The Two Chains

The story of my two necklaces. I haven't worn a necklace for quite a long time. My last necklace was given to me with a key locket by dad when I turn 21. Not long after we had to pawn it for what I can't recall. Since then I never wear a gold chain again. Maybe once in a while I will put on a costume jewellery necklace but never another gold chain. When I started seeing Phil, I asked him about the gold chain that he wears. He told me when he was fourteen, it was very popular for guys to wear chains. He worked and saved up to get him a chain. Of course the one he wore is his third or fourth chain, but it has become a symbol of his ability to earn for himself anything that he wants, his independence. When we started to go to and fro each other's country and I started missing him badly I kept hinting that I would love to wear his chain so I could have him near me. For years, it became a sort of a joke between us, and he kept saying the chain is a part of him and the only way it will leave him is when he dies and he promised he will leave it to me in his will.

The last time I was visiting him, feeling very vulnerable about leaving him yet again, I timidly told him that I kept asking for his chain and I didn't even know if it would fit me. He was like kind of exasperated and went on to take it off and put it around my neck and proceed to say, take this as a loan, and as a token of my promise that I will come for it and for you. He never gave me an engagement ring as such, and I don't need it but that gesture meant a lot to me. Having it  helped me through the worst period of my life. I kept holding on to the promise of when it was given and that faith kept my sanity intact.

When I got home, dad saw my chain and asked about it. I told him the story, and little did I know, he was thinking of my old chain. A few weeks later at a poetry event in Kuala Kubu Bharu dad handed me a chain. He didn't say anything just tell me to wear it. I asked him, wear two chains? He said what's wrong? So after years of not wearing any chain, I now wear two chains given by two men that I love and love me.

The Story of Us

I miss him so much. He told me I over think stuff. I told him my paranoid voices get really loud when he doesn't distract me enough. Now he is keeping silent most probably trying to heal in private like he always does and I need a distraction before I get out of control when all my voices get too loud. I will try to recall our journey so far.

Near seven years ago, while I was struggling to start my thesis, getting hit by one of my worst depression, I found a game with a very strong sense of community. Knighthood, it was a fascinating game of war, but the people playing it was far more fascinating. I was finding my way through it, doing what I do best writing about my experience in the forum. Little did I know, that one interaction with an interesting viscount would lead me to my best friend, soul mate and the love of my life.

I was a veteran of cyber communication from IRC to Yahoo messenger. I am not new to guys on there. So when Phil ask to talk on either Skype ( which I don't have at the time) or Yahoo messenger I was wary. But throughout he was a perfect gentleman, and soon we were talking daily and became very good friends. I soon had Skype because it was way easier to talk there and Phil became a constant in my life. He kept me sane when my world was falling apart. I was failing in my PhD thesis, and losing my grips on my depression.

We had a lot of fun playing together, but sadly the game ended, and I was losing Phil to WoW, he would not talk with me for days while playing it. This was when I found out that we have quite a strong bond. On days we don't talk I got very distraught, one day I cried in front of the pc, calling out to him. The next day, the first thing he asked, was if I was alright. It seems he dreamt of a long hair brunette girl crying out to him. He made sure his sisters were ok and now he is making sure I am alright as well. I didn't tell him then, that maybe in my despair I somehow connected but that was a clue how much he meant to me. At about the same time, Phil was making arrangements to come see me during his holiday. I was so looking forward to it and really scared too.

When he came, from the moment he landed, we clicked. There was no awkwardness, we were best friends, like we have known each other for years. But there was this instant where our eyes meet, that gave me an inkling that there was more, it was the moment I understood what they meant when they say the universe aligned. I actually heard bells ringing and see fireworks going off in my mind's eye at that fleeting moment our eyes met.

