I hate being an emotional sponge. What do I mean? Well I have always been affected by the emotional environment I am in. If other people are happy, I am happy, if they are angry even if it is at someone that has nothing to do with me I am angry too, if they are tense then I am tense, you get the picture. It is not only people; the weather also affects me if it is dark and gloomy like it is now then more often than not the dark clouds will be in my head too.
When I am like this not a lot could bring me out of the doldrums, I read a joke and I’ll cry, someone smile at me and I’ll cry, I’ll do that until my emotional sponge has been all wrung out and only then I am able to absorb something else. What I hate most is I am not fit to be in others company when I am like this, be it when I am sad, angry or tense because it is not pretty what I am capable of doing to others. The only time when it is good is when I am exuberantly happy and help other people be happy too.
The worse thing is, when I am like this it brings out the worse self-doubt and feeling of inadequacy in me that could drive a normal person to their knees. I wonder sometime how am I still standing, but these constant fights with my emotions are really draining as I get older. Each time it happens I feel lonelier because as I mentioned I automatically withdraw from contacts by people who loves me so as not to hurt them, but deep inside I know I need someone to be my line to sanity and I just couldn’t decide who or more accurately find that someone who will love me no matter what I do. My biggest nightmare is dragging someone else down with me, so it only leaves me my faith in God’s embrace but am I worthy of being loved anyway!
Well as I said this the place I detoxify, please don’t worry over much about me, these things need to be taken out of my head so I could move on.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Mother’s Day
I am back to the land of melancholy again. I was happy for a while and that’s always a good sign for my writing because I’ll be really verbose and silly and funny. I have been meaning to write this few days but the melancholia stopped all the creative juices. I was going to talk about my useless trip to the orthopedic clinic and that didn’t get written. I was thinking also to write about how I love my mum for mother’s day and that didn’t happen either. But here goes.
Friends who know me well know that my mother is not well; she actually suffers from chronic schizophrenia and was diagnosed since she was 18. She had me when she was 26. So basically my whole life I’ve seen mum battling her illness so she could raise my siblings and I, to the best of her abilities. I don’t know how she does it that even in the darkest place she has been she had never forgotten that she’s our mum. She is one of the kindest, most caring of mothers that has ever been, and it saddens me that I can’t be the kindest daughter all the time.
People have judged me and most find me wanting, these are people who sees me scolding my mum like the rudest daughter ever seen. What they don’t understand by the time I could take care of myself, I have been taking care of mum when she is sick, imagined a 9 year old trying to cajole her mom not to go out of the house naked. I had been trying to be a mother to my mum more than half of my life. During my younger years Dad was around more to take the slack, but he has to sleep and work sometimes too. Adik has taken the brunt of looking after her as well, but somehow mum just doesn’t like Adik when she is sick. So how would a young daughter takes control of her sick mother? Yes, you guessed it; she had to be the strict controlling mother who sometimes yells. But people from outside looking in thinks this is wrong, your mom should never be treated that way, in a perfect world I guess. But my world has never been perfect, so I deal with it with all the flaws I have been given.
Mummy, please know that every time I had to yell, scold or be mean, that it hurt me deep inside, but I have had no other choices available to me to keep you and everyone else safe. I love you mum and I know you love me too.
Happy mother’s day!
Friends who know me well know that my mother is not well; she actually suffers from chronic schizophrenia and was diagnosed since she was 18. She had me when she was 26. So basically my whole life I’ve seen mum battling her illness so she could raise my siblings and I, to the best of her abilities. I don’t know how she does it that even in the darkest place she has been she had never forgotten that she’s our mum. She is one of the kindest, most caring of mothers that has ever been, and it saddens me that I can’t be the kindest daughter all the time.
People have judged me and most find me wanting, these are people who sees me scolding my mum like the rudest daughter ever seen. What they don’t understand by the time I could take care of myself, I have been taking care of mum when she is sick, imagined a 9 year old trying to cajole her mom not to go out of the house naked. I had been trying to be a mother to my mum more than half of my life. During my younger years Dad was around more to take the slack, but he has to sleep and work sometimes too. Adik has taken the brunt of looking after her as well, but somehow mum just doesn’t like Adik when she is sick. So how would a young daughter takes control of her sick mother? Yes, you guessed it; she had to be the strict controlling mother who sometimes yells. But people from outside looking in thinks this is wrong, your mom should never be treated that way, in a perfect world I guess. But my world has never been perfect, so I deal with it with all the flaws I have been given.
