My Visit Part 1

It finally happened, I get to visit Phil instead of him visiting me. (Now that I have been through the long flight and transit, I apologize hun, it was horrid, and you went through that three times, ouch!) It was an experience, first time I travel alone, all my life I have been sheltered, even when I was in boarding school I only had to take the bus alone from kl once, mostly dad picked me up for the holidays. When I am not so tired I might write the things I had observed and experienced on the flight, but let's just say, it wrecked me inside out.

Throughout the plane ride to UK I was nervous with anticipation and impatient for it to end. By the time I arrived I was a bundle of nerves, and too tired to actually enjoy it fully. But what I can say I was inspired when looking out of the plane's window I saw a blanket of thick clouds that at times looks like a vast ocean and at other times seems like a beautiful valley, and once we descended and got past the cloud my first sight of Manchester was beautiful, it is so green, what came into my mind, and the tiny little houses were adorable. But then the long wait for the passport check and the longer search for my bag, I was ready to faint, countless of times of staring at the carousel for my bag after a glimpse of it while I was getting to the carousel, but then it never came out again, I think after about half an hour of inspecting each bag even though it is of different style and colour than mine, I finally thought to checked out the bags that I saw someone had lined up nicely on the other side of the carousel, and straight away I saw it and saying to myself how stupid can I get. Well that was why by the time I saw Phil with a bouquet of flowers, though I registered it and thought it was damn sweet (btw hun that was the first time anyone gave me flowers), I barely could thank him because I was holding on to him for dear life afraid my dizziness would turn into a faint, which would have been embarrassing.

Well I guess that is about it for now, will be writing when I have the chance, thought I get this down while it is still fresh, have fun everyone, I surely aim to. :)

Goodbye Knighthood. ;(

(One of my favorite avatar on KH)


Hmm, I started the day quite fresh, happy and was sleepily watching American Idol. Then I had to go out to pay bills and nearly was hit by another car as I was making my way out of my housing area, shook me to the core, one more day before I make my way to see Phil and his family and I nearly died.

I have been having mix feelings about tomorrow, I am supremely excited to go a bit nervous of course but at the same time the game that is the major reason why I am going tomorrow is ending its run. Knighthood helped me at the time I needed it most and then introduced me to the love of my life and brought so many interesting and kind people to the sphere of my existence and to think it is going to end without me ever taking my Marquise to war is real sad. Only people who have played Knighthood would know what a huge impact that game has had on our lives. I still remember the thrill of attacking and seizing every time I hear Lady Gaga’s Poker Face, because that was one of the songs I listened to when warring, I was glad I had the chance to war on Chivalry and KH MySpace, and as I said my biggest regret was not warring with the original KH, but by the time I knew enough to war I was too scared to go, a personal phobia that I am very sad I can’t overcome now that it is ending.

I don’t think I would ever have the sense of fun and camaraderie and intense competition that I have had playing Knighthood. I shall miss it and shall ever be grateful for its existence because my chance encounter of playing it helped me through the worse depression I have yet to face and then as a bonus it threw in a Knight to share my journey in life. So I guess thanks for all the good times and memories. Goodbye!

Letters to Mummy 7

Dear Mummy,

I was going to visit you yesterday, but as usual something happened and stopped me from visiting. I so wanted to go, I guess it is kind of silly to actually think I need to be at your grave physically to tell you of my upcoming visit to Phil. I know I could just whisper it and you’ll hear no matter where I am, but I haven’t been there for quite a while now, and I miss you Mum. I have been crying a lot lately, when I think of you, so many things are happening in my life that I want you to share, that I need you to know, and it hurts that I couldn’t.

So Mum I just want your blessing and please watch over me on my long journey, I’ll be travelling alone for the first time, and to be honest, though I am excited, I am terrified. I would have done anything in this world to have you calmly telling me that everything will be alright now, I miss you so much!

I’ll try to visit you when I come home. ‘Til then, Alfatihah.

