You did it out of love
worried that I have lost my way,
I guess it hurt you to hurt me,
but was I so lost,
that it needed
that big a shock,
that big a hurt?
My eyes still sore
from two days of crying,
knew you wouldn’t apologize,
but because a hug
can’t be given,
can’t I at least get a
sorry for making you cry hun
plus the ‘you so needed that’
because I love you so much
the hurt multiplies
what would have stung
bled
what would have bled
festered
know that I know
it was done out of love
still didn’t take away the pain
rya
10.50 p.m.
21 March 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Help!
I don’t know where else to turn. Only to you, the Almighty could help me now. I have royally screwed up my life and I have no idea how to fix it. You have given me glimpses of how great my future could be, but this could put a halt to everything. Oh Lord, only to you could I ask to make this burden easier, because right now I don’t see a way out of this mess. The eternal silence of that dark deep place is tempting now, so tempting, but hopefully my faith in you and my love to my beloveds would keep me safe from it. But Lord, I am really at the end of my rope, I am confuse, worried, guilty, and so many other things. Could you please show me the way out. I need to hope that things would turn out all right, that happy future you showed me glimpses of is possible. I know Lord, I haven’t done the best that I can, and I have gotten lost so often, but I have faith in Your love and it keeps me hanging on. Please, could you show me the way because I am truly lost.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Letters to Mummy 5
Dear Mummy,
He made me cry today, I think for the first time since we knew each other. I have cried before because of him, but mainly because I miss him too much or he ignored all my whispers in WoW, but today i cried because he hurt me, and I don’t like it Mum. I don’t like people having the power to hurt me like that when they hold my heart in their hand. It is too painful, and you are not here to hug the pain away.
It was just a stupid joke; I know that but it being a joke did not take the sting of the hurt from that statement. I love him Mum, so much, but today reminded me how much those you love have the power to hurt you. I need you Mummy, I need you to tell me it is alright, I need you to hug me, I just need you! Abang is already asking why I am crying, I can’t tell him Mum, you know how defensive he gets about me.
Well Mummy, as usual I don’t have the computer time to actually write you a long letter, so I guess that is it for now. I miss you so much!
Along
He made me cry today, I think for the first time since we knew each other. I have cried before because of him, but mainly because I miss him too much or he ignored all my whispers in WoW, but today i cried because he hurt me, and I don’t like it Mum. I don’t like people having the power to hurt me like that when they hold my heart in their hand. It is too painful, and you are not here to hug the pain away.
It was just a stupid joke; I know that but it being a joke did not take the sting of the hurt from that statement. I love him Mum, so much, but today reminded me how much those you love have the power to hurt you. I need you Mummy, I need you to tell me it is alright, I need you to hug me, I just need you! Abang is already asking why I am crying, I can’t tell him Mum, you know how defensive he gets about me.
Well Mummy, as usual I don’t have the computer time to actually write you a long letter, so I guess that is it for now. I miss you so much!
Along
Friday, March 18, 2011
My Prayer
once upon a lonely night
i whispered a desperate plea
to the constant best friend
in my life,
Lord,
i said,
know that i am grateful
for all You have given me
and i accept everything
with the grace You have bestowed,
but,
would it be too much
to ask for a companion
to accompany me on this hard
lonely road you have set me,
someone wise
so he can guide me
someone with humour
so he can laugh with me and make me laugh
someone kind
so he’ll be gentle with my capricious mood
someone with the strength of heart
so he can take all the blows we’ll face
and Lord,
if it is not too much
can he sing too?
Well now after another lonely night,
all i can say Lord,
thank you, Alhamdulillah,
my lonely nights are because of missing
that someone You sent,
my prayers You answered so spectacularly,
but the singing was too much to ask, eh?
rya
18 March 2011
7.25 a.m.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Who?
there are times like now
when things are coming at me
too fast
everything is hurling its way
onto a collision course
with my troubled mind
I just need to
hear you say
I got you
don’t worry
I got your back
who do I depend on
now
Mum?
rya
15 March 2011
12.54 a.m.
when things are coming at me
too fast
everything is hurling its way
onto a collision course
with my troubled mind
I just need to
hear you say
I got you
don’t worry
I got your back
who do I depend on
now
Mum?
rya
15 March 2011
12.54 a.m.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Whispers
Each night as the moon shines on,
ushering dreamers on their journey
to dreamland,
I whispered to the breeze
to sent my longing to you,
not even the sweetest dream
could assuage my love starved heart,
however bright the moon shines
it couldn't light the darkness
in me
alone without you,
so as the wind blows on its journey,
on a wing of a prayer
I sent my love to you,
in hope that soon
the moon would be shining for us
at the same time in the same place
while we dream the same dream!
rya
13 March 2011
1.45 a.m.
