Each time it happens,
I vow I won't let myself be this pathetic,
I'd say I should not be so dependent
on a presence that is at best fleeting and virtual,
but somehow my heart won't let me be,
it doesn't matter,
that we have never met,
what we have shared made
meeting superfluous somehow,
but it is getting ridiculous
how low I feel,
the tears that fell for no reason,
the need to speak,
that it hurts so bad.
I think it has come to a point of obsession
an obsession I have no control over,
but having someone
whom I can talk to,
who can make me smile just by saying hello
who understands every single thing
I said or left unsaid
is so hard to give up.
But every time the silence cuts
deeper and deeper,
that I pray for the next
conversation,
the waiting is torturous,
and makes me wonder why?
Why do I feel this way?
Why do I need him so?
Why am I so pathetically obsess?!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Bubbles
It happens again,
as my my basket of bubbles,
seems to be bursting full of happiness,
the bubbles burst and scatters as the wind blows.
Here I go,
gathering the pieces back,
thinking why do I let it happen
again and again.
Why can't I just keep it together,
and not let others be in control
of my bubbles of happiness,
but then again,
bubbles are meant to burst,
till I can get
my bubbles to be pearls
I guess my basket still
have to travel far.
rya
4.55 pm
27 January 2010
as my my basket of bubbles,
seems to be bursting full of happiness,
the bubbles burst and scatters as the wind blows.
Here I go,
gathering the pieces back,
thinking why do I let it happen
again and again.
Why can't I just keep it together,
and not let others be in control
of my bubbles of happiness,
but then again,
bubbles are meant to burst,
till I can get
my bubbles to be pearls
I guess my basket still
have to travel far.
rya
4.55 pm
27 January 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Friendship
Friendship is a funny thing with me. All my life I have never made a friend. What do I mean, surely being the ripe old age of 33, i have friends right? Well what I am trying to say is I have never initiated anything, every one of my friends had to make the first move, I am so shy, that even saying hello to is quite a burden to me, and my dad made it difficult by moving so many times when I was young, imagine all the time I sit back timidly looking at all this new people tongue-tied and afraid. But somehow or other there will be that friendly kid who will come up and introduce herself and then introduce me to all her friends and before I can blink i be come a part of a groups and I have friends. I would like to say I outgrew this but this scenario continued up till I was working, even in my online game, people had to approach me first before I become comfortable enough to open up.
But the thing is once I made a friend, it is for life, I am fiercely loyal to them and tries to keep up my friendship as best I can. The only thing is it is very hard for me to have close friends, I keep a lot of things to myself, behind shields, so I guess that does not bode well for a closer friendship. So suffice to say I have many friends but very few close friends or bffs as the saying goes. So it amazed me that the friendship I made through an online game, has turned out to be the strongest and closest I have ever experienced in my life. I have never met this person, but I could understand how he feels as easily as he does me, we know each other so well, it is almost we could read each others mind. I don't know, maybe the medium of our communication, which kind of give a superficial immunity that made me so comfortable in opening up. The things I have told him, I would never in a million years share with friends I have known since young, but it is so easy to tell him stuff that I usually bottled up inside. I guess it is a blessing in a way, because at this point in my life I have no one in my life apart from family I could share certain things with, and lately given the kind of emotional state my sister is in, I have not dared share a lot of things with her, and it is never good to bottle up certain emotions. I have used blogs as a place to purge before, but it is not as satisfying as having someone who knows u listen and then giving their feedback. So I should say it is about time I found a good friend who can do that for me.
But now, I have noticed a certain kind of dependency, of constantly needing him to be around, and I don't think that is a fair demand on anyone. So I am trying so hard not to depend on him when I need to hash out certain things, but it is difficult, because just having him say hi and asking how are you make it all seem so much better. So I guess I need to learn to be more independent like I use to be and not let my needs ruin a really good friendship.
