I Miss You Mummy 7

Five days into the New Year, and I haven’t been able to write, helped Phil edit out his blog post, though I left his spelling alone, it’s too cute, but myself, I am stuck. It is weird entering a new year without mom, I made no resolution not even an unofficial one, and I think if not for Phil and the family I would not even think of the future. Adik kept saying she feels hollow, that without Mummy something big is missing, Abang is still having problem going to sleep, wanting Mummy. I kept trying to bolster their spirit, telling them to move forward, and I am doing such a good job that at one point or others both have asked me if I don’t feel as bad as them, that I seem to be missing Phil more and telling them that almost every day. Well what I couldn’t say is why I need Phil and miss him so much, they’d be upset, saying I can depend on them as much as they depend on me, the thing is I need Phil to be what I am to my sibs, someone I can lean on and cry on without feeling guilty, being the eldest is hard, no one bigger to lean on and when dad is carrying a much bigger burden it is a wonder that I have Phil to go to. He has been great and it is amazing how much he helped being so far away and why I am counting the days till he is here in February.

I have tried so many times to write down more of my memories, but it gets harder each time. I got to see Kak Limah before she flew off to Turkey; we went out for breakfast at Singgahanrasa with a friend who was visiting her. Every time I started a story I kept saying Mum used to… up to a point Kak gently point out I shouldn’t keep mentioning Mum, she is afraid that I won’t and can’t move on, if I keep doing it. But actually, the more I talk about Mum and remembering, it gets easier to let go, Phil is right, it helps ease the pain though very hard to do without crying at first.

So though I can’t see beyond tomorrow for me right now having Phil by my side is a blessing I have not appreciated fully, I don’t think I would have survived the end of last year, not when all my strongest support all this while needed me more than I could have stand alone, which thank God, I was not. So hun I don’t know if I told you how much I appreciated you being there for me, that even though you were not here physically, I felt your presence throughout and it helped me go on, thank you. So whatever comes in the future I guess I will be all right as long as you are by my side. :)

Happy New Year! I miss you mummy!