We had a blast that three days in Kuala Lumpur. We learnt we could speak just with our eyes and that we get along really well. So when he went back and disappeared from Skype for a day I was devastated. But the moment he came back on and said he felt strongly for me and ask if I felt the same. That was on 15 February 2010 and I can say with confidence that I still feel as strongly maybe more as I told him I felt that day.

Then years start to pass, he met my family, I met his. We planned to get married but problems kept creeping out. I patiently waited because I didn't want to push him too hard, he said I didn't push hard enough. There even came a day when he wanted for us to part for my benefit he says. I fought back hard, and I made him realize I am in this for life.

Last February was the closest we came to actually getting married but yet again something was in the way. He missed his flight and got hit by exhaustion and depression and couldn't come. It was the worst heartbreaking moment of my life. I am still recovering, but I still have faith in us. I love him still, forever and always.

Happy Sixth Anniversary

Six years ago after disappearing for a few days after you got back from visiting me in Kuala Lumpur, you came on Skype and asked if I felt as strongly as you. I said I did and today it is actually stronger than it was then. I love you, with all of my heart and my world revolves around you.

Today we were supposed to finally make what we feel official. Become one in the eyes of the people. But it was not meant to be. I supposed fate has a better thing in store for us. I prayed for it and the answer is still not yet.

I won't lie, I am very disappointed, hurt and angry. Not at you but at fate. It never seems to let me have it easy. All my life, it has been one big fight. But every time the reward is really worth the fight.

In my heart you are already my other half, happy sixth anniversary hun. Please remember I love you and I will stand by you no matter what.

Another Bump in the Road

This year for your thirty nine birthday I did not prepare anything, I was expecting to have you here and I was going to give you a photobook of our memories in Malta. It has been a stressful few months since I left your side. Not knowing whether you will come and make me your wife finally was really hard. And I know you have had a rough time as well what with work being really hard on you. The constant silence because you had to sleep all the time because of exhaustion was really hard on me, not hearing from you for a day you know is torture for me, total silence for a week was painful. But the day you broke the silence and forward me your flight details and told me you love me so much and you could not let me down, made me the happiest girl in the world. It is finally going to happen. The one thing I have been praying for almost six years is going to come true. I am going to be your wife.

You don't know how happy I was anticipating your arrival, I have all of it planned, what I was going to wear, how my hair would be, what I am going to say. I was smilingly sleeping knowing you are coming. And then the text that brought back tears back tenfold, 'Hun I fell asleep and missed the flight'.

I know how hard you have been working and I know you have pushed yourself beyond your body's endurance. But I counted on your will to come to me so I believe so hard that it will happened. I bothered God every day asking for it. When that text came, my heart shattered, my world ended!

I know it is just another bump in the road. But right now my heart hurts so bad I can't see pass the pain.

Happy birthday hun, how I wish I could say it to you personally instead of another blog post. But hey who says life is fair hmm.

On Dichotomy

Dichotomy as defined is a division or contrast between two things that are or are represented as being opposed or entirely different. When I first learned of this concept in one of Dr. Quayyum’s literature class it striked a chord in me. I have always felt that two extreme contrasting emotion battling inside me. I can be extremely happy and extremely sad at the same time. Even Dr. Quayyum once noted to me, that I confused him sometimes because my assignments could be extremely brilliant in one and extremely dull and idiotic in another (this wasn’t his words; this was my interpretation on his very diplomatic comments).

A week ago after resolving a long confusing issue with a happy outcome, not yet a conclusion but a resolution and clear plan that a satisfactory outcome would be the end goal, I was really happy, on cloud nine really, but the next day as I drive to work I was feeling really sad and in the car park I broke down and cried. I was confuse, because deep down I know I was really happy and these weren’t happy tears, It was what Mom would have called “crying like your mom died” tears, and then it dawn on me as I cried out that one phrase that I couldn’t stop, “I want my Mummy!” At my happiest moment I am still really sad because I don’t have my mom to share it with. I miss you Mummy.

Well I guess that is the beauty of how human emotion works, allowing two extremes to exist in balance if not in harmony. 

