I hate being an emotional sponge. What do I mean? Well I have always been affected by the emotional environment I am in. If other people are happy, I am happy, if they are angry even if it is at someone that has nothing to do with me I am angry too, if they are tense then I am tense, you get the picture. It is not only people; the weather also affects me if it is dark and gloomy like it is now then more often than not the dark clouds will be in my head too.
When I am like this not a lot could bring me out of the doldrums, I read a joke and I’ll cry, someone smile at me and I’ll cry, I’ll do that until my emotional sponge has been all wrung out and only then I am able to absorb something else. What I hate most is I am not fit to be in others company when I am like this, be it when I am sad, angry or tense because it is not pretty what I am capable of doing to others. The only time when it is good is when I am exuberantly happy and help other people be happy too.
The worse thing is, when I am like this it brings out the worse self-doubt and feeling of inadequacy in me that could drive a normal person to their knees. I wonder sometime how am I still standing, but these constant fights with my emotions are really draining as I get older. Each time it happens I feel lonelier because as I mentioned I automatically withdraw from contacts by people who loves me so as not to hurt them, but deep inside I know I need someone to be my line to sanity and I just couldn’t decide who or more accurately find that someone who will love me no matter what I do. My biggest nightmare is dragging someone else down with me, so it only leaves me my faith in God’s embrace but am I worthy of being loved anyway!
Well as I said this the place I detoxify, please don’t worry over much about me, these things need to be taken out of my head so I could move on.
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