Mummy, please know that every time I had to yell, scold or be mean, that it hurt me deep inside, but I have had no other choices available to me to keep you and everyone else safe. I love you mum and I know you love me too.
Happy mother’s day!
Monday, May 4, 2009
Killer Smile Part 3
My dad is the kind of person who can tell a joke dead pan, and if you don’t know him better, you would think he is serious, and being the writer and film director he is no one can come up with a better story than him on the spot.
It so happened to be that cab driver’s day to be played by Dad. As we entered the cab, the driver was smiling widely at me; I managed to keep a straight face and just ignored him. As we started to move, Dad started to talk, and what he was saying, if I was not trained to not react to whatever outrageous things he like to say, I would have burst out laughing.
Dad was casually talking to us at the back, saying how he likes this tie given to him by my pilot fiancé. You should have seen the face of the driver, the blood drained from his face when he heard that. But that wasn’t enough for Dad, he started to weave this story of how I started meeting and dating and eventually all the plan for the wedding (all this time I was thinking, is that another script you are planning Daddy). Of course throughout all this Daddy dialogue, I had to give appropriate response, so that the guy will buy it, I was proud to say I managed to do it, though I was holding back the biggest giggle anyone have ever known (my stomach hurt big time).
At the end of the ride, I didn’t know who I was sorry for most, the driver or me. The driver because he looked so forlorn and lost, poor guy he picked the wrong girl to messed with. Myself because it hurt big time trying to keep a straight face and not laugh, I didn’t know how the rest of the family stood it as well, cause as soon as the cab left, we were laughing maniacally.
But the best thing was, we never get that driver ever when we call that cab company.
So these 2 incidents are what made me more cautious about smiling to strangers. Hmm, but then again both men were people who drives other people, maybe I should try smiling to other type of men to really test this theory out. On second thought I don’t want any more stalker. I’ll stick to my unsmiling face then.
So unless you’re a friend I won’t be smiling at you. ;)
It so happened to be that cab driver’s day to be played by Dad. As we entered the cab, the driver was smiling widely at me; I managed to keep a straight face and just ignored him. As we started to move, Dad started to talk, and what he was saying, if I was not trained to not react to whatever outrageous things he like to say, I would have burst out laughing.
Dad was casually talking to us at the back, saying how he likes this tie given to him by my pilot fiancé. You should have seen the face of the driver, the blood drained from his face when he heard that. But that wasn’t enough for Dad, he started to weave this story of how I started meeting and dating and eventually all the plan for the wedding (all this time I was thinking, is that another script you are planning Daddy). Of course throughout all this Daddy dialogue, I had to give appropriate response, so that the guy will buy it, I was proud to say I managed to do it, though I was holding back the biggest giggle anyone have ever known (my stomach hurt big time).
At the end of the ride, I didn’t know who I was sorry for most, the driver or me. The driver because he looked so forlorn and lost, poor guy he picked the wrong girl to messed with. Myself because it hurt big time trying to keep a straight face and not laugh, I didn’t know how the rest of the family stood it as well, cause as soon as the cab left, we were laughing maniacally.
But the best thing was, we never get that driver ever when we call that cab company.
So these 2 incidents are what made me more cautious about smiling to strangers. Hmm, but then again both men were people who drives other people, maybe I should try smiling to other type of men to really test this theory out. On second thought I don’t want any more stalker. I’ll stick to my unsmiling face then.
So unless you’re a friend I won’t be smiling at you. ;)
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Killer Smile Part 2
I don’t exactly recall whether this happened before or after the previous mentioned incident. Let’s just say it about a few months after my crazy chauffer guy from uni stalker incident. Daddy had a whole day of running errands planned for us, it just so happened our car was in the workshop so Daddy got me to call a cab and book it for the whole day.
I called our usual cab company because they have very reliable service, and sure enough in ten minutes the cab arrived. So Daddy, Mommy, Abang (who was around 16 months at that time) and I, got in the cab. Dad told the driver that we would like to go to many places around KL and we would need him for a few hours and ask whether he was willing, He turned and look at us at the back, smiled and pleasantly said his time is ours. So we proceed to Bangsar so that Daddy could be fitted for his new suit at his favourite tailor. Since it was quite a busy road, I stayed in the car with Abang, the moment dad and mom left the car the driver turned his attention to cute liitle abang and starts to talked to him. He was so good with Abang that I had to smile (BIG MISTAKE). Once he saw my smile, he stopped talking to abang but more of talking through abang, he started saying would abang like it if he could be friends with abang’s sister and stuff like that, hinting that he would like to get to know me better. I fended of his approach as nicely and politely as I could, but just before dad and mom got back in the car, the driver told me that if I call for taxi I should mention his number and name and he’d come and picked me up whenever. Luckily I was never again left alone with the driver and at the end of the day I was relieved to see him gone. He was creeping me out all the way, constantly checking me out through the rearview mirror or quick hurried glances. I thought that was the end, and I’ve learned not to panic and give my number to strangers.