As I MissYou

I miss you

With every heart beat

With every breath

It aches

It hurts

An emptiness that can’t be filled

A longing that is never ending

A sweet sorrow and a prayer whispered fervently

With everything I do.

rya

11/05/15

7.28 p.m.

Weeping Heart

I had decided long ago
I would be okay with it
I would understand
But the mind and the heart
Is ever always at odds
Today as my mind
Tells me it is needed, justified, and fair
My heart kept on weeping!

rya
9.21 a.m.
2/5/15

Tears

The tears fell for the thousandth times 

to that silenced scream

A pain that can’t be shared 

because even if it could be understood

To justify causing new pain 

to share an old one 

and not even lessen it 

is insane

So again there she lies 

on that cold lonely floor 

crying to her old best friend …

rya

13.3.15

1.53 p.m.

That Voice

Why is it that voice seems
to be the loudest?
That voice that tells me
I am not good enough.
That voice that tells me
I will fail or am failing.
That voice that tells me
all the negative opinions
I think others have of me
is true.
That voice that seem to drown out
every positive of my life.
That voice that make me
wants to fall and never get up,
That voice that bursts my bubbles of ashes
every time!
No matter how I try to deafen my mind,
or give a counter argument,
it is just that voice that won't shut up,
that voice that won't back down.
Lord, I need help to be louder than that voice!

rya
19/8/2014
6.51 pm

Crazy

I don’t think what I am going to talk today is known to many of my friends. I keep it really close to heart from experience of people not understanding or lack of life experience to be able to grasp the full nuance of what it actually means. But I have been dealing with a lot of emotional upheaval these past few years, and I find that I need to write about it so I can deal with it. But me being me, I can’t write for my own view, it has to have a ‘perceived’ audience.

Not everyone knows of this, I have never kept it a secret, but I don’t tell people when I said hello either. My mom was diagnosed of having schizophrenia when she was 18, so when she had me at 26, she was already a veteran of 8 years of living with a mental disorder. My whole life that was the reality I live in, it was my normal. When I had my first breakdown when I was 15, it was scary, I understood for the first time how it was like for mom, not to be able to be in control of your own mind, and my respect and my love for her tripled, she was a terrific mom even when she was sick, the amount of strength and love she must have had in her to still remember that she is a mom first and foremost.

I was the eldest, ever since I can remember, I was charged with the responsibility of the family after dad. When I had my breakdown, a few months before SRP (Sijil Rendah Pelajaran), dad decided to handle it himself, he knew if I went the medical route, I would have to be dependent on meds forever and sooner or later be dependent on others to live and would be very difficult for me to be able to look after my mom and sister as well as myself. Some people would say it is not fair, but life is not about fairness, life is dealing with the cards you are dealt with, and we were dealt with such a card, and whatever is needed to be done to be able to go on is what we did. 

So dad with his years of experience of dealing with mom and his own peculiarities became my psychologist. It was really rough, but we learnt, my habit of liking to read became my salvation, reading replaced anti-depressants, and dad taught me to stabilize my emotion and I learned through trial and error on how to keep myself in check, the lows (depression) was not so hard for me, it is very rare that I would come to a point of wanting to kill myself, but the highs (psychosis) was very hard at first, luckily I got away with just appearing slightly odd or unique to my friends.

So with very strong family support and understanding I managed to somewhat become a responsible ‘normal’ adult. When my sister had her breakdown when she was 20, I was experienced enough to recognize that she needed more help than I did; dad hoped I know that what worked with me would work with her. But yeah, it is not the same for everyone, and I am not saying I was stronger and sis was weaker, it is just is. 

