When September Comes

My birthday month is coming around again, not something I enjoy, not when last year proof to be one of the worse I have ever had, it was the month that Mummy fell, it was the month where I was looking after Mummy, and at times so frustrated, I wish it was over soon, and to my horror it ended definitively with Mum passing away. I am not looking forward to turning 35 this year. I know I shouldn’t be this way. I have so many things to be grateful for, but my glass is always half empty when September comes. No matter how I try, I can never think happy thoughts. I have always felt I was alone in this until I met Phil, he hates his birthdays too, and he is the first one who ever understood why I might be so miserable on my birthday.

For a moment this year I thought I might be happy on my birthday, thought I could be with him this year by the time I turn 35, but it is not meant to be. Funny though, I have managed to have Phil here to celebrate two of his birthdays, but never manage it for mine, and sometimes I wonder if he’d even remember. I remember the first year we knew each other, I was so desperately wanting for him to wish me happy birthday that I blurt out after about an hour of chatting, “Aren’t you ever going to say it?” Which got me a startled, “Say what?” So I just said, “Happy birthday of course, it is my birthday today.” He was sweet of course after wishing me, he got one of his friend to swear as power 20 lady to my Knighthood account, and I think that was his only birthday present so far, I can’t recall what he did for my birthday last year, but understandably so, last year was a terrible time for me, I can’t recall much of anything else.

This year I am just hoping I’ll get through it without much tears. I don’t think that would be very achievable, because I am already crying now, thinking about it, thinking just how last year Mum was celebrating it with me in pain, that I would have never imagined that was my last birthday with her. I miss you so much Mum. How am I going to get through this month without you? I never knew anyone could live and be this sad for so long. Phil mentioned today, that all my SMS to him has been really sad, and I can’t deny it. I live in perpetual sadness now, from missing Mum and him every day. I do try to be happy in all the little moments that I can, like finding joy in being with the family, smiling at cute happy song, or learning to braid my hair in different styles, little things like that. But it seems like I am enfolded in a thick cloud of sadness that will only be penetrated by the shine of joy now and again. Well I am grateful for that I suppose and try to find happiness more often until I really could be happy again always.

Happy Birthday Abang Yasleh Khaliff Amri

Happy birthday, Boy! I can’t believe you are sixteen already. It feels like yesterday that I was holding you in my arms at 3 a.m. begging you to sleep. I think that started the ritual of singing to you as loud as I can until I go hoarse or you got back to sleep. It was funny that neither you crying nor my singing would wake up Mummy, Daddy, or Adik. They would continue to sleep knowing I’d take care of you. Well I did and loved every second of it, even though those 3 a.m. walkabout would made me sleepy in class the next day. Those were crazy times, after so long of asking and praying for another sibling, a baby I could play with, well I know you are not a doll, but I was barely sixteen when I started asking, so to me babies were like live dolls to be played with. I guessed that is why God waited until I was 19 to answer my prayer. Mummy had quite a relapse that year, so I took over right from the start, with Adik as my back up when I had to go to class, she was in form four, her honeymoon year, so we figured a few miss days wouldn’t matter much, to the consternation of her teachers of course.

So there I was taking the first bus out to KL , so I could take the earliest bus to UPM Serdang, meaning I had to wake up at 5 a.m. and then as soon as my classes are over rushing back home to you. I basically had no idea how to deal with a baby then, I learned firsthand from you and whatever little dad knows, and a few lucid moments from Mum. I made a lot of mistakes, I knew that now, but I guess I didn’t screw up too bad, you turned out to be quite a good young man, maybe more you than me, but I am really proud of you.

You have a long way yet to go, and I know you despair sometimes what the future might bring for you, but I believe in you and I know you will find your way somehow. I know you are sad to be celebrating this birthday without Mum, I am sad too, I wish you had more years with her, but the wheel turns when it wants to turn and we have no say in that. Please know that I know Mum loved you very much and she would be very proud of you. Happy 16 birthday, Abang, the family and I love you very much, no matter what.

