disappointed because not many could accept what I say because they weren’t expose to the same thing I was, wasn’t brought up the way I was, of course I’ll find a few who could agree, but too few to mention, so then again I decide to keep my peace ‘til the next time I am roused again. LOL

Phil was brought up in a different culture altogether, where how I was thought to think was an anomaly, in his it is the norm, and he is of the same mold of dad, you have to know and be aware of all these things and fight for the cause in any small way you can, both of them passionate but strong enough to not be consumed, so like dad, he does not really get it why someone like me choose to avoid or to be more accurate hide myself. So the way Phil sees it maybe she does not know what to read or what to look at, so he started giving me books, and pointed out news for me to look at, and yes I admit, I should try be like them, be aware yet not let it affect me too much, care but not let it be my whole life, which I must say is very difficult. But as Phil says, I am still growing up, so I will learn.

So for my friends, this few days I finally snapped and couldn’t keep my silence, if my opinion differ from yours, I hope you know, I come from a different angle altogether, not that I don’t respect your opinion but I am trying to give a different view which you might have missed. But I know everyone of you appreciate that others can disagree and not be frightened by it, because the right to having a different opinion is what being human is all about, there are times when we are individuals and there are times when we are part of a collective. Live and let live!

Playing with My Hair

One fine day as we were chatting on Skype, Phil linked me a youtube video, he is wont to link me things of interest from time to time. That day it was a how to video of different style of braids. I found out that to relax my man likes to watch hairstyling videos done by cute girls, LOL. But, I don’t know how he knows, I love to play with my hair, I learned to do French braids, French twist and stuff by watching others as I grew up. I never thought to go google it to learn more, so Phil gave me a whole afternoon of pleasure just going through one how to videos after another. It set me off learning all this different styles of braiding, and a whole few weeks of practicing it and it took my mind of missing him and worrying about my flight to UK, oh yes my honey really knows how to take my mind of things, one of the reason why I love him.

Ok, let’s get back to my story, yesterday Phil linked me a video of an interview of Ukrainian Opposition Leader, Yulia Timoshenko, apart from discussing her political troubles, I mentioned sheepishly to Phil that I like her hairstyle.



So lo and behold, Phil said let me dig up something for you, and he linked me a youtube video of how to do the hairstyle. The video was very easy to follow but it seems a bit complicated to me, so Phil linked up other videos of different way to approach it, bless him, instead of laughing at me for being such a girl and noticing the hairstyle instead of seriously discussing the issues he was trying to highlight, he understood and actually paid attention to my interest.



So here are different angles of how my first try at the braid turn out. I could use more practice and most probably a mirror, I did it while watching Merlin on tv, but I think it turn out quite nice.









Well thank you hun for being the man you are, it gave me hours of pleasure and yes took my mind of missing you so much. :)

Is it Worth it?

Sometimes I wonder
if it is worth
all this tears and heartache
all the agony of missing him
and
all the pain of longing for someone so faraway
trying to remember
what it felt like to feel
so alone
so lonely
so unwanted
so loveless
and I know that it is worth it,
because there will be an end
to the pain,
and the pleasure will be more appreciated
when its time come
and ‘til then
I’ll just bask
in the memory of
his smile
his loving eyes
and hold on
to our talk
on cyber space
‘til we meet again!

rya
26/6/11
12.12 a.m.

Windmills in my mind

I don’t know what to write actually or whether I should even write this, but my mind has been going round and round it since I have been back, I just can’t keep it straight anymore, I need the clarity that writing it out would give me. Phil’s friend keeps telling me that I got to learn to be selfish, that in life in order to get anywhere we have to think of ourselves first. He was telling me in regards of decisions I have to make in life especially in regards of what is good for my relationship with Phil. I know he sees it as easy as choosing what is advantageous for us rather than thinking of the good of everyone else. Well the thing is he sees it from his point of view, but in a way what I am choosing now is quite selfish, I am choosing what I want, to have him and to have my family happy with me, though in the end the one that is suffering for now is me. But all the compromise that I have been shown won’t give me what I really need and want, so I am being selfish for wanting it my own way and not willing to compromise that. I am lucky though that Phil is willing to accept that however it pains him and I guess that is why I love him so much and respect him for it, for that ability to see my point of view despite how it goes against the grain of his worldview.