The reason I am writing this today, is not to bring this out in the open, I am just trying to remind myself the journey. I have been depressed for the past few years, it is nothing new. But these past few months it has been extraordinarily difficult, there has not been a day that I did not think about ending my life. As I said before, I was never suicidal, it is very rare. So I was racking my brain of why it is happening now.  A month ago, I was hospitalized to go through a prolong fasting test, part of the procedure of being admitted was talking to the pharmacist about my medications. When I mentioned that I was taking Amitriptyline for my migraine, the pharmacist interjected, saying "that wasn't what it was for." So that made me wanted to go to my best friend Mr. Google and find out, but of course I didn't have net connection in the hospital and it slipped my mind. But something made me Google it a few weeks ago and this is what I found out.

Taken from Wikipedia:

Amitriptyline /ˌæmɪˈtrɪptɪliːn/[5] (Elavil, Endep, Levate and many others) is a tricyclic antidepressant (TCA). It is the most widely used TCA.

It is used to treat a number of mental disorders including: major depressive disorder, anxiety, and less commonly psychosis, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, and bipolar disorder. Other uses include: prevention of migraines and post herpetic neuralgia and less commonly insomnia.[6]

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Wikipedia       

    

I was like what, all the things I had to do to avoid anti-depressant and I was slyly given it for something else.

That brought me to other links and most of it has this to say:

You may have thoughts about suicide when you first start taking an antidepressant such as amitriptyline, especially if you are younger than 24 years old. Your doctor will need to check you at regular visits for at least the first 12 weeks of treatment.

Report any new or worsening symptoms to your doctor, such as: mood or behavior changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, or if you feel impulsive, irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless, hyperactive (mentally or physically), more depressed, or have thoughts about suicide or hurting yourself.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Drugs.com

I know I am not younger than 24 years old, but the worsening symptoms described me these past few months. I have been trying to still take the meds at least until I see the neurologist this coming January, but after spending the whole of last weekend crying for no reason,  I finally decided to stop taking the meds for a week at least and see if things would improve. I am hoping it is the meds, because if it is not, then it means I have to find new ways to deal with my worsening depression.  Lord, help!

Letters to Mummy 11

Dear Mummy,

The last I wrote you was in January 2013. It has been really long, hasn’t it? I have tried not to write or even bother you in your eternal rest with my fervent longing and need for you. But I woke up today longing to join you. It has not been the greatest of months since I last wrote you. It was a constant crisis one after another. I tried really hard mom to hold on, to fight, to get up after each fall, but it is like me being a house built on the shore of a rough ocean and bit by bit the water is taking back what is theirs.

 I am tired mom, physically, emotionally, and even my soul is exhausted. I have always bolstered my strength with the hope of what tomorrow brings and the thought what my absence would mean to those who loves me. But it has come to a point where even the thought of tomorrow’s rainbow and the emptiness I would leave behind, does not bolster me enough so that I do not long for that eternal darkness.

I miss you, Mummy, help!

Love,

Along

On The Verge of Insanity

Sometimes I wonder if the world is going crazy
or it is me that is going insane?
Nothing makes sense anymore!
What I think wrong is proclaimed as right,
what I think right is declared as wrong.
The more I read the more confuse I get.
Losing sleep and getting dizzy,
my world is spinning out of control,
going to hell in a handbasket,
so fast,
I need to find my center back,
to get my balance
in this ever growing chaotic dichotomy.

rya
20.7.2014
2015 hrs

Reminiscing My Life in Fragments

I was just messing around looking at the documents I have in my files, then I came across and old poem of mine and decided to put up a post on it since I haven't written for so long due to time constraint and my old friend Ms Depress visiting.

When I was studying Critical Appreciation for my MA English Literature with Dr. Noritah Omar, she made us read and analyse T. S Elliot The Wasteland. One of the assignments was to either write a paper on it or write a 5 cantos poem of our own. I chose to write the poem of course, in a way I cheated, because I just wrote the first and second cantos and then cobbled together the rest of the cantos from my previously written poems and added here and there for sake of continuity. Because it was for an assignment, it wasn't dated, and looking at my transcript I can say it was written between May to August of 2000. It was titled Life in Fragments.

