Has it been 2 years? :)

“I have died everyday waiting for you/ darlin' don't be afraid / I have loved you for a thousand years / I'll love you for a thousand more,” sang Christina Perri in the chorus of her song A Thousand Years. That first line described how I felt most of the time when I am apart from Phil. It has been almost 3 years since he said hi to me on Knighthood forum and 2 years exactly since we are in a relationship, and we spend most of it a thousand miles apart, and those miles seems to translate to time, a day feels much longer when we are not together and it goes so much faster when we are. Whenever he comes over for two weeks, times seem to flash by so quickly but when I was waiting to go and visit him two weeks seems to be forever.

I don’t know how I endured it actually, because it feels like I died every time I miss him, the only pain I could compare to is missing my late Mum, but even there, there is a difference, because missing my mom is infinite now, I know I can’t have her back in this lifetime, but because I know I would and could see him sometime, somehow that makes the hurt all worse when I am not. Technology helps of course, being able to text and Skype him ease the pain somewhat but because it is our only mean of connection it hurts worse when life interrupts and we can’t even have our virtual time together. I guess if I get to see him in the flesh every other day I don’t get so hurt when he is online and won’t chat with me because he prefers to watch tv or something. If we were together I won’t mind him doing other things because I can see him and able still to be connected to him, but when you wait online all day alone and then you see him gets online and he tells you ‘hmm I don’t feel like talking today, I am gonna watch a dvd or maybe play a game or something, catch you later,’ the disappointment that comes over is crushing like a lifeline being cut and you are apart again a thousand miles away. When we first started, we knew this long-distance relationship was going to be hard and unfair to both of us, but we both felt too strongly about each other that we were willing to try and I guess so far we work hard at making it work and for two years now it is working not without bumps of course but we seem to be able to jump the hurdles together.



I made a video of our pictures together and made a poem to go with it as an anniversary gift and at the end I said, ‘Happy second anniversary Phil, and hopefully the next one will be a First,’ hoping we finally get it together and get married so that we could be together in the same continent, same time zone etc and no longer miles apart and I don’t have to die every day, waiting!

*I saw this on my Facebook wall posted by one of my favourite lecturer:

Malachi Edwin Vethamani
The night before Valentine's Day, a poem by Vikram Seth entitled 'All you who sleep tonight' for us :

All you who sleep tonight
Far from the ones you love,
No hand to left or right,
And emptiness above -

Know that you aren't alone.
The whole world shares your tears,
Some for two nights or one,
And some for all their lives.

That touched me a whole lot and somehow makes me feel not so alone. Thanks Prof.

Happy 35th Phil

You ask me once if I know what I need you to be,
I don’t really know what to say,
not that I don’t know
but I think I have told you
here and there and everywhere
but I guess it got lost in the illusory wings
of our virtual communication.



But I know you know
I need you as my friend
who will be there for me no matter what,
I need you as my guide
as I try to make my way in this confusion I called a life,
I need you to be my hand holder
as I jump into the unknown,
I need you to be my strength,
whenever my own seems to falter,



actually I need you to be so many things
it is going to be too long for me to list,
but it is safe to say I need you in my life
for now, forever and always!
Happy birthday darling,
may it not be too horrible for you,
I love you!

rya, Jan 27,2012, 4.55 pm