Alone

Words have left me
and I am bereft
without them
speechless
to describe
how
now
I
…

rya
30 September 2010, 11.10 pm

Storms

You know the saying when it rains, it pours. It really does. In my storms hit life, however bad it gets I have always had someone to help prop me up, my survival so far has depended on that. So when Mummy was critical in ICU, even though I cried, from guilt mostly, I know I’d get through it because Daddy, Adik and Abang is right beside me and of course the support of others that love us. But yesterday when in the morning the doctor told me Abang has influenza B and has to be quarantined at home for three days, and then brought Adik to the doctor to check out her swollen foot – infected wound and need rest, and seeing Daddy who can’t barely move because of a bad back ache, and seeing Mummy who is slowly improving health wise but worsening mental wise, was just too much. I have never felt so alone or so overwhelmed. Texting my boyfriend and one of my closest friend help somewhat, but both being so far away can’t take away that feeling of helplessness of not being strong enough to do all that needs doing. Before anyone starts telling me that Allah is always beside me and I should have faith in Him to help me, I know that, but me being human with human failings so that moment of weakness is kind of expected, isn’t it?

I am just writing this as usual to get this out of my system instead of it fermenting and becoming toxic in my mind, I am all right or I’ll be fine soon because I am the pillar and my weak point is still protected so I guess will not be crumbling anytime soon.

Waiting...

Does a pillar have a choice not to be strong?
Can it choose to sway when storms hit?
Of course not,
it was never design to choose,
but it doesn’t mean it won’t break
because if you hit it hard enough
or exactly at its weakest point
it’ll not only break
it might crumble and fall.
Do I have a choice not to be strong?
It was never an option,
but having no choice
make my weakest point weaker
and one hit is all it is going to take
and all my life
it has been a waiting game
of when would the cookie crumbles…

Sad September

September is here again, and since the year that marks my sweet sixteen I have always dreaded this month, the month I was born in. Exactly why I don’t know, but it was soon after my 15th birthday I suffered my first depression, a month or so before my Sijil Rendah Pelajaran (SRP) examination. Actually the years of my late teens up to early twenties are quite vague in my mind, too many bad memories, questionable actions, horrible mistakes etc that I have filed hastily away and covered with layers and layers of ‘distractions’.

Why then do I try to unpack these better left forgotten memories now? I don’t know. Maybe it’s facing yet another birthday and it makes me maudlin, or maybe I feel I am back to square one, back in that moment when I was so confuse and angry at the unstable state of my mind. It could be also that I am now stuck in limbo of not knowing which route to chose and have no clear idea where each routes going to take me and that means major changes, and changes is just not something I deal very well with. Anyone who knows me knows I am seriously anal about my habits, I have been doing things the same way for so long, I have kept wearing the same type of shoes for years, buying the same model and color year after year (if they last that long that is), it is not that I don’t change or evolve but every change is painful and takes me a long time to accept and adapt. So I guess in this limbo of indecision, maybe it is a good idea to trace back my route so far and maybe then the yellow brick road will reveal itself.

But then again what good would it do, rehashing stuff that is well left behind, I have dealt with it, learnt from it and grown, I still have a lot of growing to do, but these old memories might not be the best tool for it. I don’t know. I really wish sometimes I could look into the future and see clearly what is best to be done and what is best not done, but we’ve seen how well it turns out in the stories of people knowing their future. So I guess I just have to live one day at a time and deal with my confusion as I have always done it, taking one hesitant step after another with my love ones by my side.

Here’s to hoping this birthday depression will run its course quick and prove to me yet again that however depress I get my loved ones – friends and family included – will give me a memorable birthday. Here’s to my 34th, yeah. (If you could only hear the sarcastic tone, there, lol)


*A photo of me on the first day of my life.*