Life in Fragments

        

          I

An Introduction

It was a fairy tale beginning,

a nightmare of an ending.

An open and shut case

in life’s highest court,

(or so I think)

but the jury is still out,

undecided!

My life now has been bared down

to mere facts.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury

let us start over.

And this time, I will colour the fact

with my emotional reality so you could say

unanimously

that a life with promise has been

wasted

on trifles of indignities.

That I am guilty

of buckling down when the pressure is greatest,

and I am guilty

of not learning life’s lesson.

So let us examine my

life in fragments.

  

     II

Innocence

Beloved child of two loving parents

given everything I would ever need

given love and support by two adoring siblings.

And I grew with glowing hope

that life would be as rosy a bed

which I have lain all my life.

The values I have learned,

the encouragements I have received,

was my anchor for life.

And I gaily laughed and set sail

into the unknown,

with mistaken belief

that the sea won’t be rough,

and the storm won’t torment me.

Will my anchor hold?

       III

Masquerade

Life is a play put on

for the world to see.

It is ironic that I should

find that out

while putting on a play literally.

Rehearsals after rehearsals,

I find out that we really are

actors and actresses

never revealing our true selves,

I found out who my friends are and

who are acting as my friends.

I found out that as in a play

we each has a part,

and we play it to perfection.

I found out that it all has

been a masquerade life is

putting on for me.

Then,

       the show must go on.

And the trust I held inside

began to wilt

like a rose in a vase without water.

       IV

The waiting

Dreams that formed

in the illusion of the night

turns into shattered nightmares

in the clarity of the day.

In the interlude of reality and fantasy.

Dreams.

Nightmares.

Are just another play of an entrapment of a soul.

It feels like an eternal slumber

the stillness of silence

and in the silence

everything seems frozen

in time and space.

From the moment the knife drops

I’ve been bleeding slowly inside

waiting for death!

But death is a tardy friend

And pain is a constant companion.

If only I could wake from this painful

dream

or is it

nightmare?

Or if only everything would end

suddenly

swiftly

until I could finally be laid to rest!

Sleep come quickly now

take me to that place where

nothing is better than death.

       V

Conclusion

There, my life

coloured to the best of my skill.

But still I see the blank faces of the jury.

The jury is still out.

Undecided.

But I do not need their verdict any more.

Because now I know

my life is made from the

reconstructed ashes of my dreams.

Dreams that have been

burned by the fire of defeat.

Each time I with my bubbles                                   

of hope gather the scattered ashes                       

and the  remains form     

new dreams                 

not stronger                         

renewed!                                

rya

May-August 2000

Happy 37th Birthday, Phil

Happy 37th birthday, hun and an advance happy 4th anniversary . I don't know what to do this birthday and anniversary, can't seem to come up with any good poems lately. A bit stuck. Not feeling enough either negatively or positively, so not in a good poetry mode. So I just thought I would write my thoughts on how you make me feel, why I love you, why I need you and why I can't let you go. I don't know how I am going to get this across, the blog would be too public, your FB inbox, I am not even sure you read that. Maybe a private FB note. I don't know, I will figure it out once I have this written down. (I think this could go to my blog, very personal, but not something I'd mind sharing).

Ever since I have known you, you have been my anchor in rough water. Whatever the trouble, whatever the problem or crisis, I just need to talk to you and everything doesn't seem too big or unmanageable. You always seem to be able to center me and break it down to pieces I can handle. No one have ever manage to do that, not even dad, he makes me feel safe and I think of him as some kind of superman that would save me, but you make me see I can manage things myself, your belief in me is remarkable and your ability to calm me down and hold me stable while everything around me is twirling in a hurricane is something I have never found in anyone in my life before.