Day in Day out

With every beat of my heart
I am calling your name
With every breath I take
I am crying for you
As each seconds ticked by
My thoughts are on you and only you

I live for moments we are together
But as each new dawn appears
Too many miles still separate us
And as each day comes to a close
I know no end of this separation

Tears are my constant companion
And pain a loyal friend
Will it ever end?

Rya
6.02 a.m
15/8/11

The Trip

I am going to try to recall my journey to UK last June. I don’t know how accurate this will be, my memory is not the best, I tend to forget a lot the longer things happen, unlike people I know that can tell a story years after it happen. Well here goes.

The trip has been planned for quite a while, Phil really wanted me to come and meet his family, his mother in particular. So I said ok, get me a plane ticket and I’ll come during boy’s 2 weeks holiday. I wish I could have bought my own ticket so Phil didn’t have to work so hard, but the fact of the matter is GBP900 is easier to achieve than RM4500. Even then I know it was quite a while before Phil figured how to manage that. Well then once he kind of figured how to get the money, he had to figure out how to book the ticket, Phil is at a disadvantage when it comes to online form (I booked his first ticket to here, his sister did the second one, and his friend did the third, lol), he is so smart that it is so cute that online forms defeat him. But one lucky thing is Phil is always surrounded by people who love him enough to help him, so his friend again volunteered to help. What they found out was in this time of a lot of online scamming, airlines won’t accept an online payment of another person’s credit card for another person’s ticket. So that was a hurdle that took them a month to figure out, which sees the ticket price rises from GBP800 + to GBP900+. I don’t know what they did finally, I think they used a travel agency in the end, but they got me the tickets.

The day Phil told me it was settled I was so happy, but the wait for the online tickets was quite long, about two weeks I think, which set me worrying again. Once Walt emailed me the online ticket confirmation, I was like really relieved. Of course then I was a bundle of nerves of waiting for the day to come, planning what to pack, and worrying about the trip in general. I have never travelled anywhere alone. The last time I went oversea, I was 19 and had an aunt, a family friend and sis accompanying me. Even travelling in Malaysia, I think there was only two times I went alone for a holiday, once to Genting, and another one was to a hotel in Chow Kit for a brief three days break from routine. So safe to say I was worrying like hell about travelling out of the country alone.



I had to pack and repack so many times, I don’t know how I manage to actually bring anything lol. Next time I am so going to buy a scale so that Dad won’t make me take my third pair of jeans out, I really miss having a third pair of jeans, lol. The funny thing was with the limit being 23kg, my bag only weighed 16kg when we checked in, and I was like that jeans did not need to come out, lol. I went early to checked in so that I could ask for aisle seating because I know I am going to need the toilet a lot, but the flight was full and I got a window seat (which would have thrilled me when I was a child, lol), but he said I’ll be near the toilet and that was the best he could do. As usual, dad who doesn’t like goodbyes, told me to go in even though it was quite early yet, so I did after hugging them all half to death that is. The passport check was a breeze, slot in passport and hope to hell the thumbprint scanner can read my thumbprint (I always have problems with thumbprint scanner, lol) but this time it was kind, it decided my thumb was human and detectable, lol. So there I went onto the train to bring me to my gate and I went straight and waited for my gate to open, I waited nearly an hour I think, that was how early I was. But I had like four books in my handbag, so I was not bored, antsy I was, bored I was not.



Finally the gate opened and I went to wait inside the waiting hall for another half an hour, and finally the boarding call and I went on the plane. Found my seat, got comfortable and watched how my seatmate was trying to get a different seat because he requested to be near an exit or something. So after a bit I got a new seatmate, a 40 something Middle Eastern gentleman. I was careful not to smile, lol, (read my first post in this blog) I didn’t want anything to happen during that long flight lol. So when the plane took off I was like, finally, all the worries and anticipation of the past months left me. My seatmate don’t like to sit so I had no problem going to and forth the toilet. But he sure likes to drink, I think he ran the stewardesses haggard with his drink order, lol. Halfway through the flight, he was really tipsy and happy and started being very friendly. He told me he was an Iranian businessman who has been living in Malaysia for the past 2 years. He asked me where I am going and stuff, but he was really funny. He told me as he indicate to his 5th wine bottle, in Iran I am Muslim, I don’t drink, everywhere else I’m Christian, I drink. I was like he must play WoW lol, he is dual-spec. Well I don’t judge, people live as they want to live so I smiled (by that time I told him enough about Phil, I was not worried of my smile, lol). Then he proceeded to tell me about all the girl-friends that he has in every country he does business in and of course the two wives he left back in Iran. So safe to say I was not bored as the plane flies to Doha.



