Forty One Today

Forty one years ago Mummy apologise to Daddy for me being a girl. She wasn't apologising for me being the wrong gender no, both were grateful and love me either way, but apologizing for not delivering on Dad's dream - the dream of a fatherless boy to do stuff with his son that he didn't get to do with his father. At forty one I feel like I have to apologise to both parents for not being able to fulfill both of their dreams for me - I am still unmarried with no PhD.

A failure that is what I feel every birthday since my sweet sixteen. I thought it was only a phase I was going through but after 25 years of this birthday angst, it is safe to say that this is how I am going to feel every birthday. Phil's theory is that we are too intelligent to be able to be happy with what we have. But every birthday I am depressed, the people around me made me feel very ungrateful to be so sad by showing me how blessed I am actually. Without fail friends and family will always show me that I am loved and appreciated every time I feel like it would have been better for me not to be born.

Yesterday as I was approaching a lonely ushering of my birthday, feeling sad that I don't have four people I needed to see it through, Da and Boy came home unexpectedly, so at least missing Mummy and Phil wasn't compounded with Da's and Boy's absence. Adik wrote me the sweetest tribute, as she always does, and made me cry happy tears. So however sad I feel, those I love won't let me forget I am loved.

I don't know how much time on earth I have left, I don't even know if I will ever fulfill both parents' dream for me or even my own dreams, but I will always know I am blessed with people who love me as I am. Thank you .