Love,
Along

Get It Right

I was watching Glee because sis was watching it. Little did I know I would listen to a song that strikes a chord in me, the original song Get It Right, touched how I am feeling most of the time now. The chorus:-

What can you do
When your good isn't good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take
Oh how many times will it take
For me to get it right
To get it right

I quoted this to Phil, and he was like, kind of depressing isn’t it? But I guess with how I am most of the time now it aptly describes my feelings. How I wish I could just turn around and fix all my mistakes, and that my best effort would pay, but I don’t have a magic wand, and life does not work that way. Somehow I have to find the strength to go on, and face the consequences of my mistakes, when all my instincts tell me to roll up and cry. But I can’t, so as usual I get up, and try my best to wade through all the muck I have made of my life and I am grateful that I don’t have to do it alone, my loved ones, thank god for them, would be holding out their hand to drag me out of this quagmire. Lord help…

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother’s Day! Though to be honest, that greeting feels kind of hollow to me this year. It also make me sad, because for a couple of years I have been meaning to write about Mum, how above all odds she was the greatest mother to us children, but postponing it year after year because of writer’s block, and now it hurts too much to write it because Mummy won’t be able to read it. I miss her still, and funnily enough though time has tried to do its work, the pain still hurts as much, just that it has become familiar and not in the way anymore. Life is moving on for us of course, nothing stops, and problems are still there to be faced, changes coming to be dealt with but at the back of my mind thoughts, memory and longing lingers. I miss you Mummy, I wished it could have been another year of cakes and flowers but I know you know we love you so much wherever you are now.

Adieu for now, the tears are coming down too heavily to continue. Till next time, have fun!

Rambling on!

I don’t know why, but I have been super stressed out lately not to mention extremely sad. Phil has been extremely sweet this couple of weeks, and I should be happy, he spend a lot of time making sure he chats with me, I mean really chat, instead of just hi hun, how are doing, I really got to do my chores in wow, catch ya later, we talk and as always he really knows how to make up for those breezy chats. I guess I am antsy about the trip, worrying things would go wrong and I wouldn’t be able to go and couldn’t see him, I am having nightmares about it. I miss him so much, and the constant pain is like my best friend now, a familiar ache that just wouldn’t go away. If anyone would have told me that love hurts this much, I wouldn’t have been praying for it. Well as I wrote long ago, if you never taste pain you wouldn’t know what pleasure is. Well as always, limited pc time, so ‘til I get inspired to write, have a good time. :)

Letters to Mummy 6

Dear Mummy,

Tomorrow is your birthday, and I am feeling so sad. No longer do I need to think what cake to get you this year, you loved your cakes so much, and each year it was fun thinking what you would enjoy. It was also fun locating the most practical gift to give you, you always had this weird fond smile when you opened my gifts, I knew you wanted frivolous stuff from me sometime, but I leave that to the sibs, practical is the way I roll, when you can read, books you like, when your eyes gave you problems, it is stuff like bags to keep your combs, pill boxes, things you can use. I miss that, thinking what to get you and searching for it.

The rose plant dad gave you for your anniversary last year is blooming it single red rose, as if it knows tomorrow is your birthday and how much you love blooming roses. Mummy we are moving on though we miss you so much, that we have to learn to face each moments lost now that you are not here and it still hurts, like the other day, I went to trim my hair and I cried on the way back because I would never have to bring you to trim yours anymore. So I asked Phil, would it always be this way that each moments lost to me would hurt? I don’t know Mom, but know that I will always try to honour your memory by going on strongly as you did in your life; I love you Mummy, Happy Birthday!

Along

Hurting

You did it out of love
worried that I have lost my way,
I guess it hurt you to hurt me,
but was I so lost,
that it needed
that big a shock,
that big a hurt?
My eyes still sore
from two days of crying,
knew you wouldn’t apologize,
but because a hug
can’t be given,
can’t I at least get a
sorry for making you cry hun
plus the ‘you so needed that’
because I love you so much
the hurt multiplies
what would have stung
bled
what would have bled
festered
know that I know
it was done out of love
still didn’t take away the pain

rya
10.50 p.m.
21 March 2011

Help!

I don’t know where else to turn. Only to you, the Almighty could help me now. I have royally screwed up my life and I have no idea how to fix it. You have given me glimpses of how great my future could be, but this could put a halt to everything. Oh Lord, only to you could I ask to make this burden easier, because right now I don’t see a way out of this mess. The eternal silence of that dark deep place is tempting now, so tempting, but hopefully my faith in you and my love to my beloveds would keep me safe from it. But Lord, I am really at the end of my rope, I am confuse, worried, guilty, and so many other things. Could you please show me the way out. I need to hope that things would turn out all right, that happy future you showed me glimpses of is possible. I know Lord, I haven’t done the best that I can, and I have gotten lost so often, but I have faith in Your love and it keeps me hanging on. Please, could you show me the way because I am truly lost.

