Daddy,
today you turn 70, yeah you made it. A few weeks back, while feeling really weak and sick you asked me if you'd reach 70. I said yes of course you would, you still have so many things to do, ladies to tackle, boundless 'children' to take care of etc.
I have already written you a tribute sort of earlier this month, so I don't really know what to add. Some more Adik has already written a long moving tribute to you and now I ran out of new things to say.
Just know that you are still my superman, best friend, counselor, doctor Daddy. I love you, happy birthday.
Friday, May 20, 2016
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Writing Poems
I have been writing poems since I was a child. Reading them just as long. Recently I have compiled some of my poems that I have not lost and put it in one file. I debated whether to self-publish it on Kindle and let it go or trying to find someone to publish it. The first hurdle is to whom do I send it too. Trying to find addresses for publishers in Malaysia is quite hard. I tried one that I know the address to. After quite a while a letter of rejection came with an analysis that my poem are too raw, personal and not poetic enough therefore not viable to be marketed. So yeah, was prepared for that, art has always been a matter of perception, so I was ok with it, didn't really want to send it there because I don't think they would know how to appreciate or even want to court poets writing in English.
Then I tried sending to a couple that replied my email asking about who I can send my manuscript to. One wrote an unequivocal no we don't publish poetry and the other have not replied, not even an acknowledgement of receipt.
I am tempted to just leave it like I have been doing all this while. I don't need it published. The reason I write is because I have to, it is a compulsion and it helps me in stabilising myself. But it is a shame to have done all the work of nicely collecting it not to try to share with a wider set of audience. Someone once told me that reading my poems evoked strong emotion in her. That I have just the right expression that says what she wanted to say about a particular situation. Well to me personally that is what a poem should do, connect to you in such a way that what is personal to the poet become also something personal in you. So I guess I wanted to see if more people feel that way about what I write as well.
No matter I guess Of Thunders and Rainbows will just be in my personal narrative, for me to read when I need to remember.
Then I tried sending to a couple that replied my email asking about who I can send my manuscript to. One wrote an unequivocal no we don't publish poetry and the other have not replied, not even an acknowledgement of receipt.
I am tempted to just leave it like I have been doing all this while. I don't need it published. The reason I write is because I have to, it is a compulsion and it helps me in stabilising myself. But it is a shame to have done all the work of nicely collecting it not to try to share with a wider set of audience. Someone once told me that reading my poems evoked strong emotion in her. That I have just the right expression that says what she wanted to say about a particular situation. Well to me personally that is what a poem should do, connect to you in such a way that what is personal to the poet become also something personal in you. So I guess I wanted to see if more people feel that way about what I write as well.
No matter I guess Of Thunders and Rainbows will just be in my personal narrative, for me to read when I need to remember.
Friday, May 6, 2016
#mymothersaid
This morning as I was driving to work and listening to Mix FM as usual, they were talking about in honour of Mother's Day their hashtag Friday would be #mymothersaid. This made me cry cause I miss Mummy so much and wish she is still around to say stuff to me. It is sad trying to recall things that she had said to me and realize I can't remember much. Mummy was the kind of mother that listen more and always there to give you a hug if you need it, she doesn't say much, well at least to me, I know she and adik talked a lot more than I did with her.
The only thing that really comes to me is what she said when I was crying for some reason or other. She always with irritation in her voice told me "Along, stop crying like you mother just died." It never manage to make me stop but I can still hear her saying it every time I cry now, which is often, and every time I recall it, I just said Mum now I can cry all I want cause you died and how I wish I don't know the agony of losing you.
It is funny that is the only thing that really stuck in my mind. I know Mum told me many things, wise things, things I should remember, but my brain is keeping it somewhere out of reach for now.
Well what is important is that I think I have absorbed what she had wanted me to know and how I live my life makes her proud. I miss you so much Mummy, Happy Mother's Day.
Monday, May 2, 2016
Daddy
I have called him Daddy since I could speak. And now when I am grown I shortened it to Da or D. When I was growing up he was daddy and abang Yassin to many, and before that cikgu Yassin to his students, and now he is Ayah to many more people.
According to Phil, dad is a great charismatic man, someone he would like to be like, and no surprise so many look up to dad. And it is not just respect he engenders, but love, to all these people he is really a father to all of them.