The next day, we had to go to function in town, this time Adik made the call for the cab, I forgot to tell her to use another company, so she called the same one we used yesterday. To my horror the same driver yesterday came to pick us up. I started to panic; Dad saw and asked what is wrong, so I told him how pushy and inappropriate the driver had been to me yesterday. Daddy said he’ll take care of it.
I was afraid that Daddy will lose his temper and a fight will ensue. But what happened instead is classic daddy caper. He always does the unexpected. What did my dad do to the driver? Find out in the next installment.
I called our usual cab company because they have very reliable service, and sure enough in ten minutes the cab arrived. So Daddy, Mommy, Abang (who was around 16 months at that time) and I, got in the cab. Dad told the driver that we would like to go to many places around KL and we would need him for a few hours and ask whether he was willing, He turned and look at us at the back, smiled and pleasantly said his time is ours. So we proceed to Bangsar so that Daddy could be fitted for his new suit at his favourite tailor. Since it was quite a busy road, I stayed in the car with Abang, the moment dad and mom left the car the driver turned his attention to cute liitle abang and starts to talked to him. He was so good with Abang that I had to smile (BIG MISTAKE). Once he saw my smile, he stopped talking to abang but more of talking through abang, he started saying would abang like it if he could be friends with abang’s sister and stuff like that, hinting that he would like to get to know me better. I fended of his approach as nicely and politely as I could, but just before dad and mom got back in the car, the driver told me that if I call for taxi I should mention his number and name and he’d come and picked me up whenever. Luckily I was never again left alone with the driver and at the end of the day I was relieved to see him gone. He was creeping me out all the way, constantly checking me out through the rearview mirror or quick hurried glances. I thought that was the end, and I’ve learned not to panic and give my number to strangers.
The next day, we had to go to function in town, this time Adik made the call for the cab, I forgot to tell her to use another company, so she called the same one we used yesterday. To my horror the same driver yesterday came to pick us up. I started to panic; Dad saw and asked what is wrong, so I told him how pushy and inappropriate the driver had been to me yesterday. Daddy said he’ll take care of it.
I was afraid that Daddy will lose his temper and a fight will ensue. But what happened instead is classic daddy caper. He always does the unexpected. What did my dad do to the driver? Find out in the next installment.
Killer Smile
I have given up smiling!No really, what I mean is that I've forced myself not to smile at strangers, because it seems my smile seems to have strange effect on certain kind of men.
What do I mean?
Well let me tell you what happened to me once. It happened to me when I was just a fresh young thing in uni. I was on my way back to my room from class one day and I decided to cut through the admin building because it was too hot to walk outside. As I was climbing up the steps, I noticed a guy with a chauffer uniform was cheerfully helping a lady with some boxes, he was so cheerful I couldn't help but smile at the situation. So there I was smilling to myself really about how nice it is to see human kindness and willingness to help others. What I didn't notice was that this guy thought I was smilling at him, and it must have struck him quite powerfully, cause he proceed to follow me from behind. I thought nothing of it, cause the route I was taking is quite popular route taken by staffs and students alike. It was until I almost reach the safety of hostel block building that I noticed that the man was actually following me. I turned and look at him questioningly, wondering whether I dropped anything.
He smiled and started to ask for my name and telephone number, there I was 19 or 20 (i can't recall exactly) looking at this man who could be my father's age and hearing the worse pick up line in my life. I said no, and started to walk faster, he followed faster and grabbed my hand (which creeps me up tremendously) and stopped me from escaping further.
He said that he just wanted to get to know me and maybe call sometime. I panicked. In that panic I stupidly rattled out my number and ran into the safety of my girls' only hostel building.
He kept calling me again and again, even after I was rude to him or simply hang up. Finally I had to ask a guy friend to have a man to man talk with this crazy stalker of mine.
This was not the only incident that convinced me not to use my smile on strangers, but I am too tired to tell the story now. Let's save that for another post cause it is a funnier and a longer story.
ciao.
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