Letters to Mummy 5

Dear Mummy,

He made me cry today, I think for the first time since we knew each other. I have cried before because of him, but mainly because I miss him too much or he ignored all my whispers in WoW, but today i cried because he hurt me, and I don’t like it Mum. I don’t like people having the power to hurt me like that when they hold my heart in their hand. It is too painful, and you are not here to hug the pain away.

It was just a stupid joke; I know that but it being a joke did not take the sting of the hurt from that statement. I love him Mum, so much, but today reminded me how much those you love have the power to hurt you. I need you Mummy, I need you to tell me it is alright, I need you to hug me, I just need you! Abang is already asking why I am crying, I can’t tell him Mum, you know how defensive he gets about me.

Well Mummy, as usual I don’t have the computer time to actually write you a long letter, so I guess that is it for now. I miss you so much!

Along

My Prayer

once upon a lonely night
i whispered a desperate plea
to the constant best friend
in my life,
Lord,
i said,
know that i am grateful
for all You have given me
and i accept everything
with the grace You have bestowed,
but,
would it be too much
to ask for a companion
to accompany me on this hard
lonely road you have set me,
someone wise
so he can guide me
someone with humour
so he can laugh with me and make me laugh
someone kind
so he’ll be gentle with my capricious mood
someone with the strength of heart
so he can take all the blows we’ll face
and Lord,
if it is not too much
can he sing too?

Well now after another lonely night,
all i can say Lord,
thank you, Alhamdulillah,
my lonely nights are because of missing
that someone You sent,
my prayers You answered so spectacularly,
but the singing was too much to ask, eh?


rya
18 March 2011
7.25 a.m.

Who?

there are times like now
when things are coming at me
too fast
everything is hurling its way
onto a collision course
with my troubled mind
I just need to
hear you say
I got you
don’t worry
I got your back
who do I depend on
now
Mum?

rya
15 March 2011
12.54 a.m.

Whispers

Each night as the moon shines on,
ushering dreamers on their journey
to dreamland,
I whispered to the breeze
to sent my longing to you,
not even the sweetest dream
could assuage my love starved heart,
however bright the moon shines
it couldn't light the darkness
in me
alone without you,
so as the wind blows on its journey,
on a wing of a prayer
I sent my love to you,
in hope that soon
the moon would be shining for us
at the same time in the same place
while we dream the same dream!


rya
13 March 2011
1.45 a.m.

Letters to Mummy 4

Dear Mummy,

I don’t know Mummy how healthy is it for me to write to you. I know I am basically writing to the ether, and I don’t know if this is what Phil would call my not accepting that you are gone and still wanting you to be here. But Mummy I don’t know why, I find from time to time I have this need to talk to you, I tried writing down what I am thinking but I couldn’t , it only work when I write to you, like if I can’t talk to you writing to you is the next best thing. I don’t know how things work your end, how it is like, I know there’s literature covering afterlife but let’s face it no one knows for sure, and those who knows can’t come back to tell us about it. I am just hoping somehow this would get to you because Mom, no one listens as well as you. I have been missing you so much, you were always there when I am hurt, you never ask, except be there for me, and understanding me, and lately I seem to be too sensitive and get hurt more often than usual. I am also too snappish, there’s an underlying anger that seem to simmer and I am afraid when it does blow up I’d do terrible damage. Mummy you know how unstable my emotion could get, before I could always rely on you to hold me back or reel me in, but who is going to do that now, Dad have very little patient with my ups and downs, Adik has her own ups and downs to deal with and Abang is too young, I know I have Phil, but he is so far away and at times too tired or too engrossed in WoW to actually noticed that I am at the brink of emotional disaster. Dad said he lost his anchor when he lost you, I not only lost an anchor Mom, I lost my stabilizer, my sympathizer and my haven. Who do I go to now when I feel so lost and unsure? Who will make sure that I always come home when I wonder too far in my mind? Who is going to threaten me with a long bamboo so that I’d behave when I go too far? This couple of days I have never felt so alone, Mummy, I tried reaching out, to Phil, to the family, but no one noticed, you wouldn’t have missed my call for help Mom, I wouldn’t have to call even, you’d immediately know and be there for me. I am tired of crying mummy, I want to be able to smile again and I want not to be too sensitive that stupid stuffs hurt me. Basically I want to be happy again Mom, I know I promised to let you go, to let you rest, but Mummy it is so hard. You were everything to me, and now that you are gone I am like kite with no string, flying endlessly nowhere with no direction, no ties, just blowing with the wind waiting to crash down to earth, broken.

