The road ahead is unfamiliar territory
I don’t know the lay of the land
And as always I am afraid
Everyone think I am strong
But no one knows
How weak I am most times
How it terrifies me no end
To risk anything new
How I cry like a baby
Breathing in its first breath
So now I am frozen in fear
Not knowing where to go
Turning back is not an option
And moving forward scares me
The unknown beckons
And I don’t dare look it in the eye
Until courage come find me again
I’ll be frozen in this limbo
Of constant paranoid terror!
rya
7.43 pm
24 May 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Since When Virgin is a Bad Word?
I have always find Malaysian censorship board as a bit loopy. Well the things they decide to sensor or not are just ridiculous sometimes. And the underestimation of the Malaysian public's intelligence is just insulting.But since we have to live with 'em we have learn to accept it as the quirkiness that is Malaysia. Even though it is funny when u think one singer had to rerecord the word 'sex' to 'love' just so it could be played on the radio, but the song "I Want to Make you Sweat" is allowed in its full glory of implications just because the word sex was never mention.
But when I heard what the sensor did in the song 'Hey Soul Sister'by Train, I just got flabbergasted, I don't know in what world it is we live in if virgin is considered a bad word. Have a listen and hear the bleep in this line, "I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna".I can't imagine the discussion they would have had to rationalize that. It must have gone something like this:
A: Virgin is so a bad word, because it is related to sex, we don't want the teenager to think about sex, so let's bleep virgin out of this song.
B: (nods) Yes you are so right, it is a bad word. Let's bleep it.
Frightening isn't it? I don't think I'd want to live in a world where virgin is a bad word. ;)
But when I heard what the sensor did in the song 'Hey Soul Sister'by Train, I just got flabbergasted, I don't know in what world it is we live in if virgin is considered a bad word. Have a listen and hear the bleep in this line, "I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna".I can't imagine the discussion they would have had to rationalize that. It must have gone something like this:
A: Virgin is so a bad word, because it is related to sex, we don't want the teenager to think about sex, so let's bleep virgin out of this song.
B: (nods) Yes you are so right, it is a bad word. Let's bleep it.
Frightening isn't it? I don't think I'd want to live in a world where virgin is a bad word. ;)
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
To Love or Not to Love
When I was young, I often heard dad saying that if you are ever in a relationship, let the other person loves you more than you love him. It never made sense to me. I guess there's a logic to that, it helps you protect your heart. It will never put you in the position of you needing him more than he ever needs you.But like everything I do in life, I do love wholeheartedly. I can't just say right I love you and that is it. To say I lack love and it made me needy is just ain't true, I have been loved more than I deserve sometimes. Like when bro comes into my life, I have focus almost all my energy in making sure he is alright, that I give him all that he needs. And to his mortification he was all I talk about at work or with friends.
Now I have someone else in my life, well I can't say he is my first boyfriend, but he mights as well be coz the relationship I had before was so superficial, so I can say he is the first person to have the power to break my heart. The way I am going, I don't think I have heeded dad's advice, lol, at times I feel like I am so consume by the thought of him, a constant need to be in contact with him, and carrying around an ache to be with him, which is of course difficult, coz he being so far away. I know he loves me, I don't doubt that, but he seems better at functioning without me, it seems. I paid to play a game, which I swore i'd never do, and it helps me spend time with him however little contact we actually have. At times it seems the game is more important, lol, that he can do without me a few hours, but he can't miss out on his daily quest or be in that interesting raid. I admit it made me cried a few times being ignored or push aside for a game lol, and I guess that is the point of dad's advice, if the other person loves me more than I love him, I wouldn't be so affected,I wouldn't feel hurt. But I do, no matter how many time I try to reason it out, I just need to feel I matter I guess, and it is hard when I get ignored, or promises given, broken. But the thing is when he do spend time with me, even just to tell me what he did in the game, sharing his frustration, testing out his ideas, asking my opinion,I feel so happy, that it made up for all those time he is silently playing his game. I wonder if I'd feel this way if I get to see him every other day instead of only having him on skype chat. I guess that would put this relationship on a different dynamics.
Well I guess that is what I have to learn now, a new kind of compromise and finding balance in myself, learning to control a different kind of emotion and not to let myself drown in my own excessive need. But till then I guess I'll continue to sing this song from Lady Antebellum "Need You Now" and hope he hears it somehow. Coz the lyric really does say what I'm feeling right now.
Lady Antebellum - Need You Now
Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.
Now I have someone else in my life, well I can't say he is my first boyfriend, but he mights as well be coz the relationship I had before was so superficial, so I can say he is the first person to have the power to break my heart. The way I am going, I don't think I have heeded dad's advice, lol, at times I feel like I am so consume by the thought of him, a constant need to be in contact with him, and carrying around an ache to be with him, which is of course difficult, coz he being so far away. I know he loves me, I don't doubt that, but he seems better at functioning without me, it seems. I paid to play a game, which I swore i'd never do, and it helps me spend time with him however little contact we actually have. At times it seems the game is more important, lol, that he can do without me a few hours, but he can't miss out on his daily quest or be in that interesting raid. I admit it made me cried a few times being ignored or push aside for a game lol, and I guess that is the point of dad's advice, if the other person loves me more than I love him, I wouldn't be so affected,I wouldn't feel hurt. But I do, no matter how many time I try to reason it out, I just need to feel I matter I guess, and it is hard when I get ignored, or promises given, broken. But the thing is when he do spend time with me, even just to tell me what he did in the game, sharing his frustration, testing out his ideas, asking my opinion,I feel so happy, that it made up for all those time he is silently playing his game. I wonder if I'd feel this way if I get to see him every other day instead of only having him on skype chat. I guess that would put this relationship on a different dynamics.
Well I guess that is what I have to learn now, a new kind of compromise and finding balance in myself, learning to control a different kind of emotion and not to let myself drown in my own excessive need. But till then I guess I'll continue to sing this song from Lady Antebellum "Need You Now" and hope he hears it somehow. Coz the lyric really does say what I'm feeling right now.
Lady Antebellum - Need You Now
Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Lost
You are not worth anything
You don't deserve to be loved
You are a loser
You are a failure
You are trash
You are NOTHING!
Lord the voices
they are getting
LOUDER.
I don't think
I have the strength
to silence them
anymore.
I can feel myself
nodding to it
and asking
for help
to drown the voices
it is no use
coz no one see
that I have
lost my strength
that I won't
win this fight
anymore.
I know
I have
always
face this
alone
but Lord
I can't anymore
I am losing
the war
after so many
battles won.
Help!
rya
15 May 2010
11.58 pm
You don't deserve to be loved
You are a loser
You are a failure
You are trash
You are NOTHING!
Lord the voices
they are getting
LOUDER.
I don't think
I have the strength
to silence them
anymore.
I can feel myself
nodding to it
and asking
for help
to drown the voices
it is no use
coz no one see
that I have
lost my strength
that I won't
win this fight
anymore.
I know
I have
always
face this
alone
but Lord
I can't anymore
I am losing
the war
after so many
battles won.
Help!
rya
15 May 2010
11.58 pm
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