You also have a knack of motivating me to do stuff pass my comfort zone. Like when you convince me to rebel  out of my liege dead kingdom, talking me through it, being there every step of the way, hell, you were there to take over when my internet was acting up. But what I noticed most is how patient you are when you try to motivate, it was really highlighted when we got lost in Scout Scar. You never once lost your patience throughout all my crying bouts, which were numerous, you talked me through all of it, told me I can do it, even spun that story, so I could laugh and go on. All throughout the 5 years I have known you, that is how you have always been, my patient motivator, and right by my side each difficult step I had to take, even if most of the time your presence is metaphorical, but still always a presence.

You tell me you don't do birthdays, anniversaries, presents and most of the time you forget to say I love you or return my I love 'you's, but when you do remember it is heart meltingly sweet. The friend you sent over to be my power 20 Lady when I told you it was my birthday. I still remember how disoriented your friend when she realized she came to someone she does not know all. That was sweet. Then the fairy tale you wrote me about a bookworm princess rescuing a rat prince answering my request for a birthday story was beyond sweet, it would have made sugar jealous. And all the times you wait up so I would be online so you could say 'hi and I love you', and even though you have the toughest time trying to convey your feeling, when you do, it stays in my heart for months, even though it is in Philspeak like 'damn you succubus, marry me'. Lol that would stay in my memory forever. What I am trying to say even though it is hard for you to remember to be sweet at the right moment but when you do it you outdo yourself royally. I always know I am loved and remembered.

There is also your knack of seeing areas that I need improvement on and gently telling me what I am doing wrong and why. I don't always like it because almost always it hurts, but sooner or later I will see that your poking is needed and without you telling me I would not see it or wouldn't know I need to do something about it. For example, when you told me I shouldn't always answer for boy, that it takes away his standing in front of others, that you understand I do it because I care for him but I should start letting go because he needs to grow. It hurts that day because I was already feeling inadequate, like I was not good enough for anyone. But you knew it needed saying, so you said it, gently enough, then hug me long enough so I could hear it over the noise of pain. Only very few in my life can get through to me that way, hun.

When once, a long lifetime ago it seems, I broke down and beg the Lord for a companion  that would love and guide me through my journey, He has outdone Himself, when He brought you into my life. You are more than what I asked for, hun. You have your weaknesses of course but it complements my strengths and vice versa. And when I gave you a carte blanche on a certain matter, you chose not to use it, not that I am taking it back, but just telling you I noticed and appreciate that loyalty.

I could go on and on but I would start saying clichés, thing that has been said in countless of love songs and poems. It would be like a mesh of lyrics like, you are my remedy, my clarity, the one thing I'd rather die than be without. So I will restrain myself. :)

I don't know where our journey will lead, whether we will come to a cross road and have to choose different direction, or we will continue to walk together till it come to a natural end. All I know is that I love you so much and that having you in my life is so good for me. If ever there comes a day I have to let you go, I know  in my heart I could never give you up, I will set you free but I will never be free, because when I said forever I meant it. It would never be fair for anyone else to be second best. I love you, Phil, so much. Happy Birthday and Anniversary.

To Bubble Wrap the Kids or Not?

This morning as I was driving my brother to his driving test, I was listening to Mix.FM's breakfast show, Rod and Sarimah's chosen topic this morning is 'Do Parents Need to Control Their Kids Online Activity?' I was listening in to all the callers and various arguments put forth, it brought to mind how Phil's sister, Kirstie, had an incident happen to her eldest and wishing she could put all her kids in a bubble wrap to protect them from harm. I know the feeling, raising Abang, I have wished time and again that I could push all the hurt away from him and keep him safe from harm. I understood better why my parents were very protective of my sister and I when we were growing up. There is only so much a parent or guardian can do, it is a dangerous world, there is no practical way of protecting children from it, but we can train our children to be better prepared to defend themselves from the danger. I think that is best way to go, because if we want them to grow to their fullest potential, we can't keep them cocooned up, we need to let them be butterflies, just that we need to make sure they will be smart butterflies.

