Pretty is as Pretty does

I texted Phil one day that he makes me feels beautiful when he looks at me. A couple of days later, he asked me in Skype, does that mean I feel I am not beautiful? So I said, yeah, there are days I don’t feel beautiful, I’d feel fat or something about my skin, my teeth etc would make me feel less than perfect.

My honey being what he is was like, to be honest you are a bit fat by European standard, and he went on and on telling me why, but of course he was quick to tell me this is him being an objective observer and not my boyfriend who loves me as I am and will always love me (girls, aww).

Well so I went on to tell him of course I am aware that I have a bit more to love, but I don’t think I was explaining it very well to him, but the way he looks at me makes me feel all my flaws does not matter, because he when he looks at me he sees me whole physically and spiritually and it is clear in his gaze he finds me as a person, beautiful, and he tells it very clearly that he loves that person he sees wholly and honestly.

When I tried telling him that, he just said, ahh so it is not just a body thing then. Well he went on to discuss self esteem stuff after that, but what strikes me is it surprises him that I would doubt that I am pretty because to him it is a fact just that it is fact he is tall. I really don’t know where to go from there, I am grateful that he sees me that way, but I know for a fact love has a way of skewering our vision, but I am assured by the fact that he loves me for the person and not the body, because I know there are a lot of more girls out there who has beautiful bodies, but not a lot of girls who sees the world as I do of which incidentally is how he perceive his world and so we could say it is a perfect match of world view. :)

35th Birthday

Almost a week has passed since my birthday, and as usual when I am really depressed, I can’t write. I had an excellent birthday, really – nice cake, lots of books for presents, even had birthday money and my facebook wall was flooded with well wishes. But as usual however nice people around me try to make me enjoy my birthday, there is this core of me that is never happy I am year older. I figured it out years ago; a birthday is just another marker of another year gone by at me failing to achieve my life goals. It is no celebration, it is a deadline I fail to meet and each year I get more desperate as I failed yet again. Well enough about that, if I keep on about it I’ll fall back into doldrums which I don’t like to wallow in too long.

On my birthday, we went back to Kampung Awah to finish ordering Mum’s kalang (grave base), I wished we had time to visit Mum’s grave, but we were pressed for time, but even without going to her grave I was already crying as I was driving there and back. But I was real happy we get to finalize that on my birthday.

A friend in her birthday wish teases me what Phil gave me for my birthday. So I told that to Phil and to my amusement he said :[9/7/2011 2:10:53 PM] Phil McQuinn: well bit hard hun seeing as we dont play games together any more[9/7/2011 2:11:05 PM] Phil McQuinn: we should try and fix thatIt seems Phil is going to stick to his tradition of gifting me in game gifts and since we don’t really play together anymore he ran out of idea. So because I know he loves buying me stuff when I am with him for no reason but that he likes doing it, I won’t ever be without material stuff, so I ask him for a birthday gift that would be special and something I could cherish and share forever, I ask him to write me a story. He let me read one story he wrote a long time ago, it was short but it was really good, that I have been begging him to go back writing stories down, of course he is too busy.

So with him having no idea what to give me for my birthday, I requested a story and he said ok. A few days later he told me he has the story down but the ending and will polish it in the weekend. I was so thrilled and impatient to read of course, but during the weekend he admitted to some teething problem in writing the story. So I asked him what the problem was. It turned out he was trying to write it in Malay, how sweet, I thought, but I know how difficult it is to translate English to Malay even when you have good grasp of both language, so I can Imagine the trouble he is having. So I told him he could give me both version and he went straight ahead to work on that and I am still waiting. He did warn me I might get it closer to my 36 birthday, oh surely not, I can barely contain myself even now. :)