But the thing is once I made a friend, it is for life, I am fiercely loyal to them and tries to keep up my friendship as best I can. The only thing is it is very hard for me to have close friends, I keep a lot of things to myself, behind shields, so I guess that does not bode well for a closer friendship. So suffice to say I have many friends but very few close friends or bffs as the saying goes. So it amazed me that the friendship I made through an online game, has turned out to be the strongest and closest I have ever experienced in my life. I have never met this person, but I could understand how he feels as easily as he does me, we know each other so well, it is almost we could read each others mind. I don't know, maybe the medium of our communication, which kind of give a superficial immunity that made me so comfortable in opening up. The things I have told him, I would never in a million years share with friends I have known since young, but it is so easy to tell him stuff that I usually bottled up inside. I guess it is a blessing in a way, because at this point in my life I have no one in my life apart from family I could share certain things with, and lately given the kind of emotional state my sister is in, I have not dared share a lot of things with her, and it is never good to bottle up certain emotions. I have used blogs as a place to purge before, but it is not as satisfying as having someone who knows u listen and then giving their feedback. So I should say it is about time I found a good friend who can do that for me.
But now, I have noticed a certain kind of dependency, of constantly needing him to be around, and I don't think that is a fair demand on anyone. So I am trying so hard not to depend on him when I need to hash out certain things, but it is difficult, because just having him say hi and asking how are you make it all seem so much better. So I guess I need to learn to be more independent like I use to be and not let my needs ruin a really good friendship.
Friday, January 15, 2010
My Deepest Darkest Fear!
If my previous post was any indication, it is clear I am not feeling that good. Dark thoughts has been on my mind the whole day. I have tried and tried so hard to fight this, but honestly, I think each day, I am losing the battle and soon the war.
I just can't seem to see myself out of this darkness, and the two things that is holding me back are losing their grip on me. Listening to "If Tomorrow Never Comes" does not evoke that feeling of needing to be here for my love ones anymore, instead I am thinking if tomorrow never comes there would be bliss. I don't have to fight anymore, because I am so tired of the fight. My whole life has been about the fight, and I just can't find the strength to go on anymore.
Daily now, it has been a battle of not letting the ever present tears flow. I seem to be doing a good job of hiding it I guess, cause no one has noticed. Adik sees me sad sometimes, but each time it coincide with the time I couldn't talk to him. so she teases me instead. Oh God, if she only knew that I have lost the ability to be happy and that sadness has turn into despair and that I am thinking thoughts I have never thought of before, she'd be worried instead. But I hope these are just thoughts, cause I hope I find the strength somewhere to hold on. These storms will pass, they have to, it just seems right now it will never end. I just need to get through each day, and I know God will help me, somehow I will find my way back into the sunshine. But right now the darkness is a little too much to bear and the light seems too far away.
A friend told me what he fears most is that when God ask what his contributions was in his lifetime, that he wouldn't know how to answer that, made me think to myself, "What have I done in this life that made a different?" Have I touched anyone's life, did my existence means something? If tomorrow I decide to end it all, would my life has been a waste? Did I leave a ripple? Or would I just fade into oblivion and no traces of me anywhere? I don't know how this make me feel, actually. it should make me want for more time to at least leave a mark, but at this point, I don't really care, fading out sounds blissful. And that is what worried me the most, I have never come to this point before, not in my deepest despair, have I ever lost hope like this, so have I turn the point of no return? Lord, I hope not. But it is just too much to bear now, and I feel so alone, even surrounded by people who loves me and whom I know will be there for me even at the gates of hell, I still feel so alone!
So there, my deepest darkest fear is that in the end I won't be strong enough to face that final battle!
I just can't seem to see myself out of this darkness, and the two things that is holding me back are losing their grip on me. Listening to "If Tomorrow Never Comes" does not evoke that feeling of needing to be here for my love ones anymore, instead I am thinking if tomorrow never comes there would be bliss. I don't have to fight anymore, because I am so tired of the fight. My whole life has been about the fight, and I just can't find the strength to go on anymore.
Daily now, it has been a battle of not letting the ever present tears flow. I seem to be doing a good job of hiding it I guess, cause no one has noticed. Adik sees me sad sometimes, but each time it coincide with the time I couldn't talk to him. so she teases me instead. Oh God, if she only knew that I have lost the ability to be happy and that sadness has turn into despair and that I am thinking thoughts I have never thought of before, she'd be worried instead. But I hope these are just thoughts, cause I hope I find the strength somewhere to hold on. These storms will pass, they have to, it just seems right now it will never end. I just need to get through each day, and I know God will help me, somehow I will find my way back into the sunshine. But right now the darkness is a little too much to bear and the light seems too far away.