ushering dreamers on their journey
to dreamland,
I whispered to the breeze
to sent my longing to you,
not even the sweetest dream
could assuage my love starved heart,
however bright the moon shines
it couldn't light the darkness
in me
alone without you,
so as the wind blows on its journey,
on a wing of a prayer
I sent my love to you,
in hope that soon
the moon would be shining for us
at the same time in the same place
while we dream the same dream!
rya
13 March 2011
1.45 a.m.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Letters to Mummy 4
Dear Mummy,
I don’t know Mummy how healthy is it for me to write to you. I know I am basically writing to the ether, and I don’t know if this is what Phil would call my not accepting that you are gone and still wanting you to be here. But Mummy I don’t know why, I find from time to time I have this need to talk to you, I tried writing down what I am thinking but I couldn’t , it only work when I write to you, like if I can’t talk to you writing to you is the next best thing. I don’t know how things work your end, how it is like, I know there’s literature covering afterlife but let’s face it no one knows for sure, and those who knows can’t come back to tell us about it. I am just hoping somehow this would get to you because Mom, no one listens as well as you. I have been missing you so much, you were always there when I am hurt, you never ask, except be there for me, and understanding me, and lately I seem to be too sensitive and get hurt more often than usual. I am also too snappish, there’s an underlying anger that seem to simmer and I am afraid when it does blow up I’d do terrible damage. Mummy you know how unstable my emotion could get, before I could always rely on you to hold me back or reel me in, but who is going to do that now, Dad have very little patient with my ups and downs, Adik has her own ups and downs to deal with and Abang is too young, I know I have Phil, but he is so far away and at times too tired or too engrossed in WoW to actually noticed that I am at the brink of emotional disaster. Dad said he lost his anchor when he lost you, I not only lost an anchor Mom, I lost my stabilizer, my sympathizer and my haven. Who do I go to now when I feel so lost and unsure? Who will make sure that I always come home when I wonder too far in my mind? Who is going to threaten me with a long bamboo so that I’d behave when I go too far? This couple of days I have never felt so alone, Mummy, I tried reaching out, to Phil, to the family, but no one noticed, you wouldn’t have missed my call for help Mom, I wouldn’t have to call even, you’d immediately know and be there for me. I am tired of crying mummy, I want to be able to smile again and I want not to be too sensitive that stupid stuffs hurt me. Basically I want to be happy again Mom, I know I promised to let you go, to let you rest, but Mummy it is so hard. You were everything to me, and now that you are gone I am like kite with no string, flying endlessly nowhere with no direction, no ties, just blowing with the wind waiting to crash down to earth, broken.
I miss you Mummy!
Along
I don’t know Mummy how healthy is it for me to write to you. I know I am basically writing to the ether, and I don’t know if this is what Phil would call my not accepting that you are gone and still wanting you to be here. But Mummy I don’t know why, I find from time to time I have this need to talk to you, I tried writing down what I am thinking but I couldn’t , it only work when I write to you, like if I can’t talk to you writing to you is the next best thing. I don’t know how things work your end, how it is like, I know there’s literature covering afterlife but let’s face it no one knows for sure, and those who knows can’t come back to tell us about it. I am just hoping somehow this would get to you because Mom, no one listens as well as you. I have been missing you so much, you were always there when I am hurt, you never ask, except be there for me, and understanding me, and lately I seem to be too sensitive and get hurt more often than usual. I am also too snappish, there’s an underlying anger that seem to simmer and I am afraid when it does blow up I’d do terrible damage. Mummy you know how unstable my emotion could get, before I could always rely on you to hold me back or reel me in, but who is going to do that now, Dad have very little patient with my ups and downs, Adik has her own ups and downs to deal with and Abang is too young, I know I have Phil, but he is so far away and at times too tired or too engrossed in WoW to actually noticed that I am at the brink of emotional disaster. Dad said he lost his anchor when he lost you, I not only lost an anchor Mom, I lost my stabilizer, my sympathizer and my haven. Who do I go to now when I feel so lost and unsure? Who will make sure that I always come home when I wonder too far in my mind? Who is going to threaten me with a long bamboo so that I’d behave when I go too far? This couple of days I have never felt so alone, Mummy, I tried reaching out, to Phil, to the family, but no one noticed, you wouldn’t have missed my call for help Mom, I wouldn’t have to call even, you’d immediately know and be there for me. I am tired of crying mummy, I want to be able to smile again and I want not to be too sensitive that stupid stuffs hurt me. Basically I want to be happy again Mom, I know I promised to let you go, to let you rest, but Mummy it is so hard. You were everything to me, and now that you are gone I am like kite with no string, flying endlessly nowhere with no direction, no ties, just blowing with the wind waiting to crash down to earth, broken.
I miss you Mummy!
Along
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