Jumbled Mind

My mind has been invaded by a jumble of thoughts lately, that it has been hard trying to stay focus. My mood also has been tumbling around more than tumbleweed would. I have been thinking about writing for days, but just couldn’t find the right mood. I have been missing Phil really bad lately and whenever that happen it awakens another hurt, missing Mum. I can assuage missing Phil by skyping with him, but even reciting what people tells me to recite in honor of Mum would not take away the pain. I know from what people told me that I’ll always miss her just that with time it will get easier, and I guess not enough time has pass for me.

These past few weeks I have been thinking about her desperate request when she first woken up from the induce coma and she was quite lucid, she ask if I was married and when I told her no, she begged real desperately for me to get married. Since I finish my degree Mum has been teasingly requesting me to get married, and I would always teasingly tell her my destiny is to look after her and not some man, and she’d refuse that and said she wants to have grandchildren and I have to try hard to give her that. Well on that day after jokingly telling her I can’t get married because I have to look after her and she seriously told me my husband would look after her, so I push the joke aside and promised her I’ll try to fulfill her wish if she would only get well fast. It is my biggest regret I can’t fulfill that wish in her lifetime and no one would have known how my heart bleed when someone said at her funeral, it’s a shame she’ll never see her children married and have children of their own. Some people never know how thoughtless and insensitive their innocent comments could be, I guess.

Then my mind has also been swirling about this fairytale mom use to tell me when I was young. It was a long story, told to Mum by her grandmother as reward for pulling her grandma’s grey hair, so you can imagine how the story was dragged out so great grandma can get the most worth out of the story. I have an idea how to retell it with the protagonist who just lost her mother and in her nostalgia of recalling the story her late mother told her somehow stumble into the story itself. I have been trying to start writing it for days now, but as usual my muse stay silent, and stories are always harder on me than poetry. Well praying I can get this done, just for the satisfaction it’ll bring me.

I have also been thinking about Phil and I, I can’t believe it has been 2 years plus since we first said hello in the knighthood forum. Knighthood is already canceled but it has forged a strong bond for us. I have been meaning to write about us just to clarify it in my mind, but again my unfocused mind is not letting me write anything I want. I am amaze I get to write these few paragraphs today, that is how jumbled my mind has been these days.
Well I guess that is all for now. What the hell am I going to title it now? It is always a problem. LOL

Idup coceles

I was barely 2 years old, and living in grandma’s house, a staunch UMNO supporter, and I was spouting Hidup Sosialis (Live on Socialist) taught by my dad who was in Parti Sosialis Rakyat Malaysia then. It amuses him until now that I with my two years lisp would shout it loudly in a household and family who was pro-government, but that was how I was taught from the very beginning to always choose for myself what I feel right and not what the majority thought was right. Dad raised a rebel right from the start. All my life my dad taught me to look at things from all sides and he also taught me to look for things beneath the surface because so much is hidden if we are not taught to look, so many things easily manipulated so we are fooled, that it became second nature for me to think differently from others because my eyes saw different things than others.

Because of his lessons I was supplemented in my political intelligence so it took over the spoon feeding culture of our school and I always question everything that was told to me, so that I never take things at face value. As I grew up though, I noticed that I become too passionate about stuff that I care about that it threatens to overwhelm me, I put the brakes on and tried to be obsessed about natural teenagers stuffs like boy bands etc, and to my dad dismay I seem to limit my reading materials to romance novels, he is still upset I won’t read ‘The Lords of the Rims’. But I guess I chose to keep my sanity rather than be consume by a cause that will sapped the life out of me just by the fact I will be in the minority and it can take me to the end of my life without any result, so I chose to concentrate to personal causes I can win.

But from time to time, I will be affected especially when I see so many not seeing the right things, and I will speak up and then of course time and again be disappointed because not many could accept what I say because they weren’t expose to the same thing I was, wasn’t brought up the way I was, of course I’ll find a few who could agree, but too few to mention, so then again I decide to keep my peace ‘til the next time I am roused again. LOL

Phil was brought up in a different culture altogether, where how I was thought to think was an anomaly, in his it is the norm, and he is of the same mold of dad, you have to know and be aware of all these things and fight for the cause in any small way you can, both of them passionate but strong enough to not be consumed, so like dad, he does not really get it why someone like me choose to avoid or to be more accurate hide myself. So the way Phil sees it maybe she does not know what to read or what to look at, so he started giving me books, and pointed out news for me to look at, and yes I admit, I should try be like them, be aware yet not let it affect me too much, care but not let it be my whole life, which I must say is very difficult. But as Phil says, I am still growing up, so I will learn.

So for my friends, this few days I finally snapped and couldn’t keep my silence, if my opinion differ from yours, I hope you know, I come from a different angle altogether, not that I don’t respect your opinion but I am trying to give a different view which you might have missed. But I know everyone of you appreciate that others can disagree and not be frightened by it, because the right to having a different opinion is what being human is all about, there are times when we are individuals and there are times when we are part of a collective. Live and let live!

Playing with My Hair

One fine day as we were chatting on Skype, Phil linked me a youtube video, he is wont to link me things of interest from time to time. That day it was a how to video of different style of braids. I found out that to relax my man likes to watch hairstyling videos done by cute girls, LOL. But, I don’t know how he knows, I love to play with my hair, I learned to do French braids, French twist and stuff by watching others as I grew up. I never thought to go google it to learn more, so Phil gave me a whole afternoon of pleasure just going through one how to videos after another. It set me off learning all this different styles of braiding, and a whole few weeks of practicing it and it took my mind of missing him and worrying about my flight to UK, oh yes my honey really knows how to take my mind of things, one of the reason why I love him.

Ok, let’s get back to my story, yesterday Phil linked me a video of an interview of Ukrainian Opposition Leader, Yulia Timoshenko, apart from discussing her political troubles, I mentioned sheepishly to Phil that I like her hairstyle.



So lo and behold, Phil said let me dig up something for you, and he linked me a youtube video of how to do the hairstyle. The video was very easy to follow but it seems a bit complicated to me, so Phil linked up other videos of different way to approach it, bless him, instead of laughing at me for being such a girl and noticing the hairstyle instead of seriously discussing the issues he was trying to highlight, he understood and actually paid attention to my interest.



So here are different angles of how my first try at the braid turn out. I could use more practice and most probably a mirror, I did it while watching Merlin on tv, but I think it turn out quite nice.









Well thank you hun for being the man you are, it gave me hours of pleasure and yes took my mind of missing you so much. :)