Another thing that is whirling in my mind is Phil’s insistence of the freedom that I’ll have to face when I am with him and his wanting me to embrace it. As he sees it I am too confine now and that the freedom that will be mine will be a problem and I am in need of some training for it. But the funny thing is as he says that, I don’t think he sees what I am choosing now is because I have the freedom of choice of what I want, and he is the one who gave it to me, lol, an irony and the funniest dichotomy ever, what he sees as me being restricted to tradition and culture, I see as a freedom of choice that he keeps insisting I have. Well again, it shows me that however different a background we both come from, however different our worldview is because how our world shape us, we share a core similarity that will make sure we go through all our differences as easy and painless as possible. As day goes by, I am more sure than ever that this is meant to be and that we love each other enough to make it till the end of our journey, maybe not unscathed, but strong enough to withstand it all, insyaallah!

Missing and Longing

“We may only have tonight, but till the morning sun, you’re mine, all mine,” kept singing that over and over today. Heard Plain White T’s new single Rhythm of Love a few weeks before I went to UK, liked it, but today as it plays on the radio and my heart was in pain with missing him so much, it eases with the simple lyric and easy on the ear melody. As always when I don’t get to chat with him I miss him a little bit more than usual, nothing really helps till I get to chat with him again or get a short text, but both didn’t happen yet, but listening to the song again and again online helps. Thank god, it is never comfortable this hurting, and I think my eyes is relieve for the break it is giving me because true to the lyric, “all your tears will subside, all your tears will dry,” I have stop crying for the day.

I don’t know why I am missing him this much, it feels like a part of me is missing, boy is furious with me moping around all the time, but I can’t help it, it is just how I am feeling all the time now. Before I went back I ask for him to give me something to wear to remember him by, I was actually aiming at his chains, but I couldn’t do it, I knew how he loves it, but to have something he has worn so long, and on me all the time, would be cool. Instead he bought me clothes, lol. Well the t-shirt I wore home is good for everyday use, but not till sis noticed that I am kind of wearing it every day. Then when I sent that to the wash, I start wearing the cute dress he bought me, lol, which starts boy asking why am I wearing such a nice dress just to sent sis to the market? Well I can’t actually tell them it is because I miss him so much and I need him near, they will laugh or shake their head, so hun do u see how the chain would have been easier, lol.

Well till we don’t have to say we may only have tonight I guess I got to learn to cope better and trust that soon we will be together. I love you hun, so much!

p.s Plain White T's Rhythm of Love

Letters to Mummy 8

Dear Mummy,

I am in mess, both body and mind. I know the last post I made was a part 1 of my visit to Phil. I was supposed to write many more, but I got too busy and too tired to write. I am home now, I am happy I am home, I missed the family, the food, but at the same time I am extremely sad. I hate leaving him Mum and I hate that it is for indefinitely. We were supposed to get married this year, but financially it is just not doable, and the postponement hurts. I can’t bear to be without him anymore, but I can’t see a way out. He can, but he understand why I can’t and it is tearing us apart that it is me that is not making it possible. I know I have to talk to Dad and sees what he thinks, but I don’t know how Mom, since you are not around he has not been in the best of mood, and you know I don’t deal well with Dad. Phil don’t get it why I am so scared to talk to Dad, to his observation Dad is not a monster and he doesn’t get it why a 35 years old still cringe thinking of asking her dad stuff. But you know Mom, you and Adik has always been my buffer, Dad and I we are too alike, that we actually rubbed each other the wrong way sometime, and I have learnt to fear the consequences, he can hurt me like no one else can, with just a word, and he can comfort me like no one else can, with just a smile. Mom, I miss you, I miss talking to you, sounding you out before talking to Dad, having you intervene if things get too tense, Mummy, I need you, now!

I know it is not fair, but there’s no one I could turn to anymore. I know Phil has my back, but I know in this he is not objective either, Mummy, I don’t know what to do. Mummy, I need you!

