Songs and I

I am tired of writing about how dark I am feeling nowadays, so as a way to cheer me up I was listening to Lady Antebellum’s Just a Kiss, it reminded me how I felt when Phil came for his first visit. We were both unsure and scared to ruin a real good friendship but the feelings were really strong. As for me, that 2 lines in the chorus, “Just a shot in the dark that you just might/ be the one I’ve been waiting for my whole life,” really described how I was feeling at that time, and explained how despondent I felt when he was real quiet and wasn’t online on Valentine’s day, and like the guy in Vanessa William’s Save the Best for Last, he came on the 15 and ask me if I felt as strongly as he did and if we want to take it further.

The truth is throughout my friendship with Phil, songs played an important part in expressing how I feel, when I was still refusing to believe what I felt for Phil was more than that of a friend, I was singing a lot of Taylor Swift’s You Belong with Me, especially after Phil confess he was having a crush on an acquaintance of ours online (well this was way before he came to visit me, I think I have just known him for about 3 or 4 months about then). But believe you me, whenever I was singing that song I was imagining I was singing it to Phil. Yes adik, I knew how I felt about him then, but I can’t admit it to the world, I still have that much pride, even with you, until I know the feeling was reciprocated I can’t shout it to the world, can’t I?

I have written before how from time to time Phil would link me to songs he is listening to that reminded him of me or of our relationship, so I am not alone in using songs either to express how I feel or to soothe the hurt of being apart. Lately I have been singing Owl City’s Vanilla Twilight, although I know the song is singing about a departed lover, but most of the lyrics echoes how I feel so perfectly. At night when I can’t sleep missing Phil, I’ll sing the first verse as I cry myself to sleep.

The stars lean down to kiss you,
And I lie awake I miss you,
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere,
‘Cause I’ll doze of safe and soundly,
But I’ll miss your arms around me,
I’d send a postcard to you dear,
‘Cause I wish you were here.

(Adam Young, Vanilla Twilight)

Well I guess I am lucky that so many songs seems to apply to so many phases of my life, it helps when I myself ran out of ways and words to describe or express how I feel. So before I start wallowing again I’ll go hear Auburn’s All about Him. (Lol, Phil hates this song, sorry hun I think it’s cute).

Depress???...

For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel like I want to read. It is funny really, I have just bought a lot of books at a recent book warehouse sale, and I am not reading. Sis says I must be real depressed, because only depression makes a person not feel like doing what she likes to do. I don’t know whether I am or not, I don’t feel that really sad feeling when I am depress, but I have been sad so long I might feel it is normal after all to feel the way I feel. I admit I am tired, dad has been dragging us around travelling, because he can’t stand being at home when boy is not around (he’s most probably having the time of his life in Taman Negara), so not being home and always driving is making me tired and therefore more susceptible to feeling down. It also means I have been missing a few chats with Phil, I am never happy then.

I don’t know, I guess I will just have to hang on until this phase past and I can get back doing what I like, and who knows maybe tomorrow I get to have a long chat with Phil like we had a few days ago, that always make me feel happy for a few days. Until then I’ll just sing Vanilla Twilight and make me miss Phil all the more, I do so like to make myself miserable. :)

There are Days...

There are days
I don’t remember how to smile,
I don’t know what the sun feels like,
and I wonder why my heart still beats.

There are days,
I think it’ll be dark forever,
and that the slow twisting knife in heart
will never stop bleeding me dry.

There are days,
the pain constantly makes me
want to end it all
so that the silent do not deafen.

Days like that
are when I think of You most
and remember only You
will be my savior
and Your blessing comes in
various, mysterious ways.

Rambling On

Well I don’t know what to write actually, have no clear purpose really, but so many things running through my mind that somehow I find myself opening up words. My mood is on a roller coaster ride lately, but somehow this roller coaster is designed to ride on really negative emotions, I have been going up and down on sad and angry tracks. I spend the whole day yesterday crying, one of the reasons is because it is that time of the month, that just leave my mood unstable, another reason is missing Phil and Mom, and as the days go by any little reason seems to feed the tears as well. Actually I have been sad so long; I don’t really recall how it feels to be happy yesterday. I told Phil about it and as usual he gave me a simple answer, but somehow it made me feel better. Let me quote verbatim, it’s better that way.

[3:14:30 PM] Phil McQuinn: Ya the trick I find is not dwelling on sad stuff. I can get really down but then I think about you instead. I don’t think that thinking about problems helps if you can’t solve them they just upset you and make you feel helpless, better to just go do something you can do.

So I guess that is why I am typing now, to just do something I can do. I wish I could write stories, but I seem to be like Mom, I like writing about stuff that happens to me, I get stuck when I try to invent stories. I am good at poetry but Phil summed it up it nicely, poems are good for awards not for financial health. I am still thinking about that story idea I had, and from time to time have ideas on how to expand it, but for now it remains as ideas, I can’t seem to put it down on paper, or more accurately type it out on screen. Well maybe one of these days I will.

On a different note, all my friends know I love to sing and I always have a book full of lyrics around me always, I used to print out lyrics that I like to sing and keep them in folders. The problem is it is too bulky to carry around. I know I need to have something small and easy to carry and slip in my handbag, it occurred to me on my road trip to Wales when I needed to sing to accompany the beautiful scenery and can’t recall a lot of songs, showing my age of course, I used to remember 20 songs at least. So I bought this small notebook and been trying to copy down lyrics in. What I found out is that, my fingers are so used to typing that writing now is agonizing, so my project is going slowly, one lyric a day is all I can manage.

Well I guess that is all for now, enough rambling for one day. Hope I’ll write in a better mood next time. Happiness to all.

When Words Fail

Words failed me again
I tried to write how I felt
but nothing seems to fit
how could I describe
a pain so exquisite
that no simile could compare
how could I explain
a loss so huge
no hyperbole could fully express it
I tried and I tried
with every poems and stories
but nothing really could ease the fact
that I do not have you here with me.
I miss you!

rya
6/10/11
11:45 a.m.