Dear Mummy,
Today would have been your 36th wedding anniversary, it makes me recall all your story of how you met dad and dad telling me why he married you and stuff. As you know Phil was here for almost three weeks, it gave us time to discuss what we are going to do. He asked me why I want to be with him after I told him of the reason why dad married you mom, Phil ask am I with him for the same reason. He caught me there for a moment, I couldn’t give him what I really felt because I was too shy to blurt it out, so I gave him the obvious answer, I told him we click, we just feel so right for each other. But the truth is, one lonely night over 2 or three years ago, I cried and broke down and begged God to send me a companion, someone who would complete me in every way and be my guide as I go through this journey of mine, and He answered my prayers. Phil is everything that I asked and more except that he can’t really sing (LOL, God knows I was kind of joking when I ask that), and as I contemplate your marriage mom, I am wondering if I would be as wise as you had been. Would I be happy? And I know both Phil and you would sing Que Sera Sera off-key to me. What will be, will be, eh? Since Phil went back I have been feeling sad again, and missing both of you so much, Phil told me to look to the future, making plans for it would make me happier, but Mom I never thought I would be without you when I get to realized all my big future life plan. Now that I have to accept that you will not be my side as I make all this life changes, it is hitting me hard Mom, I miss you so much. Will I always feel this way, Mom? Every time something happens, would I feel that it is not complete because you wouldn’t be there to see it? Mummy I don’t know what to do, my heart longs for you, or is it just too soon and my life is moving too fast that I am just confused. Well I guess I have to just take it one day at a time, I love you Mummy.
Along
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Letters to Mummy 2
Dear Mummy,
I went to visit you on your 101st day; I went with Daddy, Adik, Abang, Auntie Jen and Phil of course. Dad planted a new plant for you, we fixed up the old ones, I think the rain was washing it away, and then we tried to clean up your grave. Phil couldn’t stay long at the gravesite, the ants were eating him alive, I was kind of disappointed, because I wanted him to be there beside me as I let you go. I didn’t know if I had the strength to do it alone, somewhere deep in my heart I still have that longing of wanting you back, but I knew it was about time I have to let you go, let you be in peace and know that I’ll be alright, and I really needed his strength then. Well it look I was strong enough alone after all, it took a lot Mummy to say goodbye to you that day, and I was alone and I nearly couldn’t, but I guess you raised a strong girl after all Mummy. I still miss you a lot, but I have come to accept that you have moved on to a better place and that I need to move on too. I love you, Mummy.
Love,
Along
I went to visit you on your 101st day; I went with Daddy, Adik, Abang, Auntie Jen and Phil of course. Dad planted a new plant for you, we fixed up the old ones, I think the rain was washing it away, and then we tried to clean up your grave. Phil couldn’t stay long at the gravesite, the ants were eating him alive, I was kind of disappointed, because I wanted him to be there beside me as I let you go. I didn’t know if I had the strength to do it alone, somewhere deep in my heart I still have that longing of wanting you back, but I knew it was about time I have to let you go, let you be in peace and know that I’ll be alright, and I really needed his strength then. Well it look I was strong enough alone after all, it took a lot Mummy to say goodbye to you that day, and I was alone and I nearly couldn’t, but I guess you raised a strong girl after all Mummy. I still miss you a lot, but I have come to accept that you have moved on to a better place and that I need to move on too. I love you, Mummy.
Love,
Along
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Letters to Mummy
I never had a heart to heart with Mummy, unlike Adik who’d talk to Mum about countless of stuff for hours on end. Daddy is my sounding board, right I admit I am daddy’s girl. But today as my mind was wondering if Phil has packed or not and gone to sleep so he’d be fresh for his long flight tomorrow, I wish I could talk to Mum about stuff. I have put on hold the reminiscing because I am still not where I should be to go through that journey, but the need to talk to Mum is overwhelming, so I am going to write a letter and on wings of a prayer hope it’ll reach her somehow.