I am sorry. I shouldn’t do this. But I am that lost now, Mom, I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop thinking, but the thing is I can’t make myself talk to anyone, alive that is. I am just too scared and my mind to scattered to make myself heard right. Had a long talk with Phil, but it just get short of an argument, with him going back to his prodding method trying to get me motivated, and thank god I am calm, or is it passively tired enough, not to rise to his trolling, because I don’t think I could handle a fight right now. It would be just the thing to just push me all right, but I don’t think it will be the direction he wants me to go. I don’t know Mom, right now I feel like I am being pulled in two directions, and that soon I might just fall apart. All I am doing now is praying for strength and clarity, but neither seems to be coming in just yet. So I write to you, which make most question my sanity anyway, but what else can I do. I can’t let this starts tearing holes in my mind, trying to sort itself out. I don’t know if it is the best idea to do, but it is the only thing I can do. Forgive me!

Along

My Visit Part 1

It finally happened, I get to visit Phil instead of him visiting me. (Now that I have been through the long flight and transit, I apologize hun, it was horrid, and you went through that three times, ouch!) It was an experience, first time I travel alone, all my life I have been sheltered, even when I was in boarding school I only had to take the bus alone from kl once, mostly dad picked me up for the holidays. When I am not so tired I might write the things I had observed and experienced on the flight, but let's just say, it wrecked me inside out.

Throughout the plane ride to UK I was nervous with anticipation and impatient for it to end. By the time I arrived I was a bundle of nerves, and too tired to actually enjoy it fully. But what I can say I was inspired when looking out of the plane's window I saw a blanket of thick clouds that at times looks like a vast ocean and at other times seems like a beautiful valley, and once we descended and got past the cloud my first sight of Manchester was beautiful, it is so green, what came into my mind, and the tiny little houses were adorable. But then the long wait for the passport check and the longer search for my bag, I was ready to faint, countless of times of staring at the carousel for my bag after a glimpse of it while I was getting to the carousel, but then it never came out again, I think after about half an hour of inspecting each bag even though it is of different style and colour than mine, I finally thought to checked out the bags that I saw someone had lined up nicely on the other side of the carousel, and straight away I saw it and saying to myself how stupid can I get. Well that was why by the time I saw Phil with a bouquet of flowers, though I registered it and thought it was damn sweet (btw hun that was the first time anyone gave me flowers), I barely could thank him because I was holding on to him for dear life afraid my dizziness would turn into a faint, which would have been embarrassing.

Well I guess that is about it for now, will be writing when I have the chance, thought I get this down while it is still fresh, have fun everyone, I surely aim to. :)

Goodbye Knighthood. ;(

(One of my favorite avatar on KH)


Hmm, I started the day quite fresh, happy and was sleepily watching American Idol. Then I had to go out to pay bills and nearly was hit by another car as I was making my way out of my housing area, shook me to the core, one more day before I make my way to see Phil and his family and I nearly died.

I have been having mix feelings about tomorrow, I am supremely excited to go a bit nervous of course but at the same time the game that is the major reason why I am going tomorrow is ending its run. Knighthood helped me at the time I needed it most and then introduced me to the love of my life and brought so many interesting and kind people to the sphere of my existence and to think it is going to end without me ever taking my Marquise to war is real sad. Only people who have played Knighthood would know what a huge impact that game has had on our lives. I still remember the thrill of attacking and seizing every time I hear Lady Gaga’s Poker Face, because that was one of the songs I listened to when warring, I was glad I had the chance to war on Chivalry and KH MySpace, and as I said my biggest regret was not warring with the original KH, but by the time I knew enough to war I was too scared to go, a personal phobia that I am very sad I can’t overcome now that it is ending.

I don’t think I would ever have the sense of fun and camaraderie and intense competition that I have had playing Knighthood. I shall miss it and shall ever be grateful for its existence because my chance encounter of playing it helped me through the worse depression I have yet to face and then as a bonus it threw in a Knight to share my journey in life. So I guess thanks for all the good times and memories. Goodbye!

