Letters to Mummy 9

Dear Mummy,
It has been a long time since I wrote you. It is not because I have forgotten, or I have nothing to say, but I have been wrapped up in a whole lot of misery and I didn’t want to dump it on you. I am a bit happier nowadays; I am getting what I have been praying for, I get to see Phil before next year. I am going to try to see if I could stand wintering in Kendal and being on my own mostly because it is Phil’s busiest time of the year. Phil is worried that I’ll be bored and miserable, what he left mostly unsaid is he is worried that this experience would make me think the sacrifice is too much. He ask me once how can I think of leaving my family behind to live with him in a strange land full of strangers. I don’t know Mum; I wish I have you here with me to talk things through. I once told Phil I am not afraid, I trust him, and he says I sound real young. Well let me clarify, I am not afraid to marry him because I trust him with my life and I know no matter what he wouldn’t hurt me intentionally. I am afraid of taking this big leap, of adjusting to a whole new life in a new place away from my anchor – my family – and I have been thinking a lot about it and I am not naïve enough to think everything will be all peaches just because I am in love. But it is exactly because I am in love I am willing to undertake this albeit with open eyes not blind to the challenges ahead.

Dad has been my strongest support, you know that Mum, however unwilling he is to pick me up when I fall, he has been there for me for every spills and mistakes. He has done all he can to make sure I stay all right and that I get everything that I want. I don’t know how I’d survive without him near me, but he raise me well enough I know I could grow without him, but it will be really hard. The funny thing is Dad and Phil is so much alike, but Phil already told me he can’t take Dad’s place, and I said of course not, though it is a comfort sometimes when I see him react exactly like Dad. It is like having something the same in different context, I don’t know if that make sense, Mum, (oh what I’d give to hear you say, I know).

I don’t know how Adik is going to handle this; I wish you are with her to help her go through this. You remember of course how when we were kids we were the worst of enemy when we were together but separate us and we’d be miserable. She had a miserable time when I went for two weeks, and she is already kissing me obsessively every hour of the day when I am sleeping or napping, saving up for my month away I guess. We’ll stay in touch of course, but I guess it is not the same.

Then there’s Abang, what more can I say Mum. You know he has not left my side since he was that clingy, needy baby. He has grown up Mum, if you could only see, but there’ll be moments when he reverts to that kid who needs me all the time and I’d think how could I leave him, he’s already lost you. But then again, if Allah is kind, he’d give us a chance to see each other often I hope, boy has some schooling left to do, and since his school is making him take ICGSE instead of SPM, maybe he can do his further studies in UK. Hopefully.

I guess that is it Mum, I know it is a jumble, but that is what have been on my mind, getting ready to leave for one month has me thinking of me leaving for so much longer. If dad is my safety, you were my comfort Mum, always making me feel that everything would turn out right somehow, I miss you Mummy.

Love,
Along

A Year Without Mum

Dad was complaining to sis that I must be going cuckoo because I was playing with my hair again. Hmm the thing is he is not far off, I am trying to stop thinking and remembering today. It is exactly a year since Mummy went to her final resting place, a really lonely and painful year for me and the rest of the family. I don’t want to remember how I had to suck blood out of Mum’s mouth every half an hour, and how her blood pressure kept dropping and dropping, and I don’t want to remember what I whispered to her in the end. It hurts too much. Even when I was preparing the bunga rampai today, slicing the pandan leaves and rose petals, I intentionally put music on and made myself sing along, I didn’t want to prepare the gift for Mum with tears, I want her to receive happiness not grief.

I don’t know how long a person grieves anyway, I think I haven’t skipped any steps, but it still hurts, is it always going to hurt this way. I wish I could have a chat with Phil, he usually says stuff that makes me feel better, but he is paying for our indulgent 10 hours chat the other day, he is really tired, barely could even say hi to me today. Well that’s about it. I am too sad to write. Al-fatihah, Mummy.