I remember when I was young I really wanted to learn to ride a bike, but dad absolutely refused it. Why you say? Well I was a difficult baby I think, I got into more scrapes than anyone could imagine, by age 7, I had 2 head injuries, an accident which caused me a tip of right pinky, got caught in barb wire, and various other scrapes. So my dad being very protective, thought he could save me from further harm by refusing me bike lessons. It didn't work, I was as stubborn then as I am today, I just cajoled my second cousin to let me practice on his bike. I am sure dad knew I was surreptitiously learning, because I came home with skinned knees and various other injuries from the many falls as I was learning, and I don't actually know till now why he kept quiet. Maybe he finally accepted that there was nothing he can do if I want something bad enough? Well when Abang came along he was on a bike from the day he could walk. I guess I taught dad that it is better to guide and supervise rather than forbid and have it done behind their back.

I guess that is why dad started to teach me how to drive when I was only thirteen. He taught me from 13 right up to when I took my license at age 19, until I finished university at age 23. Ten years to just teach me the defensive part of driving, he still have some small lessons until now when I drive.  But that is just it, there was no way dad could have stopped me from learning to drive, the only control he had was to make sure I become a very competent driver that I know how to handle any situation that would come my way. That is it really, there is no way parents can stop life's danger and risk from encroaching into their children's lives but they can make sure their children are well prepared for it.

So as I send boy to his driving test today, I kept telling him that he will do fine, and in my mind I kept telling myself, dad and I have taught him all we can, and he will be all right when he gets his license. There is no bubble wrap big enough and save enough for me to cocoon that little boy of mine, because he needs to come out as a strong, smart, beautiful butterfly, and we have done as much as possible to make sure he is ready for it. 

And So It Goes

How many times it seems

can promises be broken?

Again and again

my heart breaks and bleeds

feels like it will never heals

I guess this is what happens

when the devil answered my prayers.

Tears don’t seem to have the answer why

and so it bleeds and hurts

as the universe applauded

with their I told you so.

rya

30/10/13

8.13 am

Tell Me You Love Me For A Million Years ...

What do I say,

To a gesture that screams

I love you so much that even

if I bleed I am going to do this

but it would have gouged my heart and then ground it to dust

and never could I go around to collect the pieces to put it back together again.

I know you did it out love,

I know you suffered,

But hun,

don’t you ever hurt me like that again.

I love you to the moon and back as the songs goes,

Tell me you love me for a million years, if it don’t work out, then you can tell me goodbye.

Why should we hurt for all eternity when it is only convention that demands it?

Live and let live, and as we seize the moment, who knows what tomorrow will bring?

I love you.

rya

10/3/13

7:04 am

Meandering Back Down Memory Lane

Abang asked me the other day, how can I be so patient with Adik when she is in her High-high-blue mode? I replied, I have dealt with Mom’s High-high-blue mode since I was born, and Adik has not reached Mom’s PhD level yet. I don’t know ever since I was old enough to be left alone and take care of Mom for short period, dad has trusted me to be able to handle Mom’s peculiarities. Adik being daddy’s pet back then is almost always with dad on location when he is shooting nearby, (if he were outstation, he would drag all of us of course), so I was left with Mummy. On most occasions Mom was healthy and aware, but there were occasions when I was left with Mom when she was not well. I still remember 9 year old me, trying to convince Mom she can’t go out of the house wearing nothing, and then trying to tell her actually Daddy said we are not to go out at all until dad comes home.

All my life, my first purpose was to look after Mom, then everything else. It comes to me like second nature that I don’t even have to shift behavior when Mom is sick, so when it came to Adik, even though she is harder to control because she is so much more stubborn than Mom, I don’t bat an eyelash. Whenever Mom was sick, she always prefer me to be there for her, maybe because she get so use to me being there, or maybe because I have a softer touch than Dad and Adik. It seems true with Adik now too, she prefers how I am with her when she is sick rather than Dad and Abang. I still remember when I went to university; I will call home every day, just to check that Mummy is ok, that all is fine at home. People in my residential college noticed this habit of mine and they were speculating if I have a boyfriend, one brave soul actually asked me directly, who was I calling every day. When I told her my mom, she looked at me incredulously.