Letters to Mummy 7

Dear Mummy,

I was going to visit you yesterday, but as usual something happened and stopped me from visiting. I so wanted to go, I guess it is kind of silly to actually think I need to be at your grave physically to tell you of my upcoming visit to Phil. I know I could just whisper it and you’ll hear no matter where I am, but I haven’t been there for quite a while now, and I miss you Mum. I have been crying a lot lately, when I think of you, so many things are happening in my life that I want you to share, that I need you to know, and it hurts that I couldn’t.

So Mum I just want your blessing and please watch over me on my long journey, I’ll be travelling alone for the first time, and to be honest, though I am excited, I am terrified. I would have done anything in this world to have you calmly telling me that everything will be alright now, I miss you so much!

I’ll try to visit you when I come home. ‘Til then, Alfatihah.

Love,
Along

Get It Right

I was watching Glee because sis was watching it. Little did I know I would listen to a song that strikes a chord in me, the original song Get It Right, touched how I am feeling most of the time now. The chorus:-

What can you do
When your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
Oh how many times will it take
For me to get it right
To get it right

I quoted this to Phil, and he was like, kind of depressing isn’t it? But I guess with how I am most of the time now it aptly describes my feelings. How I wish I could just turn around and fix all my mistakes, and that my best effort would pay, but I don’t have a magic wand, and life does not work that way. Somehow I have to find the strength to go on, and face the consequences of my mistakes, when all my instincts tell me to roll up and cry. But I can’t, so as usual I get up, and try my best to wade through all the muck I have made of my life and I am grateful that I don’t have to do it alone, my loved ones, thank god for them, would be holding out their hand to drag me out of this quagmire. Lord help…

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother’s Day! Though to be honest, that greeting feels kind of hollow to me this year. It also make me sad, because for a couple of years I have been meaning to write about Mum, how above all odds she was the greatest mother to us children, but postponing it year after year because of writer’s block, and now it hurts too much to write it because Mummy won’t be able to read it. I miss her still, and funnily enough though time has tried to do its work, the pain still hurts as much, just that it has become familiar and not in the way anymore. Life is moving on for us of course, nothing stops, and problems are still there to be faced, changes coming to be dealt with but at the back of my mind thoughts, memory and longing lingers. I miss you Mummy, I wished it could have been another year of cakes and flowers but I know you know we love you so much wherever you are now.

Adieu for now, the tears are coming down too heavily to continue. Till next time, have fun!

Rambling on!

I don’t know why, but I have been super stressed out lately not to mention extremely sad. Phil has been extremely sweet this couple of weeks, and I should be happy, he spend a lot of time making sure he chats with me, I mean really chat, instead of just hi hun, how are doing, I really got to do my chores in wow, catch ya later, we talk and as always he really knows how to make up for those breezy chats. I guess I am antsy about the trip, worrying things would go wrong and I wouldn’t be able to go and couldn’t see him, I am having nightmares about it. I miss him so much, and the constant pain is like my best friend now, a familiar ache that just wouldn’t go away. If anyone would have told me that love hurts this much, I wouldn’t have been praying for it. Well as I wrote long ago, if you never taste pain you wouldn’t know what pleasure is. Well as always, limited pc time, so ‘til I get inspired to write, have a good time. :)

Letters to Mummy 6

Dear Mummy,

Tomorrow is your birthday, and I am feeling so sad. No longer do I need to think what cake to get you this year, you loved your cakes so much, and each year it was fun thinking what you would enjoy. It was also fun locating the most practical gift to give you, you always had this weird fond smile when you opened my gifts, I knew you wanted frivolous stuff from me sometime, but I leave that to the sibs, practical is the way I roll, when you can read, books you like, when your eyes gave you problems, it is stuff like bags to keep your combs, pill boxes, things you can use. I miss that, thinking what to get you and searching for it.