I miss you Mummy!

Along

Letters to Mummy 3

Dear Mummy,
Today would have been your 36th wedding anniversary, it makes me recall all your story of how you met dad and dad telling me why he married you and stuff. As you know Phil was here for almost three weeks, it gave us time to discuss what we are going to do. He asked me why I want to be with him after I told him of the reason why dad married you mom, Phil ask am I with him for the same reason. He caught me there for a moment, I couldn’t give him what I really felt because I was too shy to blurt it out, so I gave him the obvious answer, I told him we click, we just feel so right for each other. But the truth is, one lonely night over 2 or three years ago, I cried and broke down and begged God to send me a companion, someone who would complete me in every way and be my guide as I go through this journey of mine, and He answered my prayers. Phil is everything that I asked and more except that he can’t really sing (LOL, God knows I was kind of joking when I ask that), and as I contemplate your marriage mom, I am wondering if I would be as wise as you had been. Would I be happy? And I know both Phil and you would sing Que Sera Sera off-key to me. What will be, will be, eh? Since Phil went back I have been feeling sad again, and missing both of you so much, Phil told me to look to the future, making plans for it would make me happier, but Mom I never thought I would be without you when I get to realized all my big future life plan. Now that I have to accept that you will not be my side as I make all this life changes, it is hitting me hard Mom, I miss you so much. Will I always feel this way, Mom? Every time something happens, would I feel that it is not complete because you wouldn’t be there to see it? Mummy I don’t know what to do, my heart longs for you, or is it just too soon and my life is moving too fast that I am just confused. Well I guess I have to just take it one day at a time, I love you Mummy.

Along

Letters to Mummy 2

Dear Mummy,
I went to visit you on your 101st day; I went with Daddy, Adik, Abang, Auntie Jen and Phil of course. Dad planted a new plant for you, we fixed up the old ones, I think the rain was washing it away, and then we tried to clean up your grave. Phil couldn’t stay long at the gravesite, the ants were eating him alive, I was kind of disappointed, because I wanted him to be there beside me as I let you go. I didn’t know if I had the strength to do it alone, somewhere deep in my heart I still have that longing of wanting you back, but I knew it was about time I have to let you go, let you be in peace and know that I’ll be alright, and I really needed his strength then. Well it look I was strong enough alone after all, it took a lot Mummy to say goodbye to you that day, and I was alone and I nearly couldn’t, but I guess you raised a strong girl after all Mummy. I still miss you a lot, but I have come to accept that you have moved on to a better place and that I need to move on too. I love you, Mummy.

Love,
Along

Letters to Mummy

I never had a heart to heart with Mummy, unlike Adik who’d talk to Mum about countless of stuff for hours on end. Daddy is my sounding board, right I admit I am daddy’s girl. But today as my mind was wondering if Phil has packed or not and gone to sleep so he’d be fresh for his long flight tomorrow, I wish I could talk to Mum about stuff. I have put on hold the reminiscing because I am still not where I should be to go through that journey, but the need to talk to Mum is overwhelming, so I am going to write a letter and on wings of a prayer hope it’ll reach her somehow.

Dear Mummy,
I barely could sleep last night I was so excited. It has been months since I could smile let alone laugh without a tinge of sadness creeping in. Abang kept saying that I don’t look sad, that I don’t seem to miss you as much as he does, but what I can I say, Mummy, you taught me too well how to hide my emotion from everyone else. If only they know how hard it is for me not to bawl every second of the day, I miss you so much. How I wish it is you again cooking the Nasi Minyak and Rendang tomorrow to welcome Phil, but I guess it was good that you taught Adik how to do both because as you know I never remember, as I don’t remember how to make Ikan Sarak, I have seen you do it so many time, you taught me once or twice, but the Ikan Kembong daddy bought will only be Ikan Bakar with Air Asam.

