Perception

Phil said something yesterday about people's perception of me and we argued about it with him getting upset by what he thinks of me putting myself down and going on a pity party. I  don't think I convinced him, he has a skewed perception and believe in me more than I do myself. But I  have heard so many described me as quiet, not very friendly at best and aloof, arrogant and the malay word sombong at worst. Dad usually explain it away as my reluctance to connect with people because I have been hurt too many times by false friendships etc.

Actually I don't really know the whys and hows, all I know is that I  don't really know how to approach people I don't know. When I told Phil I have never made friends with people, all the friends I have were initiated by them and they were the ones who decided to stick around me till I  am comfortable enough to talk to them. But one thing I can say is once they become my friends they do stick with me for a long time. I don't make friends but I keep them.

Phil said the defences I built that create an impression of a cold arrogant person is good at keeping me safe but it also keeps me from making meaningful connection with people. Well hun I really don't know how to be any different, this came from a long psychological drama of a very difficult emotional experience. To untangle and unravel it I would need help and guidance. Anyway been a long time since I blogged, sorry it's just a long rant.

Writing Quirks and Grand Gesture vs Daily Tokens of Affection

I have wanted to write stuff for so long, so many ideas churned in my brain aching to get out, but I couldn’t make myself write it. As always the ideas flew God knows where after a while. I wish I am not so temperamental, everything I do has to be connected to my emotion, I could never do anything if I am not in the mood to do it, well let me qualify, I could never do anything creative or good if I am not in the mood for it. I guess that is why my writings are intermittent and not consistent. I go through months sometimes years before I can make myself write, I don’t craft, I wait for inspiration and for that inspiration to be paired with the mood to write it up. It is a good thing then that I teach for a living and writing is only something I do for healing my soul. I would starve by the way I go about writing if I depend on it for my food.

Well enough whining, let see if I can still dig through the remnants of idea in my brain. One of the things that have been nagging at me is grand gesture versus everyday little tokens of affection, which has more impact and means more to a person. When I was going to Malta in November 2017, sis joked that I have never brought her anywhere overseas and she had brought me to Los Angeles. I knew it was a joke, but it kind of stung a little, it has been Phil and my intention to bring the family somewhere, possibly Malta, but financial circumstances has not allowed our intentions to come true yet. And then I also felt the unfairness of that statement, I might have not brought Adik overseas, but I have brought her on holiday before, and I drive her everywhere she needed to go ever since I had my licence when I was 19, that makes it about 23 years of bringing her around, surely that would compare to one trip to LA? Well I know honestly Adik feels the same way, but it is easier to remember the grand trip to LA as opposed to countless time of me driving her to hospital appointments or classes.

And then when I was in Malta, Phil reminded me that ordinary everyday gesture to show affection can also have a big impact, especially when we are always apart and it is very hard to show we care by doing normal things for each other often. I mentioned in passing that my moisturiser is nearly finished and I didn’t have the time and money to get it before flying to Malta. I didn’t even think Phil heard me, but the next day when he goes to buy milk at the hotel’s Deli he also bought me the moisturiser of the brand I used, and casually said, “I saw this at the Deli and remember you needed it.“ That touched me so deep and then it clicked the difference of the impact. My daily tokens of affection that I do for my family is appreciated but taken for granted, because I do it every day and the impact has lessen and from time to time I should try a grand gesture so they will know I love them. I always try a little more with Phil, thinking of things to do for his birthdays because I have no way of showing him daily affectionate stuff because we are so far apart, when I should concentrate on the time I actually have with him and every second we have with each other actually matters.

I guess what I am trying to say both grand gestures and daily tokens of affection are the same and most probably needed as long as it shows how much we love each other. And that is why when I made mugs for Phil’s birthday this year and dad asked, “Where’s mine?” I had to make three more birthday mugs for Dad, Adik and Abang. Grand gesture for the win!