The rose plant dad gave you for your anniversary last year is blooming it single red rose, as if it knows tomorrow is your birthday and how much you love blooming roses. Mummy we are moving on though we miss you so much, that we have to learn to face each moments lost now that you are not here and it still hurts, like the other day, I went to trim my hair and I cried on the way back because I would never have to bring you to trim yours anymore. So I asked Phil, would it always be this way that each moments lost to me would hurt? I don’t know Mom, but know that I will always try to honour your memory by going on strongly as you did in your life; I love you Mummy, Happy Birthday!

Along

Hurting

You did it out of love
worried that I have lost my way,
I guess it hurt you to hurt me,
but was I so lost,
that it needed
that big a shock,
that big a hurt?
My eyes still sore
from two days of crying,
knew you wouldn’t apologize,
but because a hug
can’t be given,
can’t I at least get a
sorry for making you cry hun
plus the ‘you so needed that’
because I love you so much
the hurt multiplies
what would have stung
bled
what would have bled
festered
know that I know
it was done out of love
still didn’t take away the pain

rya
10.50 p.m.
21 March 2011

Help!

I don’t know where else to turn. Only to you, the Almighty could help me now. I have royally screwed up my life and I have no idea how to fix it. You have given me glimpses of how great my future could be, but this could put a halt to everything. Oh Lord, only to you could I ask to make this burden easier, because right now I don’t see a way out of this mess. The eternal silence of that dark deep place is tempting now, so tempting, but hopefully my faith in you and my love to my beloveds would keep me safe from it. But Lord, I am really at the end of my rope, I am confuse, worried, guilty, and so many other things. Could you please show me the way out. I need to hope that things would turn out all right, that happy future you showed me glimpses of is possible. I know Lord, I haven’t done the best that I can, and I have gotten lost so often, but I have faith in Your love and it keeps me hanging on. Please, could you show me the way because I am truly lost.

Letters to Mummy 5

Dear Mummy,

He made me cry today, I think for the first time since we knew each other. I have cried before because of him, but mainly because I miss him too much or he ignored all my whispers in WoW, but today i cried because he hurt me, and I don’t like it Mum. I don’t like people having the power to hurt me like that when they hold my heart in their hand. It is too painful, and you are not here to hug the pain away.

It was just a stupid joke; I know that but it being a joke did not take the sting of the hurt from that statement. I love him Mum, so much, but today reminded me how much those you love have the power to hurt you. I need you Mummy, I need you to tell me it is alright, I need you to hug me, I just need you! Abang is already asking why I am crying, I can’t tell him Mum, you know how defensive he gets about me.

Well Mummy, as usual I don’t have the computer time to actually write you a long letter, so I guess that is it for now. I miss you so much!

Along

My Prayer

once upon a lonely night
i whispered a desperate plea
to the constant best friend
in my life,
Lord,
i said,
know that i am grateful
for all You have given me
and i accept everything
with the grace You have bestowed,
but,
would it be too much
to ask for a companion
to accompany me on this hard
lonely road you have set me,
someone wise
so he can guide me
someone with humour
so he can laugh with me and make me laugh
someone kind
so he’ll be gentle with my capricious mood
someone with the strength of heart
so he can take all the blows we’ll face
and Lord,
if it is not too much
can he sing too?

Well now after another lonely night,
all i can say Lord,
thank you, Alhamdulillah,
my lonely nights are because of missing
that someone You sent,
my prayers You answered so spectacularly,
but the singing was too much to ask, eh?


rya
18 March 2011
7.25 a.m.

Who?

there are times like now
when things are coming at me
too fast
everything is hurling its way
onto a collision course
with my troubled mind
I just need to
hear you say
I got you
don’t worry
I got your back
who do I depend on
now
Mum?

rya
15 March 2011
12.54 a.m.

Whispers

Each night as the moon shines on,
ushering dreamers on their journey
to dreamland,
I whispered to the breeze
to sent my longing to you,
not even the sweetest dream
could assuage my love starved heart,
however bright the moon shines
it couldn't light the darkness
in me
alone without you,
so as the wind blows on its journey,
on a wing of a prayer
I sent my love to you,
in hope that soon
the moon would be shining for us
at the same time in the same place
while we dream the same dream!


rya
13 March 2011
1.45 a.m.