To me he is just my dad, my Superman when I was young, my best friend when I grew up. He annoys me from time to time, we had a volatile relationship when I was a teenager. Most probably because we're too much alike, both having really explosive temper, and both a particular perfectionist. Now we have a sort of understanding not to touch each other's sore spot, and exist on an agreed unspoken truce. So I look on to all these adorers with awe and amusement really, wondering why, my dad of all people.
Why I love him is not surprising, he is after all a great dad. But he is just my dad, very wise and kind, yet still in my eyes he is a normal human being with flaws. But all my life, I have encountered people who when they knew who my dad is have this kind of dazed look of wonder. Still amuse me to no end.
A group of his adoring 'children' is collecting poems to dedicate their admiration to dad, and dad asked us if we want to join in. I just said, Da I write in English, I don't think my poem can fit in. So yeah, I am writing this instead on my blog. Though I rarely write poems on command or a theme, I am an inspiration kind of poet, I will try here and see if we have anything to go by.
When I was born Mummy apologized for me being a girl and not a boy she wanted to give you
But you said it is alright and proceeded to measure all the other babies' foreheads because according to you mine was huge.
From the beginning you brought me everywhere
Even when you were fishing
there I was all red face
being in the sun too long.
Our favourite thing to do is walk around the kampung
with you holding me by my feet
and me dangling upside down
squealing with delight.
When adik came along
She wanted you all to herself
Even Mummy was pinched for holding your hand,
But you were still there for me
Whenever I need of you.
We have had times when
we didn't see eye to eye
voices were raised
tables were flipped
glasses were flung
but not once did I doubt your love
and that I will have it still
no matter what I do.
In my life, what you say is sacred
it would come true
and I would suffer consequences
if I don't heed it
not by you but by the hands of fate itself.
So I appreciate how now
in my situation, how careful
you are with what you say
even though I know you are wanting to tell me what you think
But because you love me
you let me navigate my own way
and trust me enough to know
what I want in my life.
I don't have Mummy any more to wish happy mother's day,
So in this month of May,
A mother's month, your birthday month too,
I write this Daddy to say I love you.
According to Phil, dad is a great charismatic man, someone he would like to be like, and no surprise so many look up to dad. And it is not just respect he engenders, but love, to all these people he is really a father to all of them.
To me he is just my dad, my Superman when I was young, my best friend when I grew up. He annoys me from time to time, we had a volatile relationship when I was a teenager. Most probably because we're too much alike, both having really explosive temper, and both a particular perfectionist. Now we have a sort of understanding not to touch each other's sore spot, and exist on an agreed unspoken truce. So I look on to all these adorers with awe and amusement really, wondering why, my dad of all people.
Why I love him is not surprising, he is after all a great dad. But he is just my dad, very wise and kind, yet still in my eyes he is a normal human being with flaws. But all my life, I have encountered people who when they knew who my dad is have this kind of dazed look of wonder. Still amuse me to no end.
A group of his adoring 'children' is collecting poems to dedicate their admiration to dad, and dad asked us if we want to join in. I just said, Da I write in English, I don't think my poem can fit in. So yeah, I am writing this instead on my blog. Though I rarely write poems on command or a theme, I am an inspiration kind of poet, I will try here and see if we have anything to go by.
Daddy
But you said it is alright and proceeded to measure all the other babies' foreheads because according to you mine was huge.
From the beginning you brought me everywhere
Even when you were fishing
there I was all red face
being in the sun too long.
Our favourite thing to do is walk around the kampung
with you holding me by my feet
and me dangling upside down
squealing with delight.
When adik came along
She wanted you all to herself
Even Mummy was pinched for holding your hand,
But you were still there for me
Whenever I need of you.
We have had times when
we didn't see eye to eye
voices were raised
tables were flipped
glasses were flung
but not once did I doubt your love
and that I will have it still
no matter what I do.
In my life, what you say is sacred
it would come true
and I would suffer consequences
if I don't heed it
not by you but by the hands of fate itself.
So I appreciate how now
in my situation, how careful
you are with what you say
even though I know you are wanting to tell me what you think
But because you love me
you let me navigate my own way
and trust me enough to know
what I want in my life.
I don't have Mummy any more to wish happy mother's day,
So in this month of May,
A mother's month, your birthday month too,
I write this Daddy to say I love you.
rya
2/5/16
6.38 pm
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