Last week amidst our normal rambling conversation, Phil
threw me a curve ball of a question, which caused me to fluster out an answer
for the moment, but as usual has been stewing in my head, turning it around and
around, and frustratingly when I finally think I have a good answer, he is not
online for me to tell him, so I guess I have to write it out and get him to
read this blog post later. Below is an excerpt from our Skype conversation:-
[11/11/2012 4:59:15
PM] Phil McQuinn: what do you want yasleh?
[11/11/2012 4:59:21 PM] Phil McQuinn: who do you want to be?
[11/11/2012 5:00:16 PM] Phil McQuinn: cos you know ayu thats
something I never heard you ever tell me#
[11/11/2012 5:00:41 PM] Phil McQuinn: you never tell me your
dreams
[11/11/2012 5:02:44
PM] Yasleh Rita Ayu Mat Yassin: i never? Well my dream sound silly and weak, it
is nothing grand, coz all I ever wanted was to belong, be loved and be happy,
the end
I have never really been able to answer those kinds of
questions, my first instinct is to ask back, what do you want, I’ll follow. I
do not know whether it is really me or it was ingrained in me, but I have never
really been comfortable in letting people know what I want, it has always been
easier to go along with what people want me to do.
Well I had my moments of selfishness and times when I insist
I get my way, but most of the time when I do so, the result is never encouraging;
sometime I even get myself into a pickle. I guess that made me very cautious
and tend to heed people who I hold in esteemed telling me the best course I
should take in this journey of mine.
If I want to be whimsical, I could say I want to sing, not a
singer per se with albums and stuffs, just be able to sing and have people
hear. It is a dream of mine to be able to sing a duet with Cliff Richard, but I
am practical enough to know that is a dream that has a very slim chance of me
achieving. Another thing, if I want to be honest, I am not that good a singer,
I can carry a tune I guess, and mostly it is pleasant to hear, but I don’t have
a voice that people would call god-given to sing. So even though I made dad
allowed me to go audition for a few talent seeking show, and made my family
crazy with my constant singing, deep down in my heart I know I would never go
anywhere with this dream, so it is just that a nice daydream to while away time
when I am bored.
When I went to university, dad wrote this poem for me (it is
in Malay, I’ll try to translate below it).
Along, Truth Is Supreme,
hari ini along memulakan
langkah mimpi daddy dan mummy
yang tertangguh
di persimpangan waktu
sekian lama, bagaikan
kembara tersula senja.
Taulah nak,
langkahmu ini
adalah
lanjutan
dari kembara zaman-berzaman
melalui sungai cita-cita
nenek moyangmu yang bermula
dari benua utara shah bana alam
mengarak panji-panji
kebenaran dan kepimpinan.
Selamatlah kembara ilmu ini
hendaknya mengiringmu dalam
mencari
kesempurnaan
keimanan
dan kemanusiaan.
love Daddy,
2.35 pagi,
26.6.94,
Seri Gombak.
(Forgive me, the translation is going to be quite loose, and
most probably will lose the beauty of its imagery in Malay)
Along, Truth Is Supreme.
today you will start on a journey
of daddy’s and mummy’s
dream postponed at the crossroad of time,
so long, a journey stopped by the coming of dusk.
Know that my daughter,
the steps you are taking
is a continuation
of centuries of journey
through the river of ambition
of your ancestors that started
from the northern continent of this earth,
carrying the banners of truth and leadership.
I hope you’ll be safe in this academic journey of yours
as you search for
perfection
faith
and humanity.
love Daddy,
2.35 a.m.,
26.6.94,
Seri Gombak.
When I read that poem written on the front page of a poem
anthology, I cried. I was touched at the same time scared of the burden of centuries
worth of dreams and aspiration. I have tried as best as I can to carry on the
banner that was passed to me, and I have faltered so many times, but I guess I
am walking it still and trying hard not to disappoint. This is also a reason it
is hard for me to answer the questions Phil asked, because it is very hard to
separate this combined dreams apart from my own dream.
But in essence I think the answer I shot out in instinct
when Phil ask, is the best I could describe of what I want in life, I want to
belong, be loved and be happy.