There will a lot of changes I have to deal with soon, Mummy, you know how I hate changes, I don’t deal well with them. Now who is going to be beside me as I ride through them, Mummy I miss you! I never knew how you being there always gave me so much strength. Remember how I used to call you up at 6 o’clock every evening from UPM, till everyone in college thought I had a boyfriend whom I call every day, they can’t comprehend that I have to call you up just to hear your voice, telling me you are ok, and how that give me strength to go on and fight and stay sane. I miss looking after you, it gave me a purpose, kept me sane, actually at certain points it kept me alive. You must wonder why I never once tried suicide like Adik did, the truth is mom, the thought of leaving you without me to care for you stopped my suicidal instinct every time. Now who is going to be my anchor, Mum? Adik is getting better every day, she is finally growing up, Abang misses you a lot, but he will be alright, he’ll grow up strong and handsome, dad is dad, he never needs looking after, just someone to pamper him, so I am lost Mum, what do I do? People tell me it is finally time to live my own life. I am trying hard Mum, really hard. Phil is helping me along, but Mummy I am scared. The road is unknown to me, can I walk it Mum? Without you?

I am sorry to bother you with all this questions. I just miss you Mum, if you were here, I wouldn’t have to ask, you’d know and you’d just look and give me a hug and I’ll be ok. But learning to walk on my own and stand up alone is hard Mum, I know dad never helped when I fall, because he wants me to be independent but he also knows if I ever needed it you’d be there for me, now I truly have to walk alone. Well I guess that is all for now, I love you Mummy, I miss you so much.


Along

I Miss You Mummy 9

Every time I crossed the Temerloh Bridge and staring at the undulating Pahang River there is always the sense of peace and everything right in my life. Why? I don’t know actually. But I guessed it has to be connected with an incident that mom and dad like to tell me every time we cross the bridge. When I was young mom often would be hospitalized, usually in Johor, because that was where the doctor of the then Sultan of Pahang recommended was posted. Mom was hospitalized 7 days after I was born and then again after 40 days Adik was born. Dad of course will stay with uncle Nizar or Abah Abib in Johor to look after mom, leaving me (at first, then with Adik) with Tok Jamilah in Chenor.

I guessed being so young I didn’t understand why my parents would leave me, not that Tok didn’t take good care of us, but I just can’t helped feeling abandoned by Mom and Dad. I guess when I was left at 2 and a half with 40 days Adik, I was more aware of it and able to show my confusion and displeasure. The story goes when Mom and Dad came back to pick us up after Mom was discharged I refuse to be held or even speak to both my parents. There I sat quietly in the back seat of the car, silent, and if anyone knows me, a silent me is very unusual, I usually talk a mile a minute and most of them in question form, so Mom kept looking back at me willing me to speak, I don’t know how awful I made her feel, but I guess someone that young won’t have learnt empathy yet, it was when we were crossing the bridge and me staring at the river meandering slowly that I suddenly turn and say “Mummy, Daddy.” Mum said it was as if I just recognized that the adults who took me were my parents. It was as if I crossed a bridge in my mind as we were crossing the physical bridge. I guess that is why I always love crossing that bridge and why I have a deep love for the Pahang River.

Talking about the river reminds me of Mom’s unfinished opus, she was writing the story of her life, of how she grew up beside the Pahang River and how her life has meander the way the river meanders. She called it “Meandering River”, she wrote out a chapter when I was 14, her recollection of her first year of marriage and her pregnancy with me, how difficult it was for her, I read it and it made me cry. I didn’t know how hard it was for her and she wrote it so beautifully that it really tugs the heart string. Mom never continued it though because subsequently whenever she starts to continue writing it signal another relapse, until whenever mom talk about her book, we know it is a signal of her oncoming relapse, another hospital stay. I wish she could have finished it, that would have given me something of hers to read again and again, and sadly enough even that chapter she wrote is gone now, after so many moves. I don’t know maybe one day we could finish it for her, but it’ll never be the same, I miss u mummy!

