The Two Chains

The story of my two necklaces. I haven't worn a necklace for quite a long time. My last necklace was given to me with a key locket by dad when I turn 21. Not long after we had to pawn it for what I can't recall. Since then I never wear a gold chain again. Maybe once in a while I will put on a costume jewellery necklace but never another gold chain. When I started seeing Phil, I asked him about the gold chain that he wears. He told me when he was fourteen, it was very popular for guys to wear chains. He worked and saved up to get him a chain. Of course the one he wore is his third or fourth chain, but it has become a symbol of his ability to earn for himself anything that he wants, his independence. When we started to go to and fro each other's country and I started missing him badly I kept hinting that I would love to wear his chain so I could have him near me. For years, it became a sort of a joke between us, and he kept saying the chain is a part of him and the only way it will leave him is when he dies and he promised he will leave it to me in his will.

The last time I was visiting him, feeling very vulnerable about leaving him yet again, I timidly told him that I kept asking for his chain and I didn't even know if it would fit me. He was like kind of exasperated and went on to take it off and put it around my neck and proceed to say, take this as a loan, and as a token of my promise that I will come for it and for you. He never gave me an engagement ring as such, and I don't need it but that gesture meant a lot to me. Having it  helped me through the worst period of my life. I kept holding on to the promise of when it was given and that faith kept my sanity intact.

When I got home, dad saw my chain and asked about it. I told him the story, and little did I know, he was thinking of my old chain. A few weeks later at a poetry event in Kuala Kubu Bharu dad handed me a chain. He didn't say anything just tell me to wear it. I asked him, wear two chains? He said what's wrong? So after years of not wearing any chain, I now wear two chains given by two men that I love and love me.

The Story of Us

I miss him so much. He told me I over think stuff. I told him my paranoid voices get really loud when he doesn't distract me enough. Now he is keeping silent most probably trying to heal in private like he always does and I need a distraction before I get out of control when all my voices get too loud. I will try to recall our journey so far.

Near seven years ago, while I was struggling to start my thesis, getting hit by one of my worst depression, I found a game with a very strong sense of community. Knighthood, it was a fascinating game of war, but the people playing it was far more fascinating. I was finding my way through it, doing what I do best writing about my experience in the forum. Little did I know, that one interaction with an interesting viscount would lead me to my best friend, soul mate and the love of my life.

I was a veteran of cyber communication from IRC to Yahoo messenger. I am not new to guys on there. So when Phil ask to talk on either Skype ( which I don't have at the time) or Yahoo messenger I was wary. But throughout he was a perfect gentleman, and soon we were talking daily and became very good friends. I soon had Skype because it was way easier to talk there and Phil became a constant in my life. He kept me sane when my world was falling apart. I was failing in my PhD thesis, and losing my grips on my depression.

We had a lot of fun playing together, but sadly the game ended, and I was losing Phil to WoW, he would not talk with me for days while playing it. This was when I found out that we have quite a strong bond. On days we don't talk I got very distraught, one day I cried in front of the pc, calling out to him. The next day, the first thing he asked, was if I was alright. It seems he dreamt of a long hair brunette girl crying out to him. He made sure his sisters were ok and now he is making sure I am alright as well. I didn't tell him then, that maybe in my despair I somehow connected but that was a clue how much he meant to me. At about the same time, Phil was making arrangements to come see me during his holiday. I was so looking forward to it and really scared too.

When he came, from the moment he landed, we clicked. There was no awkwardness, we were best friends, like we have known each other for years. But there was this instant where our eyes meet, that gave me an inkling that there was more, it was the moment I understood what they meant when they say the universe aligned. I actually heard bells ringing and see fireworks going off in my mind's eye at that fleeting moment our eyes met.

We had a blast that three days in Kuala Lumpur. We learnt we could speak just with our eyes and that we get along really well. So when he went back and disappeared from Skype for a day I was devastated. But the moment he came back on and said he felt strongly for me and ask if I felt the same. That was on 15 February 2010 and I can say with confidence that I still feel as strongly maybe more as I told him I felt that day.

Then years start to pass, he met my family, I met his. We planned to get married but problems kept creeping out. I patiently waited because I didn't want to push him too hard, he said I didn't push hard enough. There even came a day when he wanted for us to part for my benefit he says. I fought back hard, and I made him realize I am in this for life.

Last February was the closest we came to actually getting married but yet again something was in the way. He missed his flight and got hit by exhaustion and depression and couldn't come. It was the worst heartbreaking moment of my life. I am still recovering, but I still have faith in us. I love him still, forever and always.