My Visit Part 1

It finally happened, I get to visit Phil instead of him visiting me. (Now that I have been through the long flight and transit, I apologize hun, it was horrid, and you went through that three times, ouch!) It was an experience, first time I travel alone, all my life I have been sheltered, even when I was in boarding school I only had to take the bus alone from kl once, mostly dad picked me up for the holidays. When I am not so tired I might write the things I had observed and experienced on the flight, but let's just say, it wrecked me inside out.

Throughout the plane ride to UK I was nervous with anticipation and impatient for it to end. By the time I arrived I was a bundle of nerves, and too tired to actually enjoy it fully. But what I can say I was inspired when looking out of the plane's window I saw a blanket of thick clouds that at times looks like a vast ocean and at other times seems like a beautiful valley, and once we descended and got past the cloud my first sight of Manchester was beautiful, it is so green, what came into my mind, and the tiny little houses were adorable. But then the long wait for the passport check and the longer search for my bag, I was ready to faint, countless of times of staring at the carousel for my bag after a glimpse of it while I was getting to the carousel, but then it never came out again, I think after about half an hour of inspecting each bag even though it is of different style and colour than mine, I finally thought to checked out the bags that I saw someone had lined up nicely on the other side of the carousel, and straight away I saw it and saying to myself how stupid can I get. Well that was why by the time I saw Phil with a bouquet of flowers, though I registered it and thought it was damn sweet (btw hun that was the first time anyone gave me flowers), I barely could thank him because I was holding on to him for dear life afraid my dizziness would turn into a faint, which would have been embarrassing.

Well I guess that is about it for now, will be writing when I have the chance, thought I get this down while it is still fresh, have fun everyone, I surely aim to. :)

Goodbye Knighthood. ;(

(One of my favorite avatar on KH)


Hmm, I started the day quite fresh, happy and was sleepily watching American Idol. Then I had to go out to pay bills and nearly was hit by another car as I was making my way out of my housing area, shook me to the core, one more day before I make my way to see Phil and his family and I nearly died.

I have been having mix feelings about tomorrow, I am supremely excited to go a bit nervous of course but at the same time the game that is the major reason why I am going tomorrow is ending its run. Knighthood helped me at the time I needed it most and then introduced me to the love of my life and brought so many interesting and kind people to the sphere of my existence and to think it is going to end without me ever taking my Marquise to war is real sad. Only people who have played Knighthood would know what a huge impact that game has had on our lives. I still remember the thrill of attacking and seizing every time I hear Lady Gaga’s Poker Face, because that was one of the songs I listened to when warring, I was glad I had the chance to war on Chivalry and KH MySpace, and as I said my biggest regret was not warring with the original KH, but by the time I knew enough to war I was too scared to go, a personal phobia that I am very sad I can’t overcome now that it is ending.

I don’t think I would ever have the sense of fun and camaraderie and intense competition that I have had playing Knighthood. I shall miss it and shall ever be grateful for its existence because my chance encounter of playing it helped me through the worse depression I have yet to face and then as a bonus it threw in a Knight to share my journey in life. So I guess thanks for all the good times and memories. Goodbye!

Letters to Mummy 7

Dear Mummy,

I was going to visit you yesterday, but as usual something happened and stopped me from visiting. I so wanted to go, I guess it is kind of silly to actually think I need to be at your grave physically to tell you of my upcoming visit to Phil. I know I could just whisper it and you’ll hear no matter where I am, but I haven’t been there for quite a while now, and I miss you Mum. I have been crying a lot lately, when I think of you, so many things are happening in my life that I want you to share, that I need you to know, and it hurts that I couldn’t.

So Mum I just want your blessing and please watch over me on my long journey, I’ll be travelling alone for the first time, and to be honest, though I am excited, I am terrified. I would have done anything in this world to have you calmly telling me that everything will be alright now, I miss you so much!

I’ll try to visit you when I come home. ‘Til then, Alfatihah.

Love,
Along

Get It Right

I was watching Glee because sis was watching it. Little did I know I would listen to a song that strikes a chord in me, the original song Get It Right, touched how I am feeling most of the time now. The chorus:-

What can you do
When your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
Oh how many times will it take
For me to get it right
To get it right

I quoted this to Phil, and he was like, kind of depressing isn’t it? But I guess with how I am most of the time now it aptly describes my feelings. How I wish I could just turn around and fix all my mistakes, and that my best effort would pay, but I don’t have a magic wand, and life does not work that way. Somehow I have to find the strength to go on, and face the consequences of my mistakes, when all my instincts tell me to roll up and cry. But I can’t, so as usual I get up, and try my best to wade through all the muck I have made of my life and I am grateful that I don’t have to do it alone, my loved ones, thank god for them, would be holding out their hand to drag me out of this quagmire. Lord help…

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother’s Day! Though to be honest, that greeting feels kind of hollow to me this year. It also make me sad, because for a couple of years I have been meaning to write about Mum, how above all odds she was the greatest mother to us children, but postponing it year after year because of writer’s block, and now it hurts too much to write it because Mummy won’t be able to read it. I miss her still, and funnily enough though time has tried to do its work, the pain still hurts as much, just that it has become familiar and not in the way anymore. Life is moving on for us of course, nothing stops, and problems are still there to be faced, changes coming to be dealt with but at the back of my mind thoughts, memory and longing lingers. I miss you Mummy, I wished it could have been another year of cakes and flowers but I know you know we love you so much wherever you are now.

Adieu for now, the tears are coming down too heavily to continue. Till next time, have fun!