When I received my teaching posting to Sarawak, Mummy was warded in the psychiatric ward in Hospital Kuala Lumpur (HKL). She asked for me every day, not wanting anyone else to visit her. I tried telling her I had to go to Sarawak, but she couldn’t understand. When I was getting on the plane, I cried my hardest, because I was leaving my sick Mom and my two year old brother (whom I have raised since he was a baby) behind. The reason I rejected the posting after I arrived in Kuching was the realization that I couldn’t in good conscience just leave these two people I love behind. So when a friend who had the same posting I had, angrily telling me at our graduation that Kapit was a big city, I was taken aback, speechless, but then I realize not a lot of my friends know my family situation. That incident reminds me to never judge without knowing all the facts.

When Mom passed away, one of the texts I sent to a close friend, was a question, who do I take care of now? I really felt a loss; I was so use to looking after Mummy that when she was gone I felt purposeless, that my life had no meaning. But of course soon it was obvious that I still had the rest of the family to take care of, but it was just not the same, not to the same intense degree like it was with Mom. So I guess that is about it today, I don’t know why, but maybe visiting Adik in the same ward Mom was in nowadays, stirred up old memories. 

Down and Out Trying to Fight!

In another few days I will be another year older. As always I am quite depress around this time of the year, but this year I have added stress to make it more depressive. Lord, I have always taken what you give me and I have tried my best to live life in Your grace. But lately, I feel the hits are coming faster and harder, I know You won’t give more than I can take, but I feel like You have finally reached my limit, Lord, I am down on my knees, asking for a cease fire. Help! I can’t take any more.

For days, I have been thinking of writing about me and handling first Mom’s, then Adik’s bouts with mental illness. But as I typed today, I can’t. I can’t make myself go through all those heartbreaking periods of my life. That does not even count on my own dance with that devil. Suffice to say, however much I write or tell people, it will always be my cross to bear, however people sympathize, empathy is hard unless they have gone through similar situations.  Thank you Lord, for Phil and my family, for without them I would be already be drowning.

I don’t know what else to say. I pray for strength, because I am running out, I pray for better days ahead, because I know You won’t let me dwell too long in this misery. And of course I pray for Mom, Al-Fatihah!

Women and Handling Car Problems

This morning as I was driving Adik to work, I heard Sarimah on Mix.FM talking about how her tire exploded and she had to hitch a ride with the security guard to work. Then she was asking Rod how is she going to get it fixed, since she can’t move the car. Rod was telling her that she has to get it towed, or someone from the tire shop can come and take the tire, replace it and put it back. All the time I was hearing this I was seething, I was like change the tire to your spare woman, and then go get a new tire and change it back. Grr.

 Then I heard the reason her tire exploded was because she has no idea how to put the air in to her tires and had ask a friend to do it and he or she has put on too much air pressure that when she went over the bumper and the tire exploded. Hmm maybe both front tires exploded, she wasn't clear on that. But then again, the point I am trying to make is I don’t understand this helplessness of most women when handling basic car maintenance and problems.

Years ago a colleague of mine came to work saying that her engine blew because her husband is away and no one was around to check the water in the radiator. Really? Lord, when I started driving Dad made sure that I knew basic car maintenance, like checking the water, brake fluids, engine oil etc. He wouldn't let me drive on my own until I could change a tire by myself. It was basic logic really; if you want to drive you need to learn not only how to drive but all the other basic stuff of taking care of the car, whether you are a man or a woman.

So whenever I hear a woman saying she has no idea what to do when there is something wrong with her car, I seethe.