I don’t think what I am going to talk today is known to many
of my friends. I keep it really close to heart from experience of people not
understanding or lack of life experience to be able to grasp the full nuance of
what it actually means. But I have been dealing with a lot of emotional
upheaval these past few years, and I find that I need to write about it so I
can deal with it. But me being me, I can’t write for my own view, it has to have
a ‘perceived’ audience.
Not everyone knows of this, I have never kept it a secret, but
I don’t tell people when I said hello either. My mom was diagnosed of having
schizophrenia when she was 18, so when she had me at 26, she was already a veteran
of 8 years of living with a mental disorder. My whole life that was the reality
I live in, it was my normal. When I had my first breakdown when I was 15, it
was scary, I understood for the first time how it was like for mom, not to be
able to be in control of your own mind, and my respect and my love for her tripled,
she was a terrific mom even when she was sick, the amount of strength and love
she must have had in her to still remember that she is a mom first and
foremost.
I was the eldest, ever since I can remember, I was charged
with the responsibility of the family after dad. When I had my breakdown, a few
months before SRP (Sijil Rendah Pelajaran), dad decided to handle it himself,
he knew if I went the medical route, I would have to be dependent on meds
forever and sooner or later be dependent on others to live and would be very
difficult for me to be able to look after my mom and sister as well as myself.
Some people would say it is not fair, but life is not about fairness, life is
dealing with the cards you are dealt with, and we were dealt with such a card,
and whatever is needed to be done to be able to go on is what we did.
So dad
with his years of experience of dealing with mom and his own peculiarities
became my psychologist. It was really rough, but we learnt, my habit of liking to
read became my salvation, reading replaced anti-depressants, and dad taught me
to stabilize my emotion and I learned through trial and error on how to keep
myself in check, the lows (depression) was not so hard for me, it is very rare
that I would come to a point of wanting to kill myself, but the highs
(psychosis) was very hard at first, luckily I got away with just appearing slightly
odd or unique to my friends.
So with very strong family support and understanding I
managed to somewhat become a responsible ‘normal’ adult. When my sister had her
breakdown when she was 20, I was experienced enough to recognize that she
needed more help than I did; dad hoped I know that what worked with me would
work with her. But yeah, it is not the same for everyone, and I am not saying I
was stronger and sis was weaker, it is just is.
The reason I am writing this today, is not to bring this out
in the open, I am just trying to remind myself the journey. I have been depressed
for the past few years, it is nothing new. But these past few months it has been
extraordinarily difficult, there has not been a day that I did not think about
ending my life. As I said before, I was never suicidal, it is very rare. So I
was racking my brain of why it is happening now. A month ago, I was hospitalized to go through
a prolong fasting test, part of the procedure of being admitted was talking to
the pharmacist about my medications. When I mentioned that I was taking Amitriptyline
for my migraine, the pharmacist interjected, saying "that wasn't what it was
for." So that made me wanted to go to my best friend Mr. Google and find out,
but of course I didn't have net connection in the hospital and it slipped my mind.
But something made me Google it a few weeks ago and this is what I found out.
Taken from Wikipedia:
Amitriptyline /ˌæmɪˈtrɪptɪliːn/[5] (Elavil, Endep, Levate
and many others) is a tricyclic antidepressant (TCA). It is the most widely
used TCA.
It is used to treat a number of mental disorders including:
major depressive disorder, anxiety, and less commonly psychosis, attention
deficit hyperactivity disorder, and bipolar disorder. Other uses include:
prevention of migraines and post herpetic neuralgia and less commonly
insomnia.[6]
I was like what, all the things I had to do to avoid
anti-depressant and I was slyly given it for something else.
That brought me to other links and most of it has this to
say:
You may have thoughts about suicide when you first start
taking an antidepressant such as amitriptyline, especially if you are younger
than 24 years old. Your doctor will need to check you at regular visits for at
least the first 12 weeks of treatment.
Report any new or worsening symptoms to your doctor, such
as: mood or behavior changes, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, or if
you feel impulsive, irritable, agitated, hostile, aggressive, restless,
hyperactive (mentally or physically), more depressed, or have thoughts about
suicide or hurting yourself.
I know I am not younger than 24 years old, but the worsening
symptoms described me these past few months. I have been trying to still take
the meds at least until I see the neurologist this coming January, but after
spending the whole of last weekend crying for no reason, I finally decided to stop taking the meds for
a week at least and see if things would improve. I am hoping it is the meds,
because if it is not, then it means I have to find new ways to deal with my worsening
depression. Lord, help!
