Happy 37th birthday, hun and an advance happy 4th
anniversary . I don't know what to do this birthday and anniversary, can't seem
to come up with any good poems lately. A bit stuck. Not feeling enough either
negatively or positively, so not in a good poetry mode. So I just thought I
would write my thoughts on how you make me feel, why I love you, why I need you
and why I can't let you go. I don't know how I am going to get this across, the
blog would be too public, your FB inbox, I am not even sure you read that.
Maybe a private FB note. I don't know, I will figure it out once I have this
written down. (I think this could go to my blog, very personal, but not
something I'd mind sharing).
Ever since I have known you, you have been my anchor in rough
water. Whatever the trouble, whatever the problem or crisis, I just need to
talk to you and everything doesn't seem too big or unmanageable. You always
seem to be able to center me and break it down to pieces I can handle. No one
have ever manage to do that, not even dad, he makes me feel safe and I think of
him as some kind of superman that would save me, but you make me see I can
manage things myself, your belief in me is remarkable and your ability to calm
me down and hold me stable while everything around me is twirling in a
hurricane is something I have never found in anyone in my life before.
You also have a knack of motivating me to do stuff pass my
comfort zone. Like when you convince me to rebel
out of my liege dead kingdom, talking me through it, being there every
step of the way, hell, you were there to take over when my internet was acting
up. But what I noticed most is how patient you are when you try to motivate, it
was really highlighted when we got lost in Scout Scar. You never once lost your
patience throughout all my crying bouts, which were numerous, you talked me
through all of it, told me I can do it, even spun that story, so I could laugh
and go on. All throughout the 5 years I have known you, that is how you have
always been, my patient motivator, and right by my side each difficult step I
had to take, even if most of the time your presence is metaphorical, but still
always a presence.
You tell me you don't do birthdays, anniversaries, presents
and most of the time you forget to say I love you or return my I love 'you's,
but when you do remember it is heart meltingly sweet. The friend you sent over
to be my power 20 Lady when I told you it was my birthday. I still remember how
disoriented your friend when she realized she came to someone she does not know
all. That was sweet. Then the fairy tale you wrote me about a bookworm princess
rescuing a rat prince answering my request for a birthday story was beyond
sweet, it would have made sugar jealous. And all the times you wait up so I
would be online so you could say 'hi and I love you', and even though you have
the toughest time trying to convey your feeling, when you do, it stays in my
heart for months, even though it is in
Philspeak like 'damn you succubus, marry me'. Lol that would stay in my
memory forever. What I am trying to say even though it is hard for you to
remember to be sweet at the right moment but when you do it you outdo yourself
royally. I always know I am loved and remembered.
There is also your knack of seeing areas that I need
improvement on and gently telling me what I am doing wrong and why. I don't
always like it because almost always it hurts, but sooner or later I will see
that your poking is needed and without you telling me I would not see it or
wouldn't know I need to do something about it. For example, when you told me I
shouldn't always answer for boy, that it takes away his standing in front of
others, that you understand I do it because I care for him but I should start
letting go because he needs to grow. It hurts that day because I was already
feeling inadequate, like I was not good enough for anyone. But you knew it
needed saying, so you said it, gently enough, then hug me long enough so I
could hear it over the noise of pain. Only very few in my life can get through
to me that way, hun.
When once, a long lifetime ago it seems, I broke down and
beg the Lord for a companion that would
love and guide me through my journey, He has outdone Himself, when He brought
you into my life. You are more than what I asked for, hun. You have your
weaknesses of course but it complements my strengths and vice versa. And when I
gave you a carte blanche on a certain matter, you chose not to use it, not that
I am taking it back, but just telling you I noticed and appreciate that
loyalty.
I could go on and on but I would start saying clichés, thing
that has been said in countless of love songs and poems. It would be like a
mesh of lyrics like, you are my remedy, my clarity, the one thing I'd rather
die than be without. So I will restrain myself. :)
I don't know where our journey will lead, whether we will
come to a cross road and have to choose different direction, or we will
continue to walk together till it come to a natural end. All I know is that I
love you so much and that having you in my life is so good for me. If ever
there comes a day I have to let you go, I know
in my heart I could never give you up, I will set you free but I will
never be free, because when I said forever I meant it. It would never be fair
for anyone else to be second best. I love you, Phil, so much. Happy Birthday
and Anniversary.