But in Doha was another matter, I landed around 11.45 pm and my flight out to Manchester is at 7.45 am the next morning. I had to kill 8 hours in that terminal, eating can only take so much time, lol. There was a quiet room provided for traveler in the terminal with lazy chairs and a darkened room in which you can rest, but it is always full, so I end up napping on the chair in front of my gates, it wasn’t very comfortable but I was real tired that I did manage about an hour nap I think. I didn’t want to be tempted with all the duty free shop so I didn’t window shop, I used the free internet service to logged in facebook and spend 15 minutes identifying friend’s tagged pictures for security purposes ( please I beg u fbers, tagged ur friend’s face, it is hard to identify which friend, lol when they are tagged to a picture of a handbag). Finally after going round the terminal a dozen times, lol I am very bad at waiting, and I found out when I am tired I don’t read really well, my gate opened, so I was among the first to go through. After waiting for a bit, the bus came to take us to the plane. I hardly recall the trip, I was that excited, and I have described how I felt when the plane first went through the thick cloud and I saw England or more accurately Manchester for the first time in my post before. Oh yeah one thing I have forgotten to mention, the food. I had an interesting food experience. Walter was worried about my food, he knows I have certain restrictions, so I told him if Halal is not available then he can put in for a kosher meal, that is the closest I think, but what Walter didn’t figure was Qatar already serve food that is prepared in the Islamic principle, so he put me in for kosher meals, so I was served kosher meal which came in sealed boxes I have to open and asked to be heated, lol.

So I guess that is it for now. Maybe I’ll write about my actual visit sometime when I am inspired. :)

My Hair and I :)

I saw Da checking out my blog the other day and overheard him saying, “always with her hair or stuck in her own world,” LOL. Well Da I make no excuse, my blog is about me, myself and I. As I basically said in my description whatever outburst I have at that moment in time I am moved to write. If it is about my hair, I’ll write about my hair, if it is a poem, then a poem, if it is about how much I am missing Phil, then it is about Phil and if need to talk to Mum, then a letter to Mum.



I went down today after doing up my hair in another do wanting to get the camera, which is inside the drawer at Da’s lappy desk. So I had to ask from Da, and he looked at me for the longest time, and ask, “Taking picture of your hair again eh?” and I nodded and smile, and he said, “Why don’t you just be a Mak Andam (a traditional Malay wedding make-up and hair specialist), because you like to play with your hair so much.” LOL Da, I like playing with my hair not other people.



Well Da playing with my hair now gives me something to concentrate on, rather than just mope around on how a mess I have made of my life now, on how much I miss Phil and how much I regret not being able to be with him this year as planned, on how much I miss Mummy and never seeing her smile at me ever again. Playing with my hair makes me happy, for a while, it gives me a sense of an accomplishment which I am short of at the moment. Basically it takes my mind of things that I don’t want to think of, like it is the first puasa without Mum , abang’s 16th birthday without Mum, first raya without Mum, my birthday without Mum and remembering my last birthday when Mum first fell and how I never thought that I wouldn’t see her this one, another birthday without Phil. Basically playing with my hair now is helping me not to drown in my despair.

I am kind of tired rereading my old books, so my hair is the other avenue to keep me on the sanity track. So Da, for now you’ll have to put up with me and my hair. And heads up, the latest Trudi Canavan trilogy would be good as my birthday present. LOL

Unaware

Surely time has pass enough
and taken the edges of pain away
but from time to time
I’d be caught unaware
and a thought
or a memory
flickered by
and it seems I’ve just lost you
and tears run down
and my heart ache
with the pain
I miss you Mum
all the time
I’ve learnt to deal with that
it is this stealthy pain
that’s hidden
that I don’t know what to do with.
Would it always be this way?
I wonder?

rya
3/8/11
12.46 p.m.