I miss you Mummy 8

Anyone who knows me, know that I am allergic to my middle name. I really can’t take it when people call me Rita, it gives me the shivers and the feeling that I am in deep trouble, thanks to growing up naughty and having Mom scream to the whole world, RITA!!!!! Well when I hear that particular scream, I know like I have 3 seconds to get myself home and go face Daddy’s judgement, lol, cause Mom never scream for me unless Dad is home and very upset that I am not home yet. What can I say, I fancied myself an adventurer when I was young, so I spend the whole day exploring even places that is forbidden for me, so when the scream sounded I know I deserve whatever scolding I am going to get.

Well before I go further with that I better tell how I got my middle name and how before Adik comes along and I got stuck with the moniker Along, I was called by my middle name by family and family friends who has known me when I was in diapers. When I was born Dad was Editor of a new entertainment magazine called, Rita, so I was named after the magazine. From the moment I was named, dad calls me Rita and so that was how I was known and presented to the world. It was ok I guess, no kid has a choice on their name, we don’t come out carrying a name card saying here is what I prefer to be called, lol. But as I grow up and especially after Adik came 2 and half years later and family starts addressing me as Along ( a nickname given to the eldest), Rita frequently become – oh you are in so much trouble – name. I don’t know why Mom did not follow every other moms who will call their children’s full name when they are in trouble, but then again, thinking about it I am never around when mom needs to scold me, lol, I think screaming my full name would have been really hard, lol, so RITA!!!!!!! Is easier for her, and you guys trust me she has such a loud frightening way of screaming my name till now a mere mention of the name has me shaking in my boots still. :)

So I never failed to mention to people I meet to never call me Rita, though Yasleh is effectively my family name and shared with both my siblings, I will still tell friends to call me Yasleh or Yas. The funny thing is, a lecturer who really took to heart that I am scared of my middle name, insisted in calling me Rita despite several request from me not to. A friend commented that the lecturer is intimidated by me and thinks she need all the advantage she can get, lol, which makes me retort, intimidated by little old me, I am the kindest student she’ll ever have, lol.

So that is why I hate being called Rita, by the way I still have to endure when meeting relatives and old family friends. But you know what I’d give the world to just hear Mom scream RITA!!!! One more time. I miss you Mummy!

I Miss You Mummy 7

Five days into the New Year, and I haven’t been able to write, helped Phil edit out his blog post, though I left his spelling alone, it’s too cute, but myself, I am stuck. It is weird entering a new year without mom, I made no resolution not even an unofficial one, and I think if not for Phil and the family I would not even think of the future. Adik kept saying she feels hollow, that without Mummy something big is missing, Abang is still having problem going to sleep, wanting Mummy. I kept trying to bolster their spirit, telling them to move forward, and I am doing such a good job that at one point or others both have asked me if I don’t feel as bad as them, that I seem to be missing Phil more and telling them that almost every day. Well what I couldn’t say is why I need Phil and miss him so much, they’d be upset, saying I can depend on them as much as they depend on me, the thing is I need Phil to be what I am to my sibs, someone I can lean on and cry on without feeling guilty, being the eldest is hard, no one bigger to lean on and when dad is carrying a much bigger burden it is a wonder that I have Phil to go to. He has been great and it is amazing how much he helped being so far away and why I am counting the days till he is here in February.

I have tried so many times to write down more of my memories, but it gets harder each time. I got to see Kak Limah before she flew off to Turkey; we went out for breakfast at Singgahanrasa with a friend who was visiting her. Every time I started a story I kept saying Mum used to… up to a point Kak gently point out I shouldn’t keep mentioning Mum, she is afraid that I won’t and can’t move on, if I keep doing it. But actually, the more I talk about Mum and remembering, it gets easier to let go, Phil is right, it helps ease the pain though very hard to do without crying at first.

So though I can’t see beyond tomorrow for me right now having Phil by my side is a blessing I have not appreciated fully, I don’t think I would have survived the end of last year, not when all my strongest support all this while needed me more than I could have stand alone, which thank God, I was not. So hun I don’t know if I told you how much I appreciated you being there for me, that even though you were not here physically, I felt your presence throughout and it helped me go on, thank you. So whatever comes in the future I guess I will be all right as long as you are by my side. :)

Happy New Year! I miss you mummy!