Letters to Mummy

I never had a heart to heart with Mummy, unlike Adik who’d talk to Mum about countless of stuff for hours on end. Daddy is my sounding board, right I admit I am daddy’s girl. But today as my mind was wondering if Phil has packed or not and gone to sleep so he’d be fresh for his long flight tomorrow, I wish I could talk to Mum about stuff. I have put on hold the reminiscing because I am still not where I should be to go through that journey, but the need to talk to Mum is overwhelming, so I am going to write a letter and on wings of a prayer hope it’ll reach her somehow.

Dear Mummy,
I barely could sleep last night I was so excited. It has been months since I could smile let alone laugh without a tinge of sadness creeping in. Abang kept saying that I don’t look sad, that I don’t seem to miss you as much as he does, but what I can I say, Mummy, you taught me too well how to hide my emotion from everyone else. If only they know how hard it is for me not to bawl every second of the day, I miss you so much. How I wish it is you again cooking the Nasi Minyak and Rendang tomorrow to welcome Phil, but I guess it was good that you taught Adik how to do both because as you know I never remember, as I don’t remember how to make Ikan Sarak, I have seen you do it so many time, you taught me once or twice, but the Ikan Kembong daddy bought will only be Ikan Bakar with Air Asam.

There will a lot of changes I have to deal with soon, Mummy, you know how I hate changes, I don’t deal well with them. Now who is going to be beside me as I ride through them, Mummy I miss you! I never knew how you being there always gave me so much strength. Remember how I used to call you up at 6 o’clock every evening from UPM, till everyone in college thought I had a boyfriend whom I call every day, they can’t comprehend that I have to call you up just to hear your voice, telling me you are ok, and how that give me strength to go on and fight and stay sane. I miss looking after you, it gave me a purpose, kept me sane, actually at certain points it kept me alive. You must wonder why I never once tried suicide like Adik did, the truth is mom, the thought of leaving you without me to care for you stopped my suicidal instinct every time. Now who is going to be my anchor, Mum? Adik is getting better every day, she is finally growing up, Abang misses you a lot, but he will be alright, he’ll grow up strong and handsome, dad is dad, he never needs looking after, just someone to pamper him, so I am lost Mum, what do I do? People tell me it is finally time to live my own life. I am trying hard Mum, really hard. Phil is helping me along, but Mummy I am scared. The road is unknown to me, can I walk it Mum? Without you?

I am sorry to bother you with all this questions. I just miss you Mum, if you were here, I wouldn’t have to ask, you’d know and you’d just look and give me a hug and I’ll be ok. But learning to walk on my own and stand up alone is hard Mum, I know dad never helped when I fall, because he wants me to be independent but he also knows if I ever needed it you’d be there for me, now I truly have to walk alone. Well I guess that is all for now, I love you Mummy, I miss you so much.


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