I Miss You Mummy 9

Every time I crossed the Temerloh Bridge and staring at the undulating Pahang River there is always the sense of peace and everything right in my life. Why? I don’t know actually. But I guessed it has to be connected with an incident that mom and dad like to tell me every time we cross the bridge. When I was young mom often would be hospitalized, usually in Johor, because that was where the doctor of the then Sultan of Pahang recommended was posted. Mom was hospitalized 7 days after I was born and then again after 40 days Adik was born. Dad of course will stay with uncle Nizar or Abah Abib in Johor to look after mom, leaving me (at first, then with Adik) with Tok Jamilah in Chenor.

I guessed being so young I didn’t understand why my parents would leave me, not that Tok didn’t take good care of us, but I just can’t helped feeling abandoned by Mom and Dad. I guess when I was left at 2 and a half with 40 days Adik, I was more aware of it and able to show my confusion and displeasure. The story goes when Mom and Dad came back to pick us up after Mom was discharged I refuse to be held or even speak to both my parents. There I sat quietly in the back seat of the car, silent, and if anyone knows me, a silent me is very unusual, I usually talk a mile a minute and most of them in question form, so Mom kept looking back at me willing me to speak, I don’t know how awful I made her feel, but I guess someone that young won’t have learnt empathy yet, it was when we were crossing the bridge and me staring at the river meandering slowly that I suddenly turn and say “Mummy, Daddy.” Mum said it was as if I just recognized that the adults who took me were my parents. It was as if I crossed a bridge in my mind as we were crossing the physical bridge. I guess that is why I always love crossing that bridge and why I have a deep love for the Pahang River.

Talking about the river reminds me of Mom’s unfinished opus, she was writing the story of her life, of how she grew up beside the Pahang River and how her life has meander the way the river meanders. She called it “Meandering River”, she wrote out a chapter when I was 14, her recollection of her first year of marriage and her pregnancy with me, how difficult it was for her, I read it and it made me cry. I didn’t know how hard it was for her and she wrote it so beautifully that it really tugs the heart string. Mom never continued it though because subsequently whenever she starts to continue writing it signal another relapse, until whenever mom talk about her book, we know it is a signal of her oncoming relapse, another hospital stay. I wish she could have finished it, that would have given me something of hers to read again and again, and sadly enough even that chapter she wrote is gone now, after so many moves. I don’t know maybe one day we could finish it for her, but it’ll never be the same, I miss u mummy!

I miss you Mummy 8

Anyone who knows me, know that I am allergic to my middle name. I really can’t take it when people call me Rita, it gives me the shivers and the feeling that I am in deep trouble, thanks to growing up naughty and having Mom scream to the whole world, RITA!!!!! Well when I hear that particular scream, I know like I have 3 seconds to get myself home and go face Daddy’s judgement, lol, cause Mom never scream for me unless Dad is home and very upset that I am not home yet. What can I say, I fancied myself an adventurer when I was young, so I spend the whole day exploring even places that is forbidden for me, so when the scream sounded I know I deserve whatever scolding I am going to get.

Well before I go further with that I better tell how I got my middle name and how before Adik comes along and I got stuck with the moniker Along, I was called by my middle name by family and family friends who has known me when I was in diapers. When I was born Dad was Editor of a new entertainment magazine called, Rita, so I was named after the magazine. From the moment I was named, dad calls me Rita and so that was how I was known and presented to the world. It was ok I guess, no kid has a choice on their name, we don’t come out carrying a name card saying here is what I prefer to be called, lol. But as I grow up and especially after Adik came 2 and half years later and family starts addressing me as Along ( a nickname given to the eldest), Rita frequently become – oh you are in so much trouble – name. I don’t know why Mom did not follow every other moms who will call their children’s full name when they are in trouble, but then again, thinking about it I am never around when mom needs to scold me, lol, I think screaming my full name would have been really hard, lol, so RITA!!!!!!! Is easier for her, and you guys trust me she has such a loud frightening way of screaming my name till now a mere mention of the name has me shaking in my boots still. :)

So I never failed to mention to people I meet to never call me Rita, though Yasleh is effectively my family name and shared with both my siblings, I will still tell friends to call me Yasleh or Yas. The funny thing is, a lecturer who really took to heart that I am scared of my middle name, insisted in calling me Rita despite several request from me not to. A friend commented that the lecturer is intimidated by me and thinks she need all the advantage she can get, lol, which makes me retort, intimidated by little old me, I am the kindest student she’ll ever have, lol.

So that is why I hate being called Rita, by the way I still have to endure when meeting relatives and old family friends. But you know what I’d give the world to just hear Mom scream RITA!!!! One more time. I miss you Mummy!

I Miss You Mummy 7

Five days into the New Year, and I haven’t been able to write, helped Phil edit out his blog post, though I left his spelling alone, it’s too cute, but myself, I am stuck. It is weird entering a new year without mom, I made no resolution not even an unofficial one, and I think if not for Phil and the family I would not even think of the future. Adik kept saying she feels hollow, that without Mummy something big is missing, Abang is still having problem going to sleep, wanting Mummy. I kept trying to bolster their spirit, telling them to move forward, and I am doing such a good job that at one point or others both have asked me if I don’t feel as bad as them, that I seem to be missing Phil more and telling them that almost every day. Well what I couldn’t say is why I need Phil and miss him so much, they’d be upset, saying I can depend on them as much as they depend on me, the thing is I need Phil to be what I am to my sibs, someone I can lean on and cry on without feeling guilty, being the eldest is hard, no one bigger to lean on and when dad is carrying a much bigger burden it is a wonder that I have Phil to go to. He has been great and it is amazing how much he helped being so far away and why I am counting the days till he is here in February.

I have tried so many times to write down more of my memories, but it gets harder each time. I got to see Kak Limah before she flew off to Turkey; we went out for breakfast at Singgahanrasa with a friend who was visiting her. Every time I started a story I kept saying Mum used to… up to a point Kak gently point out I shouldn’t keep mentioning Mum, she is afraid that I won’t and can’t move on, if I keep doing it. But actually, the more I talk about Mum and remembering, it gets easier to let go, Phil is right, it helps ease the pain though very hard to do without crying at first.

So though I can’t see beyond tomorrow for me right now having Phil by my side is a blessing I have not appreciated fully, I don’t think I would have survived the end of last year, not when all my strongest support all this while needed me more than I could have stand alone, which thank God, I was not. So hun I don’t know if I told you how much I appreciated you being there for me, that even though you were not here physically, I felt your presence throughout and it helped me go on, thank you. So whatever comes in the future I guess I will be all right as long as you are by my side. :)

Happy New Year! I miss you mummy!