Dear Mummy,
I barely could sleep last night I was so excited. It has been months since I could smile let alone laugh without a tinge of sadness creeping in. Abang kept saying that I don’t look sad, that I don’t seem to miss you as much as he does, but what I can I say, Mummy, you taught me too well how to hide my emotion from everyone else. If only they know how hard it is for me not to bawl every second of the day, I miss you so much. How I wish it is you again cooking the Nasi Minyak and Rendang tomorrow to welcome Phil, but I guess it was good that you taught Adik how to do both because as you know I never remember, as I don’t remember how to make Ikan Sarak, I have seen you do it so many time, you taught me once or twice, but the Ikan Kembong daddy bought will only be Ikan Bakar with Air Asam.
There will a lot of changes I have to deal with soon, Mummy, you know how I hate changes, I don’t deal well with them. Now who is going to be beside me as I ride through them, Mummy I miss you! I never knew how you being there always gave me so much strength. Remember how I used to call you up at 6 o’clock every evening from UPM, till everyone in college thought I had a boyfriend whom I call every day, they can’t comprehend that I have to call you up just to hear your voice, telling me you are ok, and how that give me strength to go on and fight and stay sane. I miss looking after you, it gave me a purpose, kept me sane, actually at certain points it kept me alive. You must wonder why I never once tried suicide like Adik did, the truth is mom, the thought of leaving you without me to care for you stopped my suicidal instinct every time. Now who is going to be my anchor, Mum? Adik is getting better every day, she is finally growing up, Abang misses you a lot, but he will be alright, he’ll grow up strong and handsome, dad is dad, he never needs looking after, just someone to pamper him, so I am lost Mum, what do I do? People tell me it is finally time to live my own life. I am trying hard Mum, really hard. Phil is helping me along, but Mummy I am scared. The road is unknown to me, can I walk it Mum? Without you?
I am sorry to bother you with all this questions. I just miss you Mum, if you were here, I wouldn’t have to ask, you’d know and you’d just look and give me a hug and I’ll be ok. But learning to walk on my own and stand up alone is hard Mum, I know dad never helped when I fall, because he wants me to be independent but he also knows if I ever needed it you’d be there for me, now I truly have to walk alone. Well I guess that is all for now, I love you Mummy, I miss you so much.
Along
Dear Mummy,
I barely could sleep last night I was so excited. It has been months since I could smile let alone laugh without a tinge of sadness creeping in. Abang kept saying that I don’t look sad, that I don’t seem to miss you as much as he does, but what I can I say, Mummy, you taught me too well how to hide my emotion from everyone else. If only they know how hard it is for me not to bawl every second of the day, I miss you so much. How I wish it is you again cooking the Nasi Minyak and Rendang tomorrow to welcome Phil, but I guess it was good that you taught Adik how to do both because as you know I never remember, as I don’t remember how to make Ikan Sarak, I have seen you do it so many time, you taught me once or twice, but the Ikan Kembong daddy bought will only be Ikan Bakar with Air Asam.
There will a lot of changes I have to deal with soon, Mummy, you know how I hate changes, I don’t deal well with them. Now who is going to be beside me as I ride through them, Mummy I miss you! I never knew how you being there always gave me so much strength. Remember how I used to call you up at 6 o’clock every evening from UPM, till everyone in college thought I had a boyfriend whom I call every day, they can’t comprehend that I have to call you up just to hear your voice, telling me you are ok, and how that give me strength to go on and fight and stay sane. I miss looking after you, it gave me a purpose, kept me sane, actually at certain points it kept me alive. You must wonder why I never once tried suicide like Adik did, the truth is mom, the thought of leaving you without me to care for you stopped my suicidal instinct every time. Now who is going to be my anchor, Mum? Adik is getting better every day, she is finally growing up, Abang misses you a lot, but he will be alright, he’ll grow up strong and handsome, dad is dad, he never needs looking after, just someone to pamper him, so I am lost Mum, what do I do? People tell me it is finally time to live my own life. I am trying hard Mum, really hard. Phil is helping me along, but Mummy I am scared. The road is unknown to me, can I walk it Mum? Without you?
I am sorry to bother you with all this questions. I just miss you Mum, if you were here, I wouldn’t have to ask, you’d know and you’d just look and give me a hug and I’ll be ok. But learning to walk on my own and stand up alone is hard Mum, I know dad never helped when I fall, because he wants me to be independent but he also knows if I ever needed it you’d be there for me, now I truly have to walk alone. Well I guess that is all for now, I love you Mummy, I miss you so much.
Along
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