A friend told me what he fears most is that when God ask what his contributions was in his lifetime, that he wouldn't know how to answer that, made me think to myself, "What have I done in this life that made a different?" Have I touched anyone's life, did my existence means something? If tomorrow I decide to end it all, would my life has been a waste? Did I leave a ripple? Or would I just fade into oblivion and no traces of me anywhere? I don't know how this make me feel, actually. it should make me want for more time to at least leave a mark, but at this point, I don't really care, fading out sounds blissful. And that is what worried me the most, I have never come to this point before, not in my deepest despair, have I ever lost hope like this, so have I turn the point of no return? Lord, I hope not. But it is just too much to bear now, and I feel so alone, even surrounded by people who loves me and whom I know will be there for me even at the gates of hell, I still feel so alone!
So there, my deepest darkest fear is that in the end I won't be strong enough to face that final battle!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
The Silence Deafen
The silence deafen again,
The silent recrimination runs through my head,
All the voices telling me
there's no way out!
I wish I could shut it out!
Coz the more I listen,
the more despair gets me!
And the only way out I see,
the only way to silent all these
painful voices,
is to end it swiftly
with a knife
or a crash
or the downing of a deadly subtance!
If only something could break this silence
So I don't have to hear
all these negativity
so that I can stop seeing
that only way out!
Coz that will be final
and not a finale
I would like, but
the silence deafen!
rya
14/01/10
4:44 pm
The silent recrimination runs through my head,
All the voices telling me
there's no way out!
I wish I could shut it out!
Coz the more I listen,
the more despair gets me!
And the only way out I see,
the only way to silent all these
painful voices,
is to end it swiftly
with a knife
or a crash
or the downing of a deadly subtance!
If only something could break this silence
So I don't have to hear
all these negativity
so that I can stop seeing
that only way out!
Coz that will be final
and not a finale
I would like, but
the silence deafen!
rya
14/01/10
4:44 pm
Monday, January 11, 2010
Life in the Touch N Go Lane.
Today as I was on my way to pick up Abang from school I got stuck for about 5 minutes or so behind a few cars in the Touch N Go lane at the toll. I was kinda wondering what was holding us up. What is the point of using Touch N Go and still you get stuck right? But it happens often enough. The toll where I have to past to go to Abang's school even the Smart Tag lane will get stuck. Well Malaysia Boleh!
But the thing is this remind me of so many times when really funny and sometimes idiotic incidents that happen in the Touch N Go lane. There was one time when Adik, Abang, and I was on our way back from Sunway we saw this elderly couple keep reversing and moving forward in the next lane. As we had to line up in our lane cause there's a few car in front of us, we got to see, what was happening. This couple I guess have never used the card, but have heard about how to go through Smart Tag lanes, so there they was waving the card about in their car and panicking because it seems not to work, so the uncle keeps backing out while yelling desperately to his wife to wave the card better. The catch was they were in the Touch N Go lane and even if they were in the Smart Tag lane, they didn't have the Smart Tag device. Well as we drove away as soon as I touch the card to the reader, we were hilariously laughing, I know it was bad of us, but it was too funny.
That incident was funny and for once it didn't affect me, but most other incidents do. There was one time I saw a car back out of one Touch N Go lane and entering the next one to it, so me in my infinite logic, deduced that there was someting wrong with that lane, so I neatly manouevered to follow that car in to the next lane. Big mistake, because the car kinda stop and I was wondering what is wrong now, then the driver open his window and tentatively wave a one Ringgit note in the air. I was like muttering expletive, thinking what kind of idiot who realise he made a mistake entering one Touch N Go lane and then make the same mistake. So needless to say, I had to risk accident that day to back out of the lane and let him reverse to go to the cash lane. I wish I could say this is a one time incident, but there has been many a time I have to do this dangerous manouever just because people were not careful enough to chose their lanes.
