These past few days I have been scanning old pictures. It
has brought back to mind so many memories. I cried as I scanned pictures of
Mummy, it hits me again how much I miss her. I am not going to write about Mum
today, somehow the pain has been rubbed raw again. Today I am going to talk
about raising my brother. When boy came, Mum wasn’t up to looking after a baby,
she was older and the pills she was taking makes her sleepy and about the time
boy was a month old, Mum had another relapse episode of schizophrenia, so I was
about 19 then, in my last semester of Matriculations in UPM, I just basically
move right back home and traveled 2 buses back and forth from Seri Gombak to
Serdang.
One thing about me, I love babies, I love looking after babies,
the sleepless night, the feedings, the diaper changing are a joy to me. Ever
since I was sixteen, my nightly prayer was for god to give me a baby brother or
sister to look after, there was a series of baby abandonment around then, I
remember asking God I wouldn’t mind if He directs these poor lost soul to my
front door and leave their baby for me to look after. So I wasn’t upset when I
had to take over the majority of the responsibility of looking after boy. I am
not saying it wasn’t hard, it was, they were times the conductor had to wake me
up when we arrive in UPM, because I barely slept at night looking after a
restless baby and have to wake up at 5 a.m.
to be able to catch the first bus to KL so I could take the first bus to
Serdang, to be able to make it for my 8 o’clock class. I made a lot of
mistakes, Mum wasn’t really lucid to guide me, dad wasn’t really around because
he had to work, but I love every minute of it. Thinking about it now I really
miss those days,
It has been a really enjoyable experience looking after my
brother and it has taught me a lot about life. I hope I get to experience it
again, but I guess as I my biological clock ticks faster and faster and I am
still not married, I might just have to resign myself not to ever experience
motherhood from the very beginning, I mean the pregnancy and all that comes
with it. Well, never say never, right? I never thought I’d find anyone I want
to spend the rest of my life with, but I did, I guess I just have to have
another conversation with the almighty, and ask Him for a baby for me this
time. In shaa Allah!