Well I can say that driving through many Touch N Go lanes, I have learned a lot about life in general, mostly it has taught me to have more patience and to be more careful in what lanes I chose, because you never know who would be driving the car in front of you! ;)
But the thing is this remind me of so many times when really funny and sometimes idiotic incidents that happen in the Touch N Go lane. There was one time when Adik, Abang, and I was on our way back from Sunway we saw this elderly couple keep reversing and moving forward in the next lane. As we had to line up in our lane cause there's a few car in front of us, we got to see, what was happening. This couple I guess have never used the card, but have heard about how to go through Smart Tag lanes, so there they was waving the card about in their car and panicking because it seems not to work, so the uncle keeps backing out while yelling desperately to his wife to wave the card better. The catch was they were in the Touch N Go lane and even if they were in the Smart Tag lane, they didn't have the Smart Tag device. Well as we drove away as soon as I touch the card to the reader, we were hilariously laughing, I know it was bad of us, but it was too funny.
That incident was funny and for once it didn't affect me, but most other incidents do. There was one time I saw a car back out of one Touch N Go lane and entering the next one to it, so me in my infinite logic, deduced that there was someting wrong with that lane, so I neatly manouevered to follow that car in to the next lane. Big mistake, because the car kinda stop and I was wondering what is wrong now, then the driver open his window and tentatively wave a one Ringgit note in the air. I was like muttering expletive, thinking what kind of idiot who realise he made a mistake entering one Touch N Go lane and then make the same mistake. So needless to say, I had to risk accident that day to back out of the lane and let him reverse to go to the cash lane. I wish I could say this is a one time incident, but there has been many a time I have to do this dangerous manouever just because people were not careful enough to chose their lanes.
Well I can say that driving through many Touch N Go lanes, I have learned a lot about life in general, mostly it has taught me to have more patience and to be more careful in what lanes I chose, because you never know who would be driving the car in front of you! ;)
Thursday, January 7, 2010
The Reason Why
I have thought about it long and hard,
Why do I like you so much?
Why do you make me happy?
And why without you I feel bereft and without hope?
You understand me,
I never have to tell you much,
You already know.
You listen to me,
I talk a lot, I know,
But you always listen,
No matter what.
You tell me your dreams,
And let me tell you mine,
You share your weakness,
And forgive me mine.
You give me strength,
You make me believe,
And most important of all,
You make me laugh!
These are the reasons why
Every time I see you
Everything is right in my world.
Why do I like you so much?
Why do you make me happy?
And why without you I feel bereft and without hope?
You understand me,
I never have to tell you much,
You already know.
You listen to me,
I talk a lot, I know,
But you always listen,
No matter what.
You tell me your dreams,
And let me tell you mine,
You share your weakness,
And forgive me mine.
You give me strength,
You make me believe,
And most important of all,
You make me laugh!
These are the reasons why
Every time I see you
Everything is right in my world.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Same old, same old!
6 days into the new year, and I am feeling the same as I ever was. Sad, lonely, disappointed and lost. I have tried everything I know to get over this funk, but nothing seems to work, I have moments of happiness, moments that rely on others to make me forget for awhile. I call 'em my happy pills. But the problem is like any pills they get addictive and when you don't get them the withdrawal is awful, and that makes my funk worse until I get my next fix.
I don't know where this road is taking me, I have been trying so hard to get it on the track I know it should go, but it seems it has a mind of its own and it is dragging me unwillingly along. Oh God, I don't know what else to do, I know you have been sending me help, and I am grateful, but I am getting weaker by the day and I am praying for strength, the strength you have always send my way throughout my journey. I know that things will work out somehow in the end, but right now I am lost and can't see my way out even with all the guides you have send my way. Well I guess what I am trying to say is I am hoping for a way out and that I'll get through this storm like I did all others, that is with my head held high and fighting all the way!
I don't know where this road is taking me, I have been trying so hard to get it on the track I know it should go, but it seems it has a mind of its own and it is dragging me unwillingly along. Oh God, I don't know what else to do, I know you have been sending me help, and I am grateful, but I am getting weaker by the day and I am praying for strength, the strength you have always send my way throughout my journey. I know that things will work out somehow in the end, but right now I am lost and can't see my way out even with all the guides you have send my way. Well I guess what I am trying to say is I am hoping for a way out and that I'll get through this storm like I did all others, that is with my head held high and fighting all the way!
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